


Revolutions & Revelations

by daymaresnightdreams



Series: we are meant to be [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Elections, Fluff and Angst, I am back on my bullshit I still haven't exorcised this lams demon from my soul yet, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Build, Slow Burn, also let me say now that Laurens and Hamilton are both 18, and i only own that 3ds to play pokemon games lol, i am nothing if not a longwinded bitch, i guess?, if it's good enough for shakespeare it's good enough for me, it's funny how much videogaming is in this fic considering i only own a 3ds, jk never mind six chapters, less school more partying woot woot, only five chapters tho, this is my magnum opus on god, this time a multichap fic!, where this story begins they're graduating high school and it's the summer so, you know just in case I ever decide to bump up the rating ;)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:26:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 97,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25775839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daymaresnightdreams/pseuds/daymaresnightdreams
Summary: It was only one night.Alexander and John spend one beautiful, reckless night together, and find in each other what they've been missing their whole lives. Unfortunately for them, their families are on opposite sides of political party lines. John is the son of Henry Laurens, the established Republican Senator of South Carolina, while Alexander is the adopted son of George Washington, the highly venerated Democrat Senator of New York.With their fathers running for president and their feelings for each other growing, Alex and John's love just might have the potential to turn the world upside down.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Series: we are meant to be [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1959835
Comments: 94
Kudos: 224





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by this book I read called The State of Us, because if you're gonna do a Romeo and Juliet type story for this ship, you gotta set it in politics! I was gonna base this fic off of one of my other favorite books Red, White, and Royal Blue, since the main character of that is named after Alexander Hamilton AND they mention The Letters in the book, but that would mean Laurens would have to be the prince of England and the irony was too much for me to ignore...

The thought came to John’s head, as he posed for what felt like the hundredth photograph, that he hated politics. Every second he stood there pushed up against his family only confirmed that fact. 

“Okay, one more shot!” The cameraman said. “Big smiles, everyone!” 

“For God’s sake, John, smile.” His father hissed at him. 

John stiffened, then pasted the fakest smile he could manage on his face. Yes, he despised politics. Politics and the presidential race were the worst thing that ever happened to him. 

The Laurens and Washington families were gathered in the waiting room, taking a photo together as a show of goodwill right before the first presidential debate. Senator Henry Laurens, the Republican candidate, and Senator George Washington, the Democratic candidate, stood in the middle. At Henry’s side was John and his siblings, and at Washington’s side was his wife, Martha, and his adopted son, Alexander. The whole photo-op struck him as a funny idea. They were posing as if they were one big happy family, as if his father hadn’t called Washington every name under the sun, in public and private. 

As soon as the last photo was taken, two families fled to their separate corners of the room, underscoring his point. 

“This is boring,” whined Mary, his baby sister. “I wanna go home.” 

“You and me both, kid.” John said, tugging on her tiny pigtail. 

“Pay attention, Jack.” Henry snapped. “This is important.” 

The edge in his voice stopped Mary’s giggles cold, and made the rest of his siblings stand up straighter. Leave it to his father: just when you thought there was no fun left to be sucked out of a room, Henry Laurens found a way. 

“Boys, straighten your shirts. Girls, make sure your dresses lie flat. Sit up in your seats and mind your expressions.” he ordered. “I don’t want to hear someone on Twitter saying even Senator Laurens’ children have a hard time listening to him.” 

Martha, the second eldest, whispered in John’s ear, “That’s too bad. I’ve always wanted to be a meme.”

John hid his laugh behind a cough. Martha always knew how to get him to relax.

“Jack, you’re in charge of your brothers and sisters.” Henry continued. “Make sure they…” 

John tuned his father out. He found himself looking over at the opposite side of the room, where Alexander was having a conversation with Washington. Unlike him and his father, Alexander and Washington seemed to be having a good time together. Something Alexander said made Washington laugh, which made Alexander grin in response. He wondered what that was like, to laugh with your father and talk with him because you wanted to, because you enjoyed his company. 

He hadn’t realized he was staring until he locked eyes with Alexander over Washington’s shoulder, but he didn’t look away. He found himself getting lost in Alexander’s big, dark eyes. Then, all at once, he realized what he was doing and ripped his gaze away. 

“Understand?” his father said. 

“Yep.” John nodded, hoping he looked like he’d been listening. 

Henry, satisfied, went to talk to his campaign manager. John slumped onto a couch and pulled his phone to distract himself with some games. But more often than not, he ended up sneaking glances at Alexander out of the corner of his eye.

He knew as much about Alexander Hamilton as everyone else: orphan at 12, adopted by the Washingtons at 14 after Senator Washington went on a diplomatic trip to the Carribeans. He had shown a great intelligence from a young age and Washington was said to have high hopes for his future. He was known to be charming, persuasive, arrogant, abrasive. And handsome. That was something everyone seemed to agree on. He even caught Martha looking at his Instagram once. 

“Give me my phone back!” Martha yelled at him. 

He kept her back with one arm. Though he didn’t mean to, he got caught up staring at some of Alexander’s selfies. His favorite was the one of him sitting in the judge’s chair at a Mock Trial meet with his hands behind his head and a shit eating grin on his face. It made John smile uncontrollably for some reason. 

“Um, John? Hello?” His sister’s voice brought him back to reality. 

The smile dropped from John’s face, and he gave Martha back her phone. “You wanna tell me why you’re looking up pictures of our sworn enemy?” 

Martha flushed. “Research! You need to know your opponents better than you know yourself.”

“Uh huh. Sure.” 

“Shut up!” Martha crossed her arms. “Can you blame me? You were staring longer than I was!” 

John froze, his stomach lurching with his usual fear of  _ does she know, does she know, does she know?  _ Then he forced himself to calm down because she was joking, it was a joke. 

“He is pretty hot, I have to admit.” John said, like he guessed a guy totally and completely confident in his heterosexuality would say. 

Martha sighed and fell back on her bed. “If only he wasn’t a liberal.” 

However, pictures had nothing on him in person (and he’d go to his grave with this secret, but he’d been on Alexander’s Instagram several times since then). Alexander was…hard to look away from. Even without speaking, he had a quiet intensity about him that made him hard to ignore. John could readily admit that he had a mini fascination with Alexander, but who could blame him? They were just so  _ different.  _

Ever since his father announced he was running for president, John had done everything he could to stay out of the spotlight and disappear. But Alexander, Alexander absorbed the spotlight. John kept his head down, barely used social media, and melted into the background any time his father had to deal with the press. Alex was on the cover of  _ Teen Vogue,  _ regularly interviewed by  _ Buzzfeed,  _ and got into loads of Twitter fights, some even with other politicians. He took questions from reporters like he was the one running for president. 

He would’ve at least liked to be on friendly terms, but that wasn’t in the cards. He’d never talked to Alexander, since they obviously didn’t run in the same circles. Even if they ended up at the same charity gala or political function, Alex was always holding court with his own group of friends. He seemed so untouchable to John that he didn’t even try. But he couldn’t help wondering what it would be like to connect to someone so opposite of him. Would they repel each other? Or would they fit? 

The waiting room door opened. “Alright, it’s showtime!” a producer said. 

Both families filed out of the room. John and his siblings wished their father good luck and went off to find their seat. He turned back to look at the Washingtons one last time. They were huddled together like a little team. Martha Washington gave her husband a kiss on the cheek and Alexander punched his shoulder lightly. They looked so proud of him, so supportive. Like they believed in him wholeheartedly, and John had to look away. What was it like, he wondered, to have a dad you believed in? 

The dread rose in John’s stomach the closer they got to their seats. Debates were so tiring to him. The bright lights, the humongous crowd, the long questions that went on and on, it all drove him crazy. He thought he would die having to sit in on the debates for the Republican nominee, watching each candidate, pastier and faker than the last, zing each other just for a chance to stay at the top of the news cycle. John didn’t know how he was going to survive this. 

“Hey, I’m gonna get some air real quick.” he said to Martha. 

Martha turned to him, concerned. “Everything okay? Are you feeling sick?” 

John waved her off. “I just need a moment to breathe. I’ll probably go to the bathroom and splash some water on my face or something. You’re in charge until I get back, so make sure James doesn’t pick his nose on national television.” 

Martha nodded. “Alright, but don’t take too long!” 

He really did mean to go to the bathroom, but he ended up walking around the building instead. He was surprised at how empty the hallways were, almost like every single person was packed into the auditorium. He wouldn’t be shocked if that were the case, everybody was excited to see his father and Washington go toe to toe for the first time. They were opposites in every way and both were great orators, so it was sure to be a good show. John relished in the silence and space he had because of it. 

He reached a set of stairs at the other end of the building and climbed up them. When he reached the door at the top, he pushed through and found himself standing on the rooftop of the building. There was a beautiful view of the New York City skyline, shaped by the skyscrapers and the waterfront. John walked all the way up to the barrier just to get a closer look. He took his hair out of his ponytail, closed his eyes, and breathed in the fresh spring air. John considered staying here for the whole debate. And he might’ve, if the door hadn’t opened just then. 

He whipped around, expecting to see a security guard or something. He did not expect to see Alexander Hamilton standing in front of him. 

***

  
“Ugh,” was the first word to come out of Alex’s mouth. It covered what he was really thinking, which was,  _ His hair is so curly.  _

He was so sure that everyone would be caught up watching the debate that he’d be able to sneak off to the rooftop and chill out until it was over. He knew Martha would be pissed, but what could he do? He begged her to let him stay home. 

“Please?” Alex said, his best puppy dog expression on his face. He was sitting on his bed, still undressed. “I’ll watch the debate on TV. I’ll live tweet my reactions and engage with the ‘youth demographic’ or whatever. I can bring in young voters!”

Martha gave him an unimpressed look. “I don’t think so. We need to show a united front and support your fa—George, even if it’s just for the first debate. You should count yourself lucky we didn’t have to travel for this one.”

Alex flopped back on his bed, feeling like a child but unable to help himself. “Can Laf come with us at least?” Lafayette always knew how to make the most boring campaign events a little funny. 

Martha shook her head. “Sorry, baby. Family only event.” 

Alex groaned. “You know, I’ve got a  _ lot  _ of homework. What happened to school first?”

“You can skip school tomorrow, if you want.” a new voice entered. 

Alex looked up to see George standing in the doorway, suit on but tie still undone. 

“We can go wherever you want for dinner, too.” George said. “Is that good enough for you?” 

He crossed his arms. “I guess. But I’m gonna order the most expensive thing on the menu.” 

Both George and Martha laughed. “Sure, if you have to.” 

George looked at his wife and Alex fondly. “I really appreciate this, son. I don’t think I could do this, any of this, without yours and Martha’s support.”

Alex involuntarily grimaced at the word “son”, but covered up his expression quickly. “Well, anything to beat that bastard Laurens.” 

“Language,” Martha corrected while George laughed again. 

“Believe me, you’re not the only one who’d rather be in bed than spending an evening with Senator Laurens.” George shook his head. “I hope the moderators are quick with their questions.” 

George left to get the rest of his stuff together, and before Martha left as well she said, “Oh, and it’s not like you’ll be the only kid there. Senator Laurens is bringing his children as well. Doesn’t he have a son your age?” 

Alex shuddered. “Please. I’d rather die than make friends with Laurens Jr.” 

“Alex.” Martha reprimanded. “Be nice. He might be different from what you’re thinking. After all, sons aren’t their fathers.” 

He pulled out his phone, shooting a quick text to Hercules. “He won’t want to talk to me. He probably thinks immigrants like me should go back to where they came from.”

Martha sighed. “All I’m saying is keep an open mind. And finish getting dressed! We’re leaving in fifteen minutes.” 

Alexander hadn’t had any plans of talking to John Laurens, but it looked like that was about to change. He didn’t have high hopes, though. Worst case scenario, John is a bigot like his dad and best case, he’s a bore. Maybe he could convince him to let Alex have the roof all to himself. 

Alex walked all the way up to the barrier, where John was standing. “What are you doing up here? Shouldn’t you be watching your dad jerk off to guns or something?” 

John turned to look at him, and Alex felt something jolt inside of him. This was the closest they’d ever been to each other and John’s face was…distracting. He thought that when their eyes met in the waiting room too. There were freckles all over his face, too many to count, and his eyes, which Alex thought were dark brown like his, were actually a lighter brown, almost hazel. With his hair down and blowing in the wind, he didn’t fit the image of the uptight, stick in the mud Alex had built up in his head. Looking at John made his throat dry. 

“I’ve been cooped up in this damn place for hours, so I decided to get some fresh air.” John said curtly. “What about you? Don’t you get off on political debates?” 

Alex laughed, surprised. He hadn’t expected John to shoot the same crude language right back at him. Weren’t Southerners supposed to be all proper and polite? 

“True, but even I get tired sometimes too. All the debates and speeches and donor events—”

“—and town halls and rallies and everything else.” John finished for him. “It just goes on and on.” 

“Yeah.” A knot in his chest loosened, hearing someone else put into words exactly what he felt. “On and on.”

“But at least you’re into politics.” John turned back to look out at the skyline. “You like all of this stuff.”

“And you don’t? Not even a little bit?” Alex asked. “I thought every Laurens is supposed to be a political animal in training, just like your dad.” 

“I’m nothing like my dad.” John said sharply. “And you don’t know anything about my family, so don’t talk about them like you do.” 

Alex was just trying to make a joke, but the fierce look in John’s eyes dried up all the words in his throat. Him, speechless. His friends would never believe it. 

“Sorry,” he finally stammered out. “I never know when to shut up.” 

John gave him a long look, then shrugged. “It’s whatever. And I don’t like it, not even a little bit. I’m here because I want to get away from all of it.” 

Alex made a split second decision. His life was made up of split second decisions, due to the fact that he was impatient and believed in always pushing forward with no regrets. So once he decided to do something, he acted first and thought about the consequences later.

But this split second decision was going to turn his whole life upside down. 

Of course, he didn’t know that yet. All he thought about was getting back on John’s good side, if he was ever there in the first place. 

“Then, do you want to get out of here?” Alex asked. 

This time, John turned his whole body to face him, and Alex let himself get lost in his eyes, lost in everything. 

***

John had to admit, it was easier to run away with Alex Hamilton than he expected. There was a minor hiccup where a guard shouted at them just as they made it out the door. But Alex just shouted “Run!” and dragged him by the wrist, their feet pounding against the pavement. When they got far enough away, they stopped so they could catch their breath. Alex dropped his wrist, and John rubbed the place where Alex gripped him so tightly. His hands were rougher than John expected, but not unpleasant. 

“What now?” John asked. 

Alex, hands on his knees, scrunched his eyebrows. He looked so deep in thought that it made John laugh. 

“What, no plan?” he said. 

“Give me a break.” Alex stood up straight. “It’s not like I do something like this every day.” 

“You don’t? You were so slick I thought you were used to this.” John teased.

“Hey!” Alex started to say something else, then cut himself off. It was like a light bulb appeared above his head. “Hey, you hungry?” 

John shrugged. “Yeah, I could eat.” 

And that’s how they ended up at the Golden Apple 24 Hour Diner, sitting across from each other in a booth with ruby red seats. 

“Aren’t you lucky you ran away with a real New Yorker?” Alex said as he stuck a straw in his Coke. “I don’t know what they serve in South Carolina, but this restaurant has the best food in the country.” 

“There you go talking too much again,” An older waitress came up to their table. “Give the boy a chance to make his own decisions about the food without your opinions.” 

“What, I’m not allowed to compliment the food?”

The waitress shook her head and handed them menus. “I’ll come back for your orders in a couple of minutes. Make sure you let your boy get a word in instead of talking his ear off, alright?” 

John flushed a little at the words “your boy”. What did the waitress mean by that? Did it look like he and Alex were together? Just the implication made him feel hot all over. He still hadn’t wrapped his head around the fact that he went from chilling on a rooftop alone to eating dinner with Alexander Hamilton. If Martha knew, she’d scream. 

“So, you don’t like politics.” Alex’s voice took him out of his thoughts. “What do you like then?”

He was a little flustered at having all of Alexander’s attention on him. He expected Alex to fill the silence with his own words, talking about himself and his life. But Alex seemed genuinely interested in hearing his answer, and he didn’t want to disappoint him. 

“Animals.” He blurted out. “Books. I don’t know, what about you? You wanna be president someday, right?” 

John cringed at his inability to string words together, but Alex’s eyes brightened anyway. “I don’t know. That’s still so far away, and I don’t know if being the President is where I could make the most impact.” 

John raised his eyebrows. “You don’t think so?” 

“Come on, think about it. How much shit have our last couple of presidents actually gotten done? It’s all just power plays and the appearance of making changes without changing anything at all. That’s not what I’m about.” 

He grinned at Alex’s blunt words. “Then what would you do?”

“I’d run for Governor, maybe even the Senate. I wanna create laws, I want to help people,  _ actual  _ people. I’m gonna make so much of a difference that they’re gonna talk about me in history books. They’ll name, like, a fountain after me.” 

“Damn, a fountain?”

They looked at each other, then burst out laughing. 

Alex threw a napkin at him. “Hey, I’m serious!” 

John was still giggling. “I believe you.” 

The waitress came back to their table. “Are y’all ready to order, or should I come back later?” 

They both ordered burgers and fries, well done for Alex and medium rare for John (“You couldn’t pay me to eat a raw burger,” Alex wrinkled his nose), and settled into a comfortable silence. Alex stared out the window while John pulled out a pencil from his pocket and began sketching some turtles on the paper placemat. 

“You draw?” 

John glanced up to see that Alex’s gaze had moved from the window to his placemat. “Yeah, a little. I’m not amazing at it.” 

“What are you talking about? Those turtles look really nice.” Alex said. “It’s a hell of a lot better than anything I could draw.” 

John smiled a little at the praise. “Thanks.” 

Alex pointed to himself. “Can you draw me?” 

He rolled his eyes. “You know that’s the most annoying thing to ask an artist, right?” 

Alex struck a ridiculous pose. “Well, can you?” 

“Yeah, I can. Just sit normally and I’ll do a rough sketch.” 

Alex sat stiffly, leaning forward a little with his arms on the table. It almost made John laugh how hard it was for Alex to sit still. Everything he did was a full body motion, it was almost as if standing still was against his nature. 

“Relax, Alex, I’m not painting your portrait! It’s only a rough sketch, just act naturally.” 

Alex relaxed a little then, rolling his shoulders and tapping his fingers against the table. John got caught up in the motion, noticing how long and graceful Alex’s fingers were. Then his gaze traveled up to Alex’s face, and he began to take him in. 

Alex’s eyes were stunning, that was for sure. They were dark and fathomless, but also bright and full of life. But that wasn’t the only thing beautiful about his face. His lips were full and pink, his hair was thick and glossy. John imagined combing his fingers through the strands. Would his hair feel as silky as he imagined? And if his hand moved lower, and brushed Alex’s cheek, would his skin feel as soft? 

John didn’t notice that his hand had stopped moving on the paper. He also didn’t notice that as he had been staring at Alex, Alex was staring right back at him. 

The waitress placed their food down on the table, making the both of them jump. John’s face felt like it was on fire, and Alex’s looked a little pink too. 

“Tell me what you think.” Alex said as he dumped a shitload of ketchup on his burger. 

John took the pickles out of his burger and put on ketchup, then took a bite. He groaned instantly, which made Alex choke on his Coke. John took another bite and groaned again. 

“This is so good. Like,  _ so  _ good.” he said. 

“I’m glad you like it.” Alex said, still coughing a little. His face was redder than before. 

The conversation came easy after that. They talked about books and music and movies and the most embarrassing things that ever happened to them at a campaign event. John couldn’t remember the last time he laughed so much. Hell, he couldn’t the last time he felt so relaxed around another person that wasn’t his siblings, if ever. Alex was passionate and loud and he talked too much, but nothing fazed him. He accepted everything with a smile and it made John want to tell him everything about himself, even the things he never told anyone. He had to hold himself back from getting carried away. 

After they finished eating and Alex paid for dinner (which made John’s heartbeat pick up, because wasn’t that what people did on dates?), Alex grabbed his wrist again. 

Alex smiled. “I know where we’re going next, but we’re gonna have to run.”

“What—”

“No questions, just run!” 

They took off down the sidewalk once again. 

Soon they stopped in front of a museum. John was in awe just looking at the beautiful exterior of the building. He loved museums, thought they were the only thing that made coming to New York worth it. 

“Do you wanna go in? You said you like drawing, so I thought you might like this.” An worried expression flashed across his face. “But only if you want to. I guess I shouldn’t have assumed—”

John smiled so wide he thought his face was gonna split in half. “I love museums. Come on, let’s go inside.” 

Alex smiled back at him, relieved. “Great. We have to be quick though, I think they’re closing soon.” 

It was true, the first thing an employee told them when they walked in was that the museum was closing in 30 minutes. He hadn’t even thought about how much time had passed since they’d left the debate building. Martha was probably blowing up his phone with texts. But as soon as Alex pulled him into a nearby exhibit, he forgot about the time all over again. 

It was better coming so late anyway. Since the museum was about to close, they basically had the whole place to themselves. The paintings they saw as they moved from room to room left John breathless. He loved the way art evoked emotion, the way it made you feel present and awake. Every time a painting touched him, it was a reminder that he was alive and he had the ability to  _ feel  _ something. 

Alex enjoyed the room of sculptures most of all. He stared intently at each of the towering figures placed throughout the room. Then he started making these ridiculous poses in front of them, which made John laugh. 

“What are you doing?” he said. 

“I don’t know, I think I’d make a good statue.” Alexander replied, striking a different pose. “You should take up sculpting. I’ll be your first model.” 

“You can’t stay still for five seconds. How do you expect to do it for hours?” 

“I can do it if I put my mind to it!” Alex tossed him his phone. “Here, take my picture. I promise I’ll stay still long enough for that.” 

John took a couple of photos, then Alex convinced him to stand in front of the sculptures so he could take some pictures of John too. John was a little awkward at first, but with Alexander’s prodding he relaxed and had a little fun with it. 

“Yeah, work it! The camera loves you!” Alex cheered. 

John grinned and covered his face. “Alright stop, now you’re embarrassing me.” 

Alex lowered the phone. “I don’t know why, you look great.” 

Then Alex walked over to the next room, completely unaware of the way he made John’s heart riot in his chest. He took a deep breath to calm himself, then followed after him. 

The next room was his absolute favorite. It was an exhibit inspired by the sea, both the real and the mythical. The room had a bluish light, and there were statues of mermaids and large, glittering fish hanging from the ceiling. There were portraits of jellyfish painted in galaxy colors, their tentacles little strings of stars. The part of the exhibit that really drew his attention was this painting that spanned the length of this entire wall. It showcased the ocean in all its beauty, showing small sea creatures and big ones swimming together in harmony, floating past stalks of algae and other sea plants. It was breathtaking. 

John was broken out of the trance the painting put in him by the sound of a camera snapping. He turned to see Alex holding up his phone. 

“Did you just take a picture of me?” John asked, moving towards him.

“No,” Alex looked away, hiding his phone behind his back. 

“You sure?” John reached out, only for Alex to jump back. 

“Yep.”

“Let me see your phone then.”

“Nope.” 

“Alex!” John lunged for his phone again, which led to a full on chase around the exhibit room. 

“I run track, I’m gonna catch up with you!” John shouted. 

Alex didn’t slow down for a second. “Yeah? Try me!” 

Of course, just as soon as John got his arms around Alex, a guard stormed into the room. 

“Time to go, boys.” he barked, giving them a dirty look. 

And that was how John got kicked out of a place for the first time in his life. 

***

“So, what about you? What do you want to do after college?” Alex said. 

After the museum, they walked around the city, talking about anything that came to their minds. Their feet had taken them through a quiet park with winding walkways. 

“I mean, you know all about my plans.” Alex continued. “Undergrad, law school, couple of years at a firm, probably doing something in immigration, and then mayor, governor, the Senate, something. And then maybe president.” 

“President Hamilton.” John rubbed his hands together to give them a little warmth. “I’d vote for you, probably.” 

Alex laughed. “Thanks for the endorsement. What about you? What do you wanna do?” 

The smile slipped off John’s face. “Well, my dad wants me to major in Poli-Sci, then go to law school. Then I guess he’ll set me up at whatever law firm he likes the best. 

Alex nodded. “Okay, but what do you want to do?” 

John looked away. “I just told you.”

“No, you told me what your dad wanted.” Alex spoke gently. “What do  _ you  _ want? If you could do anything, what would you do?”

John’s eyes snapped up to look at him. He hesitated, then the words rushed out of his mouth. “I don’t know. I mean, I’m really interested in nature and animals, especially marine animals. I think it’s fascinating how they survive in an environment as harsh as the ocean and if I could work with them and study them? That would be so cool. If I had my choice, I’d major in biology or something in that area.” 

“That sounds great!” Alex encouraged him. “And it's something you’re obviously passionate about, so why don’t you major in it?”

“Because that’s not what men of the Laurens family do.” John said, clenching his fists. “The men in my family go to law school, become successful lawyers, and hopefully become successful politicians. And I’m the oldest, I have to set a good example for my brothers. What I want doesn’t matter. I can’t disappoint my father any further, It’s already bad enough that I’m—” 

John’s blood ran cold. What was he about to say? What was he about to say to the son of his father’s biggest political rival? Was he really about to say something he had never said to anyone out loud, ever? John needed to get a grip on himself. 

John walked away from Alex, collapsing onto a park bench and putting his face in his hands. The reality of everything that happened tonight had finally crashed down on him. He had ditched his father’s first debate to hang out with someone who could tell Washington or Twitter or any number of people all the stuff John had told him tonight. And he was just about to tell the biggest secret he had ever kept. 

“John, what’s wrong?” he heard Alex say from above him. “It’s bad enough that you’re what?”

He didn’t respond. He kept rubbing his face, trying to calm himself before panic completely set in. 

John heard the creak of the bench as Alex sat next to him. Their thighs brushed, and Alex reached around to put a hand on his shoulder. John should’ve pushed him off, he knew he should, but he leaned into the touch instead. 

“It’s okay, John. You can tell me anything.” Alex said. “It’s okay.” 

The softness in Alex’s voice broke him. Before he knew it, the words were spilling out of his mouth. 

“I know I'm a huge disappointment to my father. I don’t want to go into law, I don’t want to be a politician, I don’t share any of his views on anything at all. I don’t even think he likes me that much. And yeah, he’s not my favorite person either, but he’s still my dad. He’s family. And he’s all I have left since Mom died and I don’t want to disappoint him any further.” John took a deep breath. “It’s already bad enough that I’m gay. With the things I can control, I may as well try to make him happy.” 

Alex’s eyes were as wide as saucers. He was silent for a moment, then he said in a fierce tone, “Fuck your dad. Fuck him. There’s nothing wrong with you. He’s the one who's supposed to love you no matter what.” 

John didn’t realize he was crying until Alex fully put his arms around him, pulling him closer. He buried his head in Alex’s shoulder, and the sound of his sniffling filled the silence between them. 

“You’re amazing, John.” Alex whispered. “He’s a dumbass if he doesn’t realize that.” 

Alex let those words hang in the air between them, then spoke up again. “So, you’re gay?”

John chuckled at the bluntness of his words. “Yep, since I was born.” 

Alex began rubbing circles into his shoulder, which sent a shiver down John’s spine. “Does your dad know?” 

He shook his head. “No, no one in my family knows. I think he might suspect something, but this is the first time I’ve ever said it out loud.” 

“Seriously?” Alex looked around, making sure they were completely alone. “Then say it again. Loud and proud.” 

John shook his head. “Uh, no.”

“Come on! After tonight you’re gonna go back to South Carolina and never say it to anyone. Here, we’re all alone.” He gestured to the wide, empty space of the park. “There’s no one here to judge you.” 

John was silent for a moment. When the look on Alexander’s face made it clear he wasn’t going to let this go, John sighed and mumbled, “I’m gay.” 

“Damn, John, the rats couldn’t even hear that.” 

John scoffed. “I’m gay,” he said a little louder. 

Alex looked around him dramatically. “Who said that? It sounded like a ghost.”

He saw the challenge in Alex’s eyes and rose to meet it. “I’m gay.” he said again, louder. 

“What?” 

“I’m gay.”

“What?”

“I’m gay.”

“What?”

“I’m gay, alright! I’m gay!” His voice was just below yelling. “I’m super fucking gay! Is that good enough, asshole?” 

They were both laughing hard now, and without a doubt this was the best John had felt in a long time. He wished he could stay there on that bench, laughing with Alex, forever. 

Alex, on the other hand, found himself staring at John. John’s cheeks were still flushed from his crying beforehand, and his whole face was lit up like a lightbulb with laughter. Alex wanted to push John’s hair away from his face so he could see him more clearly. He wanted to turn John towards him, feel his freckles underneath his fingertips. He wanted to lean closer and feel John’s breath all over his face and his all over John’s, till neither of them knew where one began and the other stopped— 

John turned to look at him and Alex had a moment of blind panic, terrified that all his thoughts were written all over his face and John could see right through him. He braced himself for what John was about to say. 

“Alex, I hate to say this,” John began, unaware of Alex’s heart pounding out of his chest. “But I think we gotta get back to the debate building. They’re probably finishing up by now.” 

Shit, he had  _ completely  _ forgotten about the debate. He pulled out his phone to see a shit ton of messages from Martha, and knew his ass was in big trouble once she found him. 

Alex stood up. “Fuck, you’re right. Martha is blowing up my phone.”

John stood up too, putting his phone back in his pocket. “Yeah, my Martha too.” 

John grinned at him and nudged his shoulder gently, and it made Alex want to melt into the floor. “Thank god I have a real New Yorker with me. I have no clue where we are.” 

Alex returned the smile. “Have no fear, this New York man will get you where you need to go safely.” 

They set off down the sidewalk with a comfortable silence, which gave Alex some time to have a proper freakout because what the _fuck_ was he thinking about back there? Even though John was kind and funny and brave and smart and hot, _so_ fucking hot, Alex couldn’t have feelings for him. George’s campaign manager already wanted to rip his head off on any given day for something he posted on Twitter, he couldn’t imagine what she’d say if he told her, ‘hey, I really wanna make out with Senator Laurens’ kid! Is that cool?’ George and Martha might actually give her permission to bury him alive. 

So Alex told himself very sternly,  _ You will not fall for John Laurens.  _ Even if his lips looked really soft and kissable, and his smile made Alex feel like he could fly, Alex was gonna keep a lid on his feelings. For George, he could do it. 

Alex glanced at John, who was staring up at the sky. He looked ethereal in the moonlight, eyes bright, and Alex felt helpless. 

John looked up at the sky, two thoughts on his mind. One part of his mind thought about how beautiful New York was. He’d never liked the city before, he thought it was too crowded, too dirty, and completely overrated. Every time he visited with his family, it always ended in his father blowing up at someone, usually John. So there was no love lost between him and New York. But staring up at the starlit sky, John thought that there was nowhere else he’d rather be. That was one part of his mind. The rest was focused on how close his and Alexander’s hands were. 

If John moved just a little bit, their hands would brush. John thought about taking Alex’s hand, replacing the empty spaces between Alex’s fingers with his own. He imagined that Alex might rub circles into the back of his hand the same way he did with his shoulder. He imagined that Alex might look at him, and then his eyes might flick down to John’s lips and back up. Alex would lean in, and John wouldn’t stop him. And then, and then—John had to stop thinking. 

He shook those thoughts from his head. There were disasters, there were catastrophes, and then there was this. It was one thing to be gay, it was another to get into a relationship with the son of his father’s biggest enemy during the biggest election of his father’s career. And that was assuming Alexander even felt the same way, which he definitely did not.  _ You can’t fall for him,  _ John told himself very clearly. Falling for Alexander would be a huge mistake, with no chance for a happy ending. He would be better off if he let these feelings go. 

John’s pinky accidentally brushed up against Alex’s pinky, and the drag of his skin against Alex’s sent sparks flying up his arm. Alex must’ve felt it too, because his eyes whipped around to look at John. Their eyes met, then snapped away just as quickly. Just from that touch, John felt like his whole body was on fire. 

This might be a problem. 

***

John was about to walk through the doors of the debate building, when he felt something tug on the back of his shirt. 

He turned around to see Alex with an unsure expression on his face, which looked odd on him. Alex pulled out his phone and put it in front of John’s face.

“Number,” Alex blurted out. “Fuck, I mean, put your number in my phone. I need to annoy someone with all my thoughts.” 

John smiled, even though he knew texting Alex was definitely not gonna help with his plans to forget about his feelings. “Yeah, of course. It’s my cross to bear.” he joked. 

He handed Alex his phone and they exchanged numbers. They lingered at the doors, knowing that they were running out of time but reluctant to part anyway. 

Alex turned to John suddenly. “John—” 

There was a rumble from inside the building, and they could see through the glass doors that people were beginning to exit the auditorium. John threw caution into the wind and pulled Alex in for a quick hug. 

“Bye,” he said, right in Alex’s ear. Then he went inside and ran all the way to his family’s green room without looking back. His face was still red by the time he got there. 

He opened the door, and Martha was up in his face in an instant. 

“Where the hell were you? Were you trying to give me a goddamn panic attack? I thought you were kidnapped or fell down the stairs or locked yourself in a classroom or—” 

“Well, I didn’t.” John cut in. 

The look on Martha’s face shut him up. “I know that, asshole. So where were you? And you better have a good story, because Dad knows you were gone. He had us meet him on stage after the debate was over and he asked where you were and I tried to say you were in the bathroom, but he totally didn’t believe me. So get ready for that.” 

John didn’t care. His dad could give him ten lectures and he still wouldn’t care. All he could think about was that Alexander Hamilton had his number, and he couldn’t wait to hear from him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why is every girl in the 1700s named Martha smh
> 
> The next chapter should be posted next week, thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They took one look at him and said, “What happened?” 
> 
> “I met a guy,” Alex blurted out, then slapped a hand over his mouth.

“Change it.” Lee, Henry’s campaign manager, said. 

“No.” John finished knotting his tie. 

“I said change it.” 

“And I said no.” 

“Charles, leave him alone.” His father said from where he was lounging on the couch, looking over his talking points. 

They were in the dressing room at an Atlanta leadership conference for young men, specifically those who were aiming to enter the political sphere as businessmen, lawyers, financial advisors, anything you could imagine an asshole in a suit doing. Henry had threatened to send John there as punishment for his behavior during the first debate (“Maybe you need to be reminded of the future I’m trying to build!” were his exact words), but John managed to get away with only accompanying his father as he gave a speech at the conference. 

The speech was going to be televised, and Lee thought it was a good idea to have John sit on stage with him. Voters would see that Henry had a personal investment in the future of this country, since he was raising the next generation on his own. John almost would’ve rather gone to the conference than be trapped in a car with his dad and Lee alone as they drove down to Georgia, but he tried to keep the complaints to a minimum. He was on thin ice with Henry ever since the debate. 

“Sir, I don’t think a paisley tie is going to show up well on camera!” Lee insisted. 

“The media isn’t here for Jack.” Henry gave him a onceover. “Though, do you have to wear that tie?” 

“It’s my favorite, Dad.” John lied. Lee gave him a look of pure hatred and John had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. 

“It’s fine, then.” Henry went back to his notes. “I’d rather you focus your energy on this speech, Charles.” 

Lee practically fell all over himself to rush over to his dad, giving John a dirty look on the way. John looked in the mirror, straightening his tie. Actually, the design was a little louder than he preferred, but he didn’t care. Anything to piss off Lee. He was a little surprised his dad hadn’t made him change, though. Maybe the ice was thawing. 

When it was time to present, they walked to the outdoor stage, where there were a ton of cameras and journalists set up at the back of the audience. The other speakers and directors of the program were already onstage. John took his place next to his father, and immediately zoned out as soon as the first speaker began. He itched to take out his phone, but Henry had been very clear on how he would behave during this event. Not to mention, he inwardly sighed, it wasn’t like he was expecting any text messages. 

It had been a month since the debate, and Alexander still had yet to text him. John knew that he was probably really busy, just like John was. In that month, John had graduated high school, traveled on the campaign trail with his father, visited the campuses of some of the colleges he was considering attending, and did normal stuff like hang out with his siblings and work on his art. And John wasn’t even popular like Alex, so he wasn’t upset or anything. Just…a little disappointed. 

He could’ve been the first one to text, he knew that, but every time he worked up the nerve to do it, he immediately chickened out. What would he even say? Everything he came up with sounded so lame, and he didn’t know if he could bear it Alexander left him on read. So all he could do was wait. But that was driving him crazy too. 

Maybe it was better if Alex never texted him. They had a good time, John would remember it forever. He’d secretly kept the drawing he did of Alex at the diner and looked at it from time to time, letting the memories wash over him all over again. But that’s all it was, one amazing night. All those feelings he felt were so far away now, and maybe that was for the best. 

He pulled himself out of his thoughts long enough to see that everyone was clapping for his father, who was standing at the podium. John hadn’t realized he had gotten up to speak, and now his speech was over. John politely clapped and prayed that lunch wouldn’t take too long. The sooner they left, the better. 

***

John was halfway through his lasagna when his phone buzzed with a notification and his heart stopped in his chest. 

**Alex:** Sexy tie

John almost dropped his fork. He blinked, rubbed his eyes, and refreshed his Messages app just to make sure this wasn’t some elaborate prank. Alex texted him. Alex texted him! There were so many emotions raging in his body that he could barely keep his face neutral as all the adults at the table discussed polling percentages or whatever. 

His hands shook as he typed out a response. 

**John:** You like? I had to fight my dad’s campaign manager to wear it

**Alex:** It’s so flashy. Easily the most interesting part of your dad’s speech tbh 

**Alex:** Didn’t know you were a paisley type of guy 

**John:** I’m not I just love pissing off Lee (campaign manager). It’s a great stress reliever, 10/10 recommend

**John:** He’s such an asshole. Like I’m gonna punch him in the face one day

**Alex:** Yeah I’ve heard him on cnn he’s such a dick 

**Alex:** Can you imagine the headlines if you did punch him though? “Senator Laurens’ Teen Son Knocks Out Campaign Manager” “Sources Say Campaign Manager Had It Coming To Him Since He’s A Total Dickbag” 

**John:** hey all press is good press 

**Alex:** lmao 

**Alex:** hey that conference looks boring as hell. Want me to distract you? 

**John:** YES please

As Alex told him about how he made a fool of himself at an important dinner with some of his dad’s most important donors, John had to excuse himself to the bathroom. If he stayed any longer, he would end up bursting out laughing right there at the table. He locked himself in a stall and continued texting Alexander, laughing so hard at some points that he was crying. He texted Alex all the way back on the drive home, up until he was back in his room and lying on his bed. 

**Alex:** ugh I missed talking to you

John’s heart leapt out of his chest. 

**John:** me too

John locked his phone and crawled under his covers.  _ Not falling for him, not falling for him, remember?  _ He told himself. Still, he went to bed with a smile on his face. Talking to Alex was like breathing fresh air. 

They went from talking every couple of days to talking every day. Alexander was up at all hours of the night, so John got used to receiving texts at random times throughout the day. They would talk about their days, their dreams, any random thought that happened to come to their minds. 

“Who are you texting?” Martha would ask every time she caught him on his phone. 

“Just a friend.” he would reply, and leave it at that. He considered telling his sister that he’d become friends with Alex, but decided against it. He couldn’t risk his father finding out and forcing him to cut off all communication with Alex. 

They upgraded to calling each other recently, after Alex got so offended that he thought _Return of the Jedi_ was better than _Empire Strikes Back_ (Ewoks are very cute and he doesn’t like sad endings, sorry) that he called him up in the middle of their conversation. It was almost like Alex hadn’t considered what calling him would mean, because he seemed flustered at the sound of John’s voice. They talked for a long time, and had a couple more phone calls after that. 

A part of John was glad that he was in South Carolina while Alex was in New York. Hearing Alex’s voice made it impossible for him to ignore his feelings. But since there was no way the two of them were going to see each other any time soon, he decided to indulge himself. These feelings for Alexander were a pipe dream anyway, he may as well enjoy it. 

He allowed himself to imagine that Alex might feel the same way. After all, he knew that Alex was attracted to guys too (he wrote in his Instagram bio: “Aspiring Bi Icon”. It was so Alex, John hated him. If by “hate”, he meant “really, really liked him”) and his texts were always borderline flirty. Then again, Alexander was a bit of a flirt. Some of his Twitter fights came off like an elaborate mating dance. And if it sounded like he’d been stalking Alex’s social media, that was because he had been. It was Alex’s fault for making all his accounts public! How could he resist the chance to stare at pictures of him for as long as he wanted without anyone knowing? 

John was looking at his Instagram right now, hiding his phone under the dinner table while his family talked around him. Alex’s newest post was a picture of him taking a big bite of pineapple pizza, with the caption reading: Eating the BEST pizza on earth, no matter what anyone says #pineapplepizza4lyfe. John grinned. Alex was such a little shit, John knew this had to do with the fact that he had a few choice words for Alex after finding out he liked pineapple pizza. 

“Jack, either put away the phone or I’m going to put it away for you.” His father said, ruining John’s high. 

John sighed and put his phone in his pocket. The last thing he needed was his phone to get taken away when Alex might text him later. 

“I’d like everyone’s attention on me. I have an announcement to make.” Henry continued. 

“You’re dropping out?” James blurted out. John’s heart broke a little for how excited his little brother was at the prospect. Unfortunately, Henry would sooner offer one of his kids up for sacrifice before he dropped out of the race. 

Henry gave James a withering look. “No. On the contrary, we’re going to be ramping up our campaign efforts. It’s a long road to November, and Charles and I have planned to spend the bulk of the summer campaigning in battleground states.” 

John and his siblings wore matching pale faces. There was nothing John wanted to do less than spending the entire summer moving from place to place as his father danced for his supporters while he and siblings were trotted out like prize horses or abandoned in hotel rooms. It would be the worst summer ever. 

“I talked it over with Charles, and we both agreed that my schedule will be too hectic to take you all with me. I’ve arranged for you to stay with your Aunt Betsy in New York. She assured me she has no problem watching all of you while I’m away.” 

John’s head snapped up so fast, it made him dizzy. “New York?!” 

Henry looked at him. “Right, I forgot you hate the city. Well, if it’s just you, you’re welcome to come along with me—” 

“No!” John shouted, then quickly got a hold of himself. “No, I’ll go. Someone has to help Aunt Betsy watch over the kids.” 

His father gave him a rare look of approval. “That’s right, Jack. A man takes responsibility for his family.” 

Henry turned his attention to the rest of the family. “You’ll head up there at the beginning of June, so start packing everything you need now.” 

His brothers and sisters talked excitedly about everything they were gonna do once they got there, but the pounding of his own heart drowned out their words. He was going to New York, where Alex lived. In a week, he was going to  _ see  _ Alex, look into his beautiful eyes and hear his voice up close. They would finally be together again. 

John shoveled his food down his throat, desperate to leave the dinner table as soon as possible. He couldn’t wait to tell him.

***

Alex was lying upside down on his bed. He stared at his phone, then sighed. 

“Alex. Earth to Alex. Hello? Dude!” 

He glanced at Hercules, who was sitting on his desk. “What?” 

Hercules gave him an exasperated look. “We’ve been talking to you the whole time. Where’s your head at?” 

Before Alex could answer, Lafayette cut in. “What a stupid question. Look at him, Herc. Goofy smile, dazed expression. That can only mean one thing.”

Lafayette and Herc looked at each, then said together, “John Laurens.” and sighed in unison. Lafayette even swooned onto the floor. 

Alex rolled over and glared at the two of them. “I hate you guys.” 

Lafayette rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Can you stop texting your boyfriend and spend some time with your bestest friends?” 

“I wasn’t texting him, I was reading over some of our old messages.” Alex snapped back, then he actually processed what Lafayette said. “And he’s not my boyfriend!” 

“Whatever you say,  _ mon ami.”  _

Alex sat up, sighing again. “It’s just that John is so—” 

“Whoa!” Herc put a hand up. “Sorry, bro, you’ve already hit your limit for today.” 

“What? No, I haven’t!” 

Lafayette and Hercules traded a look. “At the mall, you brought up how hot John would look in the clothes we were looking at.” Lafayette said, holding one finger up.

Hercules held two fingers up. “When we got burgers, you went on and on about how it doesn’t make any sense that John hates pickles but like tomatoes on his burger. Which I kinda agree with.”

They both held up three fingers. “Then on the ride back to your place, you had your daily rant about how you’re  _ totally  _ not into John Laurens, you just think he’s the best person ever and want to have his curly haired babies.” Herc continued. 

“This is slander, that is not what I said.” Alex protested, blushing. 

“That’s three, Alex. Three strikes and you’re, how you say, gone?” Lafayette said.

“Out.” Herc corrected. 

“Alright, I’m annoying! I’m sorry!” Alex flopped back on the bed. He was a little embarrassed that he talked about John so much that his friends had to limit him to three times a day, and more often than not he hit the limit. 

At first, he had planned on keeping John and the night they’d spent together a secret from his friends. But the moment he saw his friends at school, days after the debate, they saw right through him. 

They took one look at him and said, “What happened?” 

“I met a guy,” Alex blurted out, then slapped a hand over his mouth. 

Lafayette’s eyes lit up. “You met a guy? Where? And you didn’t tell us? This is a betrayal of the highest order, I am deeply hurt!”

Lafayette dragged them both to an empty classroom. It was the only time they would get to talk in private, since he was hella grounded (Martha had been  _ pissed,  _ when he finally turned back up way after the debate had ended). They sat down on the ground in a circle. 

“So, spill!” Lafayette urged him. “What’s his name? Is he cute? Where’d you meet him? Do you have a picture of him?” 

Alex put his hands up, trying to slow down Lafayette’s barrage of questions. “This all came out wrong. It’s not that big a deal, we just spent the night together—not like that! We just hung out and talked, and he’s really cool and easy to open up to…but nothing happened! And nothing is going to happen. It can’t.” 

Herc and Lafayette were silent for a moment. They had never heard their friend sound so inarticulate before. This guy must’ve really thrown Alex for a loop, to make him ramble like this. 

“Who is he?” Hercules asked. 

“Promise me you won’t freak out?” Alex pleaded. 

They both nodded quickly. 

He took a deep breath. “His name is John. John Laurens.” 

His friends had the same blank expression on their faces. Then Lafayette said, “That is very bad luck, dating a guy with the same last name as Senator Laurens.” 

Alex closed his eyes. “I’d expect him to have the same last name, considering it’s his son.” 

Silence. 

“ _ Dude.”  _ Herc said. 

“Alexander.” Lafayette’s eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head.

Alex shook his head. “You don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to us, quickly.” Lafayette said. “I’m not going anywhere until I figure out how you fell for the son of a living demon!” 

“No one’s fallen for anyone!” Alexander insisted. “Look, let me explain.” 

Alex told them how he met John on the rooftop, made a split second decision to ditch the debate with him, and spent the whole night going up and down New York together. He explained how different John was than what he expected. He was nothing like his father, a bigot who wanted to control people with fear. John was soft, kind, bright, and full of life. He was worth getting grounded for and more. 

Lafayette was scrolling through his phone while Alex talked. “He doesn’t use social media that much, does he? I’m trying to find a picture of him.” 

Herc was also on his phone. “Here’s a picture of him with his family that came up when I googled him. He looks…well, like a Republican.” 

Alex snatched the phone out of Herc’s hand. The picture came from a profile  _ Wall Street Journal  _ did of Henry Laurens right when he first announced his candidacy. John and his family were positioned in front of their huge South Carolina home, dressed in the same tan color. John stood stiffly next to his father, the barest hint of a smile on his face. He looked like a robot, just like he did the first time Alex saw him in the waiting room. This John was so different from the one he had spent the night with. 

“That’s not a good picture.” Alex pulled his phone out and let them flip the photos he had taken at the museum. He felt a little weird about it the moment he did, though. The museum was a personal, private moment between him and John. 

Lafayette whistled low. “You’re right, that was a terrible picture. He’s beautiful.” 

Alex felt a pang of jealousy and pride stab him at the same time, even though he had no right to either feeling. After all, John wasn’t his.  _ John wasn’t his.  _

Lafayette shook his head. “I don’t know about this,  _ mon ami.  _ Does George know?” 

“No, and he’s not going to. Look, whatever you’re about to say, I’ve already thought about it. I’ve thought about all the risks and whether this could hurt George’s campaign. That’s why I’ve already let go of any feelings I had for John.” The words hurt to say. “I would never do anything to ruin George’s chances, you guys know that.”

His friends gave him matching pitying looks, which Alex had to look away from. 

“But Martha is always on my case, telling me to keep an open mind and make friends with all types of people.” Alex continued. “So in the interest of friendship, I got his number. And I don’t know what to say.” 

Hercules laughed loudly and hit his shoulder. “Man, you’re such a dog.”

“Since when does Alexander Hamilton not know what to say?” Lafayette joked. “Just do what you usually do and talk to him until his pants fly off. In a friendly manner, of course.” 

The morning bell rang, so they had to cut off their conversation. They got their stuff and set off for their first classes. Before they split up, Lafayette turned to him one last time. 

“I don’t know what you’re stalling for,” he said. “If you really like this Laurens, go get him.” 

His words echoed in Alex’s head long after he said them. Alex also didn’t know why he was hesitating so much. Honestly, he wanted to text John as soon as John walked away from him. The memory of the quick hug they shared, John’s warm body against his for a second, made his pulse race. He missed John almost as soon as they separated, but his hands froze every time he was about to text him. It wasn’t in his nature to wait, but something about John made him cautious. He didn’t want to screw things up with him. 

Alex had an excuse for not texting him for the first two weeks after the debate. Along with grounding him, Martha had taken away his phone, only giving it back to him on days he was in school in case of emergency. But in the two weeks after, Alex still hadn’t texted John. To be fair, he was busy graduating and preparing to go to Columbia in the fall (George and Martha were so happy for him when he got his acceptance letter that they’d cried, and he felt such a rush of love for them that made it hard to breathe). But he also couldn’t find the right thing to say. It was driving him crazy. 

Then he was eating cereal in the family room one day, and he turned the TV to CNN. They were covering Senator Laurens’ speech at some Georgia youth conference, and right there in the bottom corner of the screen was John. Even with the aloof expression on his face, he looked elegant and cool in his navy blue button-up. Then Alex looked at his tie and burst out laughing. It was a blue paisley tie to match his shirt, and it made John look like a sheriff in a Western. Before he could think it through, he was shooting John a text. 

He went on eating his cereal for a few seconds, and then the reality of what he’d just done hit him all at once. “Sexy tie”? He hadn’t spoken to John in a month, and the first thing he said was “Sexy tie”? What if John thought he was hitting on him and stopped talking to him? What if John thought he was insulting him and stopped talking to him? Alex wanted to throw himself off a building. 

His phone buzzed. 

**John:** You like? I had to fight my dad’s campaign manager to wear it 

Everything in Alex relaxed. He started texting John, and he never stopped. 

His life narrowed down two things: thinking about what he was going to text John and waiting for John to text him back. They never ran out of things to say to each other. Alex never got bored of talking to him, in fact, there was no mood that couldn’t be lifted by getting a text from John. The problem was, all this texting was really throwing a wrench in his “get rid of his feelings” plan. 

It was one thing to think about John, to look at pictures of that night and think,  _ what if?  _ He looked at the photo of John in front of the ocean painting the most. He looked like an angel in the blue light, face smooth and eyes full of wonder. It was another thing to talk to John, to hear his thoughts and know that John was hearing his. And once they started calling each other, Alex feared he was fighting a losing battle. Hearing John’s low voice in his ear, hearing his laughter and knowing that he was the one to cause it made it impossible for Alex to pretend his feelings had gone anywhere. In fact, he was worried they were only growing stronger. 

“And we lost him again.” Hercules’ voice pulled him back into the present. 

Alex buried his face in his hands. “I’m sorry, you guys.” 

Lafayette hopped on the bed and put a hand on his shoulder. “Alright, we’ll break the rules today. What’s on your mind?”

“I really wish I could see him again,” Alex confessed. Even though he kept telling himself it was better this way, since the distance made it easier to keep his feelings at bay, he still wished John was here with him, right now. 

“Why don’t you invite him up here for a couple of weeks?” Lafayette offered. “The Laurens are old money, so I’m sure he can afford it.” 

Alex chuckled drily. “Yeah, I’m sure Senator Laurens would love to send his son upstate to hang out with Washington’s ‘bastard orphan’.” 

Lafayette winced. “Touché.” 

“Besides, what would I tell George and Martha?” He shook his head. “No, best case scenario he goes to Columbia with us in the fall.” 

Alex and Lafayette were going to Columbia, while Hercules was going to Parsons School of Design. John told him he had narrowed down his choices to Columbia, Princeton, and Georgetown. Alex really, really, hoped he would choose Columbia, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up. If he chose Princeton, at least that was only an hour’s drive away. If he chose Georgetown…Alex would deal with it, but he’d be pretty disappointed. 

“You could FaceTime him.” Hercules offered. 

“That’s a good idea. There’s a lot you can do over FaceTime.” Lafayette waggled his eyebrows. 

Alex turned a little red at the suggestion. He grabbed a pillow and hit Lafayette with it. “Shut up.” 

Right in the middle of Lafayette's story about his Skype adventures with a long distance ex-boyfriend from France, Alex’s phone buzzed. His heartbeat picked up as it always did when he saw it was John. 

**John <3: ** hey

**John <3: ** I have some news that you may or may not care about

Alex was intrigued. Usually John jumped straight into a topic instead of beating around the bush. 

**Alex:** What’s up? 

**John <3: **So my dad wants to spend the summer going around the country to campaign and for once in his life he decided to think about someone other than himself and not subject us to the tortures of cross country travel

**John <3: ** He’s sending me and the kids to stay with our aunt betsy for the summer

**John <3: **My aunt betsy who lives in new york 

**John <3: ** I’m coming to New York for the summer!!!

Alex fell out of his bed. 

Both Lafayette and Herc jumped. “You okay, Alex?” Herc asked.

Alex stood up just as fast. “John is coming to New York.” 

“What?” 

Alex quickly texted back. 

**Alex:** please tell me this isn’t a joke

**John <3: ** it’s not I pinched myself just to check ;) 

John was coming to New York. Alex was going to get to take him around to all his favorite spots and look into his eyes and feel his presence and even if anyone asked him if he believed in God, right then he would say he did. 

Alex clambered up on his bed and started jumping up and down. “John’s coming to New York! For the whole summer!” 

Like the best friends they were, Herc and Lafayette climbed up on the bed and celebrated with him.    
“John Laurens is coming to New York!” they chanted together, jumping on the bed in earnest. 

When Martha walked in she didn’t know what she was looking at. “You boys wanna tell me what’s going on here?”

The boys collapsed onto the bed in an inelegant pile. “Just messing around.” Alex replied. 

Martha shook her head, but smiled anyway. “Well, when you’re done doing that, dinner’s ready.” 

Lafayette sprung up immediately. He loved Martha’s cooking. As they filed out of Alex’s room, Alex couldn’t keep the smile off of his face. The same thought kept running through his head.

_ John Laurens is coming home.  _

***

The week passed by in a blur, and before John knew it all his stuff was packed and he was flying up to New York City. His aunt lived in the type of posh, spacious apartment that he thought only existed in TV shows. The youngest two, Henry Jr. and Mary, had a lot of fun running around the place. His father, who had flown down with them, pulled John aside one last time before he left for real. 

“You’re the man of the house while I’m away.” Henry said, and it took everything in him to keep from rolling his eyes. “Watch over your brothers and sisters. Be mindful of the way you present yourself. Make me proud.” 

“Yes, sir.” John said automatically. 

Henry gave him a tight nod and then he was gone. John could breathe again. He went up to the guest room he claimed for himself and launched himself onto the bed, finally letting himself smile because he was  _ here.  _ It wasn’t a dream, he was actually in New York without his father watching his every move. He was truly free! John pulled out his phone and considered texting Alex. 

“Call me as soon as you get here,” Alex said on the phone, days before his flight. “I mean, as soon. Have your phone out as soon as the plane lands.” 

“Alex, I’m gonna need a day to unpack my stuff.” John laughed. 

“Your stuff isn’t going anywhere.” Alex assured him. “I have so many places I want to take you. And you’ll finally get to meet Laf and Herc! God, I can’t wait for you to get here.” 

“I can’t wait to see you.” The words just slipped out. 

There was a pause, and John’s stomach dropped. Why did he say that? Alex was just trying to be nice because they were friends and  _ only  _ friends, and John had to go and made it weird. Why was it when it came to Alexander he had no control over what he said or what he did? 

“I can’t wait to see you too.” Alex breathed, and John felt like he could breathe again as well. 

John wanted to see Alex so bad, he wished he could teleport to where he was. But he was also nervous, and it made him hesitate to text him. Even though Alex had made it clear he wanted to see him as soon as possible, John was scared to misread anything. He decided to just say he was here and see how Alex responded. 

**John:** I’m currently lying on my bed in my aunt’s swanky Upper West Side apartment and life is good

Alex’s response was lightning fast. 

**Alex:** send me the address I’ll pick you up 

**Alex:** literally looking at Ubers now

John felt like an idiot, grinning in his room by himself. But when Alex was so obvious like that, what was he supposed to do?

**John:** lol I’m tired tonight 

**John:** but I’m not doing anything tomorrow 

**Alex:** yeah you are you’re hanging with me 

And if that didn’t send a shiver down John’s spine, he didn’t know what would. 

The next day, John told his aunt he was going to hang out with some friends. 

“You’ve already made friends?” Betsy said, curious. “You’ve barely put your bag down.” 

“I met them before at one of Dad’s events.” John replied, which technically wasn’t a lie. 

Betsy gave him a measured look, regarding him silently for so long John started to worry. Then she gave him a gentle smile, “Look, John, as long as you let me know where you are I don’t care what you do. I’ve always felt bad that you had to grow so fast after Eleanor died when you’re a kid too. You should be having fun, getting up to trouble!” 

John blushed. “I’m not trying to get in any trouble.” 

“What I’m saying is, you’re allowed to be a teenager this summer. Go out and have as much fun as you want!” She went back to the book she was reading. “But try to keep out of the news. Henry already has a big enough stick up his ass.”

John laughed, shocked by the statement. He liked Betsy a lot already. 

John walked to the subway station and took the train up to 32nd Street, where Alex said to meet him. His leg bounced on the whole ride, both from excitement and anxiety. He was so close to seeing Alex again, but he was worried. What if it was awkward? Sure, they talked all the time over the phone, but it was different in person. What if they didn’t know how to be around each other anymore, if the magic from that night was all gone now? John didn’t know what he would do. 

He got there a little earlier, which was great. He’d have a little time to mentally prepare himself before Alex showed up. But when he walked up the stairs out of the station and onto the sidewalk, he saw Alex already there, across the street, on his phone. He was wearing a thick hoodie and a Yankees hat with a wide brim that almost obscured his face. That didn’t matter, because John was sure he’d be able to recognize Alexander from miles away. For a few seconds, John got caught up just staring at him, still in disbelief at the fact that Alex was only fingertips away from him. 

Then Alex saw him. Hundreds of people passing by, hundreds of cars on the street between them, and Alex  _ saw  _ him. He could see the exact moment he did, because Alex looked up and his eyes widened. A smile came to his face, cautious at first, then bursting from every corner. As soon as the walk signal was given, Alex ran across the street and straight into John’s arms. 

He held John tight against his chest and just said, “You’re here.” 

John’s heart was pounding. He wrapped his arms around and Alex and said, “I’m here.” 

Here, in Alex’s arms, he was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know John definitely should know what college he's going to by the time he graduates but shhhhh we'll pretend he still has time to decide for suspense
> 
> next chapter will be up whenever I finish writing it instead of waiting till Friday, since honestly plotwise I consider it chapter 2 pt.2 because I had to split it up cuz it was getting too long. Which is funny, because even though I split them up this next chapter is already looking like it's gonna be pretty long but bear with me it's gonna be a fun one ;)
> 
> Thank you for all your comments and kudos! I initially wrote this story for myself but all the comments I got really motivated me to put my all into this fic, and I promise I won't disappoint!
> 
> See you next week <3333!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex grinned. “My mouth is the only good thing about me.” 
> 
> John’s eyes flicked down to his lips. “I’ll say.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this turned out to be a super long chapter.......i'm sowwy :''))))

Alex could stand there for hours holding John in his arms. It was proof that John was actually here with him, in New York. For once in his life, something he wished for so badly had actually happened. 

He barely got any sleep last night. His mind kept spinning, thinking about what he would say and do once he saw John again. When he woke up, he changed his outfit three times, stressing over whether it was better to be a little dressy or casual. Finally, he settled on casual clothes and put on his Yankees cap just to be safe. Alex wasn’t so arrogant to think he was famous enough to need a disguise to walk the streets of New York, especially with how crowded the city is. But he had to admit, he had been recognized from time to time. If one magazine even published a friendly article about John and Alex, it would be trouble for the both of them. 

Despite all the time Alex took getting ready, he managed to show up 45 minutes early to pick up John. He was definitely way too excited, and decided to take the extra time to calm himself down. There was still a chance that maybe things wouldn’t go well, that Alex had put John on too high of a pedestal and once they reunited, he’d realized that the real John wasn’t that amazing. Maybe he’d— 

His line of thinking cut off like a record scratch when he looked up and across the street, and saw John. He was sure it was John, even though all the people walking up and down the sidewalk made it hard to see across the street, because John shone like a beacon of light to him. He was 30 minutes early, he had this cute little confused expression on his face, and if Beyonce had floated down from the heavens on a cloud and performed her greatest hits right in front of Alex’s face, he wouldn’t have even spared her a glance. He only had eyes for John. 

His body moved without his permission. Before he knew it, he was standing in the middle of the sidewalk hugging John, and John was hugging him back. He rested his nose in John’s hair for a second, lost in the warm honey scent of him. 

John pulled back a little. “You’re early.” 

Alex fully stepped back, and took all of John in. He looked at the freckles that dotted his face, the lively look in his hazel eyes, and his thick hair, which had been tied back in a ponytail. He was just as beautiful as he remembered and Alexander’s heart went _boom._

The truth slipped out of his mouth. “I couldn’t wait.” 

John met his eyes and gave him a shy smile. “Me too.” 

They stood there smiling at each other for a few minutes, and Alex itched to take John’s hand. John broke the silence before he could follow through on that impulse. 

“So? What are we doing?” John asked. 

Alex wanted to grab John’s hand and take him far away from the city, to someplace where it would just be the two of them, far away from everybody. He cursed Lafayette that he couldn’t do exactly that. 

He Facetimed Lafayette yesterday to get some advice on where he should take John first. “His dad’s such an asshole, so he’s never really gotten to do anything fun in the summer. I want him to have a good time while he’s here, then maybe he’ll never want to leave.” Alexander explained.

“Why don’t you bring him to my place?” Lafayette suggested. “We can order pizza and have a movie marathon or play video games or something. We could even all go out later if we find something to do.” 

Alex made a face. All his plans had included him and John hanging out alone. He loved his friends, but he had a feeling that as soon as he saw John again he was going to want to be alone with him immediately. 

Lafayette laughed. “Don’t make that face! Herc and I deserve a chance to meet him before you try to keep him all to yourself.” 

Alex sighed. “Alright, I’ll bring him over. I want you guys to meet him too.” 

Alex cursed his past self. He knew himself better than anyone and he still made the wrong decision. “We’re gonna walk over to Laf’s house and chill, probably watch some movies. It’s not too far from here.” 

John nodded, a little disappointed that it wouldn’t be the two of them. At the same time, he was relieved. If they were alone, he wasn’t sure he’d be able keep his feelings under control. They had only been together a few minutes and John was already worried that his thoughts were written all over his face. 

They slowly made their way to Lafayette’s house. It may have been wishful thinking, but it seemed like Alex was purposefully dragging his feet (Alex was, he’d never walked so slow in his life). Finally, they ended up walking through a neighborhood with some of the most extravagant houses John had ever seen. And he’d grown up on a large estate himself, so that was saying something. 

“Yeah, Lafayette is disgustingly rich,” Alex said, reading his mind. “His family has roots in French royalty. If you heard his full name, you’d shit yourself.”

Alex stopped in front of one of the houses. “Laf’s one of the few super rich people I know that doesn’t act like it’s his birthright to be a douchebag to everyone who isn’t as rich as he is. Plus since his house is huge and his parents are super hands off, we end up stealing bottles from his dad’s cellar and chilling here most of the time.” 

Alex took him around to the back of the house, where there was a long row of stairs leading to a basement door. They walked down and Alex burst through the large doors like he owned the place. John trailed after him, and the first thing he saw was a boy with a high, poofy ponytail lounging on the long, wraparound couch and another boy, the beefiest guy he’d ever seen in his life, laying back on the nearby armchair. They both stood up when Alex and him came into view. 

“Alex, you’re here!” Lafayette came around from the couch first and stood in front of the two of them. “And you must be John.” 

Lafayette put his hand out and John reached out to take it. “Yep, that’s me.” 

Instead of shaking his hand like John expected, Lafayette raised the back of his hand to his lips and kissed it. 

“Lafayette,” he introduced himself. “You’re even more beautiful in person.” 

John laughed, face a little pink. Of course someone handsome and flirty like Alex would also have handsome and flirty friends. John didn’t know how his heart was going to survive. 

Alex glared at Lafayette. It took all of his willpower not to rip John’s hand out of Lafayette’s grasp. “You’re not gonna give him the full name?” 

Lafayette kept his eyes on John. “There’s no need. My friends call me Lafayette, and as far as I’m concerned, we’re already friends.”

“Easy there, Casanova.” Hercules pulled back Lafayette, narrowly saving him from an early death by Alex’s hands. 

He clasped a hand on John’s shoulder. “I’m Hercules. It’s nice to finally meet you. We’ve heard _a lot_ about you.” 

John was surprised. “Really?” 

“Oh, yes.” Lafayette giggled. “So much that I consider you the honorary fourth member of our little trio.” 

“Are you guys done?” Alex jumped in. “Shouldn’t we be watching a movie and shoving our faces with pizza?” 

John glanced at Alex, who was blushing. It made his heart flutter. Had Alex really talked about him that much? 

Lafayette winked. “Your wish is my command, _mon ami._ ” 

Lafayette jumped over the back of the couch, while Alex and John walked around and sat down. Hercules decided to sit on the couch this time, which shoved all of them closer together. John and Alex were pressed together from arm to leg, which didn’t go unnoticed by either boy as evidenced by their matching red faces. 

Lafayette turned on the TV, then leaned forward to look at John. “So, John, how are you enjoying New York so far?” 

John shrugged. “I’ve only been here a day, but I’m already enjoying it much better than every other time I’ve come to New York.” 

“You ain’t seen nothing yet,” Hercules said. 

“ _Oui,_ this is going to be the best summer ever.” Lafayette sighed. “Or it will be, once everyone comes back.” 

“Yeah, where is everyone?” Alex asked. 

Lafayette leaned back to put his head on Hercules’ lap and rested his legs on Alex and John. John was warmed by the casual ease of the gesture. It was like he was actually a part of the group. 

“Everyone’s either vacationing with their families or interning somewhere out of state.” Lafayette said. “The Schuyler sisters are at their summer home in London, Maria is doing some acting camp in LA. Burr is interning at some law firm in DC.” 

“Who cares? Burr is the worst.” Hercules said. 

Lafayette snickered. “True. Even Thomas is vacationing in Paris with his family. And he brought James with him, so get ready for your Insta feed to be filled with tons of couples’ selfies.” 

Alex grimaced. “Ugh, no thanks. I’d rather stab my eyes out.” 

“You may hate him, Alex, but he throws great parties.” Lafayette sighed. “Hopefully everyone will be back by the end of the month.”

For the first time, John wished he put in more of an effort to get to know the other kids in the political community. All these names were familiar to him, but he’d always been a bit of a loner, so he never talked to anyone outside of his siblings at any of the events. 

“It’ll be fine.” Alex said. “We can get up to shit all on our own.” 

The mischievous looks the boys all shot at each other made John laugh. “How long have you guys known each other?” 

Hercules shrugged. “Me and Laf have known each other since we were kids.”

Lafayette nodded. “Hercules’s parents are fashion designers for the rich and famous, so we hung out while _Maman_ got her dresses made. Then Alex came along when we started freshman year.”

“They were the first people I talked to when I got to America, other than George and Martha.” Alex recounted. “Hercules scared the shit out of me. I thought he was gonna slam dunk me in a trash can if I said the wrong thing.” 

Herc grinned. “I have that effect on people.” 

Lafayette poked his stomach. “In reality, you’re just a big teddy bear.” 

“Hey!” Hercules protested, while everyone laughed. 

Lafayette turned his attention back to John. “If you met the Alex from back then, you wouldn’t even recognize him. He was so shy and careful, and he spoke so softly that we had to ask him to repeat everything twice!”

John scrunched his eyebrows and pointed at Alex. “Seriously? Alex?” 

Alex hit his shoulder. “You don’t have to sound so surprised.” 

“Yeah, our fault.” Herc said. “Once we got him talking, he never stopped.” 

John would never say this out loud, but a quiet, shy Alex sounded just as cute as the Alex he was now. He’d probably be drawn to him either way. 

“Okay, is making fun of Alex time over?” Alex complained. “Let’s watch a movie.”

“Alright, alright, let’s watch a movie.” Lafayette picked up the remote. “There’s plenty of time to make fun of you later.” 

The trio argued over what movie to watch. Lafayette wanted to watch _Pride and Prejudice,_ Herc wanted to watch _The Devil Wears Prada,_ and Alex wanted to watch _Scarface._ With their tastes all over the map, it seemed like they would never agree on a movie. 

Then Alex put an arm around John’s shoulder. “You know what, let’s let John pick a movie, since it's his first movie day with us. John, what do you want to watch?” 

John, distracted by the feeling of Alexander’s arm brushing his neck, blurted out the first movie that came to mind. “Uh, what about _Zootopia?”_

All three boys brightened. “ _Zootopia,_ that’s a great movie.” Alex said. 

Herc nodded. “Can’t go wrong with a Disney movie.” 

Lafayette pulled up Disney Plus. “Let’s watch!” 

From the moment John said, “Does it make me a furry if I think Judy and Nick are cute together?”, the three boys knew that John Laurens would fit right into their little group. 

***

For the first time in John’s life, he had _friends._ Actual friends. Friends that he texted and hung out with and who considered him part of their group. He’d been added to a group chat with Alex, Lafayette, and Hercules called “The Revolutionary Squad” and almost died laughing at some of the conversations they had in there. 

Since John still didn’t think it was a good idea for his family to know they were hanging out, him and Alexander set up a routine where they’d meet up at the subway station and walk down to Lafayette’s house together. The longish walk felt so much shorter when he was walking with Alex. They’d talk the whole way through, walking at a snail’s pace, and it still wasn’t enough time. Sometimes John wanted to stop in the middle of the sidewalk and soak up Alex’s presence. He never got tired of talking to him and watching the way his eyes lit up when he really got going on a topic. 

The group did everything together. They went to the mall, played around in the park, went to the movies, played video games in Lafayette’s basement and talked about the dumbest stuff. John never felt so comfortable with a group of people before, and he marveled at how lucky he was to have met them. After all, what were the chances that fate would put the four of them all in one spot? 

As he was getting ready for bed, his phone vibrated with a text message. He smiled when he saw it was from Alex. Lafayette had stolen his phone and changed all their names to funny nicknames.

 **petit lion <333: **Hey you wanna get breakfast tomorrow before we head over to Laf’s? 

John’s heart raced. Breakfast alone with Alex, where he could stare at Alex’s face for hours and not have to worry about Lafayette or Hercules catching him? Hell _yes._

 **John:** Sure! Just text me the address and I’ll meet up with you after my morning run

 **petit lion <333: **Morning run? 

He had taken to waking up early to run a couple of miles through the nearby park. He’d done that in South Carolina too, running the length of his large estate grounds. It helped him clear his head, and it gave him some guaranteed alone time. Between his duties to his family and his father’s expectations, he needed it.

 **John:** Yeah I run a couple miles every morning. Helps me relax 

**petit lion <333: **Oh wow cool

 **petit lion <333: **Well if you don’t mind i’d could come by and run with you? And then we could walk over to the diner together

 **John:** You run? I didn’t know that

 **petit lion <333: **There’s a lot you don’t know about me ;)

 **petit lion <333: **Don’t worry I promise I won’t outrace you 

John scoffed at the audacity of Alex’s comment. 

**John:** You’re on 

John flopped onto bed, smile fixed on his face. A whole morning alone with Alexander. It sounded like a dream. He closed his eyes, willing himself to fall asleep fast so the morning would come even quicker. 

Alex laid on his bed with a similar expression on his face. He was tempted to get out of bed and do a little dance, but he was too comfy in his current position. His phone buzzed again and he brought to his face instantly, only to be slightly disappointed when he saw it was just Lafayette. 

**Laffy Taffy:** Can you guys pick up egg bagels on your way over tomorrow I have a craving

 **Alex:** Don’t you have a butler to do that for you

 **Laffy Taffy:** haha very funny I’m serious

 **Alex:** Fine but we’re gonna be late tomorrow anyway. We’re going for a run and then getting breakfast

It thrilled Alex just to say the words. A whole morning alone with John! He could hardly believe his luck. 

**Laffy Taffy:** …who’s going for a run? 

**Alex:** Me and John 

Immediately his phone started ringing. He picked up the call and was greeted with the sound of Lafayette laughing hard into the receiver. 

“You...running...tell me you’re joking!” he wheezed. “You run out of breath climbing up a couple flights of stairs! Since when do you run?”

“Since now.” Alex shot back. “I think it’s an excellent way to exercise.” 

“Uh huh.” Lafayette replied, still giggling. “When are you gonna send the wedding invitations? And try to choose a nice color for the groomsmen attire, I’d hate to look tacky.” 

Alex hated the way his face warmed immediately. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Yes, you do! It was one thing hearing you talk about him all the time, but watching you two together is something else entirely. Have you seen yourself around him? You’re helpless, completely head over heels!” 

“No, I’m not.” he denied weakly. 

“John and Alex, kissing in a tree,” Lafayette sang. “K-I-S-S-I—”

Alex hung up the phone. Lafayette was probably going to spam his phone with kissy face emojis, but Alex didn’t care. He wasn’t in the mood to joke about his feelings. 

He rolled over onto his side and sighed. His feelings for John were one big question mark in his head, and he wanted it to remain that. He accepted that he thought about John more than he had about any friend he’d ever had, that he always wanted to be around him. Making John smile made him feel giddy inside, and sometimes when he wasn’t careful he’d catch himself staring at John’s lips as he talked. But things were different now. These weren’t silly fantasies about a guy far out of his reach anymore, John was real and he was right in front of him. Alex was terrified that if he let John in, let his heart tell his head what it already knew, this whole situation would slip out of his control. Alex wasn’t good with not being in control. 

So he’d let himself get as far as thinking, _I can’t wait to see John again,_ and left it at that. 

When Alex woke up the next day, he wasn’t exactly sure what to wear. Lafayette wasn’t lying, running was far down on his list of activities he’d choose to do. But the chance to see a sweaty, heavy breathing John, who might lift his shirt up to wipe his face—he couldn’t afford to pass up that opportunity. He settled on wearing a loose t-shirt, tight sweatpants, and Nikes. He was sure as long as he paced himself it wouldn’t be so bad. 

Alex walked over to the park, which wasn’t too far since he and John lived surprisingly close to one another. Since it was an early weekday morning, the park was practically empty. He saw John in the distance, stretching his legs against a bench. He was wearing a slim pair of joggers and a black tank top, and Alex practically had to put his tongue back in his mouth at the sight of John’s muscles. 

John spotted him and waved. Alex ran up to him, urged to close the distance between them just a little faster. 

“Are you ready?” John asked. “I usually do five miles, but we can go shorter if you want.” 

Alex paled. Five miles? One lap around the large park was already daunting enough. “Sounds good to me!” he lied. 

It was pretty clear after a couple of laps that he both overestimated how athletic he was and underestimated how athletic John was. They were only jogging and Alex’s chest was already heaving, while John obviously looked like he was holding back. 

“You okay, Alex?” John asked, barely breaking a sweat next to him. 

“Yeah, I’m great!” Alex assured him, as if his whole body wasn’t screaming at him in protest. “Seriously, you don’t have to go at my pace. Just run like you would if I wasn’t there.”

John raised his eyebrows. “You sure?” 

Alex nodded. “Yeah, I’ll catch up with you.”

John took off like a rocket. 

Alex valiantly tried to kick up his speed in a lame attempt to keep up with John. But with the risk of his knees giving out, he quickly decided to collapse against a nearby tree and catch his breath. 

John lapped around twice, quick as a gazelle, before he noticed Alex slumped against the tree. He rushed right over immediately. 

“Alex, are you okay?” He sounded so concerned that it made Alex squirm with embarrassment. 

Alex wouldn’t make eye contact with him. “I’m fine, I’m fine.”

John slid down to sit next to him and handed Alex his water bottle. “Here, drink some water.” 

Alex took a big gulp from his bottle and John shook off any thoughts of _indirect kiss_ as soon as they came. Once he finished drinking, Alex stayed silent. There was a brooding look on his face that John wasn’t used to seeing. 

“I’m not a runner.” Alex spoke first. 

John grinned. “Yeah, I think I figured that out.”

Alex groaned and rested his head on his knees, hiding his face from John. “I really didn’t want to show you my uncool side, so of course that’s exactly what I do…” 

John was right, an unsure Alexander attracted him just as much as the usual confident Alexander.

“I mean did run track, so it’s not like I was expecting you to keep up with me.” John comforted him. “And hey, it’s a relief to know you’re not actually perfect." 

Alex looked up at that and gave him a small smile. “You thought I was perfect?” 

John’s mouth opened and closed. “That’s not what I said. I mean, that’s not what I meant. I mean—I’m gonna finish up my laps!”

He got up and dashed away before he could say something else stupid. 

Alex chuckled to himself, thinking, _John Laurens thinks I’m perfect._ Maybe the morning wasn’t such a waste after all. 

By the time John finished, they were both starving. They walked over to a nearby diner and ordered pancakes. Alex was drooling by the time the waitress dropped a fluffy stack in front of him. He poured syrup over the pancake at the top of the stack and tore into it. When he looked over, he saw John ripping his pancakes into little pieces with his hands. 

“What are you doing?” Alex asked. 

John glanced at him, then turned his attention back to his food. “What do you mean? I’m eating.” 

Alex gestured to John’s plate. “Yeah, but why are you doing that?” 

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It feels like there’s more pancakes this way. My mom used to do it for me, then I never stopped doing it.” 

His family used to go out for brunch after church every Sunday. His dad would complain, saying that all the sugar made the kids too hyper and there was so much work he had to get done, but even his father had a hard time saying no to Eleanor Laurens. His dad was softer back then, more caring towards his family. Every time, John would order a big stack of pancakes topped with butter. Eleanor, with her tiny, gentle hands, would tear each pancake into tiny pieces for him so it was easier to eat. 

“Look at how many pancakes you have now, Jackie!” she’d say. 

Like a kid, he was easily fooled. He thought his mom was a superhero, like because she could make more pancakes out of thin air nothing could take her down. He was only ten years old when he realized that she was very human, and could be taken down without much fuss at all. 

Alex had a quiet smile on his face, like he knew exactly what place John went to in his head. “My mom hated sweet stuff. She’d only make me pancakes when it was my birthday or Christmas. It was weird to me for a while, when I got here, that people ate pancakes for breakfast like it was nothing.” 

Alex didn’t talk about his birth parents much at all, mom or dad. So to hear him share a little about his mom and his life in Nevis made John very happy. 

“When did your mom pass away?” Alex said. 

John was surprised by the blunt question. Usually people talked around it or asked like he’d collapse just from the question. It was refreshing to be asked straight up.

“When I was ten.” he answered plainly. “Cancer. Sometimes it feels like I never had her and other times I see her in everything.”

Alex hummed in agreement. “I had my mom a little longer, but I know what you mean. I think a lot about what my mom would say if she saw me now. She’d probably be really happy. All she ever wanted me to do was get out of Nevis and make something of myself.” 

“I think she’d be proud. You’re already pretty famous.” John thought it over. “Or, I guess infamous.” 

Alex lightly kicked his foot. “Rude.” 

They fell into a comfortable silence, enjoying their breakfast. John thought his mom would’ve liked Alex. Granted, she would’ve thought he was a sweet talker and been worried that he might break John’s heart (because if she was here she would’ve known everything about John. Everything.), but she would’ve been charmed by him anyway. 

_If you’re watching over me up there, Mom, I’ll be okay._ He sent a quick prayer up to his mom. _I’m okay._

***

“ _Mes amis,_ our summer begins!” Lafayette said as he thundered down the steps. “John Jay’s throwing a party on Saturday!” 

“What?” Alex turned around to look at Lafayette, which gave John the chance to shoot a blue shell at Alex’s car. 

Alex turned back to the TV to see his car turned upside down. “Hey, no fair!” 

John’s eyes were trained on the race track. “It’s Mario Kart, what’s fair?” 

Lafayette jumped in front of the TV. “Pay attention! John Jay is throwing a party on Saturday. The first party of the summer! We can’t miss it.”

“I thought Jay was in rehab.” Hercules said. 

“Probably.” Lafayette snorted. “Remember how he looked at graduation? _Mon dieu,_ I was sure he was going to pass out on stage. But who cares? His house is huge and his parents are gone, we’re going!” 

“Sure, I’m down.” Alex said. “Can’t say no to free booze.” 

John shifted uncomfortably. “I’ve never been to a party before.” 

All three boys turned to look at him. 

“Really?” Alex said. 

“Yes, really.” John shot back, stung. “I’m not popular like you guys.” 

There was a pause at this comment. Then Lafayette grinned widely. “Then this is gonna be the best night of your life.” 

Lafayette addressed everyone. “Here’s the plan: we’ll pregame at my place before the party, then catch a ride over to Jay’s place. Our goal for the night is to get John well and truly wasted.” 

Alex and Hercules cheered. 

Hercules clasped John’s shoulder. “By the time we’re done with you, you won’t remember your name.” 

This all made John anxious. He had no idea what to do at a party and he was terrified that he was gonna mess up somehow and look like an idiot in front of his friends. It was almost enough to make him want to skip the whole thing altogether. But then Alex put a hand on his other shoulder. 

“Don’t worry, John.” Alex reassured him. “We’re gonna make sure you have a good time.” 

Alex looked so excited that he ended up nodding his head in agreement, and the boys cheered again. He decided to trust that his friends wouldn’t leave him behind and that maybe he’d actually end up having fun. 

When the day came, John was stressed out. He told his aunt that he was going to sleep over at his friend Lafayette’s house, then went to his room and threw all the clothes he brought with him to New York onto his bed. What did people wear to parties? Somehow he didn’t think a polo shirt and khakis were gonna cut it. 

“Did I hear you say you’re sleeping over at Lafayette’s house? As in the Marquis?” 

John looked up to see Martha in the doorway. “Martha, not now.”

Martha ignored him. “Where the hell did you meet Lafayette?” 

“We’re in a book club together.” he said drily. 

Martha noticed all the clothes strewn across the floor. “Sleepover, my ass. You’re going to a party, aren’t you? Whose?” 

“John Jay’s,” John replied absentmindedly, throwing some more shirts on the ground. 

“John Jay?!” The shock in Martha’s voice brought John’s attention back to his sister. “Okay, seriously, who are you? Since when do you go partying with the rich and famous of New York?” 

John hesitated. He was used to telling Martha everything. They were only two years apart in age and she was his best friend, his partner in crime. He wanted so badly to tell her everything about his new friends and _Alex,_ but he couldn’t. He’d come too far to risk his father finding out. 

“We can talk about this later. I’ve gotta get ready.” He took Martha by her arms and carefully steered her towards the door. 

Martha resisted the whole way. “You’re kicking me out? Seriously, Jack? Jack!”

Right before John was about to close the door, Martha sighed and said, “Wear your skinny jeans and the black shirt that’s tight around your arms. And wear your hair down.”

John paused mid-swing. Even when he was being a jerk, his sister still wanted to help him out. All at once, he felt a crushing wave of guilt. 

Martha crossed her arms and smirked. “I know, I know, I’m the best sister ever. If you really want to thank me, you’ll get a picture of Alex Hamilton for me.”

He looked away. “I don’t think we’ll run into each other.” 

When he showed up at Lafayette’s place, music was playing on the overhead speakers. Hercules was arranging four red Solo cups on the table and Lafayette was mixing alcohol in each of the cups. 

“ _Mon ami,_ you’re here!” Lafayette smiled at him. “You look hot. I know a certain someone will appreciate it.” 

Lafayette and Hercules shared a look, which John didn’t even try to figure out. “Thanks, man. Where’s Alex?” 

“Most likely changing his outfit for the tenth time.” Lafayette sighed. “He’s a bit of a primadonna, your Alex.” 

John’s head snapped up. “He’s not my—” 

“I can _feel_ you talking shit about me, Laf.” 

Lafayette turned in the direction of Alex’s voice. “That’s because you’re late.”

Alex came into view, and it was like someone punched John in the gut. He was wearing a tight pair of ripped jeans and a muscle tank top that really showed off his body. John couldn’t do anything but stare, the words sticking to his throat. 

“You can’t rush perfect.” Alex winked. “It’s the first party of the summer! I had to come with my A-game.” 

Alex turned to John and froze. John looked…amazing. His hair was loose and spilling across his shoulders, and the shirt he was wearing made his arms pop and those _pants._ Alex was having a hard time putting words together. 

“John.” he said, looking him up and down. “You look great.” 

John flushed at the attention. “Thanks. You too.” 

They were caught up looking at each other, until Lafayette cleared his throat. 

“We all look great, thank you, Alex.” he said, giving Alex an amused look. “Now that you’re here, we can get this party started.” 

The four of them crowded around the table and each picked up a red cup. 

“John, I call this drink Liquid Courage because once we drink it there’s nothing we can’t do.” Lafayette raised his cup. “To John’s first party! Let’s make it a night he’ll never forget.”

“To John’s first party!” Alex and Herc cheered. 

The boys toasted their cups and chugged the drinks down at the same time. The drink went down smooth, but it burned his throat like hell and made his body feel warm. He felt lighter immediately. 

Herc put his fist out. “Let’s go fuck it up, boys!” 

They all bumped fists. “Hell yeah!”

***

The scene that greeted him once John walked through the door of John Jay’s mansion was…overwhelming. The music was so loud it bounced off the walls and echoed throughout the huge house. There were people everywhere, talking, dancing, making out up against the walls. Two guys came sliding down the stairs on a laundry basket and crashed hard at the bottom, to the cheers of everyone watching. And this was just the first floor. 

As soon as his friends walked in, John noticed how the party shifted around them. So many people came up to them to say hi to Alex, Lafayette, Hercules, that John felt like the odd one out. The greetings ranged from handshakes and hugs to more bizarre ones. One girl jumped into Herc’s arms and wrapped her legs around him. Another girl gave Alex a hug, then pulled away and slapped him across the face. 

“You know what that’s for,” was all she said, and Alex accepted it with a laugh.

The girl turned to John. “Who’s this?” 

Alex threw an arm around him. “This is John. He’s not from around here so be nice to him, okay?”

The girl smiled and gave John a big hug, then kissed him on the cheek. “I can be nice. Find me downstairs and I’ll give you a real welcome.” 

She slipped away, and both Lafayette and Herc whooped loudly. “Damn, John. Only been here five seconds and you’re already picking up girls.” 

“Better watch your man,” Lafayette murmured to Alex. 

Alex ignored him and put his arm around John again, this time feeling a little possessive. “Let’s head downstairs.” 

The basement was even more amazing than upstairs. The music was the loudest here, and the only light came from overhead lamps that flashed red, green, and blue in intervals. All John could see was people’s shadows moving against each other, dancing and grinding. There was a pool table on one side of the room where people were playing beer pong. A couple of girls in bikinis pushed past him to run out the basement door, probably to head out to the pool in the backyard. It was chaos, pure and simple. 

“Over here!” Lafayette’s voice snapped him out of the daze he had fallen into. He waved them over to a table where he had a row of shots lined up. 

“Let’s see how well you can hold your drink,” Lafayette said as he put a shot glass in John’s hand. “There’s only one rule to this game: do not throw away your shot!” 

After the fourth or fifth shot, things started to get a little hazy. 

At some point he found himself dancing with the girl from earlier and a random guy, nothing too scandalous. They were moving to the beat of a bass heavy hip hop song together, lost in a sea of people bumping and grinding around them. Then he was in the backyard, on Hercules’s back. He howled and held on tightly as they raced Lafayette, who was piggybacking on another guy’s back. Hercules and John ended up sprawling on the grass, breathless with laughter. John stared up at the sky, the stars spinning around him. He closed his eyes and considered never moving, becoming a part of the earth instead. 

When he opened his eyes he was in the family room, his head resting on the lap of a pretty girl. He was going on and on about the different turtle species, going into detail about their different personalities and their beauty. 

“I just love them so much, you know?” he said, rubbing his face with his hands. 

The girl stroked his hair back, a soothing gesture. “I know, sweetie, I know.” 

He was keenly aware of the fact that he had lost track of Alex. No matter where he was, he’d find himself looking around to catch a glimpse of Alex, but he was nowhere to be found. The thought that he might be off with one of the many beautiful boys or girls at this party left a sour taste in John’s mouth. 

He didn’t find out where Alex was until he was at the pool table playing Flip Cup (Slip Cup? Whatever the hell it was, he was killing it) and a huge mass of people ran for the backyard door. He grabbed a guy and asked what was going on. 

“Jefferson came back from France early and he crashed the party,” the guy explained. “Everyone’s saying he and Hamilton are about to go at it.” 

After hearing that, John had to make his way outside. He pushed his way to the front of the pack and saw Alex and Thomas Jefferson facing each other. Alex was like a storm, his eyes were wild and his whole body thrummed with anticipation. On the other side, Thomas looked calm and collected, with a stocky man standing behind him, massaging his shoulders. 

John hadn’t realized until then that Jefferson referred to Thomas Jefferson, someone he’d grown up with. Their fathers were both prominent Republican politicians and friends, so they’d gone to a lot of the same summer camps growing up and attended the same dinner parties. Thomas had tried to befriend him, but between their completely opposite views on everything and Thomas’ tendency to talk about himself _a lot,_ their friendship never took. But knowing everything he did about Thomas, it made sense that him and Alexander were enemies. There didn’t exist a person more opposite to Alex in the world. 

John was prepared to jump in, in case it turned into a fist fight. If there was one thing he was confident in, it was his fighting skills. And he wouldn’t let anyone lay a finger on Alexander. 

Thomas moved forward and John tensed, waiting to see what would happen. Thomas opened his mouth and started talking—no, _rapping._ The crowd circled around them, hooting and hollering. It was then that John understood what was going on. They weren’t about to punch each other out, they were having a freestyle battle! 

John had to admit, Thomas could rap. His flow was measured and firm, and he packed a punch with each verse he laid down. John found himself nodding along with him against his will. 

“And if you don’t know, now you know,” Thomas finished. Explosive cheers rang out around them. 

Alex stepped up, and it was at that moment that his and John’s eyes met. John gave him an encouraging smile and Alex seemed to light up at the sight of it. He turned to Thomas, opened his mouth, and went _off._

Alex’s flow was quick-paced and forceful, but he didn’t trip over a single word. His verses bludgeoned Jefferson like a hammer. He was electric, and the more passionate he got the more the crowd got riled up with him. John thought before that Alex couldn’t get any hotter, but he was dead wrong. He prayed to God that no one was looking at him right now, because he had major heart eyes. 

“Sittin’ there useless as two shits, turn around, bend over, and I’ll show you where my shoe fits!” 

Everyone went wild. Thomas charged at Alex, but he was held back by the guy who was standing behind him before. John rushed forward to meet Alex, and it looked like Alex was coming to him too. But then Alex was mobbed by people coming up to congratulate him, and John got pushed further and further away from him. He didn’t even try to push his way through the crowd like last time. What was the point, when it’d be awkward talking to Alex in front of all those people anyway?

John drifted away, walking around the house with no clear direction. He wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He definitely didn’t want to drink anymore, and he didn’t feel like dancing or playing any games. This crushing sense of loneliness hit him all once suddenly, even though he was surrounded by people, honestly too many people. But he felt like he was underwater, and everyone was swimming around him.

John ended up outside, leaning against the railing of the deck. There weren’t as many people out here, mostly couples quietly talking or people brushing past to head down to the pool. He rested his head on his arms and took deep, slow breaths. The nausea had set in and he considered going home. The idea of laying down on his soft bed sounded sweeter than anything he could think of at the moment. 

Then a hot hand pressed against his back, right between his shoulder blades. “Are you okay?” 

John looked up, right into dark, brilliant eyes. 

***

Alex loved partying. The drinking, the dancing, the chaos, all of it was intoxicating to him. And there was no better rush than desiring someone and being desired, a game of cat and mouse that he always won. After all, he was good at getting what he wanted. All that stuff still applied to this party, it was just…half of his brain decided to devote itself to knowing where John was at all times. 

It was very distracting. The sound of his voice or a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye was enough to steal all of Alex’s attention. He cut himself off mid-sentence in a conversation every time he mistook someone for John and whipped around to look at them. 

“Am I boring you?” One girl he was talking to asked, annoyed. 

“No, no, of course not. I, um…” Alex racked his brain, but he could not for the life of him remember what they were talking about. “Uh, what were you saying?”

The girl stormed off, and Alex sighed. He was pretty sure she’d been flirting with him too, but he wasn’t feeling it. He wasn’t feeling it from anyone, which was new for him. The only thing Alex was concerned about was finding John and making sure he was doing okay. 

The night hadn’t gone at all like he expected. He thought John would stick by his side the whole night and they’d get up to some shit together. He’d show John how cool he was and John would be smitten with him and confess his feelings on the spot (okay, maybe that was wishful thinking). Instead, he’d been separated from his friends early on, dragged off by people who wanted to show him something cool or find out what he thought about this and that. Every time he wanted to get back to John, someone else wanted a piece of him. The attention, which had always flattered him, now felt like a heavy weight chaining him down. 

Then as soon as he was able to get away for long enough, he passed by the living room and did a double take. He saw John lying with his head on Kitty Livingston’s lap. Alex focused on her hands, which stroked through John’s hair back and forth. He was caught between two emotions: appreciation of the image of two of the most beautiful people he’d ever known, Kitty (who he’d hooked up with a couple of times but never quite dated) and John, wrapped up in a semi embrace, and pure jealousy at the sight of someone else touching John so familiarly. _He doesn’t even like girls,_ a stupid, drunk voice rang out in his head. 

Alex was caught between wanting to storm up to them and wanting to continue staring at them, and in his confusion he ended up storming away. Then he realized how stupid he was being and he decided to go back, when someone knocked into him. 

“Watch where you’re going.” Alex said.

“You bumped into me.” 

Alex stiffened. Unfortunately, he knew that voice. 

He turned around, and there was Thomas Jefferson standing in front of him. He saw the recognition flash in Jefferson’s eyes too, then gleam with something unpleasant. 

“Hamilton. I knew I smelled something foul when I walked in.” he said. “I should’ve known it was your sorry Caribbean ass.” 

Alex gave him a fake smile. “Jefferson! How was France? Is kissing ass there the same as New York, or do theirs smell better?” 

“I saw you on TV. Thank god Washington bought his pet some shiny new outfits!” Jefferson smirked. “Too bad my dog speaks more eloquently than you, and he has a better wardrobe to match.” 

Alex got up in his face. “I can remind how well I can speak, in case all that bootlicking in Monticello messed with your memory.” 

Jefferson met his angry gaze head on. “Let’s go.” 

That was how he found himself outside, getting ready to freestyle against Jefferson. Alex thought it was fate when he saw John in the crowd, beaming at him with an encouraging smile on his face. Knowing that John was watching, nothing could stop him. He wanted to rush over to him as soon as he dropped his last line, but people swarmed over to congratulate him. By the time the crowd dispersed, John disappeared from view.

This time, Alex didn’t give up. He searched high and low for John until he finally found him out on the deck, head resting against the railing. 

Alex came up behind him and put a hand on his back. He ignored the feeling of lightning shooting up his arm, just from daring to touch John. “Are you okay?” 

John raised his head to look at him, and damn. Alex would never get used to the way his stomach swooped every time he looked at John. He swore one day he’d sit John down and count each and every one of his freckles. 

“I’m okay, I’m just…” John looked back down at his hands. “It’s been a long night.” 

“What’s wrong?” Alex asked. 

John was silent for a moment, then spoke up. “I don’t know. You know that feeling when you’re in the middle of a group of people and for no reason at all, you feel so alone?” 

Alex nodded. “Yeah. Like you’re in a snow globe and everything is happening outside of you. You wanna join in but you don’t wanna join in, and you’re on the outside looking in either way.”

A wave of relief crashed through John. Of course Alex would get it without him having to say much at all. “Yeah. For me, it’s like being underwater. It just hit me all of a sudden.” 

Alex moved his hand to John’s shoulder, hoping to comfort him. “Nothing better than a drunk, existential crisis.” 

John chuckled at Alex’s lame joke and leaned into his touch, to Alex’s delight. 

“But it helps if someone’s in the bubble with you.” Alex leaned forward on the railing next to John and nudged him. “I’m here.” 

“You’re here?” John raised eyebrows. “Where have you been?” 

John blushed at his own bold words. He wasn’t prepared for the way the alcohol loosened his tongue and let him say the things he’d usually keep in his head. 

Alex shrugged, locking eyes with him. “Looking for you.”

John threw his head back and laughed. “You always know what to say, huh?” 

Alex grinned. “My mouth is the only good thing about me.” 

John’s eyes flicked down to his lips. “I’ll say.” 

_Wait, is this flirting? Are we flirting?_ John thought belatedly. He ripped his gaze away from Alex and looked back out at the backyard, hoping his face wouldn’t give him away. 

Alex was still looking at John, a dazed expression on his face. If John had looked at him like that any longer, he wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from leaning forward and showing John exactly how good his mouth was. 

For the first time ever, Alex wanted to leave a party early. He was used to staying at a place so long he ended up crashing on the floor, or having Lafayette and Herc drag him out. But now, his patience had run out. He wanted to go somewhere else with John, where they could hear each other’s voices clearly and be alone together.

“Jay’s useless. He managed to get all this booze, but can’t spring for a couple of boxes of pizza?” Alex complained, rubbing his stomach. “I’m starving.”

Now that Alex had mentioned it, John was also super hungry. “Me too.” 

Alex offered his hand. “Wanna ditch and get McDonalds?” 

John wasn’t sure it was a good idea to go somewhere alone with Alex, not when he was drunk and barely able to control himself. But even sober, there was no part of him that could resist taking Alexander’s hand if he reached out to him. 

John accepted his hand, and marveled at the way their hands fit. _They_ fit. 

“I needed some McNuggets in me, like, 30 minutes ago.” 

***

John and Alex fell into booth seats, laughing at nothing. It was 3:00am by that point. Since Alex was less drunk between the two of them, he went to order the food. 

“McNuggets,” John said simply, slamming down on the table. “Get me lots of McNuggets.”

Alex got them both 20 piece McNuggets, a couple of large fries, and a large Coke for him and a large Sweet Tea for John, since he remembered John talking about how sweet tea was the one thing he missed about South Carolina. 

He brought the food back to John and spread it all out on a tray. Him and John argued over which sauce was the best to eat the nuggets with. 

“How can you think of using anything other than Sweet and Sour sauce?” John said, scandalized. 

“Sweet and Sour sauce is fine, Spicy Honey Mustard is better.” Alex replied calmly, opening a honey mustard container and dipping a nugget in. 

John recoiled as if he had been shot. “That’s disgusting.” 

“You haven’t even tried it!” 

“I don’t need to! It don’t even look right.” Seriously, the yellow of the honey mustard was making John a little nauseous. 

“Come on, try one nugget.” Alex dangled a nugget coated in honey mustard in front of his face. “Then you can talk all the shit you want.” 

John glared at him for a moment, considering. Then he leaned over and took a bite, holding onto Alex’s hand to keep it steady. Alex wondered for a second if John knew how much he was driving him crazy, because he had Alex’s heart rate going through the roof. 

“Actually, it’s not bad.” John said, chewing. 

Alex smiled smugly. “I know.” 

John rolled his eyes. “Let me get a bit of that.” 

They ate together in companionable silence, John reaching across to dip his nuggets in the Spicy Honey Mustard and Alex reaching across to dip his in the Sweet and Sour sauce. Then John leaned back in his seat, eyes closed and craning his head back. 

Alex peered at him. “You okay?” 

John nodded, but his head remained facing the ceiling. “Don’t get me wrong, I had a pretty great time tonight, but being wasted’s a bitch. I’m scared if I don’t focus all my energy, I’ll float away.” 

Something warm wrapped itself around John’s hands. He opened his eyes to see Alex’s rough hands holding his own, caressing his knuckles. 

“Don’t worry, John.” His thumbs moved up, rubbing familiar circles into John’s skin. “I won’t let you float away. I’ll hold you down.” 

And Alex was right. John already felt grounded in his hands, like there were invisible threads tethering him to the earth. He smiled so wide his face hurt, and gripped Alex’s hands tighter. 

“Me too. It goes both ways.” John said earnestly. “I’ll keep you safe, Alex.” 

Alex gave him something he could only describe as a look of pure adoration. John was sure he had the same look on his face. He didn’t know long they stared at each other, blissful expressions on both their faces, when Alex’s phone rang. 

“Oh, it’s Laf.” It didn’t escape John’s notice that Alex only used one hand to answer his phone, the other still holding John’s hand. “Hello?” 

“Where are you?” The loud noises in the background told Alex that he was still at the party. “Everyone’s saying you left already. Please tell me you left with our dear Laurens.” 

Alex grinned. “I did leave with John.” 

Lafayette whooped. “You scoundrel!” 

“Oh my god, not like that!” Alex said, and John wondered what Lafayette was saying. “We went to McDonalds.” 

“You got food and you didn’t invite _moi?”_ Lafayette said, fake hurt. “What happened to bros before hoes?” 

Alex rolled his eyes. “Just get your ass over here. We’re still there. Is Herc with you?” 

“Oh, yes, he’s with me.” he said in a suggestive tone, and Alex filed that away for later, when he was sober enough to ask questions. 

Lafayette told him they were grabbing an Uber and would be there in five minutes, then hung up the phone. 

John pulled away to rest his head on the table, and Alex mourned at the loss of contact. 

“Alex, I’ll follow you anywhere.” John mumbled. “But don’t expect me to do this every week. I was ready to go to bed at 10.” 

Alex burst out laughing at that. “I’ll try to get you back before bedtime next time, I promise.” 

The door to the McDonalds slammed open. “Alexander Hamilton!” Lafayette’s voice boomed throughout the restaurant. 

“Lafayette!” John and Alex shouted back. 

Lafayette and Hercules piled into the booth. Lafayette looked like a fairy with glitter all over his face, glitter that wasn’t there when the night began. Suspiciously enough, Hercules also had some glitter all around his mouth. 

Alex gestured around his face. “What’s all that about?” 

Lafayette shrugged and popped a McNugget in his mouth. “The party got a little crazy after you left.” 

Hercules shuddered. “We walked in on Madison sucking Jefferson’s dick.” 

John and Alex both jumped at that. “What?!” 

Sitting there talking with his friends, laughing and making fun of each other,

(“Hercules, what are you doing?” John said as he watched Herc squirt a packet of ketchup onto the tray.

Herc looked up. “What does it look like? You can’t eat chicken nuggets without ketchup.”

All three boys gave him matching disgusted looks. “You eat your McNuggets with ketchup? That’s foul, man.” John said.

Alex shook his head. “There are so many options and you chose ketchup?” 

“Wow. I wish I had known this before…” Lafayette trailed off. 

“Before…?” Alex questioned with an innocent look on his face. 

Lafayette winked at him. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”)

John was filled with a joy that almost made him emotional. He was alive and well, he had a group of good friends who accepted him for who he was, and he was _happy._ He felt so lucky to be here with Alex, Lafayette, and Hercules right now. 

“Y’all are so stupid,” was what he ended up saying instead. 

But as if they could hear his thoughts, they all grinned back at him brightly. _  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a monster chapter to edit jesus christ
> 
> The party didn't even exist at first, but then I saw [this post](https://whitepeopletwitter.tumblr.com/post/625440298583179264) and it was so Alex and John that I had to rewrite my whole outline just to fit it in. It was worth it though, I think. 
> 
> If you're wondering what Laf and Herc were up to so am I, I am very conflicted about what I want to do with them hmmmm
> 
> Thank you thank you for your comments I could cry! I'll see you next week, maybe a little longer. This chapter was so long it really took it out of me to write so I might take a break for a couple of days (I say that but then I get so excited thinking of what's coming next that I end up writing through the night anyway lol). Bye bye for now <333!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Maybe I could write him an essay detailing everything I like about him? It’d be a damn good essay too.” 
> 
> “Oui, nothing says romance like a written report.”

“You’re not listening to me!” Lafayette exclaimed as the waitress began putting their food on the table. “It would be a symbol of our undying friendship. Something we can take with us no matter how far apart we are! But perhaps you all don’t believe in the strength of our bond like I do.” 

“Laf, enough.” Alex stopped him. “We’re not getting group tattoos.” 

“Why not?” Lafayette whined. “It would be a really cool design! We could get it on our shoulder, it wouldn’t even hurt that bad!” 

“It took us 30 minutes to decide where we were gonna eat.” Hercules said. “How the fuck are we ever gonna agree on a tattoo?” 

“It’s not my fault all you ever want to eat is burgers.” Lafayette sent a pointed look at Alex and John, who both ordered burgers. 

“Sorry I don’t feel like putting on a suit to enjoy _cuisine française,”_ Alex replied, playing up a French accent. 

Lafayette turned to John. “Laurens, my only hope, my oasis. You’re on my side, right? You could even be the one to draw the design! I know it would be beautiful, whatever you come up with.” 

“Sorry, _mon ami.”_ John patted his hand. “If you want a tramp stamp, you’re gonna have to get it on your own.” 

Hercules and Alex roared with laughter, while Lafayette pouted. “I hate you all.” 

John lifted the bun off his burger and took out the pickles. He put them on Alex’s plate without saying a word, and Alex put one in his mouth immediately. The casual intimacy of that interaction made John smile a little. 

“I’ll draw something on your shoulder later, if you want.” John offered. 

“It’s too late, I’ve already—” Lafayette froze, cutting himself off mid-sentence. Then his entire body lit up, and he stood up out of his seat. 

“The Schuyler sisters!” he sang.

“Lafayette!” Three pleasant voices called back. 

John turned around to follow Lafayette’s gaze and saw three of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen in his life. The girls rushed over to their table, matching bright smiles on their faces. 

The three boys jumped up to hug the girls, while John remained in his seat, feeling a little awkward. 

“How long have you been back?” Lafayette asked the tallest girl. 

“A couple of days,” she answered. “I’m so happy to be back! There’s nothing like New York in the summer.” 

The youngest girl turned from where she was hugging Herc. “I don’t know, I liked London better.” 

Herc clutched his heart. “You didn’t miss me, Peggy?” 

The girl, Peggy, elbowed Herc lightly. “Come on, Herc, you know I came back just for you.” 

John’s eyes trailed over to Alex and the remaining girl, who had a kind face. He noticed how their arms remained wrapped around each other, even though the other two girls had already stepped out of their hugs. They were talking quietly to themselves, and whatever Alex was saying brought a shy smile to the girl’s face. It made his heart sink, just a little. 

“Who is this?” The tallest girl’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. 

“Where are our manners?” Lafayette moved over to pull John out of his seat. “Ladies, this is John. He’s staying here for the summer and we’ve taken him under our wing. John, this is—” 

“We’re not puppets, Laf, we can introduce ourselves.” The tallest girl turned to him and offered her hand. “Angelica.” 

The kind-faced girl finally detached from Alex and went over to loop her arm around Angelica’s. “Eliza.” 

The youngest girl burst in between the two of them to wrap her arms around both girls. “And Peggy!” 

“The Schuyler sisters!” everyone sang and laughed together, some inside joke that John didn’t get, but he laughed along like he did. 

“John, have we met before?” Angelica asked as the boys made their way back to their seats. “You seem so familiar.”

John shook his head. “No, I don’t think so.” 

“Don’t mind Angelica. She’s the biggest gossip in New York City.” Alex said, right in his ear. “She has to know everything about everybody.” 

Angelica flicked his ear. “Um, I would appreciate it if you didn’t try to make me look bad in front of your new friend?” 

She looked at John even more intensely. “No, seriously, I know you. Who’s your family?” 

John looked away. Up until this point, no one had really asked about his family name. He was just John to his friends and to the people they partied with. He hadn’t done it that way on purpose, but he was glad he hadn’t mentioned his family early on. He was scared of the reaction he’d get if he said he was a Laurens. 

“Angelica,” Eliza interrupted. “Is this really necessary? Not everyone is from a well-known family.” 

“Yes, we are not picky.” Lafayette piped in. 

John hoped that would be enough for Angelica to move on, but she was like a dog with a bone. “You know I don’t care about that. I’m just curious, that’s all. So? Where’s your family from?” 

John got the sense that she wouldn’t let him stall any longer, so he just came out with it. “South Carolina. My name is Laurens. John Laurens.” 

The air in the room stilled. “Laurens? As in related to Henry Laurens?” 

John nodded grimly. “He’s my father.” 

Angelica’s face went flat, and her words were pure acid. “Well. Do you also think the government has the right to tell me what I can or can’t do with my body or is that just your bastard of a father?” 

John flinched. Eliza turned on a dime to grab her sister’s arm. “Angelica!” 

“What? I have to ask.” She gave John a look like he was the dirt underneath her shoe. “In my experience, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” 

Bile rose in John’s throat. He opened his mouth to defend himself, but Alexander stepped in first. 

“Don’t speak to him like that.” he said sharply. Alex’s voice was ice cold, nothing like John had ever heard before. “You need to chill out, Angelica. John’s not his father.” 

Instead of cooling her down, it only got Angelica more fired up. “What the hell happened while we were away? Y’all got so bored you started befriending bigots?” 

“You don’t know a thing about me.” John glared at her head on. “You have no idea who I am or what I believe in. And maybe if you talked to me like a person, you’d find out.” 

Angelica had a glare that could make the devil weep, but John didn’t back down for one second. He could let go of a lot of things, but he wasn’t about to let someone attack his character for no good reason. Everyone was tensing up around them, but he kept his eyes on Angelica. 

Then Angelica relaxed. The fiery look in her eyes was gone. “Fine, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. I guess if you were really like your father, you’d be hanging with Thomas and his cronies instead of this sorry bunch.” 

The group unclenched, relieved that the tense atmosphere had started to dissipate. 

“Make some space for us. We’ll grab some chairs and we’ll be right back.” Angelica took her sisters by the arms and dragged them along to find an empty table to steal chairs from. 

“Angelica is a force to be reckoned with, huh?” Lafayette said. “Forgive her, John. She can be too intense for her own good sometimes.” 

“She crossed the line.” Alex stayed rigid next to him. “She doesn’t even know John, how could she speak to him like that?” 

John was a little flattered by Alexander's righteous anger. He almost looked like a guard dog with the heated expression on his face, and it made John warm inside that Alex was angry over him. 

“It’s okay, Alex.” John dared to brush his hand over Alex’s thigh. “My dad brings out the worst in people. I’m used to it.” 

“Still—” 

The girls came back before Alex could finish his sentence. Angelica squeezed her chair in next to Lafayette, then Peggy sat at the head of the table, and Eliza scooched in close to Alex. 

“John, my sister has something she’d like to say to you.” Eliza began, kicking Angelica under the table. 

Angelica sighed. “I was out of line, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have judged you for someone else’s actions. Please forgive me.” 

John actually laughed a little. She sounded like a kid who’d been caught with their hand in the cookie jar. “Hey, no hard feelings.” 

“In my defense, I just got done listening to a radio interview your father did on C-SPAN.” Angelica explained. “It put me in a bad mood.” 

He nodded. “Yeah, my father’s good at that.” 

His response earned him a small smile, and maybe there was hope for him and Angelica. 

Peggy clapped her hands. “Okay, enough beefing. Who wants to hear about our trip?” 

The girls launched into stories about their adventures in London. John gradually started to warm up to them, their energy too delightful to hold a grudge against. He liked how each girl had their own distinct personality. Angelica was fierce and blunt, Eliza was sweet and thoughtful, and Peggy was hilarious and enthusiastic. The three of them together made even a boring story seem like a lot of fun. Though, John had a hard time concentrating on the words coming out of their mouths. Alex’s foot kept brushing against his, and he wasn’t sure if it was on purpose or not. Either way, it was very distracting. 

“Dad made us go to so many dinner parties. It was miserable, the guys were so lame.” Angelica complained. “One guy literally said Buckingham Palace had nothing on my beauty. I almost spit my drink in his face.”

“That line can work if you have a certain _je ne sais quoi,”_ Lafayette argued. 

“Only Alex could pull that off, _maybe.”_ Peggy said. 

“Aw, thanks, Peggy.” Alex said. 

Peggy shook her head. “That’s not a compliment. I’ve seen you get girls saying lamer things.” 

“It was so overwhelming,” Eliza sighed. “They wouldn’t leave us alone. I thought about hiding in the bathroom for the rest of the night just to get some air!” 

“Can you blame them?” Alex said. “There are no girls in London or anywhere who can compare to you guys.” 

The girls tried to act unaffected, but inside they preened at the compliment. “You’re no better than those guys, Alexander.” Eliza said, smiling. 

“Yeah, talking to them gave me war flashbacks to the Winter Ball.” Angelica said. 

“The Winter’s Ball!” The group chorused, except John. He had no idea what that was. 

“Don’t remind me, my head still hurts from that killer hangover I had last year.” Hercules groaned.

Lafayette had a dazed look in his eyes. “Some of my best memories are at the Winter’s Ball.” 

“Yeah, I bet.” Peggy said. 

“The Winter’s Ball?” John bit the bullet and asked. 

“It’s the annual dance our school held with our sister school.” Alex explained. “It was always a mess. Since our school is all boys, most of the guys lost their damn minds once they saw a girl.” 

“We met the Schuyler sisters at the Ball sophomore year.” Lafayette recounted. “That was a fun year.”

“You saved me from that creepy guy, remember?” Eliza smiled at Alex, which Alex returned. The exchange made the burger taste like ash in John’s mouth. 

“Yeah, Seabury, I remember.” Alex said. “I didn’t need an excuse to take down that asshole. But saving you was an amazing bonus.” 

The way Eliza was looking at Alex, John recognized it. He had the same look on his face whenever he talked to Alex. 

Angelica smirked at Alex. “What was that cheesy ass line you said to her?” 

Alex grabbed Eliza’s hand, gazed into her eyes, and said, “If it takes fighting off an asshole for us to meet, it will have been worth it.” 

Everyone laughed around them, except Eliza and John. Eliza’s cheeks were pink, and the tiny smile on her face made her look so beautiful. She was looking at Alex, Alex was looking at her, and John thought he was gonna be sick. 

“I’m not feeling well,” The words flew out of John’s mouth. He flushed as the conversation went dead around him. 

Alex pulled his hand out of Eliza’s grasp to put it on John’s shoulder. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine.” John shrugged Alex’s hand off. “It must’ve been something I ate at breakfast. I think I’m gonna head home and sleep it off.”

John stood up before anyone could stop him, putting some money down for his food. All he wanted to do was get as far away from the restaurant as soon as possible. 

Alex prepared to get up. “Someone should go with you, make sure you get home okay.” 

“That’s okay.” John hated how short he was being with Alex, but he couldn’t stop himself. He wanted to be alone. 

John turned to the sisters. “It was nice meeting you guys.” 

Angelica gave him a nod of approval. “You’re not so bad, John Laurens.” 

“Let’s all hang sometime!” Peggy said. 

“I hope you feel better.” Eliza said. The genuine concern on her face made it impossible for him to dislike her. “Take some medicine when you get home.” 

“Text us to let us know you got home safe, alright?” Herc said. 

“I will.” he assured him, then left out the door. 

John walked down the busy streets of New York alone for the first time since he arrived. He was being stupid and immature, but his mind kept going back to Alex’s hand on Eliza, the way he looked at her like she was perfect. He really was going to be sick if he had to stay there and watch them flirt any longer. 

John felt so stupid in general, for thinking that maybe something was happening being Alex and him. Ever since the party, things were different between the two of them. There were a lot more lingering touches and prolonged eye contact, and Alex always tried to sit next to him no matter where they were. They had gotten breakfast in the morning a couple more times, and more often than not stayed in their seats talking long after they had already finished their food. John had let himself believe that maybe, maybe Alex felt just as drawn to him as he was to Alex. 

Obviously, he was wrong. After all, who would choose John when they had the attention of a girl like Eliza Schuyler? Alex was being friendly, because they were good friends, and John got the wrong idea. He wouldn’t make the same mistake again. But for today, he allowed himself to wallow in his disappointment. 

Alex lasted five minutes before he said, “I’m going after John.”

Everyone turned to look at him with matching looks of confusion and surprise. 

“What? Why?” Angelica said, baffled. 

“I need to make sure he’s okay,” Alex insisted. “He looked really sick.” 

Angelica scrunched her eyebrows. “He said his stomach hurts, he’s not dying. I think he’ll be fine.” 

Alex was already standing. “He’s not from around here. He shouldn’t be walking around the city alone if he’s not feeling well.” 

Lafayette was giving him a Look™ but Alex ignored him. Nothing was going to stop him from catching up with John. 

“Alex is right. It’s not safe for John to be walking around by himself if he’s feeling that bad.” Eliza jumped in, coming to his defense as always. “Do you want me—us to come with you?” 

He shook his head and put some money down for his food. “That’s okay. Finish your food, I’ll catch up with you guys later.”

He kissed Eliza on the top of her head, a reflex he barely registered, and waved to the girls. “I’m so happy you guys are back. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” 

Then he rushed out the door, to John. 

He didn’t want to bail on his friends, especially since it had been so long since he’d seen the sisters and since he and Eliza talked normally, like friends. He wanted to stay and test the waters to see if things were finally okay between them, but what could he do? His heart walked right out the door with John, so he had to follow after him. 

He hustled down the sidewalk, staring at each person that walked by. Then he saw a familiar curly haired silhouette up ahead. He rushed forward and grabbed John by the arm. 

“John!”

John flung his arm backwards in surprise, then recognized who it was. “Alex? What are you doing here?” 

Alex smiled and did a tiny bow. “Alexander Hamilton, at your service.”

A small smile flashed across John’s face before settling back into a frown. “Seriously, what are you doing here?” 

Alex was caught off guard by John’s cold attitude. Did he do something to make him mad? “I wanted to make sure you got home okay. You shouldn’t be by yourself if you’re feeling sick.” 

John looked at the ground. “What about the girls? You shouldn’t leave them hanging.” 

Alex was very confused by that response. “I can see them any time. You’re sick right now, and New York is dangerous. I couldn’t let you go without making sure you were okay.” 

John softened, a little. He started walking down the sidewalk and Alex walked by his side. He filled the silence with mindless chatter, throwing anything at the wall to get John to smile at him like he usually does. The radio silence was throwing Alex off balance. It was always easy being around John, so the strained mood between them was putting him on edge.

They walked past a CVS and Alex stopped abruptly in front of it. “Hold on, wait here.”

“What? I thought you were protecting me from big bad New York City.” John said wryly. 

“Just wait here!” Alex dashed inside the store. 

Once John was alone, he let himself relax. There was a part of him that did want to be alone, but a bigger part of him wanted to smile and laugh and do a little dance because Alex came after him. Alex had three pretty girls jockeying for his attention, had a girl like Eliza looking at him like he hung the moon, and he left her, all of them, to come after John anyway. It didn’t mean anything, of course it didn’t, but John was still allowed to be happy about it, wasn’t he? 

Alex emerged from CVS as quickly as he went in, holding a small baggie. “Alright, let’s go.” 

“What’d you get?” John grabbed the bag, and when he saw what inside his heart melted. 

Inside were several types of medicine, Tylenol and Advil and Robitussin and every medicine in between. Seriously, there was a mini pharmacy within this tiny bag. 

“I didn’t know what your aunt had,” Alex explained, a little flustered. “So I got…” 

“Everything?” John finished for him. 

Alex flushed a bright red, and it chipped away at the last bit of ice around John’s heart. “I wanted to make sure you were covered! Since you don’t know what’s wrong with you.”

“I told you, my stomach hurts! It’s not the flu or anything.” John cracked a smile. “I just need to take a monster shit and I’ll be fine.”

A laugh sputtered out of Alex’s body. “Ew, John, I didn’t need to know all that!”

John laughed with him. Maybe he should be embarrassed to talk like that in front of Alex, but that’s what he liked about liking Alex the most. They were best friends first. 

“You got some laxatives in this little medicine aisle? I wanna get it all out at once.” 

“Ugh, gross! I’m gonna let you get mugged by the rats if you don’t stop.” 

“Don’t be ashamed of the body, Alex, it’s a beautiful thing.” 

The trip to John’s place went a lot faster, now that things were normal between the two of them again. Alex found himself unwilling to leave, and drew out the conversation on the steps of John’s aunt’s apartment for as long as he could. 

He took a chance and asked, “Is your family inside?” 

John shook his head. “My aunt took the kids out to see a play and Martha is hanging out with some friends.” 

Alex brightened. “Can I come in then?” 

John blushed. He never imagined that Alex would ever set foot inside his aunt’s place. His room was definitely dirty and he cursed himself for being such a messy person. And it was a risk bringing Alex inside when he wasn’t sure when his aunt and siblings would get back. But Alex looked so hopeful, and he couldn’t say no. 

“Okay, but only for a little bit.” John relented, and opened the door. 

They went straight to John’s room, and Alex marveled at how much the room embodied John even though it was only a guest room. There were books spread out on the bed, several glasses of water filled at different levels on his bedside table, and clothes haphazardly thrown on the ground. The floor was also littered with crumpled pieces of sketchbook paper and worn down pencils. 

“I would’ve cleaned up if I’d known you were coming,” John said, kicking some clothes under the bed. 

“You’re fine, my room looks much worse.” Alex dug through the CVS bag until he found a box of Nyquil. “Here, take these. I’ll leave after you fall asleep.” 

John took the box from him. “Man, I told you I’m not sick!” 

But Alex wouldn’t budge, so John rolled his eyes and took the pills with one of the random glasses already in his room (“You don’t need another fresh glass of water.” Alex said sternly. “Finish one of these.”). 

“I’m not really much of a talker once I get sleepy,” John warned him, getting under the bed covers. 

“That’s okay, we don’t need to talk.” Alex replied. “I can read one of your books. What’s this one—oh.” 

John lifted his head to see which book Alex had picked up, and blushed when he saw it was _To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before._

“My sister lent that to me!” John quickly explained. “She’s been trying to get me into romance novels.” 

“Uh huh, I believe you.” 

John covered his face with the blanket. “Shut up! It’s actually really good.” 

Alex flipped through the pages. “Really?” 

“Yeah. Peter Kavinsky’s my type.” 

“I’ll read closely then,” Alex murmured. 

“What?” John said, and Alex realized he had spoken out loud.

“I’ll read closely then. I wanna see if he’s my type too.” he recovered. 

John mumbled, "Everyone's your type." And they let the topic go. 

John got more drowsy, and soon he stopped talking, though he wasn’t completely asleep yet. Alex read the book, charmed by the characters and the writing style. Lara Jean, the main character, was definitely more of his type. She was sweet and innocent and a little bit clumsy, just like John. 

“Alex,” John said. 

“Yes?” 

“Thanks for coming after me. And for staying with me now.” John’s eyes fluttered. “It made me really happy.” 

Alex tried not to find it so adorable the way John’s face peeked out of the top of his covers, but it was a losing battle as most things with John were.

“You don’t have to thank me. I did because I wanted to.” _Because I wanted to be with you._ But he didn’t say that out loud. 

John didn’t respond, and soon Alex could hear the sound of soft snores coming from John’s bed. He got up and walked over to the bed, gazing at the peaceful expression on John’s face. Alex brushed the hair back from his forehead tenderly, and pulled the covers up to fit around John more securely. He allowed himself one more look at John’s sleeping face, then left the room quietly, letting the door shut behind him with a quiet click. 

***

_“Mama, ooo! Didn’t mean to make you cry! If I’m not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on!”_ The boys sang. Lafayette banged on a tambourine like his life depended on it, while Alex, John, and Hercules sang at the top of their lungs, arms wrapped around each other. 

John felt better after his nap, so the group met up for some late night karaoke. Lafayette nipped a bottle of liquor from his parents’ collection, so they were all a little tipsy. John had never had so much fun in his life, rocking out to Bohemian Rhapsody with his friends. By the end of the song, Lafayette was jumping up and down on one of the couches, then flopped over to drape his whole body over them as the last notes of the song ended filtered out. 

“Who wants to sing next, _mes amis?”_ Lafayette said as he rolled his over on his back. 

“Let us catch our breaths first,” Alex said, draining the last drops from the liquor bottle. 

“I’ll go next in a second, Laf.” The alcohol was making John a little giggly. 

Lafayette hummed in agreement and scrolled through his phone. “Should we invite our girls? Peggy saw my Snap Story and asked what we’re up to.” 

John’s stomach sank a little. He liked the Schuyler sisters, he really did, but he wasn’t looking forward to watching Alex and Eliza sing a beautiful song together, staring into each other’s eyes the whole time. 

So he was thankful when Alex said, “Nah, it’s already late. We can go with them next time.” 

“Yeah, let’s have a guys’ night!” Herc slurred. 

Lafayette jumped up and shot a text back to Peggy. “Alright, next time. It was nice seeing them again.” 

“Yeah, I missed them.” Alex agreed. “No one argues with me like Angelica does.” 

“I was worried they were still mad over you and Eliza breaking up, but I think you are finally forgiven.” Lafayette said, a little absentmindedly. 

Both Alex and John’s heads snapped up. 

“Laf!” Alex said. 

Lafayette looked up from his phone. “Oops.” 

John turned to Alex. “Broke up? You and Eliza dated?” He didn’t mean to sound so accusatory, but the shock made it hard for him to hold himself back. 

“Yeah, we did. But we’ve been broken up for a while now! We’re just friends now.” Alex felt frantic, like a husband covering up an affair. 

John nodded to himself, trying to reign his face back into a neutral expression. “That makes a lot of sense. You two make a cute couple.”

The indifference in John’s words stung Alex. “Yeah.” he said weakly. 

John took a big gulp of his Coke, then stood up. “I’m gonna use the bathroom, then I’m singing next. Set up the machine for me, Laf.” 

He slipped out the door, and Alex watched him go with a despairing look on this face. Then he turned and glared at Lafayette.

“Are there any more of my exes you feel like talking about?” Alex snapped. “Or should we wait for John to get back?”

“I didn’t know you and Eliza dating was a big secret, sorry.” Lafayette scoffed.

“I don’t want John getting the wrong idea and thinking there’s still something going on between me and Eliza!” Alex shot back. 

“I wouldn’t worry about that, _mon ami.”_ Lafayette snickered. “Anyone who saw you follow him out of the restaurant like a dog on a leash would let go of that idea very fast.” 

Hercules barked out a laugh at that comment and Alex turned his glare on him. 

“What? You’re not the one who had to look Angelica in the eye and say with a straight face, ‘they’re just _really_ good friends’.” Herc shook his head. “You’re so whipped, man.” 

Alex slumped against the couch. He didn’t even try to deny it, because he was. If John said jump, he’d say how high and can I grab you anything while I’m up? Ever since the party, Alex had fallen headfirst into his feelings for John. He stopped pretending that John wasn’t the person he wanted to spend all day, every day with. He had Alex wrapped around his beautiful finger, and he didn’t even realize it. 

Lafayette laid down on one of the other couches. “If you really don’t want John to get the wrong idea, try not flirting with Eliza so heavily. _Mon dieu,_ I was about to kick you under the table.” 

Alex reeled back. “I was _not_ flirting with Eliza!” 

“Are you crazy?” Lafayette said incredulously. “John looked more ill watching you hold hands with her than anything he ate!” 

“That wasn’t—” But then Alex cut him off, thinking about it. 

Eliza and him were always affectionate with each other, even before they started dating. It was so normal for him to kiss the top of her head or grab her hands, he barely even noticed anymore. But from an outside perspective, he could see how it looked like they were flirting. Is that what John thought? Was that why he was so distant when they were walking back to his place? Now Alex was super depressed. 

“Don’t worry,” Lafayette winked at him. “I have a plan to get you back on John’s good side.” 

Alex looked at the mischievous smile on Lafayette’s face and groaned. 

Meanwhile, John was in the bathroom, getting the wrong idea. 

He splashed himself with water, trying to sober up. Of course Eliza and Alex dated, he shouldn’t be so surprised. They would be perfect together. Her calm nature would steady Alex’s fits of passion, and Alex’s unpredictable nature would bring her out of her shell. John imagined the two of them holding hands, kissing. The images were a knife to the chest, but he had to admit it was a pretty picture. Alex had probably been waiting for Eliza to come back from London, so they could pick up where they left off. 

John wiped his face with a paper towel. So what if Alex and Eliza got back together? It was none of John’s business. They were just friends. That was his mantra as he walked back to the room. _They were just friends._

When John walked in, the conversation cut off immediately. Lafayette had a shit-eating grin on his face and Alex looked ready to bolt from the room. Something had definitely happened while he was in the bathroom.

“Alright, I’m ready.” John said, ignoring the weird mood in the air. He went for the mini stage where the karaoke machine was, only to be stopped by Lafayette. 

“Actually, _mon ami,_ why don’t we let Alex go? He hasn’t sung by himself yet.” Lafayette leered at Alex. 

John looked between Lafayette and Alex in confusion. “Okay?”

Alex stood up and grabbed the microphone from the top of the machine. “What song should I sing, guys?”

Lafayette leapt forward and grabbed the Ipad that controlled the song selection. “I’ll choose the song. It’ll be a fun surprise.” 

John settled on the couch next to Herc, silently asking him with his eyes what the hell was going on. Hercules shrugged his shoulders and wouldn’t meet his gaze. Lafayette picked a song and sat down next to John, vibrating with excitement. 

The lyrics came on the screen first before the music started, and Alex blanched. “Lafayette, I’m not singing this.” 

The wide smile didn’t leave Lafayette’s face. “Oh, yes, you are.” 

“Laf!” 

But then the first notes of the song came on, and Alexander groaned inwardly. 

_“Wise men say, only fools rush in.”_ he sang tentatively. 

John jolted with a start when he realized what song was playing. It was one of his favorite songs, “Can’t Help Falling In Love”. His mom loved the song too. She would play it on their stereo after dinner sometimes and her and his father would dance slowly in the living room. John would grab Martha’s tiny hand and they’d all dance together, spinning each other around. But to hear _Alex_ sing it? John wasn’t sure how he was going to survive this. 

_“Like a river flows surely to the sea. Darling, so it goes. Some things are meant to be.”_ He had never heard Alex’s voice like this. They had been singing high energy, upbeat songs before, and they had been singing them together so he barely heard Alex. But singing this slow song by himself, Alex’s voice was low and silky, and utterly enchanting. 

Their eyes met and darted away, then met and darted away again. Jesus, why did their eyes keep meeting? John’s face had to be firetruck red by now. Whenever their gazes met, it almost felt like Alex was singing to him… 

Then Alex looked at him, and he didn’t look away. _“Take my hand, take my whole life too. For I can’t help falling in love with you. For I can’t help falling in love with you.”_

John didn’t look away either. He swallowed, his heart pounding so loud he could barely hear himself think. The sound of clapping and cheering broke him out of his daze, and he realized he should be clapping too. 

“That was so beautiful, Alex!” Lafayette cheered. “It almost brought tears to my eyes.” 

Lafayette got up immediately, so Alex took his place next to John. John put his hands on his cheeks. He was so warm, he felt lightheaded. John didn’t notice, but Alex’s face was just as red as his. 

“Me next! I’m gonna sing “I Won’t Say I’m In Love” from Hercules,” Lafayette winked at Herc, who looked up in surprise and smiled. 

Alex and John were lost in their own heads. “Your voice is really nice.” John said, low enough for only Alex to hear. 

“Thank you. I’m glad you liked it.” Alex said, a little shy. 

“I loved it,” John replied, and Alex snuck a glance at him. 

John’s whole face was pink. It made his freckles stand out and his eyes brighter, and Alex desperately wished there was some way he could show John how deeply he felt for him without having to say it. If only it was as easy as singing a song. 

They both had a hard time falling asleep that night, consumed with thoughts of each other. 

***

John and Herc were playing Mario Kart, when Lafayette said, out of nowhere, “John, do you have feelings for Alex?” 

John’s car went sailing off the race track and into the water. Hercules whooped, easily sailing into first place. 

John tossed his controller. “No fair, that’s cheating!” 

Lafayette sighed and turned off the TV. “Forgot about the stupid game. Are you into Alex?” 

The question hit John like a bucket of cold water. “What? Where is this coming from? How did you guys even know I’m gay?” 

It took him a few seconds to realize he effectively just outed himself. 

Lafayette suppressed a smile. “We don’t know. Are you gay?” 

John looked between the two of them. Their faces were open and free of judgment. They were his best friends, and he felt as close to them as he did to Alex, even if it was in a different way. 

So he said in one breath, “Yeah, I’m gay.” It was no less daunting coming out the second time as it was the first time. 

Both boys took the news with a smile. Hercules nudged his shoulder. “Thanks for trusting us with that.” 

John returned the smile. “You guys are my bros. I trust you.” 

Lafayette clapped his hands. “Back to the question of the hour! So?” 

He buried his face in his hands. “Is it that obvious?” 

Lafayette and Herc shared a look. “No, not at all! I’ve just been wondering, since you two are so close.” Lafayette lied. 

“Yeah, I like Alex.” The words rushed out of his mouth. It was the first he admitted it out loud, even to himself. “I like him a lot. So much that it’s driving me crazy.” 

All of a sudden, John ripped his hands away from his face, panicked. “You can’t tell him! Please, that would ruin everything. Oh, god, does he already know?” 

Impulsively, John turned around to glance at the basement doors. Alex was at a luncheon with Washington and didn’t have time to hang with them today, but now John was paranoid that he was going to pop out from somewhere. 

Lafayette put an arm around John, bringing his attention back to them. “Calm down. No, he doesn’t know and of course, we won’t tell him. We would never betray you like that.” 

John let out a deep sigh of relief. “Thank god. I know he’s into Eliza, I don’t wanna make things weird between us.” 

Hercules snorted. “Believe me, there is nothing going on between Eliza and Alex.”

Lafayette nodded furiously. “Seriously. Absolutely nothing.” 

John wanted to believe them, but he was skeptical. “You sure?” 

Lafayette took John by the shoulders. “I believe you and Alex should talk to each other, but let me just say that I’ve never seen Alex act around anyone the way he acts around you.”

Hercules reached around to grab the TV remote. “If you’re asking me, I’d say shoot your shot.” 

John’s heart fluttered at the possibility that Alex might return his feelings. “I don’t know.” 

They left it at that and went back to playing video games and having a nice, relaxed night in. When John left, Lafayette turned to Herc and said, “Now are you ready to bet?” 

“How much?” Hercules asked. 

He looked at Hercules up and down and wrapped his arms around him. “Who said I wanted money?” 

“Yeah, yeah, how much?” Herc repeated. He knew Lafayette better than that.

***

“I think I’m gonna confess to John.” Alex said. He was on the phone with Lafayette, pacing back and forth in his room. 

“What did he do now?” Lafayette had become accustomed to Alex saying this every so often. 

Alex shook his head. “Nothing, nothing. He was just…John.” 

Really, nothing had happened. He had been texting John like he usually did and it hit him, what was he waiting for? Since when was he the type of guy who hesitated and stalled, especially on something this important? If John didn’t feel the same way, fine, but he didn’t want his feelings to be a weight hanging over their friendship forever. He didn’t want to hide anything from John. 

“What should I do? Should I buy him flowers? Hold a boombox outside his window? Shit, wait, I can’t do that. Our families can’t know that we hang out. Maybe I could write him an essay detailing everything I like about him? It’d be a damn good essay too.” 

_ “Oui,  _ nothing says romance like a written report.”

“Laf, I called you for help! Help me!” 

Lafayette let out a heavy sigh. “Because you are my friend and definitely not because I have $50 riding on this, I will help you.” 

“$50? Oh my—please tell me that you and Herc are not betting on my fucking love life!” 

“Hey, out of respect for you we held off for as long as we could. But at this point, it’s getting a little ridiculous.” 

“Good to know this is a big laugh for you guys.” Alex said tightly. 

“Save your roar,  _ petit lion.  _ I’m helping you, remember?” Lafayette cleared his throat. “Now, aren’t we supposed to go to the zoo on Saturday?” 

“Yeah.” Alex grinned to himself, remembering how cute John was shyly asking if anyone wanted to come with him to the zoo. 

(He acted like it was no deal, but he was obviously brimming with excitement. Alex was the first one to say he would go, naturally.

“I thought you hated the zoo,” Lafayette had said, and Alex jabbed him in the stomach instantly. 

“What are you talking about? I love the zoo.” Alex said. The relief on John’s face was sweeter than wine.) 

“Well,  _ we  _ aren’t.” As soon as Lafayette said that, Alex’s phone buzzed with a notification from the guys’ group chat. 

**The Revolutionary Squad**

**Laffy Taffy:** I can’t come to the zoo anymore my parents want me to entertain some friends with them :((((

**Horse Girl:** Fuck was that this saturday? I’m sorry I told my parents I’d help them out at the office

“You texted Herc?”

“Obviously.” 

**teenage mutant ninja turtle:** Damn okay :/. Should we just reschedule? 

**Laffy Taffy:** Nooooo you were so excited

**Laffy Taffy:** You and Alex should go. We can all go together another time 

**teenage mutant ninja turtle:** Well…if Alex is okay with that 

“This is the part where you say something.”

“Oh!” 

**Alex:** Yeah that’s cool with me 

**teenage mutant ninja turtle:** Yay :DDD! 

“Now you have a date with your dear Laurens,” Lafayette said. “Aren’t I smart?” 

Alex had to admit, he couldn’t have come up with something better himself. “Have I told you how much I love you,  _ mon cher?”  _

“Yeah, yeah. Save the sweet talk for your boy.”

***

Alex was pretty indifferent to the zoo. He liked doing things that were hands on, stimulating. Something that had a thrill to it, like an amusement park or a concert. He didn’t see the fun in staring at a bunch of animals in cages and hanging around in a place that always smelled faintly of shit. But that was fine, because he had enough fun watching John. 

John had Alex’s Yankees cap perched on his head, the map of the zoo spread out to its full size, and a look on his face that meant business. It was a little sexy. 

“The hardest part is deciding where to go first and where to go last.” John scanned the list of exhibits like he was reading the secrets of the universe. “Is there anywhere you wanna go first?” 

Alex shrugged. “Penguins? I’m down to see penguins.” 

John lit up. “I was gonna say the same thing.” 

Alex leaned over to look at the brochure. “Holy shit, they’ve got elephants? Okay, penguins first, elephants.”

“You have to build up to elephants. You don’t wanna see them too early, and then every other animal is a disappointment after. Let’s save elephants to the end.” 

“Penguins, then elephants. You know I’m not patient enough to wait that long." Alex held a hand over his heart. "I promise I’ll judge each animal on their own merit.” 

John laughed. “Alright, you win.” 

Walking around the zoo, it reminded Alex of the museum they went to, the first time they met. It had only been two months since they met, and a month since John had come to New York, but it struck Alex how much John had changed in that time. When they walked through the museum, John was reserved and a little self-conscious. But now, John was purely himself. He had Alex take pictures of him in front of his favorite exhibits, shouted “Fuck!” when a gorilla slapped the wall of the glass enclosure right as he put his face close to it, getting them dirty looks from nearby parents, and pulled Alex without asking to whatever animal he felt like seeing at the moment. He was ten times lighter than the boy Alex had seen in the waiting room all those months ago. 

They saw flamingoes, giraffes, lemurs, red pandas, so many different creatures. They went to a petting area for sheep, where Alex swore he wasn’t scared to go into because sheep were harmless and he’d handled scarier things then them. So naturally, he ended up tripping right into the muddy ground, trying to back away from a sheep he thought was charging at him. John laughed so hard, Alex thought he was going to piss himself. 

They saved the lions for last. They were large and majestic, with full, brown manes and roars that brought goosebumps to his skin. John made him take a picture in front of the enclosure. 

“Hamilton in his natural habitat,” he said as he snapped a shot. 

It was his favorite exhibit by far, even more than the elephants. He watched the lions run around the habitat, springing forward with their strong hindlegs. The power the lions commanded was apparent even when they were sitting still. Alexander liked that. 

They stopped by the gift shop, where John bought a cute stuffed lion. 

“What are you gonna name him?” Alex said once they exited the shop. “You should send a picture of him to Laf, he’s great at coming up with funny names.” 

“I already know what his name is.” John stroked the lion’s fuzzy mane. “I’m calling him Hamilton.” 

Alex almost tripped over his own shoes. “Really?”

“Yeah.” His eyes stayed on the stuffed animal. “Now I’ll always have a  _ petit lion  _ with me.” 

Alex’s steps faltered. John kept walking forward, and Alex had to speed up to catch up with him.  _ You could have the real thing if you wanted,  _ Alex thought, but the words stuck in his throat. 

By the end of the day, they were exhausted. Alex bought them snow cones, blue raspberry for him, cherry for John, and they sat down on a bench to enjoy them. John’s snow cone stained his lips dark red, very distracting. It occurred to Alex that they were pretty alone here. There were people walking around, of course, but there wasn’t anyone standing around them or near them. If he wanted to confess, now was as good a time as any. 

Alex wiped his hands on his lap, sweaty from nerves. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but John spoke first. 

“I came out to Laf and Herc.” John said, licking his snow cone and making his lips impossibly redder. 

He turned to face John, surprised. “What? When?”

“A couple of days ago. It was when you were at that lunch with your parents.” John grinned. “They were good about it, obviously.” 

Alex shook him by the shoulders. “Congratulations, man!” He knew how hard it was coming out, even after doing it the first time. 

John stood up and walked around to lean against the iron fence behind them. “I never thought I would say it out loud to one person, and now I’ve said it to three.” 

Alex got up and stood next to him, just as John looked at him and said, “It’s because of you. I would have never been able to do it if I hadn’t met you.” 

Alex shook his head. “I didn’t do anything. It was all you.” 

“No, you’re wrong.” His eyes were shining. “I never thought I could be myself and anyone would like me. I’ve never opened up to people who weren’t my family, and even they don’t know everything about me. For the first time, I’ve been thinking about what I want for myself. Not what my dad or anyone else wants. Me. I didn’t even think there was a difference before you showed me. Being with you and Laf and Herc makes me believe that no matter what happens, things will turn out alright.”

John gave him a brilliant, blinding smile. “I’m so glad I met you.” 

This was it. This was the moment Alexander would confess his feelings for John and let the chips fall where they may. Except…he didn’t. 

Instead, he nudged John’s shoulder. “I’m glad I met you too. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” 

They looked at each other and looked away, embarrassed by their verbal displays of affection. Still, the smiles remained on their faces. 

John may have been the guy he had a huge, life-changing, debilitating crush on, but he was also one of Alex’s best friends, even though they hadn’t known each other long. And his best friend had just climbed over a hurdle for the second time and came to a much needed revelation about himself and his future. Alex was proud of him, and he wasn’t going to make this moment about him and his feelings. 

He had plenty of time to come clean to John. This was one thing he didn’t want to rush. 

***

“Your phone is blowing up.” John pointed out. 

Alex and John were chilling on the couch, watching  _ Great British Bake Off  _ while Herc and Lafayette went to get some food. Alex had put his phone on silent and laid it face down on the coffee table, but they could see it lighting up with notifications. 

Alex picked his phone up. “Everyone keeps sending me the same link. I swear to god if it’s some stupid meme—” 

“Well, click on it.” John reached forward and pressed the link. 

It sent them to a video of a round table discussion on CNN between Charles Lee and some Democratic analyst. Lee went on and on about how Senator Laurens was the perfect candidate for president.

“—and the best part about Henry is that it’s not all about the flashy, hot button issues for him. It’s about the small things, the issues directly affecting our community. For example, one of the core issues Henry is invested in is family values. Unlike Washington, Henry is raising a family, and he’s doing it during a time when attacks on morality and the family unit are at its worst. He is dedicated to returning America back to the values he was raised on and he's raising his children on.” 

“Unlike Washington? For the record, Washington and his wife are raising a child through these ‘attacks on morality’ as well.” The analyst retorted. 

“I wouldn’t compare the senator and his family to Washington’s political stunt.” Lee sneered. “Henry and his late wife made a home for their five children, and Henry continues to maintain that home on his own, on top of working hard for constituents that depend on him. That is family. Not shopping around the poorest country for the most pitiable orphan to take home for a photo op. You can see that same callous attitude towards family continue in his support of abortion—” 

“Oh my god—” 

“That’s all the time we have left.” The host cut in. “We must move on.” 

“Chris, you  _ have  _ to give me a chance to respond—” The video ends there. 

Silence. 

Then Alex said, “I guess I should change my Twitter bio to ‘World’s Most Pitiable Orphan’. Or maybe ‘Proud Political Stunt’. 

John did not laugh. When Alex turned to look at him, he saw that John was shaking with anger.

“What the fuck? What the  _ fuck  _ was that?” John said so harshly that Alex flinched. 

John stood up and started circling the room. “I’m going to deck Lee. I’m going to find him and I’m going to knock him on his fucking ass. How the fuck could he say something like that?” 

“I know. I liked it better when they called me a bastard. Made me feel like Jon Snow or some shit.” 

“This isn’t funny.” John turned all that rage on him. “How can you joke about this?” 

“John, it’s okay. People say shit like that all the time, ever since George brought me here.” Alex told him. “It doesn’t get me down anymore.” 

“It’s not okay.” John clenched his fists. He looked like he was barely holding himself back from running out the door to track Lee down. “The next time I see that fucker I’m gonna—” 

John cut himself off harshly. Alex looked over at him, but he couldn’t see John’s expression. 

“John? What is it?” 

John shook his head. “No. Lee is a lot of things—an asshole, a suck up, a piece of shit with a stick shoved all the way up his ass—but he’s not reckless. He doesn’t do a single thing my father doesn’t approve of.”

It became clear where this line of thinking was heading. “John, no.” 

“Him and my dad probably talked about this. Hell, Lee might have stolen the words right out of his mouth. My dad’s the one who said all of this shit.” John slumped, curling in on himself. “I’m so sorry, Alex.” 

He sounded so distraught that Alex got up and dragged him back down to the couch. John wouldn’t look at him, even as Alex moved closer. 

“What are you apologizing for?” Alex said softly. “You didn’t do anything.” 

“That’s my family. That’s my fucking father, and he let his campaign manager say some shit like that on CNN.” John started tearing up. “What makes me any better than him? Lee’s right, my dad’s the one who raised me. I learned everything from him. What’s stopping me from turning into someone just like him?” 

“John.”

His eyes screwed shut. “I’m sorry, Alex. I’m so sorry. God, I—” 

“John!” He put his hands on John’s face and forced his head in his direction. John still wouldn’t look at him. 

“My father was a violent drunk who beat my mom and me.” 

John’s eyes flew open. 

“By the time he finally abandoned us, he had gambled our life savings away and left us with a debt so big, we didn't have two pennies to rub together. The stress from working three jobs to pay it off broke my mom so thoroughly that she died. She died because of him.” 

Alex stared right into John’s eyes. “Am I him? Am I anything like him?” 

“No!” John practically shouted. “No, you’re nothing like that motherfucker.” 

“Good. I don’t think you’re anything like your dad either.” Alex leaned forward, and their foreheads touched. “You’re ten times the man he is. You care about people deeply, you’d do anything for your friends. When someone needs you, you're there for them. You’re a good person, John.” 

John slowly reached up and pressed Alex’s hands harder to his cheeks. For a moment, they breathed together like they were half of each other. Then John nodded, Alex’s head riding up and down with the motion. 

“Okay, I’m cool.” John said. “You’re right, we’re a hundred times better than our fathers.” 

“Damn straight.” 

John’s eyes went soft. “Thank you, Alex. I mean, fuck, I’m the one who’s supposed to be comforting your ass.” 

Alex cracked a smile, relieved that the tension was broken. “It’s okay.” 

They heard the sound of laughter from upstairs. Herc and Lafayette came running down the steps, only to freeze when they saw the position Alex and John were in. 

“Uh, are we interrupting something?” Herc asked. 

They pulled back from each other reluctantly. “No, it’s nothing. Did you hear the shit Charles Lee said about me?” 

“Yes, we watched the video while we waited for the food.” Lafayette put the bags of takeout down, looking between Alex and John curiously. 

“I’m gonna hack into his Twitter and post some incriminating shit.” Hercules said. “Nasty stuff. Like furry hentai shit or something.”

“He’s so wound up, he might actually be into some of that stuff.” John said. 

Alex shuddered. “Please don’t make me think about Lee’s porn tastes while we’re eating.” 

***

Later that night, Martha greeted Alex with a big hug as soon as he walked through the door. He could hear George yelling at someone in the office. 

Martha pulled back. “How are you doing?” 

“I’m fine.” 

Martha gave him a stern look, and he sighed. She had a way of prying the truth from him when he wanted to run and hide. 

The truth was, Lee’s words hurt. Sometimes, Alex felt like because he put up this unflappable front and never let people see him sweat, people forgot he was human. Everyone was waiting to see how he’d respond, whether he’d clap back at Lee or make a joke about the whole thing. But John was right, nothing about this was funny. Lee disparaged him and his family for no reason on national television, and it really stung, especially since he said the exact thoughts that Alex believed for a while after the Washingtons adopted him. 

He remembered shouting at George, his second year of living with the Washingtons, “Don’t call me son. I’m not your fucking son! You wanna use me as a puppet to get more money from your donors? That’s fine. I’d rather do that than rot to death in Nevis. But don’t call me your son. Don’t pretend that you care about me, that you’re not getting something out of me—”

“Alexander.” George said, and it was enough for Alex to cut his voice immediately. 

“Alexander, I don’t ask much of you. And I will never ask you for more than you can handle. I won’t ask you to call me your father, because I know you haven’t had anyone to show what that word is supposed to mean.” George looked at him head-on, eyes blazing. “But you cannot ask me not to call you son, because you are my son. I believe God put me and you on that island at the same time, so we could find each other. So I could bring you home. I call you my son because I believe in you, I will always be on your side, and I want to protect you. You are  _ my  _ son, Alexander.” 

Alex broke down crying and they embraced each other in a hug. He held onto those words every time those insults about his family dug into him. It was how he was able to say so calm watching that video. Lee’s words didn’t mean anything, because he knew George and Martha were his home. 

So he said to Martha, “Lee’s full of shit. I’m not gonna waste paying attention to anything he says about me or us.” 

Martha looked like she was about to chastise him for the language, then let it go. “I feel the same way. George and I were livid when we saw the video, though. Now he’s on the phone to someone doing…I don’t know what? Expressing his feelings, I guess?”

Her words were punctuated by George’s voice shouting, “He can say whatever he wants about me but he keeps my son’s name out of his mouth!”

“When it comes to you, he goes full guard dog.” Martha giggled. 

Alex rubbed the back of his neck, a little pleased and embarrassed. “I’m gonna head up to my room. Your political stunt needs a nap.” 

“Alright, I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.” 

Alex laid on his bed, exhausted all at once. He was about to get under the covers when his phone vibrated with a message from Hercules. 

**Horse Girl:** Yo dude get on twitter asap

**Horse Girl:** John said something 

That woke Alex up. He didn’t even know John had an account. Alex pulled up Twitter on his phone. The Lee interview was still trending, and when he clicked on the tag, the top trending tweet was from John. 

**@jlaurens:** It’s a sad, sad day when we trade morality and common decency for a chance to be at the top of the news cycle. My mom brought me up to understand that “family” was people who choose to love each other against all odds, in easy times and hard ones, whether you are connected by blood or brought together by fate. That is a value, at least, I hope we can all stand behind. 

Alex almost dropped his phone. He read the tweet over and over again, speechless. Before he realized it his hands were moving, calling John. 

John didn’t even waste time on a hello. “I had to say something. Someone had to hold Lee to his words.”

“John.” 

“I didn’t think the tweet would blow up!” John continued as if Alex hadn’t spoken. “I mean, shit, I don’t even use Twitter like that. I’m pretty sure the campaign made that account for me. Guess they’re regretting that now.” 

“John.” 

“My dad called me. I knew he’d be pissed, but I didn’t have a choice. Someone in this family has to draw the line and if he won’t, I will. He’s making me take it down. I’m afraid he’ll fly down here if I don’t, so I’m gonna. But I’m gonna wait till the morning.” 

(John was severely underplaying the conversation with his dad. Henry was angry, the type of angry that would make his siblings shake with fear when they were kids. When Henry got that mad, his words would come out clipped and brutal. 

“You will take down that tweet.” Henry said when he picked up the phone, no hello. 

“As soon as Lee apologizes. How could you let him say that, Dad? That was—” 

“You will take down that tweet immediately. And when I am less busy trying to win the most important election of my career, we’re going to have a talk about proper social media usage.” 

“Why don’t you have a talk with Lee about his mouth? Since he can’t control what comes out of it.” 

The silence between them was so thick, it choked him. 

“I hope all that time in New York hasn’t caused you to forget what respect means.” Henry said. “If so, I can remind you.” 

John knew a threat when he heard one, and he paled. “I’ll take it down.” 

“Thank you.” Henry replied, and promptly hung up the phone.) 

“John!” 

John paused. “You’re not mad at me, are you?” 

“No, I, I—”  _ I love you.  _ The conviction behind that thought was so strong that it terrified him. The revelation hit him like a ton of bricks, and he had to get off the phone before he lost control of himself. 

“Thank you, John. For doing that. I couldn’t have said it better myself.” His words were coming out all jerky and weird. “Martha’s calling for dinner, I gotta go.” 

“Alex—” 

But he had already hung up the phone. 

Alex ran his hands through his hair, hands shaking. In an instance, all the feelings he carefully kept contained inside him overflowed, spilling everywhere. He sat up in bed and thought,  _ Fuck the election, fuck Senator Laurens, fuck George, fuck everyone!  _ (He immediately apologized to George in his head.) John had defended him against his father, in public, knowing that he was risking his father’s wrath. John, who was intensely private, thrust himself into the public eye to protect Alex. He did it for Alex. 

It was so clear then. Alex wanted to be with John. He wanted to hold his hand, look into his eyes, and tell him all the ways he was perfect to Alex. He wanted to press how amazing John was into John’s skin with his words and his kiss. If there was even a chance that John might feel the same way, he was going to shoot his shot and never look back. 

He was John’s. And he wasn’t going to rest until he made sure John knew it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the karaoke scene was my absolute favorite scene to write between sassy laf and cheesy love songs you can't go wrong! Also yayyyyy the schuyler sisters are finally here! Angelica is such a fierce bitch I love her <333
> 
> I swear to god in brainstorming this story 50% of it was plot outlining and the other 50% was coming up with funny contact names for the squad. I put way too much thought into them lol 
> 
> Speaking of outlining, I redid the outline and now I'm confident we're gonna get it done in eight chapters! Maybe nine, but most likely eight. The chapters are definitely gonna be long from now on but I don't think that's a problem 
> 
> Thank you for all your comments and kudos, and thank you for staying along for the ride with me! Next chapter: ladies and gentleman, the moment we've been waiting for ;))))


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re the worst idea I’ve ever had, but I can’t stop myself.” John bit his lip, then said what he felt deep in his bones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ladies and gents it's happened.......I have upped the rating.....god forgive me

“Herc, what are you doing!” John shouted. Him and Alex were sitting on the couch while Lafayette and Hercules were sitting on the floor, playing Call of Duty. 

“Shut your ass up and watch me work!” Herc shouted back. “I have a plan.” 

“Looks like that plan sucks ass.” John said as Herc got shot up by enemy soldiers. 

“Will you go somewhere with me on Saturday?” Alex turned and asked John, out of nowhere. 

“Yeah, sure.” John responded, half paying attention, half focused on the game. “Wait, doesn’t Laf have a thing on Saturday? Or am I—” 

“Just you and me. I want to go somewhere with just you on Saturday.” 

_That_ ripped John’s attention away from the TV. He turned to look at Alex so fast, he got whiplash. “Just the two of us?” 

Alex’s eyes were focused and determined. “Yes. Is that okay with you?” 

John was quick to agree. “Yeah, yes. Of course. That is definitely okay with me, for sure.” He shut his mouth before he spent all day saying yes. 

The smile Alex gave him was different than usual. It was softer, more tender. “Alright, cool.” 

Unbeknownst to the two of them, Lafayette and Herc had been listening in on the conversation the entire time. They exchanged a look and Lafayette rubbed his fingers, indicating that he was about to be a lot richer. Herc shoved him. 

“You guys both suck,” Alex spoke up, now addressing the entire group. “Let me and John take over.” 

“I wonder if you two will be focused enough to play the game.” Lafayette giggled, glancing at John, who looked like his mind was in another world. 

He remained in a daze even once he went home. John replayed that conversation over and over again, trying to make sense of it. It all happened so fast that he didn’t have the chance to fully understand what was happening. Was he getting the wrong idea? Was he overthinking this? He couldn’t think through this on his own. John pulled out his phone and texted Herc. 

**John:** Did Alex ask me out on a date?

**John:** I know you and Laf were listening so don’t pretend

**up in it lovin it:** Do you want it to be a date

It was a good question. What did John want this to be?

**John:** I don’t know. I mean yes of course I wanna go on a date with Alex but idk I’ve never been on a date before. If that’s what this is. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do 

**up in it lovin it:** Bro it’s ALEX. Just act normal there’s nothing you need to do 

**up in it lovin it:** Don’t think of it as a date if it makes you nervous. Think of it as two dudes having a good time together

John exhaled. Hercules was right. It wasn’t like he was going out with a stranger, it was Alex. His Alex. Well, not _his_ Alex, but. Whatever else happened, he knew he’d have a good time because they were together. 

**John:** You right thanks man

**up in it lovin it:** No prob

When the day came, John’s stomach was filled with nerves. He changed his clothes several times, not sure what to wear. Alex refused to tell him where they were going no matter how many times he asked. 

“You’ll see tomorrow,” Alex said when John called yesterday and made a last ditch effort to find out where they were going. 

“Come on! I don’t know how much I should dress up.” 

“Wear whatever you want.” Alex reassured him. “You look good no matter what you have on.” 

“Are you okay?” John blurted out. Alex seemed different these past couple of days. His words were blunter and his eyes were clearer. It put John on edge, because he wasn’t sure what sparked this change.   
“I’m great.” John could hear in his voice that he really meant it. “I can’t wait to see you.” 

“Me too.” John said, and he went to bed more confused than before.

He ended up wearing a white shirt with navy blue stripes and dark jeans. He pulled his hair away from his face, then let it drop back down. John wasn’t convinced this was a date, but there was nothing wrong with dressing a little nicer than he usually did. And he knew that whenever he wore his hair down, Alex looked at him a little longer. 

He walked down to the subway station, where Alex was already waiting. He was wearing a green polo shirt and blue jeans that hugged his body perfectly, and John wanted to sink into the floor. 

He pulled himself together and waved. “Alex!”

Alex turned to him and his face lit up. “John! Over here!”

When Alex saw John, he knew, without a doubt, that today was the day he was going to confess his feelings. It was a moment of clarity, like he saw John and everything inside him snapped into place. The anticipation thrummed in the back of his head, a voice saying, _Alex, you gotta tell him._

They talked on the train ride over, and Alex could feel John’s curious glances on his face. He was sure from John’s perspective, he’d been acting pretty weird these days. Even if John asked him what was up, he wouldn’t know what to say. How do you say, _hey I’ve been acting so weird lately because I realized I’m so fucking far gone on you and I wanna be with you, like, forever,_ in a way that doesn’t send the other person running screaming? 

Instead, he said, “I’m not gonna tell you where we’re going.”

“We’re literally almost there!” John whined. “Or we’ve got a long way to go. Can I at least know that?” 

Alex flicked his eyes upwards like he was considering it, then said, “No.” 

John groaned and put his head on Alex’s shoulder. “Honestly, I can’t believe you’ve kept it to yourself this long. Don’t tell me you finally learned to ‘talk less’?” 

Alex laughed and hoped that John didn’t feel his heartbeat speeding up. “Wow, and I was just about to tell you.”

Alex earned a shove for that. “Don’t play.” John said. 

When they got off at their stop and exited the station, Alex came up behind John and put his hands over his eyes, telling him that he’d guide him to the place. Alex hadn’t planned on doing that before, but he’d take any excuse to be close to John. 

John leaned back into him. “If I trip into something and fall, I’m kicking your ass.” 

“Don’t worry, I got you.” Alex said, low and right into his ear. The tips of John’s ears turned bright red.

John couldn’t see himself doing this with anyone else. He didn’t think he trusted anyone else enough to let them walk him through the busy streets of New York blind, with only their comforting presence behind him to guide him. But with Alex’s warm hands on his face and his body pressed against John’s back, John felt like there wasn’t a place he wouldn’t follow Alex to. 

Eventually, they stopped. Alex removed his hands and jumped in front of John. “Surprise!” 

John looked up and gasped. They were at the aquarium, a beautiful, humongous, glass building with paintings of various sea animals on the cobblestones leading to the entrance. There were banners up previewing some of the animals on display, including a whole exhibit dedicated to soft-shelled turtles. John could’ve fainted, he was so happy. 

“Alex, you took me to the aquarium?” John said, barely able to contain his excitement. 

“Not just any aquarium!” Alex looked so pleased with himself. “This one had its grand opening, like, a week ago, so it’s got state of the art everything. Plus there’s a late night dolphin show! I know, I know, this is the best surprise ever.” 

John squeezed his shoulder. “It really is. Thank you, Alex.” 

Alex looked away, a little embarrassed. “You haven’t seen anything yet. Come on, let’s go in.” 

When they walked in and grabbed brochures, the first thing Alex said was, “Obviously we’ve gotta build up to the soft-shell turtles. If we see them too early it’ll ruin every other animal and we don’t want—” 

John elbowed him. “Don’t start.”

***

They were having a _blast._ Alex wasn’t going to rest until John changed his mind about majoring in law and majored instead in whatever put him around sea animals all the time. John glowed as he watched the turtles glide through the water, pressing his face against the glass like a little kid. They looked at sharks, dolphins, stingrays, fish, and John shared all these little facts about all of them. At one point, he got into a long conversation with the animal handler about the mating habits of the blue poison dart frog. 

“Sorry, is this boring for you?” John asked him once he finished up with the animal handler. It was the first time his smile had dimmed all day. “I feel like we’re always doing what I wanna do.” 

Alex shook his head and put a hand on his shoulder. “I think I’d have to be soulless and heartless not to have fun at an aquarium. And I have fun with you no matter what we do.”

John relaxed and brightened again. “Alright. But next time we’re going somewhere you want to go, got it?” 

_Next time._ The words tingled down Alex’s spine like a caress. _Next time_ he could be going on a date with his beautiful boyfriend, if he played his cards right.

When it was time for the dolphin show, John led them right down to the front row. The other people in their row had ponchos, which neither him nor John had on. 

“Wow, it’s closer than I thought.” Alex said, nervously glancing at the large pool. “Shouldn’t we get ponchos?” 

John was bouncing in his seat with excitement. “No, we’re good.” 

“We’re gonna get wet.” 

“God, I hope so.”

John sensed his apprehension and said, “It’ll be fine! We’re not that close. It’ll just be a splash or two.” 

Once they exited the arena, John said, “It’s not my fault the dolphins were super active today!” 

Alex pulled the front of his shirt away from where it was sticking to his body, completely drenched. “It’ll be fine, he said. Just a splash or two.” 

John shook out his damp hair. “There’s no point sitting in the front row if you don’t get a little wet.” 

Honestly, he wasn’t even that upset. How could he be, when John was so happy? But it was fun teasing John anyway. “We’re soaking wet.” 

John grabbed his wrist. “Come on. I’ll buy you something from the gift shop.” 

John dragged him to the gift shop and they looked at all the cute trinkets and art prints. Alex settled on a mini stuffed turtle, which was so cute that John bought one for himself too. 

“You have a little Hamilton, now I have a little Laurens.” Alex as they exited the store, tossing the turtle up in the air. “Maybe I should call you _ma petite tortue?”_

John's cheeks went bright red. He opened and closed his mouth, but no words came out. “You could,” he eventually said. 

It was getting late, and the mood changed as people cleared out of the aquarium. It was quieter, a little more intimate. 

Alex said, “There’s one last place I wanna go.” 

John followed Alex as he took him to a room near the back of the aquarium, almost tucked away. John gasped as soon as he walked in, stunned by what he saw. The whole room was a water tank from wall to ceiling, and jellyfish of all different colors swam around them and above them. John was transfixed, watching their tentacles billow out behind them as they floated through the water. 

“Alex, this is beautiful.” he breathed, staring up at the jellyfish above them. 

Alex didn’t respond. He was staring at John. The jellyfish were beautiful, yes, but they were nothing compared to the way John looked looking at them. His hand reached over, acting on pure instinct, and he took John’s hand into his own, intertwining their fingers. 

John’s gaze slowly moved down, down to their hands. Then it whipped back up, eyes flitting frantically across Alex’s face. “Alex?” 

_Say something!_ Alex screamed at himself, but for once in his life, words were failing him. He couldn’t make his mouth move like he wanted it to. 

“John—” he choked out. 

Then they heard a loud ruckus outside as a kid shouted, “Mommy, Mommy, I wanna see the jellyfish!” 

Alex and John jumped away from each other. A couple of kids burst into the room, their tired mother following after them, She shot them an apologetic look and moved to corral her children. 

“We should go, it’s getting late.” Alex said, looking hard at the ground. 

“Yeah.” John said, in a similar position. 

They were too exhausted for a long train ride, so Alex called them an Uber. The two of them were silent in the car, lost in their separate thoughts. 

John stared out the window as a voice in his head kept repeating _What the fuck?_ over and over again. His heart raced every time he remembered the feeling of Alex’s fingers sliding in between his own. Their hands fit together perfectly. John was getting to a point where he about to say fuck it and confess, because this was all getting to be too much. If Alex was just playing with him, he wanted it to stop now, before he fell any deeper. 

Alex stared at his hands, lost. Why was this so hard? Why couldn’t he say how he felt? The aquarium was his best chance to come clean, and he blew it. And he couldn’t say it in the car with the Uber driver there. He was running out of time, and he wondered if he was really gonna let John go without saying anything. Was he really gonna let John pass him by?

The car pulled up in front of John’s place. Before John could say goodbye, Alex said, “I’ll walk you to your door.”

They got out together and stood in front of the bottom step leading up to John’s apartment, looking at each other. Waiting for…something. Finally, John moved first. He reached forward and pulled Alex into a hug. Alex closed his eyes and sunk into the warm, familiar scent of him.

“Thank you for taking me out today, Alex.” His voice was barely above a whisper. “I had a really good time.” 

They stayed wrapped up in each other for a couple more seconds. Then John pulled away and turned to walk up the steps. Before he could go any further, Alex grabbed his hand and pulled him back down. 

“I don’t want to let you go,” he said, the expression on his face more open and vulnerable than John had ever seen. 

John stopped breathing. “What?” 

Alex’s heart slammed against his chest, beating so loud he could hardly hear himself think. He opened his mouth, and all the words just spilled out. 

“I never want to let you go. I—I think about you all the time, John. I think about when I’m going to see you again, what I’m going to say when I see you, if a joke I made up in my head would make you laugh, if there’s anything I can do to always keep you smiling and laughing. You’re in my dreams and I can’t—I can’t—” he cut himself off.

Alex moved closer and they were inches, centimeters apart. His hand was still holding John’s, like a hot iron branding him, and his breath brushed all over John’s face and John was certain he had never felt more out of control in his life. 

“If you don’t want this, push me away.” Alex whispered. And then he kissed him. 

The shock of Alex’s soft lips against his was enough to freeze John for a moment. He was completely out of his body, felt like he was out of his mind. Then Alex moved his hands and buried them in John’s hair, gripping tightly and pushing himself closer, and John came alive in his arms. 

John gripped the back of Alex’s shirt and kissed him back desperately. Alex made a noise and opened his mouth, just a little. John opened his mouth too and then they were _flying._ Alex kissed him deeper, and it was fireworks, pure fireworks. John moaned, a loud noise cutting across the quiet city streets. The reality of it made John pull back suddenly with a gasp. 

Alex was breathing heavy, his cheeks were dark red, and he was looking at John like he was the only person who existed in the world. 

“I—I—Goodnight!” John turned and ran into the apartment complex, leaving Alex out there before he had a chance to recover.

When the dust finally settled, a smile sprang from Alex’s face that stretched from ear to ear. He jumped and shouted, “Woohoo!” and heard his own voice echoing in the air. Alex didn’t even bother calling for a ride, he was too amped. He began the walk home and pulled his phone, calling Lafayette and Herc for Group Facetime. 

They both picked up after the first ring. “So?” Lafayette questioned. 

Alex let the full force of his smile spring forward. “Guess who just made out with John Laurens?” 

His friends whooped loudly, and Alex laughed breathlessly. It was hitting him in waves that he and John kissed. He kissed John Laurens!

“Let’s go!” Herc yelled.

_“Félicitations, mon ami!”_ Lafayette said. 

Alex looked up at the sky, and for once he felt like the world was filled with limitless possibilities. 

***

When John woke up the next morning, his head was still spinning. Last night was a rollercoaster of emotions, and he thought for a second that maybe it was all a dream. But he knew it wasn’t, because he could still feel Alex on his lips.

After leaving Alex, he ran all the way up to his aunt’s place and closed the door. John leaned against it and slid to the floor, giving in to his knees’ desire to buckle. His hair was mussed from Alex’s hands, his face was flushed, and his lips felt swollen. A smile erupted on his face that was so big he covered it, even though no one was there. Alex kissed him. Alex _kissed_ him! A damn good kiss too, if John had anything to say about it. 

John walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water and jumped when he saw his aunt in the kitchen, talking on the phone. 

“John, perfect timing!” Betsy said, holding the phone out. “Your father wants to speak to you.”

It was as if the bottom had dropped out from underneath him. In a moment of wild, irrational panic, he was convinced that his father knew what he and Alex did. Like an alarm bell went off at his campaign headquarters as soon as John kissed another boy. 

But Henry just droned on and on about how successful his meet and greets had gone and how he expected John and his siblings to be conducting themselves appropriately. Then he launched into his usual speech about John’s future and how John had a lot to live up to. 

“I’m allowing you a little more freedom since it’s your last summer before college,” Henry said. “But once summer is over you need to hit the ground running.” 

“Yes, sir.” John said, over and over again until Henry finally let him go. 

That moment of fear stayed with him even now, and doused a bucket of cold water over the memory of his kiss with Alex. It reminded him that he was playing a dangerous game. If his father found out, or hell, if either of their fathers found out they’d be in big trouble, and most likely forced apart. He didn’t know what Henry would do to him. He didn’t even know what’d be worse in Henry’s mind: the fact that he kissed a boy or the fact that he kissed Alexander Hamilton. It was all too big of a risk, something that had the highest chance of ending in disaster for both him and Alex. They had to stop. 

His phone vibrated with a message. John’s heart sank when he saw who it was. 

**petit lion <333: **Can we meet at the park? I need to talk to you

**John:** Sure

John blinked back tears. _You’re in my dreams,_ Alex said. He hadn’t even gotten the chance to tell Alex that he felt the same way, that he was the first person John thought about when he woke up and the last person he thought about before he went to sleep. But it was better this way, he told himself. If they stopped before anything started, they wouldn’t risk breaking each other’s hearts. It was safer being friends. 

As he walked to the park, he practiced what he was gonna say: _I’m sorry, Alex. I want us to stay friends._ John was gonna look at the ground as he said it, because he didn’t think he could bear to look at Alex as he rejected him. Seeing the hurt reflected in Alex’s eyes and knowing that he was the one to cause it would be enough to actually break him. 

Then Alex came into view. John was far enough away for Alex not to notice him, but he noticed Alex. He was pacing back and forth, pushing back the strands of hair that had fallen out of his messy ponytail. He was talking to himself, and John knew without a doubt that Alex had been there for a while, practicing the amazing speech he probably had planned to win John over. He didn’t know that he had already won John over by standing there in a hoodie and sweatpants at way too early in the morning, just to tell John his feelings. Nothing else mattered to John anymore, he just wanted Alex. 

Alex was a nervous wreck. He’d shown up an hour early to prepare like he was going into the fight of his life, which is what it felt like after talking to his friends. 

Once he got home, his friends demanded to hear the full story, which Alex gladly told. The way John looked in the moonlight, the sound of his moan, played in Alex’s head on repeat. 

“Man, why’d you have to choose now to grow some balls?” Herc said. “I thought for sure you’d take another week.” 

Alex rolled his eyes. “Since I’m in a fantastic mood right now, what was your bet?” 

“I bet that you would confess your love to John in the first week of July, Hercules bet the second week.” Lafayette explained. “If it took you longer than that, we were going to lock you guys in a room until you figured it out.” 

“Well, we figured it out.” A dreamy smile came on Alex’s face again at the thought of John’s lips on his. 

“So you are boyfriends now, _oui?”_

“Yeah, I guess.” Alex shrugged. 

“You guess?” Lafayette said in disbelief. “What did you say after you finished making out?” 

“Nothing, really. John ran inside and I called you guys.”

“Alex, you idiot.” Lafayette pinched the bridge of his nose. “Text him and ask to meet first thing in the morning.”

“Why, what’s the rush?” 

“Because when John wakes up, he’s going to talk himself out of the whole thing.” Hercules said, which surprised both Alex and Lafayette. Herc usually didn’t get too involved with other people’s romances. 

“Yes, what he said.” Lafayette continued. “So you need to define the relationship before poor John reconsiders.”

“Alex, don’t do this if you’re not sure.” Herc interrupted before Alex could respond. He had never heard Herc sound so serious. “The Laurens aren’t like George and Martha. If his dad finds out—” 

“I know.” Alex said quietly. “I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.” 

So there he was, gearing up to make his case to John. If John heard him out and still just wanted to be friends, Alex would respect that. He’d take John any way he could have him. But deep in his heart, Alex knew that they belonged together. They would be good together, great. 

“Alex.” 

He spun around and there was John, standing right in front of him. His hair was tied in its usual ponytail, and Alex flashed back to the sensation of running his fingers through John’s hair like he’d dreamed of doing for weeks. 

“Alex—”

“Shit, wait,” Alex cut him off, snapping back into focus. “Let me say something first.” 

“You don’t need to—”

“John, please.”

John closed his eyes and nodded. His expression was carefully blank, and it made Alex a little more nervous. He took a deep breath, and looked at John head-on. 

“I skipped the most important part yesterday, John. I blew past a couple steps and went straight to kissing, and I’m sorry about that.” 

John looked away, a little confused. 

“I should’ve told you how I felt about you first.” Alex said, and that made John look up to meet his gaze. “I like you, John. I like you so much, I can’t think straight around you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do just to see you smile at me.” 

John couldn’t help but smile a little, and Alex responded in kind. “I know what you’re gonna say. I know that it’s a big risk. Between your dad and George and this damn election, the two of us being together right now is a bad idea. But I was thinking about it last night, and all that shit has nothing to do with us. Why should we ignore our feelings because of decisions our parents made? If we want to be together, we should be together. And I want to be with you.”

“I wanna be with you, John.” Alex repeated, pleading. “I wanna hold your hand. I want to know everything about you, even things you don’t tell anyone else. I want to protect you from your dad’s bullshit and from everyone else. I want to be the person you can lean on, the person you know is always in your corner because I am, John. I’m yours.” 

This was the last straw for John. “Alex.” 

“So, please, don’t push me away. Don’t run away from this. We can figure it out together if you—” 

“Alex, I like you.”

“—give us a chance. I swear, I’ll—wait, what?” Alex did a double take. “What did you say?”

“Oh, do I get to speak now?” John teased, shaking his head fondly. “I was about to start taking notes.” 

The expression on John’s face changed, becoming more serious. “I said I like you. A lot, actually. More than I’ve ever liked anyone in my life.”

“Really?” The hesitant, wobbly tone in Alex’s voice twisted John up inside. 

“How could anyone not like you? You’re…smart and funny and sweet and passionate about whatever you do. You could have anyone you wanted, and that’s why I don’t know why you’d want to be with me.”

“I can write you an itemized list of everything that’s perfect about you.” Alex said instantly. 

John laughed, a light, happy sound. “You are lame, but I like that about you anyway.”

“Hey!” Alex protested. 

“You’re the worst idea I’ve ever had, but I can’t stop myself.” John bit his lip, then said what he felt deep in his bones. “I want to be with you too.” 

Alex exhaled sharply. “John.”

Alex pulled him into a hug and John wrapped his arms tightly around him. They were finally, finally on the same page. Their bodies were so close that John felt Alex’s heart beating against his chest, and it was as if their hearts were beating together in unison. 

John pulled back just as quickly. They were in a fairly secluded part of the park, but he looked around anyway to make sure they were alone.

“If we’re gonna do this we need ground rules.” he gripped Alex’s shoulders, standing a little apart from him. “My dad can’t find out about this. He can’t.” 

Alex nodded. “I know, I know.” 

“So we have to keep this a secret. No one can know. We have to keep our distance in public, so no one thinks we’re anything more than friends. And when we’re alone, we have to make sure we’re really alone. We can’t be careless about this, there’s too much at stake.” 

“We’ll be careful, I promise.” Alex reassured him. 

John pulled him back into a hug. “We have to be.” 

“Can we tell Laf and Herc, at least?” 

“Yeah, of course.” John didn’t even hesitate. “I trust them.”

Alex heaved a sigh of relief. “That’s good, because I kinda, maybe, sorta called them right after you went into your place.” 

John hit his shoulder, laughing. “Alex! Seriously?” 

“I’m sorry! I’d just kissed the guy I’ve been crushing hard on for months! I had to tell someone.” 

“Or you could’ve screamed into a pillow, that’s what I did.” 

Alex peered up at him, a suggestive look on his face. “So I can tell Laf and Herc that…?” 

John felt lightheaded under Alex’s heavy gaze. “That we’re dating. You’re my boyfriend now.” 

“Boyfriend, huh?” And suddenly, Alex’s face was a lot closer than it had been before. “I like the sound of that.” 

Alex leaned forward, and John leaned in to meet him. A bird’s cry echoed in the air, reminding John how out in the open they were. He sprang backwards. 

“Nothing in public, remember?” he said, catching his breath. 

Alex groaned. “Fine, let’s get breakfast. By the time we’re done, Martha should be at work.” He gave John a long look, up and down. “And then we can continue where we left off last night.” 

John swallowed. “Sure, let’s go.”

***

Breakfast was a pleasant affair. They didn’t talk much, just stared at each other with matching fond expressions and played footsies under the table. It felt like magic, to like someone so much and know they like you back the same way. John didn’t think he’d ever stop being in awe of Alex, the way he came into John’s life and turned everything inside him upside down.

It wasn’t until they were walking down to Alex’s apartment, that John got nervous. This was his first time going to Alex’s home and they would be completely alone. His face flushed hot as the memory of Alex’s lips warm and insistent against his own came to mind. There was no telling what they’d get up to. 

Alex opened the door to his place and led John straight to his room. Alex’s room had just as big of a personality as its owner. There were posters on hip hop albums on the wall, an orange bean bag on the floor, and a large speaker sitting on his dresser. He had two large bookshelves and books piled on his desk, along with various pieces of papers sprawled all over the surface and on the floor. A hectic, chaotic room for a non-stop boy. 

Alex laid out on the bed, and John’s heartbeat sped up. He took his time walking around the room, looking at everything. 

“Wow, you have a lot of books.” John said, trailing his hands over the spines of some of the books in his bookshelf. 

“Yeah, I like to read.” Alex sat up and stretched a hand out to John. “Come on, sit.” 

John walked over to him, hoping Alex couldn’t tell how nervous he was. Once he was in reach, Alex yanked him down onto the bed and he ended up falling half on top of Alex. Their limbs were tangled and John practically jumped backwards. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled. 

“It’s okay.” Alex put a hand on his back, and John’s body went ramrod straight. The more he tried to relax himself, the stiffer he got. John was so flustered he couldn’t even look at Alex. 

Alex gently tipped John’s head up. “Hey, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You know that, right?” 

John covered his face. “I know, I know, I don’t know why I’m acting so weird.”

Alex took one hand away from John’s face and held it in his own. “You’re fine. A lot has happened. I mean, I still can’t believe that you actually…” 

“Like you? Believe me, I like you too much.” It was a breath of fresh air, to be so open about his feelings. “Honestly, I was worried it was super obvious.” 

Alex couldn’t keep the smile off his face. “I thought I was super obvious too. Laf basically said so every time I talked to him about you.”

“You talked about me?” 

Alex gave him an incredulous look. “John, I talk about you to everyone. You know me, when I really like something I can’t shut up about it.” 

_And I’m one of those things,_ John thought to himself, giddy. 

Alex kissed the back of his hand. “Let’s play 20 Questions. You can ask me anything you want, I’ll ask you anything I want, complete honesty. I’ll even let you go first.”

“Anything?” John repeated.

“Anything.” Alex moved a little closer. “I want you to know everything about me, too. So ask away.” 

John hesitated. There was a big question he wanted to ask Alex, but he was afraid to ruin the good mood they had going. Plus, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to hear the answer. 

Alex poked a finger at the space between John’s eyebrows, where they had involuntarily come together. “I see that look on your face. Don’t think so hard, just ask me.” 

“How many other people have you dated?” The words flew out of John’s mouth.

The question clearly took Alex aback. He opened his mouth, but no words came out.

John quickly backpedaled. “Sorry, I was just—you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, obviously.”

“No, no, I told you I’ll tell you anything.” Alex said. “I’m just worried you’ll get the wrong idea about me.” 

John moved forward and kissed Alex, just a quick peck. “I know you, Alex. You’re not gonna scare me away that easy.” 

Alex nodded to himself. “Okay. Complete honesty, right?” 

“That’s all I want.” John agreed.

“The truth is, I haven’t dated seriously that much. I mean, when George and Martha brought me to America, I was a mess. I didn’t want to let anyone in, and I didn’t want to get too attached in case George and Martha realized they made a mistake and wanted to send me back.” 

John gripped his hand tighter. “Oh, Alex.” 

“I was a different person back then. I was reckless, and I just wanted to have a good time and forget about all the shit I went through back home. So I…had fun with a lot of people, but I never got serious with anyone. Until I met Eliza. Then we dated for about a year, and yeah. You’re the second person I’ve ever dated.” 

John tried to beat down the insecure thoughts rising up inside in him, but it was hard. Because how could he compare to Eliza, the beautiful girl who was so amazing, she made Alex change from a player to a devoted boyfriend? And that was Alex’s first real relationship too. After her, what if John was just a disappointment? 

“What about you?” Alex’s voice snapped in him out of his thoughts. “Have you ever dated someone before me?” 

John’s eyes flicked up, thinking about the answer. “I mean, you’re not the first guy I’ve ever kissed.”

“Really?” Alex was genuinely surprised. He imagined rural South Carolina wasn’t bursting to the brim with guys looking to kiss other guys. 

“I didn’t have as much fun as you, that’s for sure.” John grinned. “I’ve only been with two guys. The first guy was at church camp when I was 13. I can’t even remember his name now, just that we would hide inside the pulpit when the chapel was empty and kiss. Kid stuff.” 

He sobered up as he remembered Francis, someone he hadn’t thought about in a while. “Then junior year, I met this guy, Francis. We were put together for some dumb science project and we ended up doing a lot more than that. I thought we were together, but it wasn’t the same for him. I was just some experiment he’d grow out of.” 

It hurt to think about Francis. John was so dumb back then, and desperate. Francis sought him out whenever he wanted to get off, then ignored him in public or downright insulted him if goaded into it by his friends, and John thought they were boyfriends. Because he kissed John like he loved him and always apologized, John let everything he did go, every time. 

When things inevitably fell apart, Francis shouted at him, “This was supposed to be a good time and you’re ruining it. You didn’t think we were dating or something? What the hell do I look like, dating a _guy?_ Grow up, John.”

He retreated deep within himself after he and Francis stopped talking. When he thought that that was closest he’d get to making a real, meaningful connection in his life, it made him so apathetic to his future. That was when he started doing whatever his dad said, putting his head down and studying, taking a backseat to his own life. He was sleepwalking through each day, and then he met Alex. 

Alex looked outraged, as if this all just happened. “What a fucking asshole. Damn, I wish I could kick his spineless ass for you. Who the fuck does he think he is?” 

“Just another repressed asshole living in the South.” He ran his hand up and down Alex’s cheek, warmed by Alex’s anger. “But who gives a shit? The way I felt about him doesn’t even come close to the way I feel when I’m with you.” 

Alex was the first one to kiss him this time. It was longer this time, but still sweet. John couldn’t stop smiling through it. _He’s mine,_ John thought wildly. _This boy is mine._

“It’s your turn,” John said once they pulled away. 

The look on Alex’s face changed from playful to serious. This time, he was the one hesitant to speak. “You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to.” 

“I can handle it.” 

Alex took a deep breath. “Are you ever going to come out to your dad?” 

He wasn’t expecting that question. He pulled his hands away in shock, and Alex was immediately apologetic. 

“That was too far, I’m sorry. I’ll ask you something else, I just—”

“It’s fine.” John cut him off. “I’m not upset, just surprised.”

He took a long pause before he answered the question. “I guess I’ve never really thought about it. I know he’d have to find out someday, but I can’t see myself sitting down and telling my dad I’m gay. I assumed that after college, I’d live my life and he’d live his. Maybe if I was about to get married, I’d tell him then? I’ve honestly never thought about it.” 

“After college? If you get married?” Alex repeated numbly. “You’d hide who you really are for that long?” 

John’s face closed like a shutter. “I don’t expect you to understand.” 

For once in his life, Alex held his tongue. The last thing he wanted to do was spend their first day as a couple arguing about Henry Laurens. So even though John’s answer bothered him in more than one way, he let it go for now. 

He drew John’s hand back to his lips and kissed the back of his palm softly. “Alright, let’s not talk about that now. It’s your turn.”

With each kiss Alex laid on his hand, John unclenched and relaxed back against him. He took his time asking his question, taken by the way Alex pressed his lips to the inside of his wrist, like he was something precious. 

“Are Lafayette and Herc dating or hooking up or what?” John said, changing topics completely. “Like, what’s up?” 

“Okay, you noticed it too!” Alex sat up suddenly. 

“Yeah, definitely. Are they together or what?” 

“I don’t know!” Alex threw his hands up. “Laf won’t tell me anything no matter how much I ask, and Herc says even less. I know they’ve hooked up before, but that’s only because I walked in on them. 

John raised his eyebrows. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, junior year, Ben Franklin’s end of the year party.” Alex recounted. “Actually, me and Lafayette got into a fight over it. I asked them over and over again how long they’d been together and why they hid it from me, and Laf told me it was none of my business and that sent me flying off the handle…it was a pretty crazy night. Me and Laf didn’t talk for a couple of days. Herc stepped in and told me that they weren’t together, that shit was complicated and I had to let them figure it out on their own. And until now, I thought they decided to be friends.” 

John had no idea his friends had such a complicated relationship. “Jesus, and they complained about us? What’s stopping them from getting together?” 

Alex played with John’s fingers. “If I had to guess, they’re probably afraid of ruining the group if things went bad. Plus, Laf is the kind of guy who doesn’t like to be tied down for too long. We’re the same that way.” 

It took a second before Alex realized what he just said. He sat up abruptly again and said, “We used to be the same that way. I’m 1000% committed to you right now.”

John snorted. “Don’t let me hold you back, player.” 

“I’m serious.” Alex intertwined their fingers and held their hands to his heart. “I’m with you, John. For the long run.” 

The look in his eyes was so earnest that John’s chest swelled with emotion. John knew the road up ahead for them might be difficult, and there was every chance of this all turning into one big mess. But there was nothing he could do, his heart belonged to Alex now. 

John smiled. “For the long run.” 

***

Things weren’t that different dating Alex, except in the ways they were. 

From an outside perspective, nothing had changed in their little group. The boys still hung out together as a group, having a good time getting up to stuff around town. They still went partying on the weekends or chilled out in Laf’s basement. To anyone watching, John was nothing more than another one of Alex’s good friends. 

In reality, they were an insufferably lovey dovey couple. 

_“Mes amis,_ I love you, but if I have to watch you any longer I’m going to barf.” Lafayette complained. 

“What?” John asked from where he was sitting on Alex’s lap. The four of them were playing Super Smash Bros. 

Alex had his arms wrapped around him so he could hold his controller while holding John. Just as it looked like John might win, Alex laid a soft kiss on his neck, distracting him long enough for Alex to send his ass flying off the platform.

John wriggled in his arms, but Alex held onto him tight. “Let me go! I don’t sit with cheaters.” 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Alex laughed, then he whispered into John’s ear. “I’ll make it up to you.” 

“Can you guys stop being so gay for five seconds?” Herc said drily. 

They both shook their heads. “Sorry.” Alex said, totally not sorry. 

Since Alex’s place and Laf’s basement were the only places they could truly be themselves, they took advantage of it to the fullest. They had taken to jogging together in the morning (“I can handle jogging, John!” Alex said to him when John questioned if he was really okay with their morning runs. “Just because I’m not Usain Bolt like you, doesn’t mean I can’t handle walking around the park.”), then hanging out in Alex’s room after George and Martha left for work. Then they’d head over to Laf’s in the afternoon. 

When they were with their friends, they toned it down a little, but they had a hard time keeping their hands off each other. Alex always had a hand on his thigh or an arm around his shoulders, and John more often than not ended up resting his head on Alex’s shoulder and playing with Alex’s fingers. They relished the times they could be physical with each other, because most of the time they couldn’t. 

John was extra on his guard now, especially since the guys weren’t hanging out by themselves these days. Since the Schuyler sisters had come back from London, their little groups had merged into one. Whenever the guys went out, the girls usually came with them.

He’d grown fond of all three girls. Angelica was badass and, as he found out at one party, just as good at freestyling as Alex, maybe even better. Somehow, Peggy knew exactly what to say to him to have him bent over laughing and she knew how to have a good time. Eliza, though, was the biggest surprise. They had actually grown somewhat close, bonding over the fact they weren’t as hardcore of partiers as everyone else in the group. While everyone else was getting drunk off their asses, they would get a little tipsy and talk on the couch. She may have looked like a sweetheart on the outside, but she was just as sharp as Angelica and a great listener. John found it easy to open up to her. 

But despite his growing friendship with the girls, he wasn’t ready to let them know about his relationship with Alex. That didn’t stop Alex from pushing the boundaries, though.

One day, they went to the movies as a big group. It started off rocky from the jump, as John had to fight to keep his face neutral as he pretended not to notice the not so subtle way Angelica was trying to set it up so Eliza and Alex would end up sitting next to each other. 

Thankfully, Lafayette stepped in. “Have no fear, _ma belle._ If you need someone to hold onto during this scary movie, you have your personal Lancelot right here.” 

Eliza laughed. “Thank you, _monsieur.”_

Lafayette sat next to Eliza, and Hercules sat down next to him. That left Alex and John on the end, and John breathed a sigh of relief. 

Alex looked at him with a sly smile. “You can hold onto me if it gets too scary for you. I’ll protect you.” 

His voice was a bit too loud, and Angelica, sitting on the other side of Eliza, leaned over to look at the two of them. “Wow, Alex, aren’t you friendly today?” 

A bolt of panic raced through him. Alex’s words were so suggestive, definitely not something two best bros say to each other.

Alex covered himself smoothly. “I feel bad. John doesn’t like horror movies, but you guys were so hyped to watch this.” 

“You don’t?” Angelica turned, addressing him. 

John played along. “Yeah, but it’s whatever. As long as I close my eyes at the right time, I’m fine.” 

“Oh, we should’ve chosen a movie we all wanted to see.” Eliza said, sweet as ever. 

“It’s fine, really. I don’t mind.” John reassured her. 

The lights went down, and John was so relieved to stop the conversation there before Angelica asked any more questions. Angelica had this way of looking at you and making you feel like she saw deep inside of you, right to your core. She made you feel like it was useless to hide anything from her because she’d find out, one way or another. 

John thought that mini scare was enough of a reminder that they needed to chill out in public, but not for Alex. John was okay with their hands brushing as they grabbed popcorn from the same popcorn bucket (to be fair, John let his hands linger just as much as Alex), but soon he felt something brushing against his knee. Alex’s fingers. 

He glanced at Alex, but Alex’s attention remained on the movie. At first John thought he didn’t realize he was touching him, so he let it go and focused back on the movie. Then Alex’s whole hand moved to cover his knee, and John almost flinched. Still not looking at him, he trailed his hand up John’s leg, to his thigh. Then he looked at John, and squeezed.

John had to bite his lip to keep himself from making a sound. There was such a rush doing something like this out in the open, where anyone could see them, that made it impossible for him to tell Alex to stop. He let his legs spread wider and turned to say something to Alex, when he saw Eliza looking over in their direction. 

His blood ran cold. He threw Alex’s hand off him and whispered loudly, “Damn, Alex, which one of us is scared? You’re crushing my leg.” 

Their friends giggled, just as John hoped. “You need me to come over there and hold your hand?” Peggy called down from where she was sitting. 

“Fuck you guys, this movie is scary.” Alex said, and everyone laughed again until they were shushed. 

John shifted his legs away from Alex, and Alex kept his hands to himself for the rest of the movie. 

“We can’t do that again,” John said on the phone, after the movie. “That was too much.” 

Alex was silent for a moment. “I don’t get why we can’t tell the girls. They’re our friends and they wouldn’t tell a soul, I know them.” 

“It’s not that I don’t trust them, I just…” John sighed. “The best way to keep a secret is to tell as little people as possible. Laf and Herc are enough for me, right now. Telling anyone else, _anyone,_ is dangerous. I’m not ready to take that risk.” 

“Okay, then. That’s all that matters.” John heard the defeat in his tone, and it made him feel terrible. 

“I’m sorry. I wish it didn’t have to be like this.” 

“No, it’s not your fault. You’re right, we have to be careful.” Alex said. “But it sucks. I wish I could tell everyone how amazing my boyfriend is.”

Alex calling him his boyfriend never failed to make John blush. “I know. I’ll make it up to you tomorrow, when we’re alone.” 

“Oh yeah?” Alex said, his voice lower than usual. He was irresistible when he sounded like that. “Can’t wait.” 

They talked a little bit more, and before they hung Alex asked one last time, “Do you think you’ll ever want to tell them?” 

John paused, then said, “I think so. Someday. But not right now.”

Alex, thankfully, left it at that. “Alright. Goodnight, _ma petite tortue.”_

John laughed. “Oh my god, goodnight.”

Even after he hung up, John was deep in thought. There was another reason he was hesitant to tell the Schuyler sisters that he didn’t say to Alex because he didn’t know how. That reason was Eliza. 

***

John leaned against the wall, next to Lafayette, sipping a cup of Sam Adams and watching the party unfold in front of him. He bopped his head to the music and listened to Lafayette as he described the intricacies of French rap, but his eyes kept glancing over across the room, where Alex and Eliza were talking to each other, faces close. 

“Why’d they break up anyway?” John asked, trying to be casual. 

Lafayette followed his gaze, then gave him an unimpressed look. “I hope you are not getting the wrong idea, _mon cher.”_

John waved him off. “I’m not, I’m not. I’m just curious.” 

_Because she’s obviously still in love with him,_ John thought, but he didn’t say out loud. He knew it, she knew it, and Angelica definitely knew it too, if her blatant attempts to hook the two of them up were any sign.

It was a big reason John didn’t want to tell the Schuyler sisters about his and Alex’s relationship. He knew Alex would deny it if he told him, tell him that him and Eliza were just friends. And John believed that they were, but he also believed that Eliza still had feelings for him. He knew what it was like to pine after Alex, what it looked like. In a strange way, it was another thing that made him feel closer to Eliza, even if she didn’t know it. They were the only two who understood what it was like to hold lightning in your hands and pray that it didn’t burn you. 

He was worried if they told the girls, it would mess up the whole group dynamic. Eliza would be hurt, and Angelica was a force to be reckoned with when Eliza was hurt or upset. John was the new one to the group, he didn’t want to be the person who screwed up everything their last summer together before college. 

Lafayette gave him a long look, then said, “I don’t know. Alex wouldn’t talk to anyone about it for a while. It was a rough year for him, honestly, and the breakup made him build up bigger walls around himself. The most he said to me and Hercules was that it was mutual, but Angelica and Peggy didn’t believe that. That’s why they didn’t talk to us for most of senior year.” 

Lafayette swirled the drink in his cup. “I believe it, though. They were both definitely mutually heartbroken.”

John’s face fell, just for a quick second. He held out hope that maybe it was a nice, friendly break up where they realized they were better as friends. But no, they were in _love._ And if Alex knew Eliza still had feelings for him, what would he think? 

Lafayette, as always, saw everything. He continued, “He only really became fully himself again after meeting you. With you, he’s the happiest he’s been in a long time.”

John looked down, trying to hide a smile. “You’re just saying that.” 

“No, I’m not.” Lafayette chuckled. “He is crazy about you. Obsessed, I’d say. He can’t take his eyes off you for five seconds, look, he’s looking at you right now.”

John looked up and Lafayette was right, Alex was looking right at him. Instead of looking away when he was caught, he shot John a wide grin, which John returned. 

Lafayette made a noise. “You two are disgustingly cute together. Cute, but gross.” 

John laughed loudly. “Thanks, Laf.” 

“What are you two talking about?” Alex said, coming up out of nowhere to wrap an arm around Lafayette’s shoulder. 

“Nothing much,” John said quickly. 

“Nothing much?” Alex moved from Lafayette’s side to John’s, wrapping an arm around him now. John tensed for a second, then relaxed. Alex was known to be touchy feely with his friends, especially when he was drunk, so nothing about this was out of the ordinary.

“We were actually talking about you and Eliza.” Lafayette said with an innocent look on his face. 

“Laf!” John said, betrayed. 

“What? Why?” Alex glanced between the two of them, but neither said a word. 

“Okay.” Alex let the word hang in the air. “Well, John and I are gonna go find a room to make out in, so we’ll catch you later.” 

Alex pulled John away despite his flustered protests, and took them to an empty guest room. He locked the door, and John expected him to push him against the door and kiss him frantically, like they were running out of time. Instead, Alex came up to him and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, his nose, and his forehead. The look in Alex's eyes was so tender, John could hardly speak. 

“Let’s lay down on the bed.” Alex suggested. 

They took off their shoes and got under the covers, trading long, soft kisses. Alex pulled away and traced a finger down his nose to his wet lips. 

“Anything you want to ask Lafayette about me, you can just ask me.” Alex said softly. “There’s nothing I won’t tell you. For you, I’m an open book.

John licked the tip of his finger, where it was still pressed against his mouth. “I know that. But it’s okay if there’s things you don’t want to talk about. I don’t want to bring up bad memories for you if I don’t have to.” 

Alex shook his head. “Let me be the judge of that.” 

John hesitated, then said, “Why did you and Eliza break up?” 

Alex sucked in a sharp breath, then nodded to himself, like he’d been expecting that question. “Right. It’s kind of a long story.”

“You don’t have to tell me.” John insisted.

He brushed the hair back from John’s face and kissed his forehead. “You want to know, so I want to tell you.” 

Alex cleared his throat and began talking. “First things first, let me say this clearly. There is nothing going on between me and Eliza. We’re just friends and we’re gonna stay friends. I’m 100% into you, and nothing’s going to change that.” 

John nodded. “Okay.” 

Alex continued, “When I met Eliza…I’d never met a girl like her before, you know? She was kind and beautiful and she cared about _me._ Like, everyone wanted something out of me but all she wanted was for me to be happy. She listened to me and she never judged me, and I trusted her more than anyone.” 

“We started dating near the end of sophomore year, and things were great. Her sisters got along with Laf and Herc, and we became a family. I’d never had a close group of friends like that before, and being with her and with them made me feel so lucky to be alive. Like all the bullshit I went through was worth it, to be standing there with them. I wanted to make everyone proud.”

Alex winced, a little. “So junior year hits, and it’s stressful. I mean, I think junior year is stressful for everyone, but it was pretty brutal for me. My friends didn’t understand, Eliza didn’t understand that if I didn’t put in all the work right then, my future would be over before it even started. Columbia doesn’t accept everybody, and I wanted to get in on my own merit. Not because George golfs with the dean or whatever. That was another stressful thing, George and I were fighting a lot that year. He thought I was stretching myself too thin, I thought it wasn’t any of his business, because he didn’t understand what I was up against—”

He shook his head, a sharp motion, then got back on track. “Anyway, between classes and SAT prep and extracurriculars and volunteering, I was always busy. Eliza begged me a thousand times to slow down, take a break. But I couldn’t. This was so important to me, because I knew if I got into the right college I’d be set for life. I kept telling myself that I’d have time for Eliza after. I put everything else above her, and she didn’t deserve that.” 

“Then one breakdown and an intervention from Laf and Herc later, I was ready to stop being the world’s shittiest boyfriend and be there for her.” Alex drew in a deep, shuddering breath. “But it was too late. We were…off. Even when we went through the motions, it wasn’t the same. Like we didn’t fit anymore, not like we used to. I knew something was wrong, but I was selfish and a coward. I didn’t have the strength to let her go.” 

His eyes shined with unshed tears. “She broke up with me, but I knew she was doing it so I didn’t have to. I made her break her own damn heart and she did it, for me. I’ve never forgiven myself for that. So we broke up, Angelica and Peggy stopped talking to me and things were pretty rough for a while. But we’re good now. Things are good now.” 

John felt like the worst person in the world. Here he was making everything about him, when two of some of the closest people to him were hurting badly and managed to make it out on the other side. 

“Thank you for sharing this with me, Alex.” John ran a hand up and down Alex’s arm, a soothing gesture. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that.” 

Alex wiped his eyes. “No, it’s okay. I believe things happen for a reason, and I think after going through all that me and Eliza are stronger than before. We can support each other better as friends. Eliza deserves someone who’d drop everything for her, someone who’s gonna devote their whole life to making her happy every day.”

He cupped John’s cheek. “And now I know how not to be a shitty boyfriend. I promise, John, I’ll never make you feel so helpless.” 

They embraced, John held tight against Alex’s chest. John didn’t say this out loud, but he couldn’t be that sorry that things didn’t work out with Eliza. It led Alex to him, and John would never regret that, ever. 

***

Since John and Alex were very limited in the places they could display affection, Alex began writing him little notes to alleviate some of his frustration. Lafayette called them love letters, but John would die of embarrassment before he called them that. 

The letters ranged in length and content, and they used overly flowery language that made John laugh. Sometimes they were short and sweet, like the note Alex left in his sketchbook: _I’m so glad I met you, John. I think that every day._ Or the one he left in a book John lent him, that said: _You’ve cast a spell on me. I can’t even eat dinner without your face coming to my mind and a smile spreading on my face. Martha thinks I’ve gone crazy._ Some notes are short but not so sweet, like the one he slipped in his back pocket at a party: _Yo your ass looks TIGHT in those jeans._ He went to the bathroom to read it and burst out laughing when he did, then went to find Alex and drag him off somewhere private. He kept all the letters in an empty shoebox under his bed. 

Some were longer entries, which John loved because it allowed him a peek into Alex’s mind. Alex wrote exactly as he talked, and it was fun to read the way he bounced from point to point. He handed John this note directly before they parted ways to go home. It read:

_Dearest John,_

_I was thinking about fate vs. free will the other day, and it really messes me up how every momentous event in our life is the result of choices we almost didn’t make. Like, what if you didn’t go to the roof that day? What if I didn’t? What if I just left once I saw you there (I nearly did, remember I thought you were a rightwing nut with a stick up your ass, sorry)? What if I didn’t ask you to run away with me or what if I did and you said no? There’s so many things we could’ve not done, and then we wouldn’t be here now. Is that fate, or are our choices our own? Well, whatever the case, I’ll keep doing what I’ve been doing, since it brought me to you. I’ll always choose you, John._

_Yours,_

_A. Ham_

He really did build palaces out of paragraphs. John felt his own words were lacking by comparison, so more often than not he gave Alex a drawing in exchange for a letter. He’d give Alex some of the pictures he drew of him throughout the week (at this point his sketchbook was exclusively Alex). He’d draw arrows pointing to the things he liked the most about Alex, like his hands or his eyes or the messy ponytail he threw his hair into. Alex loved every drawing, and John loved drawing him. 

Sometimes…sometimes Alex wrote a different type of letter. The type of letter John couldn’t read in front of other people, because his face would give him away. The type of letter that made his eyes go dark and his cheeks go red. 

He read one letter in bed that went:

_John,_

_You always ask me what I’m thinking about. You used to ask that a lot before we were dating, too. I wondered what look I must have on my face, to make you wanna know. I never knew what to say to you then, with you I never have the words. But now that you’re mine, I think I can tell you pretty clearly. All day, every day, I’m thinking about kissing you. I’m thinking about the last time I did it, when I’ll get to do it again, and how long I’ll do it for the next time. There’s not a single conversation I’m having with another person, or even with you, where I’m not thinking about your lips, your tongue in my mouth, my hands in your hair and the sounds you make. I’m thinking about the way you look when I pull away, when your pupils are blown and your mouth is so, so red. I’m obviously thinking about it right now as I write this, and I’ll probably be thinking about it when I go to bed (and doing other things as well)._

_Watch. If you ever see me touching the corner of my lips, that’s because I wanna kiss you right now._

_Ton Petit Lion_

John had a hard time falling asleep after that. 

Then a couple days later, at a party, John is sitting next to Eliza, mixing drinks together and daring her to drink it. Eliza actually has the alcohol tolerance of a sailor, so it was fun to watch her knock a few drinks back while also having a coherent conversation about their favorite Pokemon starters. He heard the sound of Alex’s laughter and looked in his direction. 

Alex was in his most natural state: surrounded by a group of people, going on and on about something while everyone hung on to his every word. He loved the look in Alex’s eyes when he really got going on a topic, shining and hard to look away from. Because he was caught up staring at him, John saw the exact moment Alex put a thumb to his lips and rubbed the corner of his mouth. 

A sudden heat laced down John’s spine like a whip. For a second, he thought that maybe Alex hadn’t meant anything by it, that it was an accident. Then Alex looked right at him, those dark eyes filled with an intensity that made John tremble. He said something to the people he was talking to and left, walking up the stairs without even a glance in John’s direction. 

“Bathroom,” John fumbled out to Eliza, practically tripping all over himself to rush up the stairs after Alex. 

He walked through the kitchen hoping to see which direction Alex went, when an arm shot out from the pantry and dragged him inside. Alex pushed him up against one of the shelves and dragged him down for a bruising kiss. Alex moved his mouth against his as if he was trying to devour John whole, and it took everything John had not to melt into the floor. 

“You’re so unfair, John.” Alex could barely stop kissing him long enough to get the words out. 

“Me? What’d I do? I was just sitting there.” John’s eyes slipped shut as Alex moved to his weak spot, the hollow of his neck. “But you? You’re such a fucking tease.” 

“Exactly, you were just sitting there.” Alex pressed his whole face into the side of John’s neck. “It’s not fair that you can do nothing and steal my attention away anyway.” 

Alex whispered in his ear, “I told you, didn’t I? All day, every day, my mind is right here with you.”

John didn’t like to think of the last guy he was with, Francis, often, and it never occurred to him to compare him and Alex ever, because they weren’t even on the same playing field. But since Francis was the first guy he’d ever been with, he couldn’t help but notice how different John was with Alex than him. Francis was the type of guy who wanted to be in control and could only wrap his head around kissing a guy if he was the one calling all the shots. John was terrified that if he showed the strength of his desire, it would gross him out and scare him away. 

With Alex, John never once had that thought. With Alex, John didn’t _think._ He moved on instinct, and took what he wanted. He wasn't afraid to let Alex know how much he wanted him. 

Without a word, he grabbed Alex’s hands from where they were gripping the front of his shirt and pushed Alex up against the opposite side of the pantry, pinning his wrists on either side of him. He leaned down and kissed him again, the desperation conveyed in the harsh press of his mouth. John bit his bottom lip and swallowed a moan from Alex. The temperature inside rose to a fever pitch. 

When they separated for a brief moment, Alex looked at him like he was seeing him for the first time. “John, please.” he whimpered. 

Hearing Alex say his name like that snapped the last of his reason. He fit his mouth over the skin right at the base of Alex’s neck and sucked, drawing a sharp gasp. He put a thigh between Alex’s legs and pressed their bodies from head to toe. They both moaned at the sensation and just as John thought he might go one step further, he heard girls’ voices right outside the pantry doors. 

“Ugh, that bitch. I had dibs and she knew it.” 

“To be fair, he walked up to her. What was she supposed to do?” 

“Not flirt with him? Hello, girl code?

“He wasn’t even that cute for all this drama.” 

John had let go of one of Alex’s wrists to put his hand against Alex’s mouth. He gave him a wide-eyed look imploring for silence. Alex nodded. Then he leaned down to nip under Alex’s jaw, unable to help himself. Alex sucked in a breath and glared at John with wide eyes. 

The two girls continued their conversation, oblivious to what was going on right in front of them. 

“Did you see the guy sitting with Eliza? He was _hot.”_

“Yeah, I heard he runs with Hamilton’s crew. John something.”

“First she catches Hamilton, then this mystery guy? Why can’t I be a Schuyler? Loaded, with one hot guy after the next waiting in the wings to sweep me off my feet.” 

Alex was shaking with the effort it took to stay quiet as John left another mark on him, and John found the whole thing so unbearably hot.

“No more boy talk! I’m craving chips and salsa.” 

“I see the chips, where’s the salsa?” 

“There’s probably another can in the pantry.” 

The boys froze. 

“Isn’t it bad manners to go through someone else's stuff?”

“Do you want salsa or not?” 

John saw the girls through the slats of the pantry doors. One of the girl’s hands reached for the doorknob, and John could only watch as his life as he knew it slowly came to an end… 

“Hey, Angelica Schuyler is about to get into it with Monroe!” A guy’s voice came out of nowhere. 

The girls both whipped around. “What?!” 

“She turned him down and he called her a stuck up bitch.” the guy said. “All bets are off.” 

The girls rushed from the kitchen, and the air was silent again. Alex and John took a beat, then bust out laughing. John literally had to hold on to Alex’s shoulders to keep from falling over, that’s how hard he was laughing. 

“Can we get out of here? I feel like a box of Froot Loops is about to hit me in the head.” John said. 

Alex cracked a smile. “Not without the salsa.”

***

That was the biggest difference between dating Alex and not dating Alex: the kissing. They kissed _a lot._

John marveled at the duality of his feelings for Alex. Alex made him feel warm and soft inside, and sometimes he dreamed of doing such innocent things with him, like staring into his eyes or holding his hand. But Alex also made him burn up from the inside out, and he found himself thinking about all the ways he wanted to touch Alex and he wanted Alex to touch him. The thought of Alex’s hands on his bare skin, running up and down his body, made his throat dry. 

They took advantage of every opportunity they had to kiss. When they went back to Alex’s place after their jogs, they spent 90% of their time making out (though John also liked the other 10% of their time they spent listening to music, reading a book together, or holding each other and talking). When Laf and Herc left them alone in the basement to pick up food, they’d fly into each other other arms and had a hard time pulling away before Laf came stomping down the steps (which he had taken to doing, so that he didn’t walk in on the two of them mid-kiss _again)._ More and more, Alex had taken to dragging John off in the middle of a party to make out in someone’s guest room. They kissed and kissed and kissed, but Alex was never satisfied. Secretly, neither was John. 

They hadn’t done more than kissing and some casual grinding, but their passion for each other grew each day. John was worried they were moving too fast, but who could blame him? How could anyone resist the storm that was Alexander Hamilton?

As with all things, their desire reached a make it or break point. 

They slammed into Alex’s room, Alex’s mouth moving hurriedly against his. They fell onto the bed and John ended up on top of him, hands moving restlessly over his face, his shoulders, down his body. Alex dug his hands into John’s hair and John whimpered (“Once I get my hands in your hair, I can’t control myself,” Alex whispered to him once, and John thought he was going to spontaneously combust). Alex flipped John over and tilted his head back, pressing his tongue deep into John’s mouth. John thought he might black out from the pleasure, that was how good it felt. 

It was so overwhelming, exhilarating. Alex on top of him, his scent surrounding John as they were in his bed and crushed against each other. Alex began to rock downwards and the friction set off little fireworks under his skin. He let out a little moan with each thrust. 

“John,” It took Alex a moment to continue speaking, he was breathing so hard. “We need to…we should—if we don’t slow down, I’m gonna, I can’t…” 

John had never heard Alex at such a loss for words, and he thrilled at the fact that he was the only one that could do that to him. Their hips continued to move against each other relentlessly and John arched his head back and let out a long groan. 

Alex pulled himself up suddenly, so he was hovering above John. John groaned again at the loss. 

“I’m gonna…go to the bathroom.” Alex mumbled, eyes still closed. 

This was what usually happened. They’d get too hot, too fast, and Alex would go to the bathroom to take care of his, uh, little problem, while John stayed on the bed and tried to take care of his.

John grabbed his hand. “Or you could…not.” 

Alex’s eyes flew open. “W—What are you saying?” 

“I’m saying…” John’s hand trailed slowly down Alex’s body, till he reached the top of his pants. He cupped his hand over the hardness that pushed against the zipper and squeezed. “Don’t go. Stay right here.” 

“Fuck, John!” Alex slumped forward and groaned against John’s neck, and John’s heart rate skyrocketed. 

“Is this okay?” John whispered. 

Alex could’ve broken his neck with how hard he was nodding. “Yes, yes, _yes.”_

This moment seemed suspended from time, like everything was happening in slow motion. He reached forward, undid the button, and pulled the zipper down. He slid his hand under Alex’s boxers, and brushed his knuckles against the bare flesh of him. 

Alex had stopped breathing completely. His dick was hard as a rock and twitched like crazy under his touch. John was transfixed. He moved to wrap the whole of his hand around him when— 

There was the sound of a door slamming open and closing. “Alex, I have groceries! Come and help!” Martha’s voice rang out. 

The boys flung themselves away from each other so abruptly that Alex ended up falling off the bed and on the floor. John remained on the bed, frozen with fear. 

“I thought you said she went to work!” John said. 

Alex quickly zipped up his pants and stood up. “She’s supposed to be at work! I don’t know why she’s here! Shit, shit—”

John went to the window. “Maybe I could climb out the fire escape?” 

“No time. Look, just—” 

“Alex!” Martha called again. 

“I’m coming!” he shouted back. 

Alex ran to his closet and started throwing things out of it like a madman. He turned to John and said, “Get in.” 

John glanced at the closet, then gave Alex a look. 

“I promise I’ll keep all my closet jokes to myself, just please get in the closet!” Alex said again. 

John rolled his eyes and went into the closet. Alex shoved everything he pulled out to make space under his bed, humming a familiar song frantically as he did. 

“Why the hell are you singing The Star Spangled Banner?” John’s voice filtered out from the closet door. 

“Because! It, you know, um, helps me. Calm down. If you know what I mean.” Alex answered as he kicked John’s shoes under the bed. 

There was a pause, then John laughed so hard he started coughing, then laughed again. 

“John, keep it down!” Alex shushed him. “John!” 

“Boy, don’t you hear me calling for you?” Martha’s voice was a lot closer now. 

Alex jumped onto his bed and grabbed his phone, pretending to scroll through something. He grabbed a pillow and put it over his front just to be safe. 

Martha knocked on his door, then walked in. “Alex, can’t you hear me? I said I bought groceries.” 

Alex looked up in faux surprise. “Martha? You’re home early.”

“I’m only on break. In fact, I better get back before there’s another emergency no one else in the hospital is equipped to handle but me.” Martha rolled her eyes. “Do me a favor and put the groceries away and put the chicken in a pot of water to defrost, alright?” 

Alex stood up, calm now. “Okay.” 

Martha paused before leaving his room, and Alex panicked a little. “What?” 

“It’s nothing. I thought you had someone here with you, but I guess not.” 

Alex walked out the door, and thankfully she walked out with him. “I told you, I’m going over to Laf’s later.”

“You’re always going over there. Invite them to dinner over here sometime, I’ll even make Lafayette’s favorites.” 

Their voices faded away as they went down the hall, leaving John with only the sound of his heart pounding out of his chest. That was a close, close call. Who knows what would’ve happened if she saw them right as they were about...as _he_ was about to…John blushed deeply. He must’ve been out of his mind. Who was this confident guy who could put his hand on his boyfriend’s dick like it was nothing? John wanted to _die,_ he was so mortified. 

John’s phone vibrated, and he took it out of his pocket to check his messages. 

**The Revolutionary Squad**

**favorite fighting frenchman:** John Alex can you take your tongues out of each other’s mouths and get over here I’m bored 

**favorite fighting frenchman:** Let’s go to an escape room peggy has a coupon 

**John:** give us a minute martha’s here

**favorite fighting frenchman:** Whoa wait what 

**up in it loving it:** Yo seriously? Did you get caught?

**favorite fighting frenchman:** Or did you jump out the window lol

**John:** No I’m hiding 

**up in it loving it:** Hiding where

**John:** … 

**Alex <333: **In the closet

**John:** ALEX

**favorite fighting frenchman:** LMAO NO 

**up in it loving it:** Lolllllllllllllll

**Alex <333: **If I don’t get to make any closet jokes neither do you guys 

**favorite fighting frenchman:** Unlike you I don’t get anything out of listening to John 

**favorite fighting frenchman:** Unless ;)))))?

**John:** ;))))

**Alex <333: **Laf stop flirting with my boyfriend 

**John:** Hey at least I’m not the one who sings the national anthem to “calm down” 

**Alex <333: **HEY

**Alex <333: **JOHN

**up in it loving it:** WHAT

**favorite fighting frenchman:** W H A T

**John:** You started it

**favorite fighting frenchman:** Cancel my schedule this is all I’m gonna talk about for the next week the next MONTH

**up in it loving it:** I’m literally crying

**John:** Can I get out of the closet now or…?

**Alex <333: **Oh shit yeah I’m coming

**favorite fighting frenchman:** I’d like to thank not only God but Jesus Christ our savior for allowing me to be alive to hear this omfg 

***

“Alright, it’s time! The lake house is open and ready for us!” Lafayette said as he came downstairs, getting off the phone with someone. 

Alex and Hercules cheered. “Hell yeah!” Herc said.

“The lake house?” John asked. He was nestled into Alex’s side with Alex’s arm around his waist. 

“Laf’s parents have this sick cabin upstate that they never use, so they gave Laf the keys. We head up there every summer, at the end of July, and go fucking crazy.” Alex explained. 

“Usually I end up throwing a party, but I’d rather keep it intimate this year.” Lafayette said. “Just you guys and the Schuylers for the weekend. That works for everyone, yes?” 

They all agreed. “Trust me, we’ll have plenty of fun with just the girls.” Herc said. 

“I have to ask my aunt,” John had never done something like go on a weekend trip with friends. It sounded amazing. 

“You have to come!” Alex pleaded. “The lake feels great when it’s real hot outside. And the house is _huge,_ so all of the rooms are big. We each get our own room.” 

Alex leaned in closer. “Of course, we can share rooms too.” 

John’s face flushed hot. His mind flashed back to the events of the other day, and the look in Alex’s eyes said his mind was there too. 

“No sex in my lake house.” Lafayette said in a deadpan tone. 

Both boys flinched, their faces bright red. “Can you not?” Alex groaned. 

“Really?” Hercules murmured. 

“Some sex in my lake house.” he immediately rectified. “But if you guys are going to be _obvious,_ don’t expect us to spend the whole weekend covering for you with the girls.” 

That was true, it wasn’t going to be a complete paradise. They still had to watch themselves around Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy. But John wasn’t worried about that right now. A weekend away from prying eyes, where he’d get to see Alex wet and wearing nothing but swim trunks, and fall asleep in Alex’s arms sounded like a dream come true. 

“Let’s do it.” John said. 

Alex grinned wide and kissed him on the lips. “It’s gonna be great, just you wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they're so gross and in LOVE I can't 
> 
> It might take me a little longer between updates since I'm back in school now (sigh), but hey we're almost at the finish line! Only three chapters left! Thank you for all your support it keeps me going!
> 
> Next chapter is some fun in the sun before shit ramps the fuck up


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex had a plan for how he wanted each day to go, naturally. Go swimming with his friends, come up with excuses for him and John to sneak back to the house alone, have fun making dinner as a group, play footsies with John under the table, have movie marathons, sneak into John’s bed after everyone fell asleep. A basic, reasonable plan. 
> 
> It went to shit right off the bat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this almost reads like a bonus chapter but really it's the calm before the storm

**Alex:** We’re on our way over!

 **Ma Tortue <3: **See you soon <3

Alex grinned at his phone, bouncing in his seat. The weekend trip to the lake house was his favorite part of every summer, and John being with them only made it better. He was impatient to see John and be down at the lake already, soaking up the sun with his friends and his amazing, wonderful boyfriend.

“Yo, put on your seatbelt.” Hercules said, easing out onto the road. He had the biggest car, a glossy black Jeep Wrangler, so they always used it when they went on overnight trips. 

“Yes, Dad.” Alex said, clicking his seatbelt. Lafayette was snoozing in the passenger seat with a sleep mask on. 

Alex had been dreaming of this weekend all week. Yes, he was excited to hang out with friends away from the city and without anyone to impress, but he was more excited about the possibility of going night swimming with John. With or without clothes. 

Ever since _that day,_ Alex had one thing on his mind, and that was doing whatever he had to do to get John’s hands on him again. The memory of John’s fingers, light and shy, brushing against his dick played on loop in his mind (and led him to take a lot more showers than usual). The way John looked at him as he reached over to unbutton his pants…just the thought of it made Alex want to explode. 

But because of that Martha fiasco (of course he got cockblocked by Martha, _of course),_ John was a lot more cautious than before. They hadn’t been doing anything in his room other than light kisses. But now, they could easily share a room without worrying about anyone walking in on them. He wanted to take his time with John, slowly take him apart and look at every part of him. He wanted to see how far down those freckles went.

Hercules pulled up in front of John’s place and honked his horn. John bounded out the door, sleepaway bag swinging behind him, and he was sunshine, pure sunshine. Herc popped the trunk so he could throw his bag in the back, and then he slid into the backseat. 

He leaned in and kissed Alex, a quick peck. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Alex couldn’t stop smiling. He’d never get used to the fact that someone like John was _his_ boyfriend. 

“Alright, let’s get this party started!” Hercules shouted, and Alex and John whooped. 

Lafayette groaned. _“Mes amis,_ please. I need my beauty sleep now if I’m not going to get much sleep this weekend.”

“Sorry,” Alex whispered, and the three boys whooped quietly. 

John was so pumped for this trip. Just him, his friends, his boyfriend, and the beautiful outdoors, what could be better? He dreamt of racing his friends in the water, going on late night hikes with Alex, looking up at stars. And after everyone had gone to sleep, he’d sneak into Alex’s bed. After that, anything could happen. He hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything else all week, thinking about the possibilities. 

His mind went in circles, flashing back to the feel of Alex in his hand, the desperate sounds Alex made, right up against his ear. If they hadn’t been interrupted, how far would he have gone? How far would they have gone? John got hot just thinking about it. It wasn’t like it was the first time doing things like that (he and Francis hadn’t done _everything,_ thank god, but they definitely did a lot more than kissing), but the thought of doing those things with Alex felt like something else entirely. His feelings were all over the place. He was scared and excited, nervous but impatient. The anticipation was gonna kill him. 

It was a fun car ride over. Alex and Lafayette fought over who got control of the AUX cord while John took a video of New York skyline rolling past them out the window. The boys played a rousing game of Would You Rather, where they discovered Alex would fuck an alpaca before he fucked Jefferson.

“I know the alpaca would treat me right!” Alex defended himself over everyone’s laughter. 

“I don’t know, alpacas can get very feisty.” Lafayette said between giggles. 

“You’re so not allowed to call me horse fucker anymore.” Hercules said. 

“John is the only one who understands me!” Alex declared. “Right? Babe?” 

“I don’t know…” John said, still laughing. “If I’ve gotta compete with animals too, I don’t know if I can do this.” 

Alex looked utterly betrayed. “Et tu, Brute?” 

They lapsed back into quiet moments, where Lafayette would go back to napping against the window and Hercules would focus on driving. During those times, Alex and John would exchange soft words and lazy kisses, staring at each other like they were the only two people in the world.

When John let his hand go up Alex’s shirt, Herc said, “Hey, keep it PG back there.” 

The stern look he gave them through the rearview mirror made them pull away from each other. 

“Sorry, Dad.” John said, then trailed a hand up Alex’s thigh, and Alex fell for him just a little bit more. 

“If Hercules is the dad, does that mean I’m the mom?” Lafayette said, yawning. 

Alex snorted. “Yeah, the type of mom who gets wine drunk at 2:00pm.” 

Lafayette threw his sleep mask at him. “Don’t talk to your mother like that.” 

On the last stretch of the drive, Alex and John fell asleep themselves. Alex slept sitting up with his back against the car door, while John laid down with his head on Alex’s chest. Alex wrapped an arm around John’s waist to keep him secure, and John let the sound of Alex’s steady heartbeat lull him to sleep. Hercules wanted to yell at them to put their seatbelts back on, but they looked so peaceful. 

They didn’t open their eyes again until Lafayette said, “We’re here!” 

The lake house was huge, sat up on top of a platform with rustic wood paneling and a long wraparound porch. The house overlooked the lake, which shimmered under the bright sun. John stood outside in awe, taking in the scenery. It was so peaceful here, as if the trees had been waiting for them. 

He was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of a car honking behind him. He turned around to see a white BMW convertible, with Angelica standing up in the driver’s seat. 

“Hey, assholes!” she called. “Help us with our bags!” 

Yeah, it was going to be a great weekend. 

***

Alex had a plan for how he wanted each day to go, naturally. Go swimming with his friends, come up with excuses for him and John to sneak back to the house alone, have fun making dinner as a group, play footsies with John under the table, have movie marathons, sneak into John’s bed after everyone fell asleep. A basic, reasonable plan. 

It went to shit right off the bat. 

The guys take their rooms on the first floor of the house and the girls on the second. After everyone had unpacked their bags and had some time to relax after the long car ride, they decided as a group to go straight to the lake. After all, it was a nice day out and there was no point in waiting. 

Alex went to peek in John’s room, to see if they could spend some time together while everyone was getting changed. But John’s room was empty, so Alex left a note he wrote that morning on John’s dresser and went outside to find his friends. 

The sun was shining down and the summer air felt great. The sisters looked beautiful in their bikinis, but no one looked better than John in his swim trunks, with his long legs on display and freckles splashed across his chest and back. Alex stared at him unabashedly while John was talking to Eliza.

“Close your mouth,” Herc said, coming up from behind him. 

They all walked down to the shore together. John got up on the dock and stared down at the clear, rippling water. 

“It looks cold.” he said. 

“You’ll get used to it once you’re in the water,” Angelica told him. 

“And when it’s hot like this, the colder the better.” Peggy said. 

“Before anyone gets in the water, lotion up!” Lafayette held up some bottles of sunscreen, which they all took. 

“Wow, you really are the mom friend.” Alex laughed, which earned him a playful shove from Lafayette. 

Alex was in the middle of considering whether or not it’d be suspicious if he helped John lotion (and also staring at John as he ran some lotion down his legs, because who could blame him), when he heard Eliza ask Angelica if she had anymore sunscreen.

“I’ve got some.” he offered. He walked over and squirted some into her palm.

“Thank you,” she said. Eliza rubbed some of it on her face then reached around to try and spread some on her back. 

Eliza’s back was especially sensitive to the sun, as Alex knew from several unfortunate beach trips they’d gone on together. If she didn’t lotion up well now, she was going to spend weeks after with red and peeling skin. And because they were friends, Alex wasn’t going to let her go out like that.

“Here, Eliza, I’ve got your back.” He put some sunscreen on his palms and began rubbing his hands together.

Eliza blushed. “Oh, that’s alright, I’m fine.” 

Alex shook his head and gently turned her around. “Don’t worry about it, I got you.” 

“Are you sure this is okay?” Eliza asked as he slipped his hands under her bikini and rubbed all over her back. 

“Hey, I don’t need an excuse to help out a pretty girl.” Alex reassured her. 

Eliza laughed. “Your mouth is gonna get you into trouble one day.” 

“I thought my mouth was your favorite part about me?” he said, which made Eliza giggle again. 

For some reason, Alex’s back pricked with the weight of everyone’s eyes on him. But when he turned around, everyone looked away. Weird. 

He gave Eliza’s back a friendly pat when he was done. “Alright, you’re good.” 

“Thank you, Alexander.” she smiled. Alex always liked the way his full name sounded like music when she said it. 

Alex turned around and walked right up to John, who was staring hard at the ground. 

“I ran out of sunscreen,” he said, loud enough so everyone could hear. “Wanna come with me to find some more?” 

John looked up at him, and Alex almost flinched at the ice cold expression in his eyes. “Nope. I’m sure Laf knows where it is.” 

Then John brushed past him to rush down to the shore, calling back, “Anyone getting in the water with me?” Peggy and Herc ran down after him. 

Alex, embarrassed since he made a big deal about getting sunscreen, said to Lafayette, “Can you show me?” 

Lafayette gave him an unimpressed look. “Sure, let’s go.” 

When they got back in the house, Alex said, “Is it me or was John acting weird? 

“Oh no, he is definitely very mad at you.” Lafayette replied, digging through the supply closet. 

“Mad? Why would he be mad at me?” 

Lafayette stopped his motions to glare at Alex. “Other than the softcore porno demonstration you were performing with Eliza, you mean?”

Alex physically recoiled at that statement. “What? What are you talking about? I was helping Eliza out, that’s all.”

“Yes, we saw.” Lafayette said wryly. “You took your sweet time helping her out and said, what was it, ‘I thought you liked my mouth’? _Merde,_ John’s face got so red I thought he was going to blow up.”

Alex shook his head furiously. “You’re wrong. I was just joking around, John knows that.” 

Lafayette closed the closet door, hands full of sunscreen. “I’m not sure he does.” 

Alex stormed away, saying. “You’re wrong.” 

“Fine, I’m wrong! Believe what you want!” Lafayette called after him. 

_Lafayette’s full of shit,_ Alex thought to himself. Alex took some deep breaths as he walked back down to the lake, trying to calm himself. Lafayette was blowing shit way out of proportion as usual. He hadn’t done anything with Eliza that he wouldn’t do with any of his friends, John would know that. John was probably just eager to get in the water, that was why he didn’t come with Alex. And that was fine, there were plenty of opportunities later to sneak away for a quick makeout session. He definitely wasn’t _mad_ at Alex. 

Alex was ready to laugh the whole thing off with John and shove Lafayette’s words out of his mind. Except for the rest of the day, John avoided him like he was the plague. 

When they all got out of the water, he walked right past Alex before he could say anything and said, “I call first shower!” 

He went straight from the shower to the family room, where everyone was hanging out, so Alex couldn’t get him alone then. Whenever he tried to sit near John, John would make an excuse to get up then sit somewhere else when he came back. When the girls offered to get groceries for dinner, John said he’d go with them. 

Alex grabbed his wrist as the girls went to their rooms to grab their shoes. “Are you sure you want to go?” With the sisters out of the house, they could have some actual alone time. 

John pulled his hand away and wouldn’t look at him. “Yep.”

He walked to his room without giving Alex a second glance, and Alex felt sick to his stomach. 

Once John and the girls left, he slumped onto the couch and threw an arm over his eyes. “Okay, I think John is mad at me.” 

“No shit.” Hercules said. 

“I won’t say I told you so, since you look like you’re in so much pain.” Lafayette said. “But, you know.” 

“So how do I get him to stop being mad at me?” 

“I don’t know, that was pretty bad.” Herc made a face. “Even Peggy covered her eyes.” 

_“Oui,_ I’ve never seen John look that upset before.” Lafayette added.

“I get it, I’m a fuck up, alright?” Alex snapped, sitting up. “This isn’t helping.” 

“Don’t take out your frustrations on us.” Lafayette said. “Just get on your hands and knees and beg for his forgiveness. Really beg. You’re John’s biggest soft spot, so I’m sure he’ll forgive you if you wear him down.” 

But John wasn’t willing to even give him a chance to beg. When he finally managed to corner John in the dining room, it went disastrously. 

The sisters were cooking dinner in the kitchen, and Hercules helped him out by volunteering himself and John to set out the plates on the table. 

When Alex walked in, Herc said, “Oh, fuck, I’ve got that thing to take care of.” 

John wasn’t having any of it. “Seriously, man?” 

Hercules had the decency to at least look apologetic. “Sorry, bro.”

Herc fled the dining room and then it was the two of them. He saw each thought flash across John’s face like it was printed on his forehead, because he _knew_ John. John was weighing whether or not to straight up leave, but knew that doing that would make it painfully obvious that he was avoiding Alex. So he opted to stand there and say nothing. 

“Really? You’re not gonna talk to me?” These were the first words Alex said, when he meant to say, “I’m sorry”. 

John’s lips flattened into a straight line. “I’m talking to you right now.” 

Bad start, Alex tried again. “I’m sorry, John. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Shouldn’t have done what?” John’s voice lashed at him like a whip. “Are you actually sorry or are you just saying what Laf and Herc told you to say?” 

Alex bristled at that. “I _am_ sorry. But you know that me and Eliza are just friends. You of all people should know that.”

“So because I know that, I should just be cool with you putting your hands all over someone else? Someone who _likes_ you, by the way.” 

“She does not.” 

“Just because it’s not convenient for you, doesn’t mean it’s not true.” John’s words were hushed and furious. “But I forgot, Alex’s feelings are the only ones that matter.” 

“John.” 

“So feel her up on the fucking dinner table if you want. As long as _you’re_ okay with it, that’s all that matters.” 

John stormed out, just as Eliza called from the kitchen. “Boys, the pasta is done!”

Naturally, they sat as far apart from each other as they could, and didn’t look in the other’s direction for the entire meal. Well, that wasn’t true. Even when John was mad at him (and truthfully, he was a little mad at John too), Alex couldn’t stop glancing at him. This was their first fight, and Alex hoped they didn’t have many more. His heart couldn’t take it. It took everything in him to smile and laugh along with everyone when all he wanted to do was go to John and beg him to at least _look_ at him. 

**RSquad the Sequel (this time with women!)**

**pegging rights:** is it me or is the mood ass rn 

“Peggy, you sent that in the group chat.” Angelica said. 

“Oops,” Peggy said, inhaling her pasta, but she didn’t look that sorry. 

After the dinner, the group picked up the popcorn and candy the girls had bought at the store and headed over to the basement, where they planned to have an all night movie marathon. 

“I’m exhausted. I think I’m gonna take a quick nap before I join you guys.” John said, and everyone stopped in their tracks. 

“What? Come on, John.” Angelica said. 

“We’re gonna watch Harry Potter, your favorite.” Eliza gave her best puppy dog eyes. “You have to come.” 

“I’m not going to bed, just a quick nap. Like 20, 30 minutes.” John insisted. 

Everyone reluctantly agreed. “If you’re not back by _Prisoner of Azkaban,_ I’m jumping on your bed.” Peggy warned. 

Alex jumped in front of him after the girls went downstairs. “Look, I’ll stay upstairs, okay? Eliza’s right, Harry Potter’s your favorite. I don’t want you to miss it because of me.” 

“Not everything is about you, Alex.” He didn’t even sound angry now, just tired. “It’s been a long day. I want to take a nap. Do I have your permission?” 

Even though every part of Alex wanted to follow him, he let John move past him without a fight.

***

John fell face first onto his bed, feeling like dogshit. He was well aware that he was overreacting, but it was too late for him to stop. And honestly, was he? Wouldn’t anyone be mortified watching their boyfriend lotion up their ex in front of all their friends, even if half of them don’t know he’s their boyfriend? 

That’s what burned John up the most, when he really thought about it. He wanted to say something to Alex right there, but he couldn’t. Because he was Alex’s “friend” and it wasn’t any of his business who Alex rubbed lotion on. It made more sense for Alex to do that with Eliza than for Alex to be with him. 

If he let Alex tell the Schuylers they were dating, none of this would be happening. He knew that. But how could Alex say they were dating and that John was special to him, then turn around and touch someone else like that? In front of him and all his friends? John’s thoughts went in circles like this all day, which is why he avoided Alex. If they were together for too long, John would explode. 

Alex’s face floated up in his mind. The way they fought, the way he looked at John as if John had punched him in the gut, it made him ill. He wanted to take every word back, but he was _pissed._ He still was, to be honest. All of this made him question how serious Alex was about him. 

John felt in his pocket for his phone, but ended up brushing against an unfamiliar piece of paper. He pulled out a folded piece of paper, and remembered finding it on his dresser after his shower. He guessed it must’ve been written before all the shit at the lake, because even Alex wouldn’t try to pass him a note after all that. When he saw it he almost threw it away on reflex, then held himself back. After all, the letter had words Alex wrote for him. He couldn’t just throw it away like that. 

John sighed, then went to the kitchen to see if any Twizzlers were left upstairs. He went straight to the pantry and found some chips instead. When he closed the door, Lafayette was standing right behind it. 

John jumped right out of his skin. “Jesus, Lafayette! Fuck, I thought you were a ghost!” 

“I think you’ve punished Alex enough for one night, don’t you?” Lafayette said, ignoring everything he said. 

John stiffened. “That’s none of your business, sorry.” 

Lafayette gave a long-suffering sigh, and walked over to the counter. “Alex is stupid. He’s the stupidest smart person who has ever walked the planet. But he does love you, that’s the one thing about him that no one can debate.” 

John whipped around, heart pounding. “Love? What are you—he doesn’t _love—”_

Lafayette rolled his eyes hard. “You won’t say, he won’t say it, so I, your dearest friend, will say it for the two of you. He loves you, John, just as you love him. He loves you in a way that you should never be jealous over anyone ever, because no one else exists to him once you walk into a room. That nonsense with Eliza was idiotic of him, yes, but he only acts that way because it’s so obvious to him that you’re on another level than everyone else.”

“I…” John didn’t know how to respond to that. 

Lafayette smiled. “I know. It’s none of my business. But you are both my closest friends, and I hate to see either of you hurting. And to be honest, you two are _really_ killing the mood.” 

John laughed, unable to help himself. Even when he felt his worst, Lafayette understood exactly what to say to draw him out of his shell. “Thanks, Laf.”

“Any time,” Lafayette winked. 

He made his way back to the basement, leaving John to process his words. It wasn’t that he thought Lafayette was lying, but it was hard to believe him. He was just some gangly, closeted kid from South Carolina, while Alex had been surrounded by the richest and hottest people of New York. Why would someone like him inspire that deep of a feeling in Alex, with all his rules and baggage? It didn’t make any sense. 

He still had the note in his hand, and finally decided to unfold and read it. 

_A Perfect List of Perfect Things About J. Laurens_

  * _his eyes (especially in the moonlight or when he’s talking about something he’s really into or when he’s looking at you or basically all the time)_


  * _his smile (especially the one where all his teeth are showing and his nose scrunches up and you’d jump backwards off a cliff just to see it again)_


  * _his laugh (it sounds a little bit like a donkey but you love it anyway)_


  * _his mouth (boy oh fucking BOY I’d need a whole other letter to talk about this)_


  * _his whole face really_


  * _the way he gets all tough when someone messes with someone he cares about_


  * _his never-ending list of facts on marine animals (steve irwin wishes he had what John has)_


  * _even when it’s hard, even when he’s scared, when it’s important he stands up for himself and his friends_


  * _I can’t put it all down on paper right now, John, but I’ll spend the rest of my life writing this list_



_Do NOT let Laf or Herc see this. They’ll make fun of me forever. I’m pretty sure I’m still star spangled banner in both their phones :(((_

_Yrs forever,_

_A. Ham_

John cleared his throat, trying to blink back the tears that threatened to spill over. He wasn’t very good at being mad at Alex. He reread the letter over and over again, and all he wanted to do was hold Alex close to him and breathe him in. 

“John.” 

And there Alex was, as if he heard John’s heart calling for him. John had never seen him look so timid and meek before, as if he was barely holding himself together. 

“Please don’t walk away. Just listen to me.” Alex begged. “I’m so sorry. If I made you feel like I don’t care about your feelings, then I’ve really fucked up and I’m sorry. But you have to talk to me. I can’t fix anything if you don’t tell me how I hurt you.” 

“I know, I’m sorry too.” He walked around the counter to pull Alex into a hug. “I should’ve talked to you.” 

“Please.” Alex sagged into the hug, like he’d let the weight of the world fall down on him. “I don’t care if you yell at me or curse me out. Just talk to me, alright? Don’t shut me out.” 

John nodded, resting his cheek on Alex’s head. “Well, for starters, don’t rub up anyone who’s not me. Like not even Herc.” 

“He’s gonna be so disappointed.” 

John laughed. “I know, I’m sorry. I don’t know how to explain it just…there’s things I’d only do with you, you know? I want there to be things you only do with me, because I’m different from your friends or people you’ve dated before.” 

Alex clutched him tighter. “You are different.”

 _You’re on another level than everyone else,_ the words echoed in his head, but John shook them off. It was too much to think about right now. He tilted Alex’s head up and kissed him, and it was like drinking ice cold water at the end of a hot day. 

“Can we go downstairs? To be honest, I was pretty excited to watch Harry Potter.” John said. 

“Yeah, just give me a few more seconds.” Alex pulled him down again. “This is the first time we’ve been alone all day.” 

They creeped down to the basement a little while later, and crawled under the big blanket Angelica and Peggy were sharing on the couch. If they were holding hands under the covers, no one had to know but them. 

***

The next day was a hell of a lot better. Everyone else fell asleep in a pile somewhere between _Order of the Phoenix_ and _Half Blood Prince,_ but John and Alex managed to wake up early enough before everyone and sneak off to Alex’s room. 

“Just hold me,” John said, curling up at Alex’s side. 

“You don’t even have to ask.” Alex held him close and stroked his hair, till they both fell asleep again. 

After breakfast, the gang walked up the trail, down to a secret spot where Lafayette swore the water felt great. Hercules carried the rope, which they were gonna tie to a tree branch and use to swing into the water. 

“Lafayette, if you come any closer I will drown you.” Angelica warned, though her usually fearsome tone was undercut by the way she edged away from Lafayette, who held a worm in his hand. 

Lafayette wiggled the worm around. “What’s wrong, _ma belle?_ Don’t you want to meet my new friend?” 

“Lafayette…”

Lafayette broke out into a dead sprint in Angelica’s direction, and Angelica shrieked and ran away. 

“Laf, where are you going? You’re the only one who knows the way!” Hercules shouted. “Peggy, get down.” 

He was giving Peggy a piggyback ride, since she had worn him down all morning until he agreed. “Nope.” she said, and held on tighter. 

Alex walked next to John and Eliza, who were wrapped up in their own conversation without him. 

“No one ever wants to go hiking with me! We should go to some trails once we get back.” Eliza said excitedly. 

“I’d love to.” John said. “Back home, I’d try to get my siblings to go on walks with me, but they’d just complain the whole way.” 

Eliza nodded in agreement. “Same! Peggy drags her feet and Angelica stays on her phone the whole time.” 

Alex never thought the day would come where he’d be jealous of Eliza, but there was something about the way her and John hit it off that made a tiny part of Alex feel a little left out. He had to urge to do something stupid to move John’s attention back to him, like a little kid. Though, the two of them together were a sight for sore eyes. Watching two of the most beautiful people he knew, talking and laughing together, was Alex’s own personal idea of heaven. 

They finally came across a large body of water surrounded by the trees. The water was a little warm from where the sun was shining on it directly, and the air was filled with the sound of cicadas and birdsong. 

Lafayette stood in front of a tree with low hanging, sturdy branches. “Who knows how to tie a good knot?”

John raised his hand, then went to take the rope from Hercules’ hands. “I didn’t do Boy Scouts for nothing.”

“You did Boy Scouts? Like you wore the uniform and everything?” Angelica said, absolute glee in her voice. 

“Yes, I wore the uniform and no, I’m gonna show you any pictures of me in it ever.” John walked over to the tree. 

Angelica and Peggy looked at each other, then burst out laughing. “The image is enough of a gift, thank you.” 

John stretched his long arms up and hauled himself up a branch. The effort made his shirt ride up, showing a peek of his defined abs, and Alex found his eyes darting everywhere else. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to control his expression if he let himself look at John. 

John pushed himself up to stand on the branch, then tied a complicated knot with the rope around the branch above him. He dropped the end of the rope and let it swing down. 

Lafayette wolf whistled. “Laurens, you’re so sexy!” 

“You can tie me up in rope any day,” Peggy smirked, which earned her a smack on the shoulder from Eliza. 

Alex ached to say, _Me fucking too,_ but he didn’t think he could make the words sound like a joke. And there was a bit of a sour taste in his mouth that he had to make it a joke and pretend like he didn’t want to push John up against that tree and kiss him in front of everyone. 

So instead, he pulled off his shirt and said, “Are you guys done eyeing up John? Let’s get in the water.” 

Angelica smirked as she undressed too. “Aw, don’t be jealous, Alex. You’re still the prettiest girl at the ball.” 

Alex forced a laugh out. “Damn right.” 

They swung into the water one by one, screaming the whole way through. Hercules landed in the water with such a splash that it pushed everyone backwards and submerged anyone who was near him. 

“Warn us before you bring the thunder next time, Herc.” Alex said, spitting up water. 

The mood was much more relaxed than yesterday. Peggy was floating in the water, looking blissful. Lafayette and Hercules were trying to dunk each other, and Eliza, Angelica, John, and Alex were engaged in a game of Chicken. Angelica was on Alex’s shoulders and Eliza was on John’s, and the two sisters tried to push each other in the water. 

Alex and John’s eyes met and Alex whispered to him, “Should we?” 

John nodded. “Let’s do it.” 

They flipped both girls into the water and swam away from the both of them before they had to face their wrath. It was a good time. 

When they got tired of swimming, they all walked back to the area near the house and decided to play a round of Zombie Tag. John sat out, saying, “Y’all wouldn’t stand a chance if I was in there.” 

He got his sketchbook from his room and sat down against a tree. He smiled as he watched his friends chase after one another. They were all some of the coolest people he’d ever known, but they had no problem acting like little kids sometimes. It made John appreciate them even more.

He flipped through his sketchbook to see if there were any sketches he wanted to continue working on. So far he’d drawn a group picture of the Schuyler sisters, a picture of Laf with the stuff they’d drawn all over his face since he was the first one to fall asleep last night, various mini portraits of bugs and plants he’d seen. And of course littered on each page were little drawings of Alex. He decided to start fresh on a blank page and draw Alex with butterflies in his hair, inspired by the single butterfly that landed on his head as they made the walk back.

He was so focused on his drawing that he didn’t look up until he felt something heavy drop onto his lap. He looked under his sketchbook to see Alex’s shining eyes staring up at him. 

John moved his sketchbook to one hand so he could brush back Alex’s hair with the other. “What, you’re out already?” 

“No, I’m hiding in plain sight. Everyone’s too busy trying to hunt down Lafayette.” Alex closed his eyes, leaning into John’s touch. “I missed you.” 

John’s heart swelled. “I missed you too. You know, this is why Lafayette calls us, how you say, clingy?” he said, doing a terrible French accent. 

Alex’s eyes popped open. “You’re not allowed to tie knots in front of anyone anymore.” he said, as if the thought just came to him.

John laughed out of surprise. “Why not?” 

Alex sat up to press his head against John’s shoulder. “It’s too sexy. I saw the girls were looking at you and I couldn't even be mad. There’s no one who wouldn’t fall for you watching double knot rope.” 

John flushed at the idea at anyone ever finding him sexy. “I think the sun is getting to you. Or do you have a rope kink you wanna tell me about?” 

John was joking, but the look in Alex’s eyes dried all the words in his throat.

“I could.” Alex said, eyes trailing down to his lips. “If it’s you, I could.” 

John cleared his throat and pulled his shirt away from himself, feeling a little hot under the collar. 

Alex moved away to grab John’s sketchbook, and John let himself breathe again. He was barely able to stop from launching himself at Alex. 

“I wish I looked half as good as I do when you draw me.” Alex murmured. 

“You do.” John traced his hands down one of the drawings. “This is how you look to me all the time.” 

Alex smiled. “Can you draw me a picture of you? I look like an asshole having a box of only pictures of me.”

John’s smile dimmed a little. “I can try, but it won’t look as nice.” 

John didn’t draw many self portraits because when he looked at himself for long periods of time, all he found were flaws. His teeth were too big, he had too many freckles all over his face, his hair was “unkempt”, as his father liked to say. He wished he looked more like Alex, with his dark eyes and clear face and smooth hair. 

“I hope you’re not thinking something stupid.” Alex said. “You’re beautiful, John. You knock me out.” 

John looked away, blushing hard. Before he could respond, Peggy popped up out of nowhere from across the forest. “Alex, are you out?” she called out.

“Oh, fuck.” Alex groaned. 

He stood up and put his hands out. “Peggy, let’s think about this.”

A devilish smile appeared on Peggy. She shouted as loud as she could, “Guys, Alex isn’t a zombie yet!” 

The answering yells filled Alex with dread. “I’ll talk to you later.” 

He ran in the opposite direction, and the rest of the gang chased after him. John went back to drawing, and he sat back and soaked in how happy he was. 

***

“Alex, Truth or Dare?” Angelica said, with a smirk on her face that meant trouble. 

Alex groaned. “Oh no.”

It was nighttime, and they were sitting around the bonfire Lafayette started in the outdoor firepit. Once their stomachs were filled with s’mores and alcohol, Peggy suggested they play Truth or Dare. 

“Here we go,” Hercules had said. “Let me finish my drink first.” 

Everyone guzzled down their beer bottles, and it made John a little nervous. “Why’s everyone acting like we’re about to go to war?” 

“We are, _mon ami.”_ Lafayette wiped his mouth. “This is your first Truth and Dare with us, so let me tell you now: every person sitting around you is a demon!”

“Don’t be such a baby, Laf.” Angelica said. “He’s only saying that because we dared him to chug this unholy mixture of drinks last year.” 

“I was blind in one eye for a couple of days!” Lafayette cried, which made Angelica roll her eyes. 

Once the game started, John began to understand what Lafayette was talking about. Peggy made Hercules eat a huge spoonful of the old horseradish from the back of the pantry, Lafayette dared Eliza to act like a dog for five minutes, which sent the group into fits of laughter every time she nuzzled someone’s side and barked. They didn’t go easy on John either, as Eliza dared him to put a whole bunch of ice straight from the tray down his pants. John hopped around like he was possessed, to everyone’s utter delight. 

The truths weren’t much easier. Everyone blushed as Angelica described her dirtiest fantasy, without shame. When Herc got asked who had the best ass in the group, John was taken by surprise when Hercules said him. 

“I can say that loud and proud.” Hercules said. “A good ass deserves to be appreciated.” 

Eliza nodded sagely. “It’s a nice butt.” 

“Um, thanks?” John said, unsure how to respond. 

“It’s such a good butt,” Alex slurred, leaning on John. 

John laughed along with everyone, trying to cover up his sudden blush. 

He found himself glancing over Angelica and Eliza from time to time, and every time he did he saw the two sisters intensely whispering to one another. The irritated look on Eliza’s face piqued John’s interest. What was Angelica saying to her? 

But the way she was looking at Alexander as she asked him Truth or Dare filled John with dread. Whichever Alex chose, John was sure he wasn’t gonna like it. 

“Dare.” Alex said. “I don’t need you getting inside my head.” 

Angelica smiled even wider. “Great! I dare you to kiss someone for 30 seconds.” 

The air went silent, save for the sound of the fire crackling.

Alex’s arm slipped off from where he’d been casually resting it on John’s shoulders, and Eliza flushed an angry red. 

“Angelica—” she started. 

“What? We always do a dare like this.” Angelica cut her off. She turned back to Alex. “So? Pick someone.”

The blood was rushing in John’s ears. He forced himself to remain calm, for his face to remain blank because it wasn’t a big deal. He knew that Alex wasn’t gonna kiss Eliza, obviously, but he also knew Alex wasn’t going to kiss him either, and that brought down his spirits more than anything. 

Alex got up, kneeled down in front of Hercules, and kissed him right on the lips. Hercules’ eyes went wide and he let out a muffled sound of surprise. Everyone was so busy hooting and hollering that they forgot to count down, so Alex pulled away once he thought he’d satisfied the dare well enough. 

Alex batted his eyelashes. “Did you feel something, Herc, or was that just me?”

Hercules wiped his mouth. “Yeah, your nasty ass Pringles breath in my face. How many chips did you eat?” 

Lafayette was rolling on the floor, he was laughing so hard. “I’ll try not to be offended you didn’t choose _moi.”_

If Angelica was upset by this turn of events, she didn’t show it on her face. “I’ve seen you kiss better than that, Alex.” 

“Fuck all you guys.” Alex shot back. When he took back his place next to John, he sat a little closer than before and pressed their shoulders together. John leaned into the touch, but he wouldn’t make eye contact with Alex. 

“Stop laughing, Laf, it’s time.” Alex grabbed Lafayette’s shoulder. “Time for you to get into the water.”

Lafayette cut off his laughter like a record scratch, and his face went pale. “No. No. I choose Truth. Truth!” 

“Did I ask? Nope, I’m daring you to get in the water. Naked.” 

Herc and the girls roared at this. “Don’t be a chicken, Laf!” Peggy said. 

Lafayette stood up, looking like a man being sent to his execution. “I cannot let my honor be challenged like this. So if you’re telling me to go in the water, I will.” 

Alex nodded solemnly. “I am.” 

“Do not think I’ll forget this.” Lafayette’s eyes were blazing, and he strode down to the lake. Everyone raced after him except John and Alex, who trailed behind. 

“Are you okay?” Alex asked instantly. “I didn’t want to do it, but I knew if I said no Angelica would—”

“Alex, stop. I’m fine.” John waved him off. “It’s just a dare.” 

Alex let out a huge sigh of relief. “Thank god. Just so you know, you’re the one I really wanted to kiss.” 

John put on a look of fake surprise. “Really? Damn, I really wanted to see you and Angelica go at it.” 

Alex shoved him and John shoved back, and they laughed together. As soon as Alex turned his back to catch up with the rest of the group, John let the smile drop from his face. He took one breath, then another. Then he pasted a smile on his and ran to catch up with the group, just in time to see Lafayette’s naked outline cannonballing into the water. He cheered along with his friends, and tried to shove down all the unpleasant feelings rising in him.

Later, when John laid in his own bed, his mind flashed back to Alex’s lips on Herc’s, Angelica’s eyes on Alex, the look on Eliza’s face. He felt overwhelmed by his own feelings. It wasn’t that he was jealous or anything, he was just…sad. It was his fault all that happened, because he was afraid to be open about his relationship with Alex. He forced Alex to do something he didn’t want to do just to protect his feelings, and it made him feel like crap.

But when he let himself think that maybe Alex deserved someone better than him, his heart rioted against him. At his core, he didn’t want to let Alex go. The strength of his feelings surprised him. He never let himself get so attached to someone before, not even Francis. He was used to keeping everyone at arm’s length, but he wanted to pull Alex even closer to him. He wanted something to tie the two of them together, to leave an impression on Alex and let Alex leave an impression on him. An urge rose up in him so strong that it forced him out of bed and out the door. To Alex.

***

Alex’s eyes fluttered a little when he heard his door creak open, but he paid it no mind. Then the covers lifted and a familiar scent filled his nostrils. It smelled like home, and he thought, _John._ His arms automatically reached forward to drag John closer to him, and he buried his nose in his curly hair. 

He felt John’s lips on his neck, pressing soft kisses into his skin. “Alex, wake up.” 

Alex groaned, unwilling to move. “What is it?” 

“Let’s go for a swim.” John whispered. 

“My trunks are still in the wash.” Alex mumbled, still half asleep. 

“You don’t need them,” John said, and got out of bed. “I wasn’t planning on wearing anything.”

That woke Alex up better than the strongest brew of coffee in the world. John walked out the door, and Alex scrambled after him. 

They were silent as they walked down to the lake. John led the way, hands reaching back to intertwine with Alex’s as Alex walked behind him. There were no words to describe all the feelings running through both of the boys at the moment, so they stayed quiet and took in chirps of the bugs and croaks of the frogs filling the air. They walked a little further down from the house than usual, then stopped. 

Alex moved up to stand next to John and they faced each other, hands clasped together. Their eyes met, and it took Alex’s breath away the way the fireflies floating around them lit John’s eyes up. His hair was blowing in the breeze, his pulse was racing under Alex’s fingertips, and Alex’s whole body ached for John so badly he thought it would kill him. 

“Are you sure about this?” he asked. He had to. 

“Yes, I’m sure.” John said, then in one smooth motion, he took off his shirt. 

Alex’s mouth flopped open and closed. He wasn’t a virgin, but there was something about doing this with John that made everything feel like it was the first time. His heart was pounding, his palms were sweating, and his body locked up with nerves. 

“Are you gonna stare at me or are you gonna take off your clothes?” John gave him a nervous smile, then turned around and took off his pants. Then, after a deep breath, his boxers too. 

John jumped into the water without looking at Alex, and it spurred Alex into action. He quickly took off his clothes and jumped in after him. 

They stared at each other for a moment, wary and waiting to see what the other would do. Then Alex broke the tension and said, “Wanna race?” 

John smiled, relieved. “You’re on.” 

They swam laps back and forth. Alex kicked and shoved John the whole way through, making the both of them laugh. 

“You’re such a cheater!” John complained.

“You’ve got long arms! How am I supposed to compete?” Alex shot back. 

John splashed him in the face. “Cheater.” 

Alex blinked slowly, then wiped his face. “Be careful, John. You’re playing with fire.” 

He splashed Alex again. “Cheater.” he repeated slowly. 

All bets were off then. They assaulted each other with the water, splashing each other ferociously. Like Alex said, John’s long arms gave him much more of an advantage. He found himself diving underwater to avoid John’s more powerful attacks. Finally, after fighting the good fight, he had to surrender. 

“Alright, you win!” Alex said as John sent an avalanche of water his way. 

John wasn’t listening to him, though. He was too caught up in the exhilartion of splashing someone without restraint. 

Alex had to grab his hands to get him to stop. “You win!” 

John wriggled in his grasp, but Alex held fast. They laughed and laughed until the sound of their laughter tapered off, leaving only the sounds of their breathing. They were inches from each other, and the smiles slipped off their face. Alex’s eyes flitted from John’s eyes to his lips and they stared at each other, waiting for the other to make a move. Alex wanted to do something, but he couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe— 

Then John, his bold, _sexy_ John, surged forward to pull him into a searing kiss. Alex moaned at the sensation of their mouths moving frantically against each other, John’s tongue probing deep in his mouth. John yanked his ponytail holder out and dug his fingers into Alex’s thick hair, tipping his head back and kissing him deeper.

Alex ran his hands up and down John’s back and pushed his body up against John’s, so that they were pressed together from head to toe. They both gasped at the contact. Alex pressed hot kisses under his jaw and couldn’t stop himself nipping the skin at the hollow of his neck. They grounded up against each other and he felt John’s dick move against his thigh, and Alex wanted to take and take and _take._

He didn’t remember moving from the water to the grass. One second they were in the lake, the next he was pushing John onto the ground and biting his bottom lip roughly, acting on pure instinct now. He grinded down and their dicks rubbed against each other, and John arched back with a gasp. Alex got caught up staring at the line of throat, his hair splayed out around him and his lips pink and glistening. It hit him all at once that he loved John, that he was _in love_ with him, and that simple truth threatened to overwhelm him completely. Everything felt so real all of sudden.

“Alex, please.” John said, voice frayed and desperate, and Alex decided to stop thinking for the night. 

He pinned John to the ground and rocked their hips together with powerful thrusts. John hooked his leg around Alex and gripped his back as Alex bore down onto him, each gasp from John pushing him to move faster and faster. It still wasn’t enough. Alex trailed his hand down, down John’s body, until his hand was grasping John’s cock. 

“Alex!” John dug his fingers in Alex’s back, which made Alex let out a moan of his own. 

“Can I…is this okay?” Alex panted. 

John nodded furiously. “Yes, please, _touch me_.” 

Alex could’ve come from those words alone. John’s dick was stiff and pulsating in his hand, and the slickness from the water made it easier for him to move his hand up and down as John writhed underneath him. 

“Oh, oh, oh!” Were the only words John managed to get out of his mouth. The pleasure that raced up his spine spread a heat throughout his entire body that threatened to burn him up, and he felt totally and completely helpless. He turned his head to the side, embarrassed by how shameless he was being. 

“Don’t look away.” Alex used his free hand to drag John’s gaze back to him. “You look beautiful like this, John. You’re stunning.”

John whimpered, toes curling. If Alex started talking on top of everything else, he wouldn’t last much longer. 

Their foreheads touched and they weren’t quite kissing, just breathing into each other’s mouths. John glanced down and saw Alex’s cock, rock solid and standing up in between them. He didn’t hesitate before he reached down and brushed against the hard member. 

Alex’s pace faltered as he moaned right into John’s shoulder. “John, fuck, you don’t have to…” 

“I want to.” John said, and reset his grip. “I’ve been thinking about this all week.” 

Alex let out a sound like John punched him. They jacked each other off with long strokes, driving each other up a cliff of passion until they had nowhere to go but over the edge. Alex slammed one last kiss on John’s lips and tangled his hand in his hair, and John came with a shudder and a soft moan. Alex followed not too long after, murmuring John’s name over and over again. 

The air was silent, save for the sound of their heavy breaths. After a moment, Alex rolled off of John to lay down next to him. Their hands reached for each other in the dark, and when their eyes met, they had matching expressions of euphoria on their faces. John laughed quietly, and Alex joined him.

 _I love you I love you I love you,_ the words rang like a siren in Alex’s head, but he didn’t have the voice to say them. He simply stared at John with a lovestruck look on his face, and held his hand tighter. 

***

They put back on their boxers, but laid back against the grass. They talked and talked for hours, until the sun came up. Their conversation moved from topic to topic with no rhyme or reason, just a desire to soak up as much about the other person as they could. 

“We used to go on trips like this, when Mom was alive.” John said. “Except we had a beach house, since my mom and my sisters love the beach.”

Alex stroked a hand up and down his back. “So that’s why you look so natural in the water.” 

John shrugged. “Yeah, I like swimming. But once she died, my dad never took us to the beach again. I think he’s sold the beach house by now.”

A pause, then Alex said, “I’ve never liked the water that much. I used to be terrified of it after a hurricane came through my hometown.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah. There’s no fear like huddling in a shelter as the wind and water take down everything you considered home. Even now, I think the worst way to die is drowning. Literally, you struggle and resist and fight, but there’s no oxygen, no hope, no sound. The life is being squeezed out of you and you’re all alone—”

“Alex.” John stroked his cheek, trying to bring him back to the present. 

Alex shook himself a little. “Sorry.” 

“It’s okay.” 

“I used to be so angry all the time.” Alex said. “Like after my father left I didn’t trust anyone for a while. That fucking asshole. You know he called me a couple of years after he walked out on my mom and me? Talking some bullshit like, ‘Sorry for being a piece of shit and knocking around you and your mom. Shit was difficult. Oh, you need money? Can’t help with that.’ I used to dream of tracking him down and beating the shit out of him.” 

“I’d give you a hand, what the fuck.” John said, disgusted.

Alex shook his head. “No, I’m over that now. Martha forced me to go to therapy and I learned to let all that anger go, little by little. I don’t understand why George and Martha didn’t send me back in the beginning, though. I was rude and unstable, and I’d wake them up at night with my nightmares. They put up with so much shit from me. I feel like I’ll never be able to make it up to them.” 

“You’re their son. It’s not like they’re doing you a favor, they love you.”

Alex grinned, happy just to hear the words. “I wanna make them proud. Especially George. It took me so long to believe in him, and he never stopped believing in me.” 

John kissed his forehead. “You will. You’re gonna blow us all away.” 

“If Dad was a terrible person from the start, I’d say fuck it, you know? Who gives a shit what he thinks?” John traced patterns on Alex’s palm. “But he wasn’t always like this. I mean, he was always strict with us, but that’s how dads are. He could be nice sometimes too, like he’d surprise us with McDonalds or take the whole family out on walks. He’s the one who got me into running. We used to go jogging together, when I was younger.” 

John swallowed thickly. “But then Mom died. He and my mom loved each other a lot, you know? She was the only one who knew how to make him smile, really smile, not the fake shit he flashes on TV. When she left us, it was like losing two parents. Dad was always out of the house, and when he was home he barely looked at us. I was the one raising the kids for a couple of years. But then he started getting involved in our lives again and acting like he gave a shit, and I thought things were gonna go back to normal.” 

“And?” Alex said, urging him to continue. 

“Now, I don’t remember what normal is.” John said bitterly. “I don’t know if he cares about me or cares about how the family will look to everyone else. But sometimes…sometimes he’s Dad again, and I think that if I could do what he wanted and make him happy, he might go back to how he used to be. With Mom gone, I could be the one to get him back to his old self.” 

“That’s not fair.” Alex said. “He’s the adult. He’s the one who should be fighting for you. He should feel lucky to have someone like you in his life.” 

John covered his face. “I just want him to be proud of me. I know it’s stupid, but he’s my dad. I just want my dad to be proud of me.” 

Alex embraced him. “I know, I know.” 

“I wish I met you sooner,” Alex confessed. “Like if we went to high school together? We would’ve had so much fun.” 

John imagined it for a moment, going to school with Alex and Lafayette and Hercules. “I don’t know. I think I would’ve avoided you guys at first. Flashy people like y’all would’ve made me nervous.”

Alex laughed. “The moment I saw you, I wouldn’t leave you alone. You’d be like ‘Who the hell is this?’ and I’d still stick to you till we were friends.” 

John closed his eyes, soaking up the fantasy. “It’s not like you’d have to try hard. Trust me, if I knew how to stay away from you, we wouldn’t be here right now.” 

“You’d look so good in the uniform too.” Alex groaned. Then he looked at John. “Actually, I still have mine if you ever wanted to, you know, try it on.” 

John looked scandalized. “Wow. We get to second base, and you wanna skip all the way over to roleplay? You’re kinkier than I thought.”

Alex smiled to himself and didn’t respond, prompting John to ask, “What?” 

“Nothing, just…” Alex shrugged, and smiled wider. “We got to second base.” 

John hit his shoulder lightly. “You’re such a kid.”

“When did you start liking me?” John asked, his head lying on Alex’s bare chest. It was something he’d been wondering about a lot. 

Alex’s eyes flicked upwards. “I don’t know. Maybe the first time you looked at me, up on the roof? Your eyes get so intense when you’re pissed, I would’ve done anything to keep you looking at me. I was definitely into you by the time you started screaming you were gay like a manic.”

“Hey, I was forced to say that by a maniac!” John said, which made Alex laugh. 

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you after that night.” he said. “What about you?” 

“Basically the same.” John admitted. “By the time you put your arms around me on that bench, it was game over.” 

Alex looked up at him. “Are you telling we could’ve been doing this since you got to New York?” 

John shrugged. “Yeah, most likely.” 

Alex groaned. “We wasted so much time!” 

John was going to say something, but then Alex spoke up again. “I guess it doesn’t matter. We’re here now, and we’re gonna be together from now on.” 

_Forever,_ the word laid unspoken between the two of them. John wasn’t someone who thought much past tomorrow, but for the first time he allowed himself to picture the future, with Alex in it. It was better than he thought he ever deserved. 

“Yeah.” John said, voice thick with emotion. Their feelings hung in the air, present but unspoken. 

When the sun began to rise up from the lake, the boys grabbed their clothes and went back to Alex’s room. There, they undressed again and climbed into bed. With gentle hands, they felt their way up and down every part of each other, until the other’s body was as familiar as their own. 

***

“Where the hell is Alex?” Angelica asked, setting plates out on the table. “He’s gonna miss breakfast.” 

“I didn’t think he knew how to sleep in.” Peggy commented. 

She looked across the table at Lafayette and Hercules. “Now that I’m thinking about it, where’s John?” 

Lafayette and Hercules froze, and it took everything in them not to look at each other. “John is brushing his teeth.” Lafayette lied.

Peggy stood up. “Alright, I’ll wake up Alex.” 

Lafayette stood up so fast, the chair almost tipped over. “I have something to ask Alex, so I’ll go get him.” 

He rushed off before Peggy could question him, and cursed at Alex and John under his breath. He’d gone to the bathroom late last night and heard the sound of the front door opening and closing, and guessed it probably wasn’t the sisters sneaking out for a late night dip. If what he thought happened, happened, it was no wonder they slept in. 

He knocked on the door and said, “Alex, wake up.” 

When he got no response, he opened the door and slipped in. “Alex, John, wake—” he cut himself off with a squeak. 

The covers were bunched around Alex’s waist, enough to show his bare torso. Alex was sleeping on his side, arm wrapped around John, who was similarly shirtless. And from what Lafayette could see, it didn’t look like either boy was wearing anything underneath the covers either. 

Lafayette counted backwards from ten to calm himself, then launched himself onto the bed. 

“Alex, John, wake up!” he shouted. 

Alex groaned, turning onto his back. “What the hell? Laf?” 

Lafayette flicked his forehead. “Yes, you should be lucky it’s me and not Peggy, who was about to come wake you up.” 

Alex’s eyes blinked open, then he clutched the covers to his chest once he’d realized where he was and what was going on. “Holy shit, what time is it?” 

“Noon. You’re lucky everyone slept a little late, or you would’ve missed breakfast.” 

“Noon?” Alex was usually the first one up, so this was a shock.

“Alex, go back to sleep.” John mumbled, eyes still closed. “We can go again in the morning, I promise.” 

Alex turned bright red and Lafayette said, “Unfortunately, John, you’ll both have to take a rain check on that.” 

John’s eyes flew open, and he sat up abruptly. “Shit, what’s going on?” 

Lafayette sighed. “What’s going on is you two are going to quickly make yourself decent and come out for breakfast. And I’m going to wait outside, because it’ll look suspicious if the two of you walk out together and I am the greatest friend to ever grace this Earth.”

“Yes, you are.” Alex said, rubbing his eyes. “Now, can you give us some privacy? The only one who gets to see John naked is me.” 

John blushed furiously and Lafayette rolled his eyes. “You two will be the death of me.” 

Lafayette got up and stepped out of the room. Before he closed the door behind him, he poked his head back in and said, “Oh, but don’t think I don’t want to hear _all_ the details later. You owe me a full story.” 

Alex threw a pillow at the door. “Get out!” 

Back at the dining room, Angelica went back to the kitchen to help Eliza with the pancakes, so it was just Peggy and Hercules sitting at the table. 

Peggy started up a game of Candy Crush on her phone and said, “Are Alex and John hooking up or what?”

Hercules choked on his water a little, taken aback by the sudden question. “No, they’re not. What makes you think that?” 

Peggy gave him a skeptical look. “Right now, I’m thinking that either they are hooking up and you think so too, or you know they’re hooking up and just won’t tell me. Because if you thought that was crazy, you would’ve treated me like I was crazy.” 

Herc cursed at himself. “I don’t know what they get up to when Laf and I aren’t around, but as far as I know, they’re not.” 

“You see it too though, right?” Peggy pushed on. “I’m not crazy? I mean, I’m not blind, I see the way Alex looks at John. And every time we don’t know where someone is, it’s always Alex and John. Oh, and what was that shit on Friday? They were acting like a couple in a fight.”

 _Because they were a couple in a fight._ Herc sighed inwardly. Alex and John were a terrible secret couple, and it was up to him to clean up their sloppy mistakes. 

Hercules leaned forward. “Okay, I’m gonna tell you something, but you can’t tell anyone else. Not Angelica, not Eliza. Promise?” 

Peggy nodded quickly, bouncing in her seat a little. She loved secrets. “Of course.” 

“Alex _likes_ John. He told me himself.” Hercules had no problem throwing Alex under the bus, since Alex was definitely more obvious about his feelings between the two. “But I don’t know if John feels the same. I’m not even sure he’s like _that,_ you know?” 

Peggy ate the lie up easily. “Yeah, he _is_ Senator Laurens’ son. I’d be surprised if he liked guys.” 

“I’m serious, you can’t tell anyone.” Herc insisted. “Alex's been trying hard to hide his feelings, but you know how he is.” 

“I won’t, I promise.” Peggy held her hand to her heart. “Poor Alex. I think they’d be so cute together.” 

“Do your sisters think something up too?” he asked, casual as ever. It was one thing to lie to Peggy, but the same tricks wouldn’t work on Angelica and Eliza. 

Peggy scoffed. “Who knows? You know how blind Eliza is when it comes to Alex, but even Angelica is acting weird. Even when I try to hint at it, Angelica ignores me like I didn’t say anything at all.” 

Peggy frowned down at her phone. “Like usual, they have their own team without me.” 

Hercules reached across to pat her hand in a comforting gesture. He knew how left out her older sisters made Peggy feel sometimes. “Want a piggyback ride after breakfast?” 

Peggy’s whole expression brightened. “Yes!” 

At that moment, Lafayette, Alex, and John burst into the dining room. Alex and John had their hair thrown into messy ponytails, and they kept glancing at each other and smiling. It was super obvious to Herc that something big had happened last night. When John brushed by Alex to get to his seat, Alex blushed. 

Peggy shot a look at Herc, looking a little sad for Alex. It was so crazy to him that anyone could look at John and not see how into Alex he was, and vice versa. To him, every part of both boys screamed how much they liked each other. 

Herc pulled his phone out under the table. 

**Hercules:** Something happened

 **oui oui mon ami:** Considering I stumbled upon them naked and wrapped around each other I’d say so 

**Hercules:**!!!

 **oui oui mon ami:** We’ll drag the whole story out of them later

Hercules looked up Lafayette, who winked at him. Herc shot him a tiny grin back, and secretly hoped that maybe something might happen between the two of them later in the day. 

Angelica and Eliza came in with platters piled high with stacks of pancakes, and the gang settled in for a nice breakfast together. 

***

Even though it was their last day at the lake house, they spent most of the day chilling in the house. They play Uno (though, it was impossible to get started since everyone had their own rules for playing) and Jenga. Alex wanted to play Monopoly, but everyone shut down that idea immediately. Monopoly had destroyed stronger friend groups than theirs. 

John and Alex snuck away multiple times throughout the day. It was a risky move, disappearing so much, but they couldn’t help themselves. After last night, John was having a hard time not touching Alex all the time. They ducked into the storage closet to make out, going fast and hard because they didn’t know when they’d steal some time for themselves next. Whenever they pulled away, Alex looked so happy that it was almost too much joy for John to bear. 

When the nighttime fell, the gang set up the basement to have a mini party all on their own. They set up snacks and alcohol on the table, and the girls got dressed up in cute outfits. There was something really nice about getting drunk with a group of people you trusted, John found. He didn’t have to worry about how he came off to other people or who was watching him, he just drank and laughed and let his usually self-conscious self go. 

Alex’s speaker blasted ‘90s hip hop and R&B, and they clapped and danced together. John danced with the girls and he danced with Alex, for once not worried about what anyone else thought. He was drunk and in love and for one night he wanted to stop thinking so much. 

At some point, they all ended up lying on the floor when Angelica said, “Get up, you guys. Let’s do it.” 

“Do what?” John asked. His head was on Alex’s belly and his legs were on Eliza’s lap. 

Lafayette stood up after a couple of tries. “On the last day of the trip, we go skinny dipping in the lake as a group. It’s tradition.” 

“Not completely naked, though.” Alex added. 

“You wish.” Angelica scoffed. 

Peggy crawled over and put her head in John’s lap. “Once you do this, you’re officially a part of our squad. Forever. Are you ready for that, John?” 

John raised a fist weakly. “I’m ready.” 

The group cheered in unison, and they leaned on each other as they ran outside and down to the lake. They climbed onto the dock and stripped down to their underwear easily, completely comfortable around one another. With no warning, Hercules held John up by his shoulders while Lafayette held him by his legs. 

“Hey, what are you doing?” John wriggled in their grasp. 

“We’re initiating you.” Hercules replied. 

“Let’s have a toast.” Angelica said, raising an imaginary drink. “To John!”

“To John!”

“To John!” 

Then Lafayette and Herc swung him back and forth a couple of times, and threw him in the water. His friends jumped in after him and splashed and screamed and made fools of themselves in the water, together. When they finally climbed out, they were breathless and loose from laughing so much. They laid side by side on the grass, and John realized that right here, with them, was where he wanted to be all the time. 

So he said, “I’m going to Columbia.” 

Everyone’s heads snapped to him. Alex actually sat up in surprise. 

“Really?” he said, voice full of so much hope. 

John smiled at him and nodded. “South Carolina hasn’t felt like home in a while. But New York could be home, maybe. If nothing else, it has you—you guys.” 

Alex noticed his slip up and brushed his hand against John’s. “Yeah, you’ve got us.” 

“Maybe I should transfer to Columbia. It’s so lonely up in Jersey.” Angelica said. She was about to enter her second year at Princeton. 

“Or you could go to Barnard with me,” Eliza said. The boys called the tiny women’s college Columbia Lite, because the university was so close to Columbia that students at Barnard were allowed to enroll in classes there and vice versa. 

“You should transfer, Angie!” Peggy said, rolling over to lie on her back. “Then in a year, I’ll go to NYU, and we’ll all be together again.” 

Angelica smiled at the idea, but shook her head. “That sounds nice, but I can’t. For one, the food is better at Princeton. And Aaron would kill me if I left him all by himself.” 

“Ugh, Burr.” Lafayette and Hercules said in unison. 

“Who’s Burr?” John asked. 

Alex waved his hand. “Not worth getting into right now.” 

“I’ll just crash at Eliza’s dorm every weekend.” Angelica continued. “I’ll be there so much no one will know I go to school in New Jersey.” 

To everyone’s surprise, Peggy started to cry a little. “Everyone’s leaving me.” 

Eliza sat up and crawled over to where her sister was. “Pegs, what are you talking about?” 

“Angelica is going back up to Jersey, and you and the guys are all living on campus. I’m the only one stuck at home. You guys are gonna have so much fun at college and forget all about me.” she sobbed. 

“Peggy, we’re not moving across the country.” Lafayette reached across Eliza's lap and took Peggy's hand. “We’re literally right in your backyard.” 

Eliza put her arm around Peggy, while Angelica took her other hand. “I’m obviously dragging you with me to Eliza’s dorm. She’s rooming with Maria, remember? It’ll be a big sleepover every night.”

The group ended up surrounding Peggy in a big group hug. “You’re too annoying to let us forget about you, girl.” Hercules said, which earned him an elbow in the stomach.

“We’re a family, Peggy.” Alexander said, his voice resolute. “Nothing gonna tear us apart if we don’t let it.” 

They looked at each other and held hands, all of them. Because Alex was right, they were a family, and no matter how far apart they were, no matter how distant they got, they would always find their way back to one another. 

“Alright, I’m done drunk crying. Can y’all get off me?” Peggy said, wiping her eyes. “It’s too hot for all of this.” 

Angelica rolled her eyes. “Herc’s right, you are so annoying.” 

***

It was sad, waking up the next morning. Everyone’s bags were packed and piled at the front door, and once they’d finished up cleaning their rooms, they gathered in the family room for one last goodbye before they all went home. 

“What the fuck is with this mood?” Angelica cut the tension. “It’s not like we’re never gonna see each other again. We’ll probably hang out tomorrow.” 

“Way to read the room, Angelica.” Alex said. 

They all exchanged hugs and goodbyes. Eliza gave John the biggest hug and said, “I’m serious about hiking together. Let me know if you need a running buddy!” 

John hugged her back. “You’re on.” 

The guys helped the sisters load their bags in their cars, then the girls got in the car themselves. Angelica honked the car horn and the girls waved at them one last time, before reversing and driving away. 

As soon as the white BMW disappeared around the corner, Alex grabbed John and pinned him against Herc’s Jeep. They kissed for several minutes before Alex spoke again. 

“You promise you’re going to Columbia? That wasn’t a dream?” Their faces were so close that John couldn’t look at him properly. 

“Yes! How many times are you gonna ask me?” John pressed his smile against Alex’s mouth. “The answer’s not gonna change.” 

“I’m sorry, I just…I’m so happy.” Alex hugged him close. “You make me so happy.” 

John hugged him tighter. “You make me happy too.”

Lafayette started sniffling. “Mes _amis,_ can one of you pass me a hanky? The two of you are going to make me cry.” He buried his face in his hands and started fake crying loudly. 

“Alright, we get it.” John said as he and Alex reluctantly let each other go. 

Hercules emerged from the house with four suitcases in his hand. “If one of you doesn’t start helping me with these bags, I’m gonna make John sit in the front seat with me.”

All three boys had matching expressions of horror on their faces. “Hercules, I’ve done nothing to deserve that cruel and unusual punishment.” Lafayette said. 

“How are you being punished?” Alex said. 

“I’d have to sit next to you and your whining the way back!” Lafayette shuddered. “Come on, let’s grab these bags, quick!” 

The boys stuffed their bags in the back, and with the slam of the trunk door and the rev of the engine, their weekend trip had come to end. 

(“I’m still waiting to hear all the dirty details of your midnight swim.” Lafayette said as soon as they hit the main road. “And now, we have all the time in the world.” 

Alex and John groaned. It was going to be a long car ride.) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who wouldn't want a piggyback ride from herc ugh 
> 
> y'all really appreciate every explicit fic you read writing smut is HARD 
> 
> Two more chapters left! Thanks for riding on this rollercoaster with me and leaving the loveliest comments :DDD! The final chapters are gonna be knockouts, I can't wait to write them. I always say it's gonna take me longer to update and then by the end of the week I'm like wow chapter finished. I thank all these damn zoom classes for that cuz god knows I need something to distract me from my boring lectures (seriously doing college online sucks so hard...). I'll see you when I see you <3
> 
> (Side note I was reading the most thorough article the other day about John Laurens and how totally gay he was and idk all I'm saying is in 10 years y'all might be seeing "Laurens" on Broadway and all the Tonys in my hands lol)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John felt such a rush of love for them all of a sudden, for Lafayette’s silliness and Hercules’ brashness and for Alex. Just for Alex.

“Jack, I picked up your suit from the dry cleaners and hung it in your closet,” Aunt Betsy said as John and his siblings dug into their dinner. 

“Suit? What for?” John asked, scrunching his eyebrows in confusion. 

Betsy glanced at him, surprised. “For the gala, of course.” 

John was even more confused. “Gala? What gala?” 

“Why would Jack know about it?” Martha said from where she was sitting across from him. “It’s not like he’s here long enough to talk to any of us.” 

John winced and tried to save face. “Oh, right, the gala. I remember now, I just needed my memory jogged. Thanks for picking up my suit, Auntie.” 

Betsy waved her hand. “No problem. All of you, make sure you’re ready to go by 7:30. Your father will come pick you up around then and Lord knows we can’t keep Henry waiting.” She made a face which made Mary giggle. 

John’s blood ran cold. _My father?_ he thought. He definitely missed something big. But he didn’t want to ask any more questions and prove Martha right, so he stayed quiet and ate his macaroni and cheese. After dinner, he knocked on Martha’s door and went straight into her room. 

Martha was on her bed, scrolling through something on her phone. She looked up at John’s entrance and didn’t say a word, just went back to her phone. The feeling of guilt pierced through him. He had to admit, he hadn’t exactly been the most present brother lately. All his time the entire summer had been consumed with Alex and his friends, with little space to spend in the apartment with his brothers and sisters. He wished he could fully explain himself to Martha, but what could he say? How could he tell his sister that the reason he’d been a ghost these days was because he got his first boyfriend and had to put all his energy into that? He didn’t even want to imagine Martha’s reaction. 

“Martie, look at me.” John sat down on her bed. “Come on.” 

“Don’t call me that.” Martha shot back, scowling at her phone. “Strangers don’t get to call me that. In fact, strangers don’t get to be in my room.” 

“Martha, don’t be like that.” he pleaded. “I’m sorry, okay? I know I’ve been out of touch lately—”

“Out of touch?” Martha scoffed. “You’ve been MIA. I think Mary’s starting to forget what you look like. I’m honestly shocked you showed up to dinner tonight. What, your super secret friends got bored of you?” 

The worst part is, the only reason he wasn’t at Laf’s was because everyone else was busy. Alex had to go to a dinner party his parents were throwing, Lafayette’s parents were hosting a fundraising event for the Washingtons, and Hercules was doing some apprenticeship work at his parents’ design company. The guilt rose in him even further.

“That’s not fair.” John weakly defended himself. 

“You know the worst part? I just thought that maybe—” Martha cut herself off with a quick headshake. “No, never mind.” 

“Just tell me. Please.” 

She curled onto her side, turning her back on him. “I just thought that maybe you’d want to spend time with us, with me, since it’s only a couple more weeks until you head off to college, and then we’ll only get to see you at breaks. But I guess I was wrong. You didn’t even tell me you decided to go to Columbia! I only found out because Dad mentioned it on the phone. But whatever, you’ve got your new fancy life in New York. You don’t need us anymore.” 

John hugged Martha tightly from behind. “That’s not true. I’m so sorry, Martha, I never meant to make you feel like that. You and the kids are the most important thing in the world to me. I’m sorry I haven’t been acting like it, but that stops now. Tomorrow is you and me. We can do whatever you want.” 

Martha sniffled. “Just tomorrow?” 

John shook his head. “No. I’m gonna spend time with you guys every day, until I go off to college. I can’t have Mary forgetting her favorite big brother.” 

“Actually, I think James took your spot.” Martha turned around to face him. 

John gasped, affronted. “Then I’ll have to steal it back.” 

He was rewarding with a tiny laugh from Martha, and knew that he’d been forgiven. 

“Okay, now that we’re not fighting, what the hell is happening on Saturday?” John finally let himself ask. 

Martha hit him with a pillow. “I knew it, you had no idea what Auntie was talking about!” 

John shrugged. “When you’re popular like me, it’s hard to keep track of things.”

For that comment, he almost got beaten to death by pillow. 

***

“Hey, are you with me?” Alex said. 

Their shirts were discarded somewhere on Alex’s bedroom floor, and Alex had been pressing kisses to his lips and to his neck. John was into it, he didn’t think there was any part of him that wouldn’t be into Alex’s lips on him. But he had to admit, he was a little distracted. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, sitting up and gently pushing Alex off him. “I’m a little stressed out.” 

Alex ran his knuckles up and down John’s back in a soothing gesture. “Why, what’s wrong?” 

“It’s this thing on Saturday.” John sighed. “My father’s coming up here, to New York. He’s taking us to a charity gala.” 

According to Martha, it was a pretty big deal. There were gonna be celebrities, big name politicians, the whole nine yards. 

“And we have to go because Dad never looks more friendly than he does donating to charity surrounded by his cute, cute children!” she told him in a fake happy tone. 

“So I’m guessing we’re gonna have to pose for hella pictures.” he responded, dread already rising in his stomach. 

“Oh, _hella.”_

“I’m nervous as hell about the whole thing.” he confessed to Alex. “I’m nervous to see my dad again. It’s been a while since I’ve had to deal with him and I know he’s gonna say some shit I don’t wanna hear. And I hate these types of parties. I don’t have anyone to talk to except my siblings, and we usually end up getting yanked in directions to take pictures and make nice with all my dad’s colleagues. It’s gonna be a long, boring night.” 

“Wait, this Saturday?” Alex sat up to look at him. “Is it the fundraiser for cancer research?” 

“Yeah. You heard about it?” 

Alex grabbed his hands, grinning. “I’m going too!” 

John’s eyes widened. “Really?” 

“Yeah, with George and Martha. Since curing cancer is, for now, one of the last bipartisan issues, politicians from both sides of the aisle of gonna be there.” Alex bounced up and down. “This is gonna be great! Lafayette’s family is going too, and he's gonna convince them to let him bring Herc as a date. We'll make sure you have a good time, don't worry. Me and Laf and Herc have a whole system down for getting out these parties.” 

John smiled wide, filled with such an immense sense of relief. “Thank god. I was planning on hiding in the bathroom the whole night.” 

Alex’s smile turned wolfish. “Are you feeling better now?” 

John rolled his eyes and pulled Alex back down on top of him. It was clear what was on Alex’s mind. “Yeah, I’m here, I’m focused.”

“Good, because I’m gonna do something you’ll really like.” 

“Oh yeah?”

Alex nodded. He kissed John’s collarbone, then trailed his kisses down, down, down… 

***

John readjusted his tie for the tenth time. The suit fit him perfectly, but it still felt awkward and stiff on him. Him and his brothers looked striking in their matching black tuxedos, and the girls looked beautiful in their sparkly blue dresses. 

“Jesus, you look like you’re about to go in front of a firing squad.” Martha said. They were all waiting in the family room for their father’s arrival. 

“I hate going to these things.” John said, smoothing down his suit jacket. 

“I heard they hired a really good catering company, so fingers crossed for pigs in a blanket.”

His sister’s silly attitude calmed him down a little. “Martha, you’re so—”

The doorbell rang, with a couple sharp raps on the door. That was his father, no doubt about that. John’s entire body tensed. 

Betsy went to the door and called, “Kids, Henry’s here!” 

The siblings and him walked over to the foyer, and standing in front of them for the first time in two months was Henry Laurens. 

Henry stood tall and proud, eyes examining each of them with an impassive expression. John stood straighter, just as his brothers and sisters did. He’d forgotten how being around his father sometimes felt like being a cadet standing in front of an army general. You kept your mouth shut and braced yourself for impact.

He came up to John first. The first words out of his mouth were, “I wish you had gotten a haircut, Jack. Your hair is getting unmanageable. It makes you look sloppy.” 

“Sorry, sir.” He felt himself shifting back into the mask of the dutiful, obedient son. 

“It’s too late for apologies. It’ll have to do for now.” Despite his complaints, he put a hand on John’s shoulder. “The suit fits nicely on you, Jack. You look grown-up, like a real man.”

John hated the way he warmed with the approval. The tiniest compliment from his dad was enough for a seed of happiness to bloom inside him, it was so stupid. 

Henry went down the line, tidying up everyone’s outfits. His heart broke watching Mary, who stared up at her father in adoration. He was the only parent she’d ever known and it was obvious that she wanted to hug him and tell him how much she missed him. But Henry was not a hugging father, and even a girl as young as Mary could pick up on that. She trembled with joy as Henry gently patted her head. 

“Remember to conduct yourself appropriately and be mindful of your appearance. You’re representing our family.” Henry opened the door. “Let’s go.” 

The gala was being held at this lavish hotel on the Upper East Side. The huge ballroom was decked out with delicate crystal lights hanging from the ceilings and beautiful floral arrangements sitting at each table. The area was filled with people in extravagant dresses and impeccably tailored suits, and waiters moving through the crowd with platters of champagne and hors d'oeuvres. 

They posed for several pictures with the photographer hired for the event, then the siblings each went their own way. John started to do the same, only to be held back by his father. 

“I have to say, I’m disappointed you chose Columbia.” Henry commented, swirling around the drink in his hand. “I thought Georgetown would’ve been a much better fit. Going to school in DC, you would’ve been right on the political pulse.”

It would’ve been a better fit, if John had any interest in politics. But Henry put the deposit down for his first semester and declared him as a Political Science major without consulting John at all, so it was clear his opinion didn’t matter. 

“But, no matter. Now you have the unique opportunity to talk with some faculty at Columbia Law and some alums with their own law firms.” Henry put a firm hand on his shoulder. “I know a couple of them are always looking to hire from their alma mater. Let’s go, I’ll help.” 

John’s stomach sank. “Thank you, Dad.”

His father flashed him a quick, blink and you’ll miss it smile. “Anything to help my boy get ahead.” 

It was times like this that confused John the most. Because sometimes it seemed like Henry genuinely wanted the best for him and cared about him. Sometimes John felt like he was the one making everything difficult, and that if he heard his father out and tried to follow his plans for him, then maybe he’d be happier in the long run. But spending time in New York opened his eyes a little. John feared that the person Henry cared about was the fake version of himself, and if he stopped being that person he didn’t know what Henry would do. 

John was a changed person from the last time his father saw him. He had experienced what it was like to be his true, unadulterated self with no shame. He found people who loved him for him, no strings attached. He met someone peeled back all his layers, saw him straight to his core and pulled him closer, treated him like he was something _special._ It was impossible to morph back into the apathetic shell of himself that he’d grown to accept. 

As a result, John barely existed in all the conversations his dad dragged him into with a parade of stuffy guys in tight suits. He laughed in all the right places and answered their questions with perfunctory responses, but didn’t offer up much else. 

When they finally exited from a conversation with one Columbia law professor who would not shut up about the book he just self-published, Henry pulled to the side with a tight grip on his wrist. 

“What’s the matter with you, Jack?” Henry said, low enough for only him to hear. “You’re like a living corpse.” 

John kept his eyes downcast. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m a little tired.” 

“Well, wake up.” Henry retorted, and the disapproval in his face pressed down on John’s chest like a sack of bricks. “The law profession is all about connections. You won’t get very far in your career if you don’t learn how to network now. It’s time for you to grow up.” 

_I don’t want to be a fucking lawyer,_ he wanted to scream. Instead, he said, “I need something to drink. May I be excused?” 

Henry gave him a tight nod. “Grab something to eat too. You look pale.” 

John would’ve ran to the drinks table if it was proper, he couldn’t get away fast enough. He poured himself a cup of ice water from the glass bowl sitting on the table, then another one, and another one. He loosened his bowtie a little, feeling hot and stressed under the bright lights. 

“Man, you look like someone who’s never been satisfied.” 

Hearing that voice was like being covered in the softest, warmest, fluffiest blanket in the entire world. He turned around to see his favorite person ever looking him up and down. 

“If you let me direct you to the nearest supply closet, I can fix that.” Alex said hotly. 

Alex didn’t look so bad himself. He was wearing a charcoal gray suit with a matching waistcoat that clung to his body like water, and his hair was tied back in a half up, half down style. John had to physically stop himself from throwing himself at him. 

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.” John returned in the same proper, posh tone. 

Alex grinned and stuck his hand out. “Alexander Hamilton. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” 

John accepted his hand with a matching smile. “John Laurens. I’d take you up on your offer, but I can’t. My boyfriend gets jealous pretty easily.” 

“Oh, I’m taken too.” Alex inched himself closer to John. “My boyfriend’s hot as hell, especially in a tuxedo.” 

“My boyfriend’s alright in a suit.” John’s gaze flicked down Alex’s lips. “But I like him better without it on.” 

Alex’s eyes flared. They hadn’t let go of each other’s hands, and Alex rubbed circles into the outside of John's palm with his thumb. The drag of Alex’s skin against his made him want to melt into the floor, and his world narrowed to just him and Alex, standing in front of each other. 

“Let me take you somewhere,” Alex said. “You can compare me with that hot boyfriend of yours, huh?” 

John was about to respond, or launch himself at Alex, when Alex’s eyes glanced over his shoulder and John felt someone wrap their arm around his. 

“Jack, you’re not gonna introduce me?” Martha said, more bubbly than usual. 

“Jack?” Alex repeated, eyebrows raised, and John groaned inwardly. 

“Family nickname.” he said quickly. “Alex, this is my baby sister, Martha. Martha, Alex.” 

Martha narrowed her eyebrows. “I’m not your baby anything. Nice to meet you, Alex.” 

Alex took her hand and kissed the back of her palm. “Wow, I didn’t know beauty ran in the family.” 

Martha giggled (giggled!) and John rolled his eyes. “Are you always so cheesy?” she said. 

“Only when I’m talking to a pretty girl.” Alex replied with a straight face, and Martha giggled again. 

“Watch out, Alex. My sister already has a crush on you.” The words popped out of his mouth before he could stop them. 

Martha whipped around and hit him on the shoulder, cheeks red. “No, I do not!” 

“Then why were you stalking his Instagram?” he doubled down. 

“I was not!” Martha turned back to Alex, ignoring John. “It’s too bad we can’t be friends. You know, since our dads are in a death match.” 

Alex laughed. “We’re not the Montagues and Capulets. I think we’re allowed to talk to each other.” 

“Oh, then would you want to exchange numbers?” Martha said, smooth as ever. John was giving her a _big_ look, but she continued to ignore him. 

They pulled out their phones and exchanged numbers, then Alex said, “Martha, will you excuse us? I told John I’d introduce him to some of my friends.” 

Martha was a little disappointed, but nodded. “Alright, I’ll catch up with you guys later.”

Alex dragged him away, and said, “Your sister was nice.” 

“Yeah, to you.” John said with a pointed look, which made Alex laugh.

“What can I say? It’s not my fault the Laurens find me irresistible.” he teased. 

John shook his head with a smile. “No, it’s our cross to bear.”

They walked up to Lafayette and Hercules, who were discreetly passing a flask back and forth between each other. The two boys brightened when they saw Alex walking over with John in tow. 

“John Laurens, meet my friends. Hercules Mulligan and—”

“Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier Lafayette.” Lafayette said in one breath. “Pleased to make your acquaintance, _mon chou.”_

John looked at Lafayette, looked at the guys, then bust out laughing. The guys laughed along with him loudly, oblivious to the stares of everyone around them. The anxiety that had been clenching John’s chest earlier had completely dissipated. 

“Are you serious? _Please_ tell me that’s not actually your name.” John said. 

Lafayette wiped the corner of his eye. “The French are a very generous people.” 

Alex snorted. “Generous? You took all the damn names in France for yourself.” 

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand how French royalty works.” Lafayette huffed. 

“Whatever you say, Marie.” 

Herc had to hold Lafayette back from lunging at Alex, and John laughed again. 

Once they’d all calmed down, Alex said, “So? Did you guys get the goods?” 

They huddled in a circle, and Hercules pulled back his suit jacket to reveal an unopened bottle of champagne. 

“This is my party suit,” Hercules explained to John. “I sewed in two deep inside pockets for holding all the stuff we take at these things. My other pocket’s got porchetta and cheese.” 

Lafayette reached over to grab a piece of cheese from Herc’s pocket. “We’re good to go.”

“Awesome.” Alex bounced up on his toes. “Let’s break into a hotel room and have some fun.” 

“Is this what it's like hanging out with the cool kids?” John joked. “Breaking into hotel rooms?”

“This is nothing.” Alex said. “You should’ve seen us as George’s nomination party, that was—” 

“Excuse me.” 

The guys whirled around to see Henry Laurens towering over them. They all stopped talking at once. Apparently, Henry had that effect on everyone. 

“Jack, can I talk to you in private?” Henry asked it like a question, but it was very clearly an order. 

(Lafayette mouthed the word “Jack?” to Alex, but Alex gave him a firm headshake in response.) 

John swallowed, anxiety back in full force. “Yes, sir.” 

He moved to stand next to Henry, and was about to walk away when Alex said, “It’s nice to see you again, Senator Laurens.” 

Both father and son froze. Henry turned back and gave Alex a look of utter contempt before settling his face back into a blank expression. Then he turned on his heel and walked away without looking back to make sure John was following.

Alex moved forward like he wanted to go to John, but John put a hand up to stop him. 

“It’s okay.” He forced a weak smile on his face. “I’ll be right back.” 

He ran to catch up with his father, dropping the smile from his face as soon as his back turned. 

“Wow.” Lafayette let out a loud exhale. “I thought the Senator was going to choke you out.” 

“I hate him.” Alex said quietly, fists clenched. The quick flash of fear on John’s face when his father approached made Alex want to hold onto him and never let go. 

“John is…different around him, that’s for sure.” Lafayette said. 

Alex had a bad feeling, but he tried to shake it off. “Come on, let’s find somewhere to pop this bottle. John will catch up with us later.” 

***

John followed his dad out to the hotel lobby, his insides in knots. He didn’t know what this was about, but the look on Henry’s face didn’t leave him feeling hopeful. 

Henry rounded on him, words sharp and ruthless. “What do you think you’re doing? You have the chance to make valuable connections and strengthen your future right in front of you, and instead you’re playing around like a little boy.” 

John clenched his hands tight behind his back. “I was mingling with people my own age. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do at parties?” 

“Holding mature conversations, yes. Causing a ruckus with the wrong sort of people, no. I raised you to conduct yourself with a better—” 

“The wrong sort of people?” John couldn’t stop the words from flying out of his mouth. 

Henry’s eyes hardened. “That brings me to my next point. I don’t want you associating yourself with Washington’s ward or his friends. They’re not good company for you, and I don’t want the press thinking you have anything in common with him.” 

John felt his heartbeat speed up at the implication. “Why can’t I be friends with Washington’s _son?_ Just because you don’t agree with his dad—”

“Because I said so. And last time I checked, I don’t need to justify myself to you.” 

John wanted to pop off. He wanted to tell his father to fuck off, that he could be friends with whoever the fuck he wanted. To tell him that it was too late, he’d already been plenty _friendly_ with “Washington’s ward” (who the fuck says something like that?). But instead he stayed silent and bowed his head down. 

“I hope you’re hearing me, Jack.” Henry’s voice pounded on him like a mallet. “I don’t want you to have anything to do with that boy, ever. You hear me?” 

“Yes, sir.” he said automatically, and John hated himself. 

“Focus. You’re past the age where everything is about having fun.” Henry put a hand on his shoulder, his grip an iron vice. “Now, I have an old friend of mine I want to introduce you to. He has a daughter your age that I think you’d get along with, Marta. I’m sure she’d love it if you asked her to dance.” 

Just when he thought his father couldn’t bring him down even further, Henry found a way. “That’s okay.” he mumbled. 

“Excuse me? Speak up, don’t run your words together.”

“That’s okay.” John said louder, meeting his eyes. “I don’t want to dance with her.” 

There was danger in Henry’s eyes. “You haven’t even met her yet. How could you know you don’t want to dance with her?”

“Because I don’t.” 

“I’m trying to help you, do you understand that? This whole night I’ve been trying to help you, and the whole time you’ve been acting very ungrateful. That’s not the Jack I know.” 

John was clenching his fists so tight, his nails were digging into the skin. “I’m sorry, Dad. I appreciate everything you’re doing for me.” 

“Then act like it.” Henry said tersely. 

Then, out of nowhere, Henry added, “It’s not normal. A boy your age should have a girlfriend by now. Several girlfriends.” 

John’s heart was actively slamming against his chest now. It took everything in him to keep himself steady and unaffected.

“This isn’t just about setting up your future career, Jack. This is a great opportunity to meet girls from good families, one of whom could be your wife one day. I met your mother at an event just like this when I was in college.” 

Somehow, John found the strength within himself to make his mouth move and say something, anything to get his dad to stop. “Alright, I’ll talk to her. Just let me use the bathroom real quick.” 

Henry gave a quick nod, patted his shoulder, and said, “I’ll meet you inside.” 

The first thing John did when he got in the bathroom was lock himself inside a stall and slide down the door, onto the floor. The breaths were coming out of him heavy and quick, and he thought he might pass out. He counted to himself in French, something his mother taught him. He heard her gentle, lilting voice singing, _un deux trois quatre cinq, un deux trois quatre cinq…_

When his breaths slowed down, he got up and out of the stall and splashed his face with cold water over and over again. He needed to wake up. He needed to _focus._ The first thought that came to his mind was that he needed to get out of here. The huge hotel had shrunken down around him, choking the life out of him. He thought he might throw up all over poor Marta if he was forced to stay and dance with her. He needed air. He needed to be outside. 

He looked in the mirror before he left. Staring back at him was a boy who looked unnerved, almost to the point of illness. He was shaking and wet and his eyes were haunted. He looked like a trapped animal who might hurt themself just to break free. 

John didn’t think, just walked, fast. He exited out of the main hotel doors and found himself standing in the cool city air. He put his hands on his knees and let himself breathe once again. Just breathe. 

His mind was swirling with his father’s words, from _Washington’s ward_ to _ungrateful_ to _your wife._ And John couldn’t say a damn thing. His father had said so many whack things to him in a row, and John just stood there and took it. He didn’t stand up for his boyfriend ( _your wife,_ his dad said, but all that came to John’s mind was dark eyes and delicate words that left him defenseless), he didn’t stand up for his friends, he didn’t stand up for himself. Henry was right, he was nothing but a little kid. His father’s strong will loomed over him, and John didn’t know if he could rise up against it. He was terrified that he couldn’t.

He was ripped back into the present by his phone vibrating in his suit pocket. He pulled it out and saw that it was Alex. For a second, he thought about letting the call go to voicemail. Then he sighed, and picked it up. 

“John?” Alex said, and it almost made him fall to pieces. Just hearing his voice, he knocked John out. 

“Y—Yeah?” John cleared his throat, biting back the tears that welled up at the corner of his eyes. “I mean, what’s up?” 

“Where are you?” There was a lot of background noise on Alex’s side, John wondered where he was. 

“I’m outside, in front of the hotel. I needed to…get some air.” John wiped a hand down his face. “Where are you?” 

A loud horn sounded off down in the air, and John looked over to see a cherry red Mustang convertible roaring up the street. The car pulled up right in front of him. 

Lafayette, one hand on the wheel, leaned over Hercules and said, _“Bonjour,_ pretty boy! Need a ride?” 

The sight in front of him was so perplexing that he said the first thing that came to his mind, which was, “What the fuck?” 

“Have you checked your phone?” Hercules said. “The Schuylers’ parents are out of town and they’re throwing a blowout party at their mansion. Everyone’s going. Are you in?” 

At this point, Alex popped up from where he was laying back on the backseat. He leaned over the car door and said, “You’re coming, right? We’ve done enough socializing for the night, let’s go have some fun.” 

Here were his options: he could go back inside and talk to a friend of his dad about shit he didn’t care about and dance with a girl he’d never be into, or he could say fuck it and hop in the car. 

“Fuck it,” he said, and he didn’t even bother opening the car door. He just heaved himself over into the backseat, almost toppling Alex over. There was nowhere else he wanted to be than with this wrong crowd of his. 

The boys cheered and Lafayette pulled off, speeding down the road. 

“Are you alright, _mon ami?”_ Lafayette glanced at him in the rearview mirror. “You look a little worse for wear.”

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” he lied. “My dad just said some bullshit to me but it’s whatever now.”

Hercules cupped his hands and shouted, “Fuck Henry!” as loud as he could. 

“Fuck Henry!” Alex and Lafayette joined in shouting. Lafayette even honked his horn to show his support. 

“A party is just what you need to take your mind off of things.” Lafayette reassured him. 

Alex wrapped an arm around him. “And if that doesn’t work, I can help.” 

He leaned in to give John a gentle kiss, which made Lafayette and Herc shout, “Boo!” 

John felt such a rush of love for them all of a sudden, for Lafayette’s silliness and Hercules’ brashness and for Alex. Just for Alex.

He gave Alex a quick kiss on the lips, then turned and yelled, “Fuck Henry!”

The boys joined him and Lafayette honked his horn again, and John tried to let his dad’s words and the dark place they sent him to go. He really tried. 

***

He knew the Schuylers were loaded, but their mansion was a work of art. Huge, with a lush front lawn and beautiful flower garden decorating the front entrance. The place was bustling with cars pulling up and people streaming in and out. A lot of people had come from the gala like them, so there were a lot of people in the same formal wear they were wearing. 

“It’s like going to prom again,” Hercules commented. 

“Except with ten times more alcohol.” Lafayette replied. 

“Like I said, just like prom.” Herc replied, wistful. 

They left their suit jackets in the car and John shot a text to his sister telling her that he felt sick, so he took an Uber back home. Then he stepped into Schuylers’ house with his friends. 

The first thing he did was pull Alex into an empty room, apologizing to the sisters in his head. He just wanted something to get him out of his head and distract from the downward spiral his father had sent him tumbling down, and every time he kissed Alex every other thing bothering him usually floated away for a moment. 

Not this time. John jammed his face up against Alex and their kisses were too hard, too forceful. He kept trying, though, as if each kiss was a spell that could banish his father’s voice saying, _I’m trying to help you,_ away from his mind. 

“John, hold up. Slow down.” Alex turned his head to the side, breaking contact. 

John moved down to his neck, unwilling to stop. Why wasn’t it working? Why couldn’t he get out of this hole his father built around him? 

“John!” Alex grabbed his face and physically pulled it away from him. “Can you hear me? It’s like you’re a million miles away.” 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” John babbled, embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to—I’m sorry.” 

“You’re good.” Alex bit his lip, looking up at him. “Are you okay? You don’t…you don’t seem like yourself.” 

“I’m fine.” He refused to meet Alex’s gaze. Maybe if he kept saying, he’d mean it. 

Alex hesitated, then said, “Do you want to talk about what your dad—”

“No.” John answered stiffly, pulling away from Alex. “That is the last thing I want to talk about.” 

John had this way of freezing every part of your body with a simple look or a change in his voice that reminded Alex of Henry Laurens, though he hated thinking that. It was the one thing about John Alex wasn’t used to yet. Every time he turned that coldness on Alex, it sent him reeling. 

John popped the first two buttons off his shirt and took his hair out of his bun. He ran a shaky hand through the strands and said, “Let’s get wasted, okay?” 

Alex didn’t know what else to do other than nod his head and follow John out of the room. He wasn’t sure how to be there for someone who was determined to keep him out. 

They went to the basement, where the party was raging on in full force. As soon as they came downstairs, Eliza and Peggy ran up to hug them. Even though the girls hadn’t gone to the gala, they read the room and changed into swanky cocktail dresses, and as a result the whole party had a cool vibe to it, like a speakeasy. 

“How was the gala?” Eliza asked once she pulled back from hugging John. 

“Boring.” John said lightly.

“We were dying to get out of there.” Alex added, spinning Peggy around. “You guys really came in the clutch.” 

“Thank our parents for flying off to Tokyo without us.” Peggy giggled. 

Eliza looked at John. “Do you really want to party or do you want to come up to my room and watch some Youtube videos?” 

Her offer was tempting and on any other night, he would’ve taken her up on it. But this wasn’t any other night. “Nah, not today. I feel like partying tonight.”

Eliza peered up at him curiously. “Is everything okay?” 

John bit down on the urge to snap at her. Why did everyone keep asking him that? Did he look that bad? “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?” 

“Relax, Eliza.” Peggy came up to hug John from behind. “Let John get trashed!” 

Eliza exchanged a look with Alex, who shook his head subtly. His eyes said _leave it alone for now._

John let Peggy drag him to the drinks table, and that was when things started getting a little hazy. He remembered doing a line of shots with Peggy, downing several bottles of beer, playing a couple of games with the mystery punch someone brewed upstairs in the kitchen. When he said he wanted to get wasted, he meant _wasted._ The alcohol numbed his body and slowed his thoughts down. Everything around him, the cheers of people as he chugged another drink, the heavy bass of the music as it pounded out of the speakers, was all muted and softened, like he had a pillow over his ears. A part of him wished he could float away from his body, just for a second. 

He lost track of Alex. Maybe he wanted to, he didn’t know. His thoughts were all over the place. He wanted to be with Alex and kiss him and grind up against him on the dance floor like every other couple was doing, but looking at Alex also made him feel guilty. If Washington had said some shit about John like his dad had said about Alex, Alex wouldn’t have hesitated to talk back and defend him. He would’ve gotten all up in Washington’s face, because he wasn’t a coward. Alex deserved someone who would do the same for him. 

John shook away the thoughts. _Don’t think, just do,_ he told himself. He was supposed to be getting out of his head, not sinking deeper. He followed his impulses and decided to go find Alex. Everything in John led back to him, one way or another. 

He looked around and found Alex chilling against the wall, just off to the side where everyone was dancing. He was taking sips from the cup in his hand and bopping his head to the music. At first, John didn’t understand why the whole scene was odd to him. Then he realized it was because Alex was _alone._ Alex usually had a different energy about him when they went out, the kind of energy that made you want to stick around him and see what would happen next. But he seemed different here, calm and blending into the crowd. The non-stop boy had slowed down. 

John ambled up to him and threw his arms around him, swaying heavily. “I missed you.” 

Alex lit up when he saw him, and put a hand on his waist to steady him. “Fuck, John, you smell like a liquor store.”

“You smell like a liquor store.” John mumbled back.

Alex laughed softly. He brushed the hair away from John's face and gazed at him tenderly. The simple action took John apart, and he wanted to smack Alex’s hand away and say _don’t be so nice to me, don’t look at me like that, I’m not worth it, I’m not worth it._ Alex’s affection was so hard to handle all of a sudden.

“Do you wanna dance?” Alex asked him. 

He wasn’t sure that he did, but for once he wanted to do what Alex wanted to do. “Sure, let’s go.” 

He let Alex pull him by the wrist onto the dance floor and they were swallowed up into the crowd, blending into fast-paced, hip-hop beats blaring out from the speakers. John moved with Alex to the rhythm of the music, close but not touching. John sang along to the lyrics of the J. Cole song playing overhead. He focused hard on the words, so his brain didn’t have space to think about anything else. 

Then the music changed to an Usher song, something a little slower. He zoned out a little, watching a couple up ahead of him wrapped themselves around each other, eyes only for each other. There was something beautiful about how their feelings were written all over their face, and it was clear they didn’t care who was watching. For that one moment, the two of them were the only ones who existed. 

The feeling of hands wrapping around his wrists pulled him out of his reverie. Alex gently swayed them back and forth, and John rode the motion. Their eyes met and John got lost in the open, naked expression he found there. They kept moving together and John wondered for a heartbeat if there was a couple out there staring at them, because it was obvious to them too what was between him and Alex. 

Alex flashed him a smile and moved closer, just a little. John wanted to wrap his arms around him and hold their faces together, and then his father’s voice crashed through his ears like an airhorn, saying, _I don’t want you to have anything to do with that boy, ever. You hear me?_

John ripped himself away from Alex. “Stop. We can’t—we can’t do that.” 

Alex scrunched his eyebrows, hurt flashing in his eyes. “Do what? Dance?” 

“We can’t.” he hissed. “Don’t start, alright?” 

Alex let out a loud exhale. “We can’t do this, we can’t do that. Soon, we’re gonna run out of things we _can_ do together.” 

“I’m not like you, Alex. Okay? I care what people think about me, I care about who’s watching me.” John snapped. “I can’t do whatever I wanna do. Some of us have shit to lose.” 

Alex’s eyes were bright with anger and John thought, _good._ Why should he be the only one on edge? 

“Don’t.” Alex said softly. “Don’t take your shit out on me. Don’t punish me because your dad said some fucked up shit to you because he’s a fucked up person.”

“I’m going to the bathroom,” John said abruptly. He had to walk away before he said something he couldn’t take back. 

Alex called his name but he ignored him, stomping over to the bathroom like the devil was after him. He busted into the bathroom door and he must’ve had some look on his face, because the couple that was making out in there left without him even saying a word. He paced back and forth, trying to calm himself. He had the urge to punch a hole in the wall, something to release all the emotion building up inside of him. The word _ungrateful ungrateful ungrateful_ thrummed under his pulse. 

The worst part was that Alex was right. He wasn’t mad at him, he was mad at his dad and mad at the world. He was mad at himself for letting himself be this affected by his father, when there was no reason for him to be surprised. It wasn’t like his dad had ever done anything to show him how kind and accepting he was. 

But what got him the most, what fucking tore him up inside was that he thought Henry didn’t know. Sure, he thought maybe Henry suspected, but John was sure that his father didn’t know he was gay. He always told himself that maybe if he got the courage to confess to his father, maybe Henry would surprise him. But the way he brought up Marta, the _look_ in his eyes…he knew. He knew, and he was telling John to hide it. To stuff that part of himself deep, deep down where no one else can find it. 

John splashed cold water on his face for the second time that night. He wanted to sober up, because the alcohol was just making him feel worse. He felt so alone at that moment, it threatened to crush him where he stood. He considered leaving without saying a word to anyone, just disappearing into the night. 

_But you don’t have to be alone,_ a voice said to him from deep within. Alex’s face came to mind. He had been a real asshole to him, but what was it that Alex said to him once? _I’m the person who’s always on your side._ He could apologize, take Alex somewhere quiet, and tell him everything that his father said, and if he cried Alex would hold him. He would dry John’s tears and stay with him, and that would be enough. 

John took a deep breath, slapped his cheeks, and walked out the bathroom with a new resolve. He didn’t want to hurt Alex. In everything he did, he wanted to put a smile on Alex’s face. 

John walked down the hall and was about to step into the main floor, when he heard Angelica’s voice close, off to the side. 

“God, look at Eliza.” she said. “She is so helpless.” 

Angelica must’ve been leaning against the wall, around the corner from where John was. John looked ahead of him, and saw what Angelica was talking about. Eliza had taken his place and was casually dancing and talking with Alex. When Alex took her hand and twirled her around, her whole face lifted with pleasure.

To say John’s heart sank would be an understatement. 

“She’s not the only one,” another voice replied, someone he didn’t recognize. 

“What are you talking about, Maria?” Angelica scoffed. “That’s old news. Fucking ancient. I had a thing for Alex for, like, five seconds. Now, you couldn’t pay me to go out with him.” 

“If you say so.” Maria said lightly. 

And before John could grapple with that piece of information (Angelica was into Alex? What?), Angelica continued, “I’m telling you, by the time school starts back up those two are gonna be back together.” 

“That’s not what I hear. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that, actually.” 

“What?” Angelica’s tone was guarded now. 

“You know that boy that hangs out with Alex and his friends now? John something?” 

“John Laurens, yeah. What about him?”

There was a pause. “Damn, girl, you really know everything! So it’s true? He’s really Senator Laurens’ son?” 

“Duh. Y’all didn’t know that?” 

“He’s not on social media like that. Anyway, that’s the first thing I heard. I also heard that him and Alex are attached at the hip. Like they show up to a party together and they always leave together. People are saying the reason Alex hasn’t been hooking up with anyone lately is because _they’re_ hooking up on the low low. Which, how crazy would that be? Washington’s son and Laurens’ son?”

Angelica laughed, but it was harsher than usual. “They show up to a party together, so they gotta be sleeping together? Is he hooking up with Lafayette and Hercules too?”

Maria made a noise. “Oh, that’s different and you know it!” 

“You guys make up the dumbest shit with the littlest proof,” There was a hard edge to Angelica’s voice. “There’s no way that’s true.” 

“I’m not so sure. I saw them dancing together before and I swear to god Alex straight up had hearts in his eyes. Like cartoon hearts.” 

“You’re wrong.” Angelica insisted. “Alex does a lot of shit, but he would never date a _Republican._ I mean, for fuck’s sake.” 

The words hit John like a slap in the face. He thought he and Angelica were friends, that they’d come so far from her first opinion of him, but no. Apparently not. God, how many hits was he gonna take tonight? 

“And,” Angelica pushed on. “Let’s say they are hooking up. That’d be crazy, but fine. That’s _all_ it is, a hook up. A summer fling, or whatever you want to call it. Alex is good at those, you know that.” 

Maria snorted. “Oh, I know.” 

“But those end. And with Alex, they end quickly.” Angelica said. “Him and Eliza, that’s forever. You can trust me on that.” 

John looked ahead one more time at Alex and Eliza. They were still dancing, he was still holding her hand, and the two of them looked happy together. More than that, they looked _right_ together. 

Every part holding him together inside broke into pieces. And it wasn’t because of Alex and Eliza, it wasn’t even because Angelica. It was because Angelica was right. Alex looked so natural with Eliza, and Eliza looked like she belonged with Alex. They looked like they belonged together, and there was no space for John. He’d been fighting and resisting against that truth, but Angelica said it. All of this was just temporary. 

He fled upstairs, past Angelica and Maria, past Alex and Eliza, just put his head down and ran up the steps and away from everything. He had to _go._

***

“When’s John coming back?” Eliza asked Alex, dancing with him. 

Alex thought about the angry words the two of them exchanged, but shook them from his head. When John got back, he’d apologize and ask if they could go somewhere quiet to talk. It was obvious John’s dad said something to him that really messed him up, so Alex forgave John as soon as he walked away. They shouldn’t be fighting, they should be leaning on each other. 

“I don’t know. Maybe I should go find him, it’s been—” 

He saw John come out from the hallway and blow past him, up the stairs. He looked near to tears, like he was barely holding himself back from breaking down and Alex—Alex didn’t even think. He dropped Eliza’s hand and rushed upstairs after him without saying a word. 

Angelica and Maria watched the whole thing go down. “Still think there’s nothing there?” Maria said. 

“Shut up, Maria.” Angelica said, throwing back the rest of her drink. 

Maria gave her a look. “You think he heard us?” 

Angelica didn’t dignify that question with a response. Of course he heard them, and she felt like the hugest bitch in the world. She didn’t even believe half of what she said, but she didn’t have a choice. She liked John, but Angelica loved her sister more than anything in this life. She would always choose Eliza’s happiness over her own, no matter who she had to hurt. That didn’t mean she had to feel good about it. 

John marched to the door like a man on a mission. He felt so stupid. A few months in New York, and he thought he could run away from his life when he couldn’t even stand up to his father. His future was already laid out for him, and it didn’t include his passions or his friends or _Alex._ He was so, so dumb for thinking he had any other choices. 

He didn’t hear Alex calling his name until Alex was literally standing in front of him, stopping John with a hand on his chest. 

“Move.” John tried to push past him, only to be stopped again.

“John, what’s wrong? What happened?” Alex looked so concerned and John was done.

“Nothing happened, I’m just done pretending that I belong here.” John stepped backwards from him. “I don’t. I don’t belong here, I don’t belong in New York, I don’t belong with _you._ ” 

Alex sucked in a sharp breath. “What are you talking about? Of course you belong—” 

“No.” he cut Alex off. “This is your life, Alex. These are your people and your friends and your _life_ and I don’t fit in. I’m the only thing that doesn’t fit.” 

John took in a shuddering breath. “Go back to the party. You should be downstairs with everyone, not up here with me. Go dance with Eliza.” 

Alex closed his eyes. “Please tell me this isn’t about her.” 

John wanted to hit him for saying that. “Are you even listening to me? It’s not about her! It’s…everything. I’ve been playing pretend for months, and now I have to stop. I have to stop pretending that this could be my life. That we could be together.” 

Alex shook his head. He wouldn’t look at John, just kept shaking his head. “You’re wrong. I don’t know where this is coming from, but you’re wrong. Why are you saying this—”

“Because it’s true!” John ran his hands over his face, then stepped around Alex. “I’m leaving.” 

“John—”

“Don’t follow me.” John wouldn’t turn around, wouldn’t look at him. “If you care about me at all, don’t follow me.” 

And John walked out and left Alex there. He walked down the sidewalk, and when he was far enough away for the Schuylers’ mansion to be nothing but bright lights in the distance, he let himself break down, sobbing. 

Alex stood there staring at the door, stunned. He was certain he’d be in less pain if someone took a knife and stabbed him repeatedly. His mind refused to make sense of everything John said to him, because it didn’t make any sense. How could John say all that stuff? How could he say that they didn’t belong together, when he made Alex feel more like himself than he’d felt in a long time, maybe ever? 

Alex stumbled downstairs like a zombie, lost and barely paying attention to what was in front of him. He couldn’t shake his gut feeling that something happened. It was more than the shit with his dad. Something happened, and it set John off. But what?

As soon as he got to the basement, his eyes caught Angelica’s, who glanced at him then looked away quickly. She shared a look with Maria, and Alex’s gut feeling only increased.

He walked up to the two of them. “Hey, Angelica, Maria.” 

“Hi, Alex.” Maria smirked at him, like she knew something he didn’t. Angelica didn’t say anything, just gave him a quick smile.

“Angelica, did you see someone say something to John? He just left and he was pretty upset, and he came from this direction so—”

“No, we didn’t see anything. Why?” Her response was a little too quick, and they both knew it. 

Alex should approach this with a little more subtlety. He knew how defensive Angelica could get, and he didn’t need Angelica or Maria guessing the truth about his feelings for John. But he was tired, he just had his heart curb stomped into the ground, and he wasn’t in the mood to mince words. 

“Did you say something to John?” Alex asked bluntly. “Angelica?” 

Angelica’s eyes flashed. “I said no. What are you so pressed about, Alex? This is a lot of drama over a _friend.”_

Alex heard the accusation behind the last word, and it set him off. “Yeah, I’m worried about my _friend._ My friend who ran out of here crying, talking about how he doesn’t belong here. Who was already fucked up over some shit with his dad. My friend who isn’t from here and isn’t used to all this shit like us. My friend who’s supposed to be _your_ friend, or have you forgotten that, Angelica? I thought you were looking out for him too.”

“He is my friend.” Angelica said, quiet enough for only him to hear. “Is he yours?” 

They were locked in an intense gaze, close enough to each other to look like they were either about to embrace or knock each other’s lights out. Alex didn't know what was about to come out of his mouth, but he was about to say something when Eliza rushed up to the two of them. 

“What is going on?” Eliza said, and her voice doused cold water over to the both of them.

Alex stepped backwards from Angelica, trying to calm himself down. “Nothing. I’m going home.” 

He stormed away from the girls. Eliza looked at Angelica, then went after Alex. Angelica let herself breathe after she left, heart pounding. 

“Yeah, you’re _so_ over him.” Maria said. 

“Girl, you’re lucky my cup is empty.” she snapped, and stalked off to get another drink. She fucking needed one.

Alex breathed in and out, trying to bring his temper back down. Angelica really knew how to push all of his buttons. He walked over to Lafayette, who was laying on the ground with his head on a girl’s lap, her hand playing with his poofy ponytail. 

“Laf, give me your car keys. I wanna go home.” 

Laf’s eyes were closed, and it was clear he was already too far gone. “Go where? I thought we were crashing here tonight. Otherwise I wouldn’t have drunk so much.” Him and the girl giggled.

“You can do whatever you want.” Alex said, patience wearing thin. “I haven’t drinken that much, I’ll drive myself home.” 

“Hercules took my keys. He didn’t want me driving.” Lafayette sighed. “He’s so good to me.”

Alex pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay, where’s Herc?” 

“I don’t know. We’re not, how do you say, chained to each other.” Lafayette’s eyes slid open. “Speaking of, where’s John?” 

“He left.” Alex said, blunt. 

“That explains your terrible mood.” Lafayette sat up and addressed the girl. _“Mademoiselle,_ will you excuse me? I need to help my friend.” 

He got up and pulled Alex to the side, putting a hand on his shoulder. “What happened, _mon ami?_ What did you do?” 

Alex shoved Lafayette’s hand off him. “I didn’t do anything. Not everything is my fault.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Lafayette said, a little apologetic. 

“No, you know what, it’s fine.” Alex said, already stepping away. “You can’t help me, you’re drunk off your ass. Go back to your girl. I’ll take an Uber home.” 

He turned around and ran right into Eliza, who had been standing behind him. “Shit, sorry, Eliza.”

“I can take you home.” she said. “I haven’t been drinking, and my car is out front.” 

“You don’t have to do that,” Alex said. He really, really, wanted to be alone right now. “It’s your party, you should stay. I’ll call a ride.” 

The look on Eliza’s face didn’t leave much room for an argument. “Let’s go.”

Alex sighed, and followed her up the stairs. 

***

The car ride was mostly silent at first, and Alex was thankful for that. It was like he had run out of gas, the weight of everything that happened crashing down on him. He put up his head against the window and closed his eyes. The memory of John’s heartbroken face haunted him, and he regretted letting him go. But he couldn’t force someone to want to stay with him, and John made it pretty clear what he wanted. 

It was quiet, and then Eliza said, out of nowhere, “How long have you and John been dating?” 

Alex grimaced. He kept his eyes closed and forced out the lie. “John and I aren’t dating.” Just saying the words made him sick to his stomach. 

Eliza was silent, and Alex thought maybe that would be it. Then she said, “Okay. How long have you been in love with him then?” 

Alex’s eyes flew open, and he sat up in his seat. “What? I’m not—we—it’s not—I’m not in love with him!” 

Eliza pinned him with a piercing gaze. “Alexander. If you want me to pretend that the two of you aren’t together, I can do that. For you, I can do that. But don’t insult my intelligence. I _know_ you, Alex. You think I don’t know what you look like when you’re in love?” 

Her words plowed into him like a freight truck, and all at once, he broke down.

“I didn't mean for this to happen,” Alex hunched over, burying his face in his hands. “I’m scared, Eliza. I didn’t mean to fall in love with him like this. I didn’t know I could love someone like this.”

Eliza pulled over to the side of the road and put the car in park. She put a hand on Alex’s back and said, “It’s okay, Alexander.” 

“I’m scared that I let him too far inside of me, and now I don’t feel right without him. I mean, fuck, when he walked out the door everything around me went grayscale. He took the colors with him, and I—fuck, I’ve never wanted to depend on another person like that. But I messed up. I think I need him now, and it just makes me feel so—” 

“Helpless?” Eliza said, and Alex chuckled.

“Yeah. Helpless.” Alex put his head down. “I wish I didn’t feel any of this.” 

“You don’t mean that,” Eliza insisted. “Love is complicated. It makes you laugh and cry and it breaks you down and it builds you back up. But the bad parts are worth the good parts, I think. And what the two of you have is special.” 

Alex shook his head. “I’m the one who’s in love with him. I don’t think he loves me back, and I don’t blame him. I mean, look at me. I have nothing to offer him.” 

Eliza smacked him across the head, with a look on her face that reminded so much of Angelica that it almost made him laugh. “Don’t be stupid. In the first place, John loves you. That much is obvious.”

Alex shook his head again. “I really don’t think so.” 

“He talks about you all the time. He’s always watching you, and he lights up whenever you walk into a room.” Eliza hesitated, then continued. “Trust me. I know…what it’s like to be in love with Alexander Hamilton. I can see it in his face how much he cares about you.”

“Eliza…” Alex felt terrible. What had John said to him once, _just because it’s not convenient for you, doesn’t mean it’s not true._ He was right, Alex had been ignoring the truth about Eliza’s feelings for a while, and it made him feel like a terrible friend. 

Eliza put a hand up. “Please, don’t. This isn’t about me right now. I love you, and I love John too. I want the two of you to be happy.” 

They embraced in a friendly hug, and Alex felt a rush of relief knowing that him and Eliza were gonna be okay from now on. 

“I won’t pretend to know what went down behind between, but you have to be patient with John.” she said. “It seems like he’s spent a lot of his life hiding.”

“He said he didn’t belong with me.” The words hurt to repeat. “That he didn’t fit into my life.” 

Eliza peered at him. “And do you believe him?”

_“No.”_ Alex’s response was lightning fast. “I can’t imagine my life without him.” 

She smiled at him. “Okay, then make him understand that.”

Alex’s expression became downcast again, like a shadow came over him. “What if he won’t listen? What if he shuts me out again? I don’t know if I could handle it.” 

“Keep telling him until he listens. Say it in a million different ways so he understands. Don’t let up on him until he lets you in.” Eliza started up the car. “That’s the Alexander I know. He fights for what he wants.” 

Alex nodded to himself. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I’m never gonna give up on John, ever. Thanks, Eliza.” 

Eliza pulled the car back onto the road. “Always.” 

They drove on in companionable silence, until Alex spoke up again. “How did you know we were dating, anyway?” 

Eliza didn’t speak at first, even though she knew the answer. She’ll never forget the moment she met John, the way Alex kept glancing back to look at him even while he was hugging her. When John said he was sick, later on, the way Alex turned away from her felt like the sun spinning out of her orbit, leaving nothing but traces of warmth. And when Alex walked out the door after him, she knew it was over between the two of them, and a little part of her broke. But her eyes continued to follow Alex, like they always had, and there was nothing more obvious than two people falling in love if you were looking. 

She shrugged and said, “Just a hunch.”

***

When John woke up, his mouth tasted like something had died in there and he had a hangover so bad he had to run to the bathroom to throw up. He was still in his button up and suit pants from last night, the memories of which were coming back to him slowly. He crouched down and dug through the bag of medicine Alex bought him some time ago for Advil, then thought, _Alex._

He stood up quickly and groaned as his head pounded at the sudden movement. The events of last night played back in his head like a movie, and John flew into a panic. Was he out of his fucking mind? How could he say all that shit to Alex? Alex’s hurt, devastated expression appeared in his head, and John wanted to throw himself off a building. Alex was the only one who knew him completely and cared about him anyway, and John thanked him by throwing his care and affection right back in his face. What was wrong with him? 

He took the Advil and collapsed in bed. He had to fix this. He’d apologize to Alex sincerely and beg for his forgiveness. Hopefully it wasn’t too late, and Alex hadn’t decided he was done with him. _Done with me._ Just the thought of it made John shake. He had to fix this. He pulled out his phone ready to call Alex, when his hands froze. 

Because he may have been freaking out last night, but was he lying? Alex was a better person than him, surrounded by great people, destined to do great things. John was chained down by his father’s will, with no way to break free without throwing his family into chaos. Maybe…maybe Alex would be better off with someone else. If their relationship ended like this, maybe it was better for the both of them. 

_Fuck that._ John thought, and picked up his phone again. He talked a big game, but if he had the strength to let Alex go, he would’ve already let Alex go. No, he was going to hold onto him until he couldn’t anymore. 

**John:** Can we talk? 

**John:** I’m so so so so sorry about last night. I was drunk and upset but that’s no excuse I was being a real asshole

**John:** I’m sorry

**John:** If you don’t want to see me I totally understand

He put his phone down before he could spam Alex with any more messages. Every minute waiting for Alex to respond felt like agony. If Alex really didn’t want to talk to him, he’d accept it. He took having a second of someone like Alex’s attention for granted, so it was only right he pay the price. 

John’s phone vibrated, and he held it up to his face in an instant. 

**Alex <333: **Of course I want to see you 

**Alex <333:** I was about to text you and if you didn’t text me back I was gonna bust down your door all dramatic and shit

John let out a laugh, relief flooding through him. 

**Alex <333: **Meet @ park in 10? 

**John:** I’ll be there

John got dressed quickly and ran out the door. Hangover be damned, he was going to get to Alex as soon as possible. 

Like usual, Alex was already there when John arrived at the park. He ran up to John as soon as he saw him. 

Alex reached a hand out to touch him, then put it back down. John’s stomach dropped at the aborted motion. Alex didn’t want to touch him? 

“How are you feeling?” Alex asked. “I’m pretty sure you drank everyone else under the table.” 

John pressed a hand to his forehead. “I feel like someone’s bashing my head in with a rock right now.” 

Alex threw his head back and laughed. “I’ve been there.” 

John grinned at him, and he almost forgot what he was there to do. He sobered up immediately and let the smile drop from his face. “Alex, I’m so sorry.” 

Alex’s eyes flew up to look at him. “John—” 

“Please, let me talk.” John said. “Let me explain myself.” 

Alex opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, but held back. He nodded and let John continue. 

The words came out of him like an avalanche. “I shouldn’t have said any of that shit. You were right, I was upset and taking it out on you and I wanted to take back everything I said as soon as I walked out the door. It was my dad’s voice in my head, messing with me. He said—he told me to stay away from you, and then he started saying all this other shit about my future and wives and I couldn’t say anything back to him. I couldn’t say anything. All I could do was run away like a little kid. And then hearing the shit Angelica said—”

“What did Angelica say?” Alex said, alert. 

John ignored the question. He hadn’t meant to mention the shit with Angelica, and he wasn’t going to repeat her words again. “—it all fucked me up. I ended up blowing up at you and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Alex, you didn’t deserve that.” 

John bit his lip. There was something else he had to get out there, because it was killing him keeping it inside. He had to put it on the table. “But…but what I said. It’s not like it’s not true.” 

Alex’s head snapped up. “John, stop.” 

“Alex, you deserve better than me.” It hurt to say, but it was the truth. “You should be with someone who can hold your hand in public, and kiss you in front of everyone, and shout from the rooftops that you’re their boyfriend. And I want that to be me, but it’s not. So if this whole thing made you rethink us, that’s okay. You deserve the world, and I—”

“John, shhh.” Alex had moved forward to put his hands on John’s face. John hadn’t realized he’d been crying till he felt the wetness roll down his cheeks. 

Alex dragged him over to a nearby bench, where they both sat down. Alex pressed their foreheads together, and John felt his chest unclench and his breathing slow down. He automatically relaxed any time Alex did this to him. 

“So, your dad wants you to stay away from me.” Alex ran his fingers over John’s cheeks. “Are you gonna listen to him?” 

_“Fuck_ no.” John said immediately. “You’ve given more of a shit about me in the past few months than he has in the past eight years. I don’t give a fuck what he wants, it’s not his choice.” 

Alex’s lips quirked up. “Good. Okay, next question: do you want to be with me?” 

John pulled away, surprised at the question. He looked into Alex’s eyes and saw that he was completely serious, his gaze unwavering. So John gave him a serious answer. 

“Yes.” he said, voice resolute. “Maybe it’d be easier if I didn’t, but I don’t know how to stop. I want you more than anything.” 

Alex let out of a heavy breath, and buried his face in John’s neck. “Thank god. I thought it was just me.” 

John wondered if Alex could feel his pulse beating hard, just beneath his skin. 

“All I want is to be happy, and you make me happier than anyone I’ve ever met.” Alex said. “That’s all I want. So you don’t say you don’t deserve me or that we don’t belong together, okay? You and me, we’re meant to be. I don’t give a fuck what anyone else says.” 

They reached for each other, hands interlocking. They pressed their foreheads together again and John felt like a huge weight had been lifted off him, like all the grime from his father’s words had been scrubbed clean from his skin. And it was all due to the miracle that was Alex Hamilton. 

“What?” Alex said as John laughed to himself.

John glanced up at him and touched his thumb to the corner of Alex’s mouth. “Nothing, I was just thinking about how much I want to kiss you right now.” 

Alex groaned. “Fuck, George and Martha took the day off. Maybe we could break into Laf’s house? Or I could sneak you into my room up the fire escape.”

“Too far.” John complained, then his eyes lit up. “Come on, let’s go. I have an idea.” 

Alex let John pull him up from the bench. “Where are we going?” 

John didn’t answer him, he just led them through the park. He had been running through the trails enough to know it inside and out, so he took them off the main path and into the woodsy part of the park. The lush greenery from the tall trees and bushes obscured them from view, and John moved the two of them backwards until his back was against a tree with Alex pinned against him. 

Alex put his hands against the tree, bracketing him in. “I like this idea. It’s a little scandalous coming from you, though. John Laurens, making out with his boyfriend against a tree, it’s really—” 

“Alex, talk less.” John pulled him in and sealed their lips together. 

There was never a time when kissing Alex didn’t make his stomach swoop and his heart beat out of his chest, but it felt even better knowing that they were on the same page with their feelings. Their kisses were rapt and passionate, and John didn’t think anything could make him happier than he was right then, wrapped up in Alex. 

***

The next week is uneventful. It wasn’t like they didn’t do anything, but it wasn’t anything special to take note of. John went to see a play with Martha, had a picnic with all his siblings and Aunt Betsy. Alex’s family celebrated George’s rising numbers in polls with a dinner of George’s favorite foods. The guys went to the Schuylers’ house for a movie night and ended up sleeping over, since the girls’ parents were still out of town. John wasn’t speaking to Angelica, but no one noticed that except John and Angelica. John fell asleep in Alex’s arms while they were hanging out in his room, and Alex thought about telling John that he loved him, just to say it out loud. But he decided against it, because that would be so unsatisfying. He wanted to see the look in John’s eyes when he said it. All in all, a nice, typical week. 

Then, Monday hit. 

***

Monday morning, Alex’s eyes fluttered at the sound of people moving throughout the house. Someone raised their voice, then quieted back down. It sounded like Abby, George’s campaign manager, but he didn’t know why she’d be here so early. Alex rolled over and slipped back into sleep. 

The next time he woke up, it was because someone was knocking at his door. He groaned, refusing to open his eyes. There was a continuous rumbling sound underneath his bed, and he realized he must've dropped his phone. 

Alex heard the door swing open, which annoyed him. George and Martha were usually good about waiting for his permission before coming in. He raised his head and saw George making his way over his bed. 

George carefully sat down near him on the bed. “Alexander.” 

Alex put his head back down on the pillow. “Yeah?” 

And George said, “How long have you been seeing Senator Laurens’ son?” 

The words were so unexpected, so inconceivable, that Alex didn’t process them at first. In fact, he yawned and said, “What are you talking about? You’re not supposed to know about that.” 

Then he heard exactly what George said, and he sat up instantly. His eyes were wide open and panicked. “W—What are you talking about? I’m not seeing Senator Laurens’ son. I barely even know him.” 

_Senator Laurens’ son._ The words sounded cold and devoid of meaning. They didn’t describe John, his John. 

The look on George’s face was something akin to pity. “You haven’t been on your phone yet this morning.” 

George continued talking, but Alex had already stopped listening. He tore out of bed and scrambled underneath it with his phone, which was filled with frantic texts from his friends and a lot of Twitter mentions. He clicked on one of the notifications and saw pictures of him. And John. Talking on the park bench, faces close. Holding hands on the bench. And blurry, but clear enough pictures of him and John pressed up against a tree, kissing. And to be honest, it’s a miracle he didn’t pass out. 

“—and trust me when I say the reporter who posted those pictures is going to have hell to pay.” He clocked back into George’s voice. “No one deserves to have their privacy violated like that, especially young men like you and Laurens’ boy.”

“I have to call John.” he choked out. “I have to call John.” 

George tried to walk around to put a hand on Alex’s shoulder, but Alex jumped backwards violently. “Don’t. Please, can you just leave me alone? I have to call John and I want…I want to be alone.”

“Son…” George looked like he wanted to argue with him, but decided against it. “Okay, I’ll leave you be for now.” 

As soon as George left, Alex let the breaths explode out of him, loud and fast. How the _fuck_ could this happen? They had been so careful, they’d taken so many precautions, and it didn’t fucking matter. They were #1 trending on Twitter right now and it didn’t fucking matter. He had to call John. Fuck, what was he going to say to John?

He picked up his phone, ready to dial John’s number, then saw that _John_ was calling _him._

***

When a disaster happens, your life splits in a Before and an After. The Before became more memorable than it would’ve otherwise, bathed in a rose-colored filter, because of what was to happen After. You treasure the Before more, because you’ll never get it back. You’re in the After, now. 

Before the news hit John, he woke up in bed like any other day. His phone was on his bedside table, on silent and turned facedown like it was every night. He sat up and stretched his arms up, then got ready for his morning run. He thought about what he was going to eat for breakfast. He thought about what playlist he was going to listen to on his run. He thought about the funny video he watched last night, and reminded himself to show it to Alex when he saw him again. And then he smiled to himself, because that was what he always did when he thought of Alex. 

He walked out of his room and headed for the kitchen to fill up his water bottle, when he heard Betsy talking on the phone. She didn’t sound very happy. 

“—and I resent that. God, is that your biggest concern right now? Playing the blame game? I’d be more concerned with the violation of your child’s privacy, not to mention the complete lack of integrity from the media. Oh, stop, stop it! He did nothing wrong. He’s just a boy! And I didn’t see any crime committed in those pho—oh.” 

Aunt Betsy had come out of the kitchen and seen John standing there, frozen. “Oh, morning, honey. Can you give me one second?”

Betsy turned around, addressing the person on the phone. “I have to go. No, I’d rather be dealing with the mess outside my house than talking with you. You can call me back when you feel like being a father.” She hung up the phone.

John’s head snapped up. “Auntie, what’s going on? Was that Dad? Is everything alright?” 

Betsy plastered a smile on her face, too bright and obviously fake. “Everything’s fine! But I was wondering if you could skip your run this morning. Actually, I’d like it if you stayed at home today. We could make it a family day, play some games with the kids. 

She was hiding something, that much was clear. “What’s going on?” he asked again. 

The conversation was cut off by the door slamming and footsteps stomping in their direction. John turned to see Martha running up to him, in tears. 

“I’m supposed to be your sister.” she said. “I’m your _sister._ I’m always by your side, I’m always trusting you. But you don’t trust me. You don’t think you can lean on me? I’m not good enough for you?” 

John was so, so confused. “Martha, what are you talking about? Of course I trust you.” 

She laughed harshly, then stormed away. John looked back at Betsy, waiting for someone to please tell him what the hell he woke up into, but Betsy wouldn’t meet his eyes. 

Martha came back, phone in hand. She shoved it in his face and said, “You trust me? Then why am I finding out shit about you on Twitter? The whole world knew before me!” 

John took the phone from her hands, and looked at what she was trying to show him. And when he saw, it was as if the entire floor had dropped out underneath him, and the phone slipped out of his hands and dropped to the floor with a loud clatter. He ran back to his room, ignored his sister and aunt calling his name and just ran. 

He ran straight for his phone and pulled up Twitter and it was true. Like a nightmare come to life, there were pictures of him and Alex and they were _everywhere._ Pictures with nothing left to imagination, just indisputable proof of his relationship with Alex for the whole world to see. 

John fell to his knees. His legs just gave up on him, like even they couldn’t withstand the weight of how well and truly fucked he was. 

There was a knock on the door, then Betsy’s voice filtered through. “John? I won’t come in, I know you want to be alone right now. But I’m going to tell you this now, so you can prepare yourself. I don’t want you to be blindsided like you were just now.” 

“What is it?” It surprised him that he could even speak. 

“I—well. That was Henry I was speaking with on the phone. He’d wanted me to tell you that he'll be here on Friday.” 

His entire world imploded just like that. Before he could let himself spiral fully out of control, his fingers picked up the phone and dialed the only person it made sense for him to call at that moment. 

This time, when he heard Alex’s voice, it broke his heart. 

“I don't know how this happened!” Alex started in without even saying hello. “We were so careful and I—fuck, I’m sorry, John. I’m really, truly, fucking sorry.” 

“So I guess you’ve seen the pictures.” He didn’t know what else to say. 

“I saw them. George woke me up to interrogate me, and the press are camped outside my house and I think Abby is having a fucking meltdown—but that doesn’t matter right now. How are you?”

“How am I?” The question was so ludicrous that he didn’t answer. 

He could practically hear Alex cringing over the phone. “Okay, dumb question. Look, there has to be a way we can spin this. We can find some way to change the story or prove that it’s not what it looks like.” 

“They’ve got pictures of us kissing in HD, Alex.” John said slowly. “Spin what?” 

“I know, I know, but it’s not as bad as it looks. Just trust me, I can—” 

_“Trust_ you? Trusting you is what got us into this fucking mess! Our faces are all over the fucking Internet, do you get that? My sister’s seen it, my _dad’s_ seen it, everyone’s seen it. There’s nothing we can say.” John boiled over for a second, before freezing over again, ice in his veins. 

“I know.” Alex said, miserable. “We’ll figure it out, okay? George and Martha are on our side. As long as the two of us stick together—” 

“There is no ‘we’. No ‘us’.” It was like someone else was saying the words from far, far away, and John was just listening. “This was a mistake.” 

Alex exhaled like the air was knocked out of him. “Don’t say that. Whatever you’re about to do just stop and—”

“I can’t do this anymore.” John was ripping his own heart into shreds, but he couldn't stop. He had to do this. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” 

“John, please.” He could hear Alex’s heart breaking, and it was more than he could bear. 

He had to let him go. “Goodbye.” 

“John—”

But he was already hanging up the phone, dropping it in front of him, his hands shaking violently. He didn’t have the strength to move, so he curled up on the floor and broke down, crying and crying until he had nothing left to give. 

***

“John, I love you. Please, don't do this.”

But the only response Alex got were three beeps and the click of a line disconnected. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boy who stole Alex’s heart without his permission ripped it out of his chest, just as easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew this chapter had too many intense scenes, so I had to break it up. The next chapter is for sure the final one. So I guess what I'm saying is, BUCKLE UP 
> 
> (also I'm gonna put a warning here and say that John and his father have a pretty intense argument, so if it brings up any bad feelings or memories for anyone feel free to skim it)

Alex held the phone to his ear for a few minutes, numb. It hadn’t quite hit him yet that the call had disconnected. That John was gone. The realization of what had just happened was coming to him slowly, in waves. Like his body was trying to ease him into the pain he was about to experience. With the first wave, he threw his phone across the room in a burst of raw emotion, but barely registered the sound of it slamming against the floor. He vaguely heard the sound of someone breathing loudly, and then he realized that was him. 

There was a knock at the door, and Martha’s head poked out. “I’m just checking to see how you’re doing. Are you okay, honey?” 

The question undid him. The second wave came through and _devastated_ him, because it had hit him that this wasn’t fake, this wasn’t a bad dream. John didn’t say _goodbye_ like _I’ll see you later,_ he said _goodbye_ like _goodbye,_ like he was disappearing right in front of Alex’s eyes. He was _gone_. 

Alex collapsed to the ground, and Martha rushed forward to catch him. He was sobbing so hard he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, could barely see past his own tears. He was curled up on Martha’s lap, crying harder than he had in a long time. 

“He left me.” Alex said, like the words were torn out of him. “I love him, and he left me. Why do you people keep leaving me?” 

A pained look appeared on Martha’s face, and she rubbed circles in his back. “Oh, Alexander. It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

Alex cried harder. “No. Not without him.” 

Martha just held him tight as he cried, her hands a comforting presence. She stayed by him for who knew how long, until Alex had no more tears left to give and his breathing had evened out. She stroked his hair back in a rhythmic motion, and it reminded him of his mom. How long had it been since he let himself fall to pieces in front of someone? 

“So,” Martha began, resettling herself on the floor. “I’m guessing this wasn’t just a one-off thing with the Laurens boy?” 

Alex sat up, sniffling. “No. We…I met him at the first debate.” 

Martha’s eyebrows raised. “That long ago?”

Alex nodded. “I’m sorry I hid it from you and George, but knew what you guys were gonna say. George would tell Abby, Abby would say it’s a bad idea, and George would agree with her.”

“To be fair, it’s not the best idea.” Martha admitted. “From their perspective.” 

_You’re the worst idea I’ve ever had,_ John’s words echoed in his head, but he shook them off. It hurt too much to think about. “Our feelings had nothing to do with the campaign. Either campaign. I just…I didn’t want politics to get involved.” 

“I understand, honey.” Martha reassured him. “I should’ve known. Only something real special could take you away from a good debate.”

Alex gave her a weak smile, before tearing up again. “John is everything.” 

Martha put an arm around him, and he let his head rest on her shoulder. “What happened?” 

“He dumped me.” It hurt like shit to say out loud, but he had to acknowledge it for himself. “I wanted to take this on together, and he broke up with me.” 

“I don’t know what to do, Martha.” he continued. “It hurts so bad.” 

“I’m sorry, baby. Love is like that sometimes. It makes you feel like you’re on fire, but sometimes you get burned.” she told him. “You want my advice?”

Alex nodded. He’d do anything to stop this gnawing, painful feeling inside of him. 

“Give him time,” she said. “John knew the risks when he got involved with you. He knew what might happen if his father or anyone found out, and he chose to enter into a relationship with you anyway. He wouldn’t do that unless he deeply, deeply cared for you.” 

“Obviously not enough,” Alex said bitterly. “Not enough to stop him from leaving.”

“He’s scared.” Martha replied patiently. “Growing up in a conversative household, with a man like Henry Laurens? I think it’s a miracle you two found each other, and that you were able to share a piece of yourself with each other.”

“Love isn’t just about holding each other close,” Martha went on. “It’s about being able to let the other person go, knowing that they’ll find their way back to you. You have to let him come back to you on his own time.”

“What if he doesn’t come back?” Alex asked, looking distraught. “What do I do then?” 

“You mourn, then you stand up on your own two feet and keep moving forward.” she replied, not bothering to sugarcoat her words. “You’ll be okay. Not immediately, maybe not for a while, but one day you’ll be okay again. You'll come out of the whole thing a stronger person.” 

“Will you stay with me?” He didn’t want to be alone just yet. Martha was the only one keeping him together right now, and he was so, so grateful for her. 

Martha smiled and held him tighter. “Always.”

  


***

  


In the end, Martha was right. They only stayed broken up for a week. A long, miserable, life-changing week. 

On Tuesday, Alex woke up and looked at the clock. He sprang up in bed, frantic because he’d overslept for his morning jog. He wondered why John hadn’t called him, and then he remembered. 

He slumped back onto the bed, furiously scrubbing away the tears that had appeared at the corner of his eyes. Was this what every day was going to be like from now on? Waking up, reaching for something that was no longer there. Letting each day go by, until the sight of John’s smile or the sound of his laugh became nothing more than a vague memory. The thought of _John_ being unfamiliar to him crushed him where he laid down. It was unthinkable. 

There was a knock at the door. “Get up, Alexander! I made pancakes!” Martha’s voice filtered through the door. 

Alex groaned and put the covers over his head. He didn’t feel like moving. Honestly, he hadn’t planned on doing anything today that required him to leave his room. All he wanted to do was be alone and wallow in his misery.

“I’m good,” he called back.

The door swung open, and Martha walked up to him and yanked the covers off. 

“Hey!” Alex tried to grab the covers again, but Martha held fast. 

“You have plenty of time today to mope. Right now, you’re going to eat the nice, balanced breakfast I slaved over the stove to make for you.” she said sternly. “I’ll drag you out of this bed myself if I have to.” 

Alex didn’t have the energy to argue with her, so he followed her to the kitchen, where a stack of fluffy, buttermilk pancakes were sitting on the kitchen table, along with two cups of orange juice. 

Alex took a seat at the table. “You know, you didn’t have to take off work. I’m fine.” Martha had taken the full week off from her job as soon as the photos came out, knowing that she’d be needed at home. 

Martha searched around the cabinets for syrup. “Nonsense. There’s plenty of work I can do from home, and I’m glad for any excuse to spend more time with you before you go off to college.” 

Alex rolled his eyes. “And you can keep an eye on me and make sure I don’t sneak out.” 

Martha sat down across from him and placed the syrup on the table. “That too.” 

The prevailing theory from George’s team was that a reporter must’ve been skulking around their home the day after the gala, hoping maybe to catch George doing something improper. When he saw Alex leaving early in the morning instead, the reporter must’ve gotten suspicious and followed him, where he saw Alex with John, recognized John as John Laurens, and took the pictures. As a result, George and Martha agreed that Alex should put on lockdown, for his own protection. 

“We’re not grounding you,” Martha repeated again now, putting some pancakes on Alex’s plate. “You’ve done nothing wrong. But reporters are like rats. We’ve cleared most of them out, but who knows where the rest are hiding, waiting for you to give them something else to blow out of proportion? It’s better for you to stay home for now.”

“Like I said, you don’t have to worry.” Alex tried to have an attitude, but it’s hard to act tough around a mouthful of pancakes. “Where am I gonna go?” 

He will admit, there was a delirious moment last night, while he was tossing and turning in bed, that he thought about running to John’s place and begging him to take him back. But that was just a fantasy. He’d already texted repeatedly and called John numerous times, with no response. The last thing he wanted to do was make John’s life harder than he already had. 

After breakfast, he laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He wanted to do something to get his mind off of everything, but nothing appealed to him. He didn’t feel like reading or watching Netflix, or playing video games. He decided to get up and write in his journal, only to fling it back on his desk when he saw that his last entry was an unfinished letter he was drafting to John. It was as if John’s existence had soaked into every corner of his life, and now Alex had nowhere to run. 

He fell face-first onto the bed and thought about going back to sleep, when his phone rang. He picked it up and saw that it was Lafayette calling him again. He’d been calling Alex over and over again since yesterday, but Alex hadn’t been in the mood to talk to anyone. He thought about ignoring his call again, but he’d rather talk to Lafayette than be alone with his thoughts. 

“Alex! Are you okay? Are you alive? What did George and Martha say? Have you—” Lafayette was speaking so fast, Alex could barely hear him. 

“I’m alive,” Alex cut in. “George and Martha have me on lockdown.” 

“That’s not fair! It’s not your fault the media are such scum.” Lafayette exclaimed. _“Mon dieu,_ I wish I could knock out whoever posted those photos. They had no right.” 

“George and Martha aren’t mad at me, they’re just worried about reporters following me.” Alex explained. “Actually, they’ve been really good about the whole secret relationship thing.” 

“Oh, that’s good.” Lafayette paused, then said, “How’s John?” 

Alex was silent. Then he slowly forced out the words, “I have no idea. He broke up with me.” 

Lafayette gasped loudly. “No!” 

“No, yeah, he was pretty clear about that.” He tried to sound unaffected, but the hurt leaked through every part of his voice. “And he won’t take my calls or answer my texts.” 

“I’m so sorry, Alex. I can’t believe this.” Lafayette sounded genuinely upset, like this had happened to him. “He doesn’t mean it. John loves you, he just—” 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Alex shut Lafayette down. “But Laf, promise me you’ll reach out to him. He must feel so alone right now, and he needs someone on his side. I—If it can’t be me, then you have to be there for him. Promise me.” 

His heart broke, thinking of John going through this by himself. _His choice,_ a part of him thought spitefully. But even if he was upset with John, he still didn’t want him to be in pain. He was going to look out for John as much as John would let him. 

“You don’t need to tell me that,” Lafayette responded. “He’s my friend too. More than that, he’s like a brother to me. Of course I’m going to look out for him.”

“Thank you.” And he relaxed a little, knowing that not only did he have good friends, but so did John.

“Now, let’s talk about something fun.” He heard Lafayette clap his hands together. “Did I tell you about the ridiculous luncheon I went to with my parents the other day?” 

“No.” Alex said, and settled into bed. Yeah, they had amazing friends. 

On Wednesday, Alex was moping in full force. He blasted sad music on his speakers, ate ice cream out of the carton while he watched shitty romcoms on his laptop and screamed at the characters like they could hear him. 

Eventually, he got pathetic enough to reach up to the top shelf in his closet and pull down the shoebox he had affectionately referred to as his Turtle Box. It was where he placed every drawing John had ever done for him, from little drawings of sea animals to sweeping portraits of Alex’s face. All of them were done with such love and care, he thought they were ten times better than any letter Alex wrote. 

He sat with his back facing the bedroom door and went through each page, every drawing another knife to the heart. He stopped on one page titled _My Favorite Things,_ where the paper was filled to the brim with all the things he liked about Alex. There were mini drawings of his lips and hands and hair. His eyes, though, took up most of the space. John wrote a note underneath that said, _Your eyes, man…the first time I saw them I was drowning in them, fucking down for the count. I was always nervous looking at you, cuz I thought those eyes would see right through me. Sorry I can’t capture them well yet, this will have to do for now. When you’re looking at me, Alex, nothing else exists._

Alex sniffled, holding onto the paper so hard it almost crumpled. It was so clear how John felt about him in these drawings. How much of his attention Alex had and how much he treasured him. He drew his hands right down to the length of his fingernails, captured his smile right down to the wrinkles at the corner of his eyes. And yet he said, so coldly, _This was a mistake._ The boy who stole Alex’s heart without his permission ripped it out of his chest, just as easy. 

“Oh, _hell_ no.”

Alex turned around to see Angelica bursting through his bedroom door, heading straight for the speakers. 

“Friends don’t let friends waste away to _Sam Smith.”_ she said, and turned off the music. “If it was Taylor Swift, I’d have to hit you.”

The rest of the gang streamed through the door, Lafayette, Hercules, Peggy, and Eliza, looking apologetic. 

“We were going to knock first, but _someone_ decided to barge in ahead of us.” Eliza said, sending a pointed look Angelica’s way. 

Angelica shrugged. “Sorry.”

Lafayette walked up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. “How are you doing, _mon ami?”_

“I’m fine.” he said, but it was hard to sell when he was wrapped up in a blanket with his hair in a messy ponytail, drawings obviously from John spread around him.

“Sure.” Peggy said slowly. “We believe you.” 

Alex sighed. “What are you guys doing here? I’m surprised Martha didn’t turn you away at the door.” 

Lafayette gingerly moved the empty ice cream carton on his bed and sat down. “Martha called us. She said you needed something to brighten your spirits.” 

Alex thought about denying it, but who was he kidding? He had been going in circles, thinking about where he went wrong and sinking into his sadness. At least his friends might distract him, if only for a few minutes. 

The group settled into a sort of circle. Alex and Hercules sat against his dresser on the floor while Peggy and Eliza sat against his desk. Angelica hopped up on the bed on the next to Lafayette, and Alex took in each of their faces. 

“So, what have you guys been up to?” Alex asked, and the group launched into their stories. 

Hercules updated him on how his apprenticeship was going and how his parents were giving him the opportunity to include a design of his own in their upcoming collection. Peggy complained about the books she had to read for her summer homework, and Eliza talked about her Barnard orientation she went to, how beautiful the campus was. The closest anyone got to talking about what happened was Angelica, who mentioned how much more she’d been on social media lately. 

“With you gone, I’ve been taking on all these trolls myself.” she said. “All this shit is reminding why I deleted Twitter off my phone. It’s not good for my sanity.”

“Aw, Angelica, you don’t have to deal with those idiots.” Alex said. 

“Yeah, I do. No one’s gonna talk shit about my friends while I’m around to hear it.” Angelica shot back, fierce look in her eyes. 

Alex’s chest warmed, grateful all over again for having these people in his life. “Thanks. Seriously, guys, thanks for checking up on me.” 

Hercules clapped a hand on his shoulder. “What are you thanking us for? That’s what friends do?” 

“Yeah, we were gonna bust down your door whether you wanted us to or not!” Peggy said. 

They all smiled at each other, and then a silence fell over the room. The kind of silence where everyone was waiting for someone else to start talking first, to address the big ass elephant in the room.

Alex was never good at waiting. “Fine, I’ll say it. Has anyone talked to John yet?” 

It was almost funny how everyone avoided his gaze all at once. There was more silence for a moment, and then Lafayette said, “We’ve texted, briefly. He didn’t say much to me, but I get the sense that he’s not doing…well.” 

“I talked on the phone with him earlier today.” Eliza said. 

All of Alex’s attention snapped to her. “What? What did he say? How did he sound? Did he…did he ask about me?” The words popped out of his mouth before he could hold the desperation in. 

“He’s doing about as well as he can, considering everything.” Eliza said. “I think he’s scared and he feels like he’s alone.” 

Alex hugged his knees to his chest. “He didn’t have to be alone.” 

Eliza looked at him sharply. “Alexander, think of it from his side of things. He doesn’t know how his father’s going to react, there’s paparazzi crawling all over where he lives, so he can’t leave his house. And on top of that, he’s used to dealing with everything on his own. He needs time and space to sort everything out.” 

Alex felt a flash of anger. He wanted to snap back, _how do you know what he needs?_ But he held his tongue. Anyway, maybe she did. John picked up her phone call, not his. Maybe he trusted her more than Alex. 

“Can I just say, I totally called you two being a couple.” Peggy said, cutting the tension. “If that’s what you guys are. I’m so confused on the who what when where of all this.” 

Angelica gave her a reproachful look from the bed. “Peggy. Not the time.”

He took a deep breath and said in one breath, “Yes, me and John were dating. Since the beginning of July. Yeah, that long. We kept it from you guys because John was worried that if too many people knew, it’d get back to his dad. Ironic, I know. And no, we’re not together anymore. He dumped me over the phone as soon as the pictures came out.”

Alex paused. “Does that answer all your questions? Anything else you wanna know?”

The room was silent again for a moment. Then Peggy said, “Wow. I’m honestly shocked you were able to keep anything secret for that long.” 

“I mean, Laf and Herc knew.” Alex shrugged. 

Peggy whipped around to Herc. “What? Herc!” 

Hercules cringed. “Oh, shit.” 

Peggy glared at him, betrayed. “You lied to me!” 

“I did what I had to do!” Hercules defended himself. “I promised I wouldn’t say anything.” 

Alex’s gaze darted between the two of them. “What are you talking about?” 

Peggy pointed at Herc. “I asked him point blank if you were hooking with John, and he told me you just had super unrequited feelings for him!” 

This information clicked some things together in Alex’s head. “Wait, is this why you’ve been so nice to me lately?” 

“I thought you were _pining!_ I felt sorry for you!” Peggy moaned. 

Everyone burst out laughing, and it was the first time a smile had come to Alex’s face in days. The dark cloud that had been relentlessly hovering above him loosened up. 

“Thank god,” Angelica said, still laughing a little. “I was praying to God you didn’t have a crush on Alex.” 

Peggy made a face like she’d just sucked on a lemon. “Ew. Miss me with that bullshit.” 

The laughter started up again. “Peggy, I just got my heart broken! Be nice to me now!” Alex said. 

The conversation flowed easier after that. They talked and played some card games with a deck Lafayette found in the corner of Alex’s room. They all wisely avoided discussing John any further. Despite all their joking around, the wound was fresh for Alex. Still, John’s absence was an emptiness felt by everyone in the room, even if no one mentioned it. 

Alex’s friends left once it got dark. Each of them gave him a long hug filled with meaning and basically told him they had his back. Eliza was the last one to say goodbye to him, and she gave him the longest hug. 

“He did ask about you,” Eliza said, and Alex’s heart leapt in his throat. “Be patient with him, Alexander. For him, he’s going through the unimaginable.” 

Alex just nodded. He didn’t have the words right then, caught up on the fact that John asked about him. That meant John still cared about him, even if just a little bit. 

Eliza gave him another hug and left. 

He ate dinner with his family in much lighter spirits. But he noticed the looks George and Martha were exchanging, and a seed of anxiety spread out in his chest. 

“What is it?” he asked bluntly. They turned to look at him, startled. “Just say it.”

Another silent conversation between the two of them. Then George said, “Let me start by saying that you’re allowed to say no. I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.” 

“Don’t try to be tough.” Martha added. “You’re completely allowed to say no.” 

Alex glanced between the two of them. “Jesus, what is it?” 

“We’re holding a press conference tomorrow to discuss…well, this whole situation.” George explained. “It’s blown up in a way that I don’t entirely understand. At this point, it’s better to address it head-on than to stay silent. It’s not like you’ve done anything to be ashamed of.” 

The anxiety grew. “So where do I come in?” 

“I’d like it if you came to the press conference with me.” George said. “You don’t have to speak if you don’t want, of course, but it feels odd to talk about your relationship without you there. I want people to realize what they’re wasting their time on: the love lives of teenagers, which have nothing to do with them.”

“I think this is a bad idea.” The expression on Martha’s face made it clear that her and George had fought about this. “They exploited Alexander’s life for a quick buck. He’s under no obligation to respond to anything they have to say.” 

“I’m not planning on turning this into a Q&A.” George glared at her, then looked back at Alex. “I’m furious that because of me, the media thought it was their right to violate your privacy. So I’m going to make a statement, that’s all. Your role in this is whatever you want it to be. I won’t push.” 

Alex was silent, thinking. Then he said, “I’ll do it. I’ll go to the press conference.”

“Are you sure?” Martha asked him immediately. 

He clenched his fists under the table. “I’m sure.” 

So that’s how Alex found himself on Thursday, driving down to the meeting room where the press conference was taking place. Apparently, the room was going to be packed with reporters and the press conference was going to be broadcast live on all the major news networks. Alex had never felt so disgusted. Why wasn’t everyone this hyped up about universal healthcare or gun reform or taxing the 1%? No, him kissing a boy was what was gonna get everyone off their seats. It seriously made him question how much he wanted to get involved with politics at all in the future. 

He agreed to sit with George, but not to speak. In a way, he agreed with both George and Martha. The media didn’t deserve to know a thing about him or John or their relationship, and he wasn’t going to fucking give it to them. But being completely absent from the meeting would come off like he was hiding, like he’d done something shameful. Alexander Hamilton didn’t hide. He confronted everything standing loud and proud, and that wasn’t about to change now. He’d sit there and look each reporter dead in the eye, contempt clear on his face.

The whole way over, he thought of John. He’d spent the past few days trying to block all the memories from his mind, but now they gave him comfort. No, more than that, they gave him strength. He remembered how he felt when he and John reunited for the first time, all those months ago. When they embraced, John’s body fit perfectly with his and he knew he was screwed, so screwed. He thought about the way John looked at him, the first time they kissed, like he was seeing Alex for the first time. And that night at the lake house, oh man. Their bodies cupped around each other, hands flitting up and down every part of bare skin they could touch. John looked in awe, like they were creating something new to the world just from the movement of their bodies. The memories came, one after the other. 

Alex held his head high as he was ushered into the meeting room, George a constant presence by his side. The flash from the excessive amount of cameras in the room blinded his eyes. He stepped onto the platform, and the moment George and him sat down, a barrage of questions exploded into the air.

“Senator, how would you respond to comments that you’re not ready to run the country if you can’t even control your own son?”

“Senator, were you aware of the relationship between your son and Senator Laurens’? Do you and Senator Laurens have a secret understanding?” 

“What do you have to say to speculation that this scandal might cost you the election?” 

“Alexander, is the relationship between you and John Laurens based on political convenience? Have you been trading campaign secrets in exchange for favors?” 

Alex dug his nails into his palms. The way John blushed whenever they touched, the long line of his throat when he threw his head back to laugh, the way he said Alex’s name. He let the memories block out the noise. 

“Let me be clear,” George’s voice boomed, silencing the room in a second. “This is not an inquiry. My son is not on trial. I’m going to make a statement, and then my son and I are going to walk out of here. And if you still want to ask any questions, you’ll address them to me, not him.”

George let his words hang in the air, then started. “I’m appalled by the complete lack of respect for me and my family. I’ve seen a lot of things in my career, but never something as low as following a teenager around and taking pictures of him without his consent. And because Alexander is barely an adult, one of your peers saw no problem exposing his business for the world to see. It may be legal, but it is wrong.”

“You all have been asking for my response to this revelation. Here it is: I saw a private, intimate moment between two young men, exploited because of an election that has nothing to do with them. The relationship between my son and Senator Laurens’ son has nothing to do with my politics or Senator Laurens’. It has nothing to do with the dire state of our country, which is in need of enormous reform. What happens between my and Laurens’ son is their business and theirs alone. Please, let’s return back to the matters that actually affect all of us as a nation. My son’s name has been dragged through the mud for long enough.” 

George made to get up, when Alex leaned forward into his own microphone. “Actually, I’d like to say something.”

Everyone in the room turned their attention to him with bated breath. Alex was scared, but he knew what he had to do. For John, he’d stand up for the both of them. 

“I’ve been silent. I didn’t say a word when I had to be locked down in my own house, because I didn’t know if I could even walk to 7-11 without being tailed. When people I’ve never met a day in my life talked about personal life on Twitter like it was public domain, like I’m not a real _person,_ I stayed quiet. You all gather in here with no shame, after implying for days and now right to my face that the only reason I’d kiss a boy is for political reasons. For campaign favors. Well, I can’t keep my mouth shut any longer.” 

“None of this is fair to John. Or me. But at least I made the choice to have a presence online. I’ve accepted the horrible parts of social media for a chance to have my voice heard. But John dragged into this without his permission. You took away his choice to talk his personal life with who he wanted, when he wanted. You ripped away our chance to figure out something that is only his and my business, and for what? What really gets me is, would all of this have happened if John or me was a girl? But that’s a stupid thing to ask. All of us here know the answer.” 

Alex finishes by saying, “Despite everything, this whole mess stresses the importance of the upcoming election more than anything. I’m hoping we can create a world where two boys can love each other without fear. I want America to be a place where we can respect each other and try to understand each other and _support_ each other. I know we can get there. But it starts _now.”_

Alex got up, and George got up with him. They left the press conference standing tall, leaving all the media in the room in a stunned silence. 

Once they got in the car, Alex said, “You know it’s suicide to pick a fight with the media during an election cycle.” 

George started up the car. “Funny, I was going to say the same thing to you.” 

They looked at each other, then laughed. It was the first time Alex had truly felt himself relax since the photos came out. Saying all that stuff, it took a huge weight off his chest. 

“They might crucify you,” Alex said, sobering up. “I’m sorry about this, George. I’m sorry if all this costs you the election.”

George shrugged like it didn’t even matter. “If I have to choose between winning the election and your happiness, it’s not much of a choice. You’re worth more than any job.” 

Alex smiled at him, unable to truly vocalize how much that meant to him. “Thanks.”

“That’s what family is all about.” George said. 

They lapsed into a comfortable silence. Alex put his head against the window and closed his eyes. With all his heart, he hoped that his words would reach John. He wanted John to know that even if they were apart, he would still fight for him. 

Friday left him with a new resolve. He had gotten a lot of text messages and tweets congratulating him on his impactful, impassioned speech. GLAAD even retweeted it on their official account. His friends each sent them individual messages of support. 

**(Angel)ica:** Wow badass Alex tear their asses apart

 **Laffy Taffy:** I wish you let me give you a makeover before you had your bye felicia moment

 **Laffy Taffy:** You would’ve sounded fierce as hell *and* looked fierce as hell 

**Horse Girl:** FUCKING GET EM ALEX YES

 **pegging rights:** damn you roasted the shit out of them even jake tapper looked embarrassed

 **best of women:** I’m proud of you, Alexander. I’m sure your words touched him, how could they not? 

Alex had a strong urge to try and call John again, but he held off. Eliza was right, he needed space and patience. He wanted to prove to John that he could wait for him. 

That was the decision he came to, between giving that speech and waking up this morning. He would wait for John. Even if John went back to South Carolina and didn’t talk to him for the longest time, Alex would wait. As soon as John gave him a sign that he still cared about him, that he missed him, Alex would go wherever he was. What they had was real, Alex believed that with his whole heart. And like Martha said, love was about letting a person go and trusting that they’ll find their way back to you. He decided to trust that he and John would find their way back to each other, because they were meant to be. 

His new resolve put him on the path to getting back on his feet. He cleaned his room (which had gotten filthy from all his moping) and took a shower. Alex spent the day writing and rewriting a letter to John, a final confession of sorts. He didn’t know whether he was actually going to try and find a way to get the letter to John, it just felt nice to put the words on paper. 

The mood change didn’t go unnoticed by George or Martha. “You took a shower? God, miracles do exist.” Martha said as they sat down at the dining table for dinner.

“Haha, very funny.” Alex replied. 

“I was considering shoving you outside, at least to get you wet.” George said. It was raining heavily outside, the steady beat of the raindrops a nice sound against the windows. 

“I was gonna go old school and get a hose.” Martha added. 

“Okay, point made!” Alex exclaimed. “I’m clean, can we eat now?” 

They settled into their dinner, making idle conversation and laughing together. The couple felt relieved seeing Alex slowly returning back to his old self, even if only for today. Martha was in the middle of telling a story about a crazy patient she had to deal with when she was interrupted by a loud banging at the door. 

“Who the hell is that?” Martha said, startled.

George was already getting up. “It better not be a reporter, or I’m going to deal with them myself.”

“Yeah, bring out the big guns!” Alex shouted. Martha and Alex shared a bemused glance, then went back to their food. 

Alex heard George swing the door open. “Do you understand what time—”

George cut himself off. Alex heard heavy breathing, then a tiny, broken voice say, “I know I’m the last person you want to see right now, but…I didn’t know where else to go.”

Alex’s fork dropped onto his plate with a loud clatter. He stood up out of his seat so fast and so roughly that the chair toppled over. Before his mind could catch up, his body took over and he was rushing over, out of the dining room, past the family room, past the foyer, all the way to the front door and. Standing there, wet and bruised and shaking, was John.

_John._

  


***

Tuesday passed by in almost a dreamlike state for John. He was practically comatose, not leaving his room to do anything except use the bathroom. Reading some of the reactions on Twitter took care of his appetite, so he hardly ate. He wanted to rant to Alex, how dare these strangers on the internet talk about the two of them like they knew anything about them? But then he remembered that he and Alex were no longer together, and fell right back into that zombielike state. 

It wasn’t just his breakup with Alex dragging him down. There was the fact that neither Martha nor James were speaking to him. He wasn’t sure how much the little ones knew, but Junior and Mary followed their older siblings’ example and kept quiet. He knew Martha wasn’t speaking to him because she was upset with him for lying to her all these years, but he wasn’t sure if that was the same reason for James. The thought that James might be distancing himself simply because John was gay made him more depressed than anything. And there was the fact that he was trapped in the house for the foreseeable future, since reporters have been crawling around the area since yesterday and showed no signs of stopping. 

Oh, and overshadowing all of this was the crippling fear from the fact that his father was coming back on Friday, and John didn’t know the depth of his anger, since Henry still had yet to speak with him directly. He was in big trouble, obviously. John had to imagine the Republican base wasn’t thrilled with their candidate having a secretly gay son, who had been dating the son of their biggest competition. The silence that was driving him really crazy, because it gave him no way to prepare himself for Henry's reaction. His father could do anything to him: take him out of Columbia, throw him into a conversion camp, homeschool him so that he never sees the light of day again, any and everything seemed possible to John.

His phone started buzzing. John picked it up to see that it was Lafayette spamming his phone with texts _again._ He let out a sigh of frustration and put the phone back on his bed. All his friends sent him worried text messages checking up on him all throughout the day yesterday. Angelica even sent him an apology, saying, _I’m really fucking sorry this happened and I’m so sorry for the shit I said at my party. I know you heard me and it was fucked up and I’m sorry. If you need someone to talk to or lean on I’m here. I’ve always got your back cuz we’re friends John. Friends for life._

Most of his friends had gotten the message that he wasn’t in the mood to talk and backed off, except for Lafayette. Lafayette kept texting him all yesterday and now today too, and John had had enough. 

He grabbed his phone and opened his messages. 

**favorite fighting frenchman:** mon ami

 **favorite fighting frenchman:** Mon ami

 **favorite fighting frenchman:** MON AMI 

**favorite fighting frenchman:** MON AMI MON AMI MON AMI

 **favorite fighting frenchman:** If you are thinking I cannot do this all day you’d be wrong

 **favorite fighting frenchman:** I cleared my schedule and put my phone in a charger I’ve got time

 **favorite fighting frenchman:** MON AMI MON AMI MON AMI MON AMI M 

**John:** Stop texting me 

**favorite fighting frenchman:** MON AMI YOU’RE ALIVE 

John rolled his eyes.

 **John:** Just stop. I’m not in the mood 

**favorite fighting frenchman:** I can call if you don’t feel like texting? 

**John:** That would be worse

 **John:** Look you don’t have to worry about me anymore alright? Alex and I broke up 

**John:** I broke up with him

He added that last text to punish himself. He didn’t deserve to hide the truth behind vague words. John hurt the person he cared about most in the world, he may as well own up to it. 

**favorite fighting frenchman:** Yes I know he told me 

John’s heartbeat sped up. He wondered what Alex said. How he was doing. Alex had called him several times yesterday and sent him a bunch of texts, but John ignored them all. He wouldn't blame Alex if he hated him now, he knew he hated himself very much at the moment. 

**John:** So why are you texting me

 **favorite fighting frenchman:** Because you’re one of my dearest friends. That’s never going to change whether you’re with Alex or not

 **favorite fighting frenchman:** Sorry to say you can’t get rid of me that easily. I’m with you for the long haul we all are

John’s heart warmed at Lafayette’s words. He didn’t know why, but he believed him. He’d been so used to people dropping him as soon as he wasn’t convenient or fun enough for them, but Lafayette and everyone were different. John truly believed that they cared about him, and it touched him. 

**favorite fighting frenchman:** (though I think you’re making a mistake breaking up with Alex when you still love him) 

John tensed up all over. 

**John:** I don’t want to talk about that 

**John:** We can talk about anything but that 

**favorite fighting frenchman:** Fine fine how are you? You know considering everything 

**John:** Not great

They talked about trivial things for some time, and John felt a little lighter after the conversation was over. It was nice to talk to someone instead of stewing in his sadness, confined in his room like a prisoner. He picked up one of his favorite books, _King Arthur and His Knights of the Round Table,_ nestled into his bed, and started reading. John appreciated the way books gave him a whole other world to disappear into. If he could jump into the pages himself, he would. 

John didn’t know how long he laid there reading, when he heard a light knock at his door.

“I’m not hungry!” he said. He wasn’t up for facing the stuffocating silence of his siblings. 

“It’s me,” a small voice called back, and John ran over to open the door. 

Standing there was Mary, his sweet baby sister. Her tiny hands were curled up into fists at her side and her lips were wobbling from the obvious effort of trying to hold back tears. 

John pulled her into the room and knelt down to her level. “What’s wrong, kiddo?” 

“No one will tell me what’s going on.” Mary put her head down. “Whenever I ask about you, everyone stops talking and their faces look sad. No one says anything to me. Martie keeps telling me not to worry about it, but I can’t!”

Mary looked up then, eyes shining with tears. “Are you sick? Like Mommy was?” 

John’s heart broke. Poor Mary, only seven years old and bearing so much emotional stress on her back. She was only a baby when their mother passed, and then their father kept his distance for most of her life. John was the closest thing to a parent she had. If something happened to him, what would happen to her? 

John drew her into a tight hug. “Don’t cry, Mary. I’m not sick, I promise. I’m as healthy as a horse.” 

Mary let herself sob, her tiny body wracked with tears. “Then why is everyone acting so weird?” 

Oh, how to explain? “I’m not sick, but I…I’m in big trouble. I kept a secret I shouldn’t have kept, and now everyone found out and they’re mad at me. They just need some time to forgive me, that’s all.” 

Mary looked a little confused, but nodded all the same. 

“You wanna read with me?” John asked, nodding to his bed. 

Her face brightened all at once. “Yes!” 

John laid back on his bed, and Mary curled up next to him. He read tales of chivalry and love and honor until the both of them got sleepy. 

“Jack?” Mary said, yawning. 

“Yeah?” 

“When you said you’re in trouble, do you mean with Daddy?” 

She was sharper than John gave her credit for. “Yeah, I’m in the most trouble with him.” 

“Is he gonna yell at you?” 

“Oh yeah. He’s gonna do a lot of yelling, probably. It’ll get pretty loud, so the moment you hear it, close your ears and run away.”

Mary nodded, but it was clear that she was already on her way to sleeping. And a few minutes later, the room was filled with the sound of her light snores. 

John, however, stayed awake long after her. He couldn’t fall asleep. When he closed his eyes, he found himself back in Alex’s bed, reading a book with him. They would take turns reading chapters, but it would take forever for John’s turn to come around, because Alex kept interrupting himself to make comments. He’d fall asleep on Alex’s chest, and he’d wake up feeling warm, the sound of Alex’s steady heartbeat a familiar song in his ear. And now he’ll never experience that again, because everything was ruined. He might never see Alex again. 

Tears fell down his face. He bit his lips, trying not to make a sound and wake Mary up. It was all over now, it had to be. He had to face whatever punishment awaited him alone. Really, they should’ve never gotten involved in the first place. All this was destined to blow up in his face from the beginning. 

That didn’t stop him from crying at the thought of Alex’s face, smiling down at him like he was perfect. 

On Wednesday, Eliza called him. 

As soon as her name popped up on his phone, he thought about ignoring the call. But a crushing sense of guilt weighed on him and he realized that Eliza had to find out about his relationship with Alex on the news like everyone else. He couldn’t imagine what it must’ve felt like, to see the guy you love and your new friend making out in crystal clear HD for everyone to see. 

John picked up the call. “Hello?” 

“John?” Eliza’s pleasant voice came through, and it hit him how much he missed her too. “I was sure you wouldn’t pick up.” 

“I owe you an apology,” he started. “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you about me and Alex myself, instead of it all coming out like this. I was just nervous about telling too many people, and I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m so sorry, Eliza. I know you love him, and I didn’t—”

“John.” Eliza cut him off. “Is that really what you’re concerned about right now?” 

John was surprised by her response. “What do you mean?” 

Eliza sighed, voice filled with fondness and exasperation. “John, you were outed on an enormously public stage without your permission, and you’re worried about _my_ feelings?”

John flushed, a little embarrassed. “I’ve been a shitty friend, I want to apologize to that.” 

“First of all, don’t. When you come out is your business, and should be done on your own time. You don’t have to apologize to me for that.” Eliza said firmly. “Second of all, I already knew, so you’re fine.” 

John’s eyes widened. “You knew?” 

“You two have terrible poker faces!” Eliza chuckled. “And if your feelings are obvious, Alex’s feelings are written all over his face like a neon sign.”

“Are you okay, though?” Eliza asked. “I know the past couple of days must have been rough.”

Somehow, he found himself unable to lie to her. “It’s been horrible. Most of my siblings won’t talk to me, and my dad hasn’t said anything to me yet. I don’t know what he’s gonna do to me, but I know it’s gonna be bad. And I broke up with Alex. So no, I’m not okay. I’m the complete opposite of okay.” 

“That’s terrible.” Eliza said, with so much sympathy John wanted to cry again. 

“I’m tired of feeling scared, but there’s nothing I can do to take my mind off things. I’m not allowed to leave the house because of the reporters everywhere. There’s nowhere to go and nothing to do, and I feel like I’m gonna go insane.” It felt good to get all this off his chest. He’d basically been a mute for the past couple of days, since barely anyone was speaking to him. 

“Just know, you’re not alone.” Eliza said. “Say the word, and we’ll bust you out of there. You can stay at our place until everything blows over!”

John entertained the idea, but pushed it away. “Thanks, Eliza, but I can’t leave. My brothers and sisters need me, even if they don’t think so right now. I’m not gonna leave them to face my mess alone.” 

“I understand. But, John, just to be clear, you’ve done nothing wrong.” she insisted. “You know that, right? Whoever took that picture is in the wrong, and everyone else for tolerating it.” 

“Yeah.” he replied, but it was hard to believe it. “Doesn’t feel like it, though.” 

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” John reassured her. “I’ll get through this. Somehow.” 

There was a pause, and John couldn’t help himself. He had to ask. “I have no right to ask this, so feel free to, like, ignore me if you don’t want to answer, but…how is he?” 

Eliza hesitated, knowing exactly who he was asking about. “Do you want the truth?” 

“Yes.” He had no right to ask for anything less. 

“I’m not sure, really. He barely responds to anyone’s texts and his parents aren’t letting him out of the house either.” she said. “But Lafayette called him yesterday, and…he’s definitely not himself. Laf said he barely sounded alive. And Mrs. Washington’s so worried that she asked all of us to come visit him. We’re heading over there today.” 

Hearing that destroyed John, even though he was the one who asked for the truth. Alex, his lively, earnest, passionate Alex sounded barely alive, all because John walked into his life. He was sure now that Alex must regret ever getting involved with him.

“I can hear you thinking, and you’re wrong.” Eliza interrupted. “I won’t push you too much on this, because I know things are hard for you right now, but Alex is hurting because he’s worried about you. He wants to stand by your side, and I think that this is the time to be pulling each other close, not pushing each other away.” 

John shook his head furiously. “No. I won't let him get dragged into my shit.” 

Eliza sighed. “Again, I won’t push. But I can’t stand seeing the two of you hurting so much.” 

“Hey, thanks for talking to me.” John said sincerely. “I really appreciate it.” 

“You don’t have to thank me,” she said immediately. “We’re friends, forever.” 

“Forever.” John agreed, and allowed himself a tiny smile. 

John was a weird mix of emotions after he got off the phone with Eliza. He felt a little bit lighter after getting some of his feelings off his chest, but also sad that he couldn’t see his friends, at least not any time soon. And of course he missed Alex so much. He thought about him with every breath he took, and it hurt every time he did. From moment to moment, he fought against the urge to call Alex, take back everything he said and tell him he made a huge mistake. But he resisted. He meant what he said to Eliza, he didn’t want to drag Alex into whatever mess awaited him when his father came on Friday. 

His stomach rumbled. He’d developed a system of waking up early in the morning and waiting till late at night to grab food. But he’d overslept this morning, so now he had to risk running into his brother or sister’s closed off faces, or even his aunt’s awkward attempts at comfort. He listened for any movements outside the door, then decided to make a run for it. 

He swung open his door to see Martha’s tear-stained face, fist raised as if she’d been working up the courage to knock on the door. 

“Martha?” John said, shocked. It felt like it had been years since they’d been this close to each other.

“Can I come in?” Martha said. “Please. I’ve been such a bitch lately and I’m so sorry, Jack. You deserve an apology.” 

John led her into his room, and the two of them sat on John’s bed. John gave her a few seconds to collect herself before asking, “What happened?” 

“I’m a terrible person. The worst sister in the world.” Martha wiped her face. “I’m selfish and awful and horrible—” 

“Martha, stop. Why are you beating up on yourself like this? Where’s this coming from?”

“I went online,” Martha started, then shook her head. “I need you to understand that the reason I got so upset isn’t because you’re gay. I don’t give a fuck. You’re my brother and I love you no matter what. I couldn’t care less who you love. Actually, it’s kinda nice to have someone to talk to about guys.” 

John laughed a little at that. 

“I was just mad because it felt like you’ve been pulling away from me all summer. You go out without telling me, you’ve got friends you can’t tell me about, you seemed like you were living your best life and you didn’t want to share it with me at all. And then finding out that you’re into guys and with _Alexander Hamilton,_ of all people, at the same time as someone who doesn’t even know you, it was too much for me.” 

“I made this whole thing about me, when you’re the one who’s really hurting.” Martha spoke again before John could cut in. “And then I went on Twitter and saw what some people were saying and…I realized why you kept it to yourself this long. You must’ve felt so lonely, hiding a part of yourself from everyone just to avoid exactly what’s happening now.”

John teared up. “You don’t think I wanted to tell you? I didn’t tell _anyone._ I never even said it out loud, not even to myself, until I met Alex. I was terrified of Dad finding out and of you and the kids looking at me differently. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you guys.”

“You won’t lose us.” Martha said. “We’re family. We stick together.” 

Martha hugged him, and they both were crying now. “I missed you, Martha. You’re always gonna be my partner in crime.” 

Martha laughed. “I know. I’m sorry for being so bitchy lately.”

John shrugged. “I’m used to it.” 

She lightly punched him in the gut, and they both laughed again. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his chest, and he could breathe again. They laid back in his bed, no more secrets between them. 

“You don’t know how much I’ve wanted to talk to you about everything,” John confessed. “My life’s been kinda crazy lately.” 

“I’ll bet. Tell me all about your _boyfriend.”_ she said, smirking at him. “I’m so mad I didn’t realize it sooner. I saw you two at the gala. Alex looked like he wanted to eat you up, and I came over to bail you out, thinking you needed help, but you left with him so easily! I was so confused.”

“Bail me out? Was that before or after you started flirting with him?” 

“Hey, I didn’t know he was taken!” she defended herself. “You of all people can’t blame me for shooting my shot with him.”

“Uh huh,” John said, definitely judging. 

Martha nudged him. “Seriously, what’s he like? Is he good to you? Does he treat you right?” 

John couldn’t stop the smile that spread on his face at first, thinking of Alex. “He’s great. Amazing. He’s funny and sweet and he talks so much, about everything, but I’d hang on to his every word. And he listens to me too, really listens, like everything I said was important to him. Being with him makes me feel like I’m being _seen,_ inside and out, but it’s not scary because he’s the one seeing me. We could tell each other anything.”

The smile slipped off his face, and his eyes welled with tears. “He treated me like I was something special, like I was perfect. He’d…he’d touch me like I was something precious, and the way he’d look at me sometimes…I can’t understand why someone like him would care so much about me. But he did. Every time we were together, he’d show me how much he liked me, and I ruined it.” 

John covered his face, sniffling now. “I love him. I love him so much, but I hurt him anyway. I freaked out once the photos came out and cut things off. I made him go through all this shit by himself. I bet he wishes he never met me by now.” 

_John, please._ Alex begged him, voice more desperate than he had ever heard it, and John still ran away from him, shut him out. Alex had the wrong idea about him. He wasn’t brave or strong or _perfect._ He was just a coward, plain and simple.

“Oh, Jack.” Martha turned on her side to put a comforting hand on his back. “It’s okay. Why don’t you call him, tell him you panicked and made a mistake? I saw those pictures, anyone who looks at you like that is gonna take you back in a heartbeat.” 

John knew what she meant. Honestly, he hated the pictures of them where they weren’t kissing more than the ones where they were. The way they gazed at each other, foreheads pressed together and John’s thumb at the corner of his mouth, was more intimate than any kiss. It was clear as day how they felt about each other, and it should’ve been a private moment, just for them.

John shook his head. “He deserves better than I can give him, that’s clear to me now. And I still don’t know how Dad is going to react.” 

Both of them had a moment of silence, thinking about how bad it might end up being. 

“I’ll protect you,” Martha said suddenly, eyes determined. “No matter what he says, I’ll defend you.” 

John tried for an encouraging smile, but he knew it fell flat. “I’ll be okay. What’s the worst that could happen?” 

They were silent again with the thought of it. 

Thursday was a much, much better day. With Martha speaking to him again, the atmosphere in the apartment was much better. James was still a little distant with him, to John’s disappointment, but Martha told him he was coming around. 

“He’s young. He hasn’t learned that everything Dad says is bullshit yet.” Martha comforted him. “Give him time.” 

Him and Martha spent the whole day together. She pledged to help John get over his broken heart like any good sister would. 

“I already have all your favorite movies pulled up,” Martha said, putting her laptop on John’s bed. “Today, we’re not gonna think about Dad or Alex or the news. Just me, you, and _Hot Fuzz.”_

They huddled under the covers and watched movie after movie, until they both got hungry. Martha offered to pick up McDonalds, since she wasn't the one being trailed by paparazzi. John dozed off on the bed while waiting for her to get back, so he almost fell off the bed when Martha slammed her way into the room. 

She ran over to him. “Have you seen?” 

“What are you talking about?” John yawned, sitting up. “Where’s the food?” 

“In the kitchen.” Martha climbed on the bed next to him. “Did you see what Alex said? At Washington’s press conference!” 

John’s eyes widened and his heart pounded. “What? No, I didn’t see it. I thought we had an Alex ban?”

Martha took out her phone. “Yeah, we’re gonna have to break that.”

She pulled up the video and they watched the video together. John watched the whole thing, stone-faced. When it was finished, he said, “Can you...I want to be alone.” 

“Jack—”

“Please, Martha.” he said softly. “Just…give me a second.” 

The look in his eyes made it impossible to argue with him, so Martha nodded and reluctantly left. 

As soon as she left, John watched the video again. And again. Then he put a pillow over his head and just breathed into, counting each breath. Keeping himself sane. 

He felt like he’d cried an ocean of tears for Alex, but now it seemed like Alex was trying to get him to cry another. Watching Alex as Washington talked, he seemed so far away, distant. His face was blank, devoid of emotion. It was nothing John had ever seen before, because Alex had never looked at him like that, not once. 

But when he spoke, _oh,_ it was as if Alex was speaking directly to him. His whole body came alive and his eyes burned with fury and judgment. He would have been quaking in his boots if he was any of the reporters there. But most of all, Alex defended him. He said, _None of this is fair to John._ He stood up to the media for John, during an election. And he did it even though John ran away, stomped on his heart and left him to pick up the pieces. 

John wiped his eyes and got out of bed. He was tired of wasting his time on tears, when Alex was rising up ahead of him. _We can create a world where two boys can love each other without fear,_ he said. Was Alex talking about them? Were they in love? If that was the case, and Alex loved him, he wanted to be a person worth loving. He wanted to have the strength to fight for Alex too. 

His phone buzzed with a text. 

**Dad:** Have all your stuff packed and ready to go tomorrow 

It was the first time Henry had talked to him all week. But John didn’t collapse, no. He stood tall, because he was done running away. He wasn’t just fighting for Alex, he was fighting for himself. 

Friday. D-Day. The apartment was filled with anxiety as they awaited Henry’s arrival. No one touched their breakfast that morning, and everyone was both shooting John nervous glances and avoiding looking at him. 

Finally Betsy said, “Jesus, he’s not coming until later in the evening! You’ll all make yourself sick holding onto all this stress.” 

Her words did little to calm them down, and it was apparent that she was nervous herself. After breakfast, she asked John to stay behind. 

“I don’t care what he says, there is nothing wrong with you.” Betsy said fiercely. “You’ve done nothing wrong. A real man defends his family, and if Henry doesn’t understand that, well, then he’s not worth listening to. You’re not alone, Jack. You have a family that supports you, and fuck him if he doesn’t, excuse my language.”

“I know.” John said, and he meant it. After all this time, it finally hit him that _he wasn’t alone._ He had his brothers and sisters, who even if they didn’t quite understand yet would never abandon him. He had Aunt Betsy. He had Lafayette and Eliza and Hercules and Peggy and Angelica. And maybe…maybe he had Alex too. He was not alone, far from it. Everything would be okay. 

The day passed slowly. The anticipation was killer, and Martha kept sticking to him like he was gonna disappear if she looked away for a second. Eventually, he had to kick her out of his room. 

“You’re putting me on edge,” John said, shoving her out the door. 

“I’m trying to make you feel better!” Martha planted her feet in the doorway and refused to move. 

“I’m fine! Seriously.” It was only half a lie. He swung between back and forth between panic and a zen-like calm. “You’re gassing it up too much.” 

He hoped against hope that maybe they were all overreacting. There was a chance that Henry might look at him, remember that John was his son, that John loved him despite everything and that he loved John, and choose to put John’s feelings over the election. He might try to understand John for once in his life.

To remind himself of his resolve, he did what he held himself back from doing all week. He went under his bed and pulled out his Alex box, the shoebox he stuffed with every letter Alex had ever written him. Before, he kept himself from reading through them because he didn’t have any right to bask in Alex’s words after what he’d done. But now he needed a little courage, and that was what Alex gave him. He didn’t let himself indulge too much, just picked up the last letter Alex wrote to him, a few days after their trip to the lake house. 

_Dear John,_

_You’re being unfair again and you don’t even know it. Ever since we’ve come back home, I’ve been thinking about you CONSTANTLY, like I can’t get anything done because my mind is on you 24/7. And I know what you’re thinking, I’m not just thinking about the stuff we did, please don’t reduce me to a horny teen boy stereotype (but like I’m not NOT thinking about it, tbh). You’re even more beautiful around nature. It’s a testament to how much I like you that I thought that even as you let all those bugs crawl all over you. Angelica and I were about to hurl, for real._

_I’m so so so so so so happy you’re going to Columbia. Like, I was already excited for school, but now I can’t fucking wait. Feels like we’re at the start of the rest of our lives. And now we get to do it together. I know things might get hard, and there’s so many things up in the air, but what’s never gonna change is how I feel about you, John. I’m so excited to step into the future, with you. You can be yourself without your dad hovering over you, and maybe build a life outside of his expectations. Don’t worry, we’ve got all the time in the world to figure everything out. Let’s take it step by step._

_Yours always,_

_A. Ham_

That future, where he was truly himself, doing what he loved and surrounded by the people who loved him was just in his reach. All he had to step forward and take it. 

He packed up his room, which had come to be like a little home for him, and waited. He waited and waited and waited, and then he heard a knock at the front door. There was the sound of the door opening, and quiet murmuring. Then he heard Betsy’s footsteps make their way down the hall, and stop in front of his door. 

She knocked, then opened the door. “He’s here. In the office.”

John gave a short nod, then stood. He would not back down. He would not hide. He was gonna do this for himself and for Alex, to become the person Alex believed he was. 

His heartbeat pounded louder with each step he took towards the office. And then he was there, standing in front of the office door with his hand poised over the doorknob. He took a deep breath, heard Alex’s voice in his head, saying, _You and me, we’re meant to be,_ and walked into the office. 

Henry had his back to the door, hands braced on the desk. His shoulders tensed up with the door opened, but he didn’t turn around. 

“Hi, Dad.” John said. He was impressed with how steady his voice sounded. 

“On Monday, I’m going to hold a press conference.” He still didn’t turn around. “You’ll attend it with me and read the statement my aides prepared for you. I want you to start familiarizing yourself with it once we get in the car. You’ll have it memorized inside and out. It’s nothing too difficult. All you need to do is explain that you befriended that boy because you enjoy talking with different types of people, and he misinterpreted your friendly nature for something else. You’ll say that those…pictures don’t show the full story. You were pressured and felt like you had no choice but to go along with that boy’s advances. That’s all.” 

John blinked. Opened and closed his mouth, but his voice failed him. Finally, he forced out, “That’s your plan? The big scary immigrant made me do it?” 

Henry turned around, and John saw the anger radiated off him in waves. His eyes were so cold they burned. “Considering how much you fucked up, it’s the best I can do to save your reputation.”

John flinched. His father never cursed unless he was really, really angry. 

“Don’t pretend this is about me.” he mumbled. 

“I don’t want to hear anything come out of your mouth other than ‘Yes, sir’ or ‘No, sir’, you hear me?” Henry said, his voice like a knife. “Do you understand what you’ve done? I break my back for months going up and down the country, finally make some headway, and you do _this_ to me? I can hardly look at you right now.”

John bowed his head. He had the urge to curl up like a terrified little boy, but he was hanging tough. He could endure this, he must. 

Henry shook his head. “It’s my fault for thinking I could trust you to take some responsibility for yourself. For God’s sake, John, you’re 18! An adult! When I was your age you know what I was doing? I was in the army. I was risking my life and making tough decisions every damn day. But 18, you get nothing done for yourself. You laze around, letting opportunity after opportunity pass you by. And you run around with unsavory types and let them pollute your head. And of all people, _him._ Of all the people in the world, you had to get involved with that bastard, piece of gutter trash—” 

“Don’t call him that.” John’s voice cracked in the air like a whip. “Don’t talk about him like that.” 

“Excuse me?” Henry glared, and there was danger in the air. 

John didn’t repeat himself, but he didn’t look away either. He stared his father right in the eye, held his hands behind his back to hide how much he was shaking. The tension in the room was as tight as a string about to snap. 

Henry shook his head. “No, maybe it’s my fault for leaving you in New York for too long. Staying in this liberal snowflake nightmare is enough to turn anyone’s head around, especially someone as young as you. I should have brought you home sooner. But, it’s too late for what ifs. We’ll get you back on the right path, don’t worry.” 

Henry made for the door, and maybe it was the condescending tone he’d taken up. Maybe it was the way he implied that John was sick in the head. Or more simply, it was probably hearing his father call Alex gutter trash. Whatever it was, John lost a little more control of himself. 

So he said, “I’m not going to read that statement.”

Henry froze, then turned to him. “What did you say?”

“You could put a gun to my head, and I still wouldn’t read it.” John said every word loud and clear. “It’s a lie. And I’m not going to lie to you or myself or whoever you want anymore.”

“This isn’t something I’m asking you to do.” Henry replied. “You _will_ do this.” 

“Cut the shit, Dad, and let’s talk about it. The big elephant in the fucking room.” He was done, so done. “What you know and I know and all of America knows, no matter how many damn press releases you write! I’m gay, alright? I’m gay.” 

“No, you’re not.” Henry said slowly. “I didn’t raise my son to be gay. I raised him to be a good, upstanding, _moral—”_

“Your son was always gay.” John cut him off. “He got good at hiding it for a while, but it’s who he is and who he has always been, and he’s done hiding.” 

“No.” 

“Yes. Dad, why is this such a big deal? I’m still Jack. Your son, who campaigned with you and made you dinner when you were tired and helped you remember the kids’ birthdays and went running with you in the morning. Who I love doesn’t change anything.” 

“No, I won’t have that kind of lifestyle in my house. I won’t stand for it!” His father said, heated. “I won’t have it around my children, either. It’s not right.” 

John was falling apart inside, but Henry wasn’t done yet. “When I saw those pictures it turned my stomach. The idea that my son could do something like that…You need help, John. I’ll get you a psychiatrist, whatever you need. But you need to stop all this nonsense _now._ Let me help you.” 

The blood was rushing in his ears. All at once, it hit him that his father accepting him was never on the table. He looked John at like he didn’t even recognize him, like he was contagious. The one thing he’d been holding onto was that his father loved him. Even if he was shit at showing it, he loved his children. That was the one thing everyone knew about Henry Laurens: family was everything to him. But John realized now that that love wasn’t unconditional. His father’s love had limits. His father, the only parent he had left in the world. 

“Those pictures turned your stomach?” John raised his eyebrows. He was spiraling, so he let his mouth take the wheel. “Damn, that was some little kid shit. I’ve let him do much more than that to me.”

Henry looked at him like he was speaking another language. “What?” 

“Oh, yeah. We’ve jerked off together, dry humped each other. I let him suck my dick and then I sucked his and it was _great._ I could do it for hours.” 

“John, stop talking.” Henry’s voice was low and furious. 

“We haven’t fucked yet, don’t worry. It’s my fault, actually. I was nervous, because I’ve never done it before. I’ve never _bent over_ and let a guy _fuck_ m—” 

Henry grabbed him by the shoulders and slammed him against the wall. The grip on his shoulders was so tight it was painful, and Henry’s face was white with fury. _Good,_ John thought. He wanted to rip off the perfect son mask and show his father the real him. Henry had already shown his true colors, devastated him inside and out. Why shouldn’t they both be disappointed? 

“John, I’m warning you.” Henry said. 

Adrenaline was coursing through him and John didn’t give a _fuck_ anymore. “You did raise a homo, Dad. The little boy you tucked in at night dreams about fucking dudes and getting fucked by dudes. What would your supporters say if they knew? Henry Laurens raised a child who _dreams_ about getting on his knees for—” 

Henry punched him across the face. John barely saw his hand move before he socked him right in his jaw. It wasn’t enough to knock him down, it just made his head snap to the side and his teeth click harshly together. His lip was bleeding. 

“I won’t let you ruin this election for me,” Henry said. “Don’t test my patience.”

A borderline hysterical giggle came out of John’s mouth. “I knew you cared about the election more. Obviously. But, it’s over. I’m gonna spend every damn day making sure every voter in every fucking swing state knows that Henry Laurens raised a son that’s sick in the head. I want them to see the result of all your hard work! And if you put me on that stage and make me talk to the press, I’ll tell them every detail of all the shit Alex and I have—”

The next punch did knock him to the ground, but his father didn’t stop there. By the third or fourth punch, John floated away and out of his body like the reality in front of him was far off and out of reach. 

When he returned to himself, he felt something dripping on him. Water? He realized someone was holding him, and he looked up to see Martha cradling his body, bawling her eyes out. Aunt Betsy was standing in front of them, actually hysterical. 

“I’m calling the police! You must be out of your goddamn mind, Henry!” she shrieked at him. “How could you do this to a little boy? Your own son?” 

“You’re not calling anyone,” Henry said calmly. “And I don’t know who that is, but it’s not my son. My son wouldn’t have said or done half the things he has.” 

“You’re crazy. And you’re batshit insane if you think I’m not calling someone to get you the fuck out of my house _tonight.”_ Betsy sounded like she was crying a little herself. “How could you do this? If Eleanor saw you now, she’d—” 

“Don’t bring her into this.”

It all came crashing down on John. The words they exchanged, what had just happened. A fight or flight reaction rose in him so sharply, he felt like he was vibrating out of his skin. He had to _go._

He jumped up, to everyone’s surprise. There was a sharp pain in his side from the sudden movement, but he ignored it. He needed to get the fuck out of there. John bolted for the door, despite the calls of his aunt and sister. He ripped open the front door and ran, running like his life depended on it. 

He hadn’t even realized it was raining until he was a good distance away from the house. His body ached all over and his face throbbed, but he kept running with no plan in mind, just let his feet take him where they wanted to go. When his body had had enough, and something in him told him to stop, he hunched over to catch his breath. Then he stood back up, and realized he was standing in front of Alex’s place. 

John was mortified with himself for coming here, but he couldn’t turn back. The idea of doing that was more terrifying than anything else. He had no choice. So he walked up the steps, and banged his fist against the door. His body was starting to acknowledge the coldness of the rain, which he was totally defenseless to in just a t-shirt and jeans. 

“Do you understand what time—” George cut himself off so harshly that John wondered how bad he must look. 

He motioned for John to come in, so he did. 

“I know I’m the last person you want to see right now, but…I didn’t know where else to go.” John said before George could kick him out. He winced, hating how desperate he sounded.. 

There was a commotion coming from further in the apartment. He heard footsteps rapidly approaching their direction, and then— 

He had bags under his eyelids, and there was a haunted look in his eyes, but he looked clean and fresh and full of _life._ And he was standing right in front of him. For the first time in what felt like forever, Alex was standing right in front of him. 

_Alex._

  


***

John’s hair was loose and damp, his whole body looked soaked from the rain. He had a black eye, a swollen lip, and the way his arm was instinctively curled around his side hinted that he was bruised underneath too. When Alex saw him, the rage that erupted inside him was enough to burn the whole world down. 

He stormed right up to John and cradled John’s face in his hands. “Did he do this to you?”

When Alex touched his face with his gentle hands, John almost fell apart. Almost. But he hadn’t cried when his father spit all those nasty words at him, he hadn’t cried when his father—he had decided to stop wasting time on tears. So he wouldn’t cry. 

“I’m so sorry, Alex.” John choked out. “For everything. I’ve been so stupid, I should have never—I’m so sorry. I just keep fucking up and I don’t know how—” 

“John, did he do this to you?” Alex asked him again, but the words weren’t reaching him.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I regret every single thing I did that hurt you—”

“John. John! Look at me.” Alex held his face, forced him to look up. “Did he do this?” 

John met his eyes for a second, then looked away and shook his head furiously. “It was my fault. I pushed him too far and he—he warned me and I wouldn’t stop. It’s my fault, I—” 

The expression on Alex’s face changed. Where Henry went ice cold with anger, Alex went molten hot with rage. John had never seen anything like it before in his life. 

“I’ll kill him.” Alex said quietly, but his voice rang out louder than if he yelled. “I’ll kill him.” 

And then Alex went for the door. 

John whipped around as fast as lightning and grabbed his wrist with both his hands. Alex tried to rip his arm out of John’s grasp. His mind cleared out except for one thought, and that was to find Henry Laurens and put him in the ground. 

“No! Alex, don’t do that!” John begged him. “It was my fault, I kept pushing him. I—I basically made him do it! Please, Alex, don’t—” 

“Let go of me!” Alex struggled against John’s hold. “I’m gonna make that bastard regret putting his hands on you. That _motherfucker—”_

“Alex, no—”

“John, let me _go—”_

_“Alexander.”_

The two boys froze. They had forgotten George was in the room. 

“Calm yourself.” George said. “Breathe. I understand how you feel, but it is not about you right now. This is about John and his feelings. Don’t think about yourself, listen to what your boyfriend needs from you.”

George’s words had an immediate cooling effect on Alex. He stopped resisting against John and carefully turned around to face him. The wild look had faded from his eyes and he was Alex again, his sweet Alex. 

“John?” he said. 

And John broke down, just like that. His father’s actions, the stress of his public outing, the heartbreak of his separation from Alex, everything came down and overwhelmed him, and he couldn’t stop crying. 

“Just stay with me,” he sobbed, holding on tight to Alex. “Please, just stay with me.”

“Oh, John.” Alex pulled him into a hug, and he cried even harder into Alex’s shoulder. He couldn’t speak. 

“Take him up to your room.” George said. “Martha will come by to check on him in a second.” 

Alex led John to his bedroom, and John ached at the familiarity of it. Everything was just as he remembered it, albeit way cleaner than before.

They sat down on the edge of the bed. Alex put his arm around John’s waist and let him cry it all out. He knew from experience, sometimes it was good to release all the emotion built up inside you as completely as possible. And John looked like he was in dire need of a big cry. 

After a while, John’s crying slowed down, and there was only the occasional sniffle. 

So Alex took a shot and said, “Do you wanna tell me what happened?”

John, head still resting on Alex’s shoulder, closed his eyes tightly and shook his head.

“It was so bad.” he whispered, the most information he could offer. “It all got so bad.” 

And that was enough for Alex, for now. George was right, this wasn’t about him. He was gonna listen to John and be there for him in whatever way John needed. 

A few minutes later, John pulled away suddenly. “I’m sorry. I know you must hate me right now, but I didn’t know where else to go. My feet took me here before I thought about it and I…I’m sorry. I’ll leave in the morning o—or as soon as you want me to, I just…I can’t go back there. Please.”

Alex looked at John as if he’d grown a third head. He had no clue how, after everything that had happened between them today and since they met, John could believe that there was a single bone in Alex’s body that had the ability to hate him. There were a lot of things he wanted to say, but he decided to start with the simple truth. 

“John, I love you.” he said, and John’s head snapped up. “I love you. I’ve been going crazy all week worrying about you, wondering if you were okay. I missed you every fucking day, and it honestly hasn’t hit me yet that you’re _here._ I thought I was gonna have to follow you to South Carolina or wherever.” 

“You love me?” John said weakly. “Even though I left you?” 

“I was sad and upset and maybe a little mad,” Alex admitted. “But I never stopped loving you. And I never will. I’m willing to fight for you, wait for you, whatever it takes. I told you, I’m yours.” 

John buried his face in Alex’s neck, sobbing quietly. “I missed you every day, Alex. I missed you so much it ate me up inside, I couldn’t think about anything else. I love you. I love you—” 

“Shhh, I know, I know.” He stroked John’s hair, trying to calm him down. 

There was a knock at the door, and then Martha came in with a first aid kit in hand. “John, are you ready for me to take a look at you?” 

“Don’t worry, Martha’s a hospital director.” Alex took John’s hand in his own, trying to help him relax. “She’ll take good care of you.” 

John glanced at Alex, then looked at Martha and nodded. 

Martha knelt at his feet and examined his face, moving his head from side to side gently. She asked him to lift up his shirt, which revealed dark, purpling bruises on his stomach and down the right side of his body. When Alex saw, he sucked in a sharp breath and gripped John’s hand tighter. The urge to hurt John’s father rose in him again, but he beat it back down. _John wants you to stay with him,_ Alex told himself. _So stay with him._

John hissed as Martha pressed down on the bruised areas. He hoped she’d be done soon. He felt uncomfortably exposed like this, as Martha and Alex stared at him with what felt like pity in their eyes. He wanted to pull his shirt back down and curl away from the both of them, but he resisted. 

“Thankfully, nothing seems to be broken. Your ribs are bruised, but that will heal on its own.” Martha said. “I’ll put some cooling ointment around your eye and get you a couple ice packs to help with the swelling.”

Before she left, Martha paused in the doorway and asked, “John, do you have a number I can call and let them know you’re okay? I’m guessing you didn’t tell them where you were going.” 

John stiffened. He’d been trying to avoid thinking about his family. “Yeah, I can give you my aunt’s number.” 

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna let anyone take you out of here tonight.” Martha said firmly. “You did the right thing coming here.”

After Martha applied the ointment and gave him the ice packs, Alex turned off the light and the two boys got into bed, John in Alex’s clothes. Alex held an ice pack to John’s eye, while John held another one to his ribs. They talked and talked, catching each other up on everything they’d missed like they’d been apart for years. Well, Alex did most of the talking, but John was happy to listen. With his every word, John felt the light shining down on him stubbornly and bringing him out of the darkness. 

“Alex.” he said. 

“Yeah?” Alex yawned, his eyes fluttering as he tried to fight off sleep.

“Thank you.” He wanted to say more, but he didn’t know how to put everything he was feeling into words. 

Alex gave him a sleepy smile, and reached for his hand. “You’re safe with me. I’ve got you.” 

_I love you,_ John thought, and he really, really meant it. 

Alex fell right asleep, while John drifted between dozing off and being wide awake, the ache in his side a painful reminder of everything that had happened. At one point, he woke up to the sounds of voices chatting right outside the door. 

“They’re asleep, I just checked on them.” he heard Martha say. 

“Thank God,” George replied. “Lord knows they both need a good, long rest.”

“Especially John. God, my heart broke looking at him. I never thought Laurens was capable of something like this.” There was a pause. “You know what I’m going to say next.” 

“Hopefully nothing that insults me.” George returned sharply. “Because you know that I would never use something like this for my own benefit. There is no benefit. A child has been hurt, and I’m going to do my damndest to protect him. Nothing else matters to me.” 

“I know what kind of man you are, George, of course. But I’m happy to hear you say that anyway, because I will not allow either of those boys to get hurt any further as long as I’m around.” She spoke with a conviction that solidified something in John’s heart. 

“Not to mention, Alexander would never forgive you otherwise.” Martha added. 

“Yes, and we can’t have that.” George sighed. “Did you know?” 

“About them?” she questioned. “No, I didn’t. I mean, I thought Alex seemed a little more spaced out than usual, and I felt like he’d been going out more too, but I chalked it up to his excitement about college. I had no idea he was in love.” 

John flushed, hearing Martha say it so frankly. 

“We need to be extremely delicate with this situation, George. For both their sakes’.” Martha cautioned. “Neither of them can afford another heartbreak.” 

“We’ll handle it,” George said confidently. “It’ll be fine.” 

Their footsteps drifted away, and John remained awake a long time after that. Because he knew his battle wasn’t over, only delayed. And when the sun rose, he’d have to get up and face it once again.

***

Alex woke up confused. It felt like there was something heavy laying on his chest, and there was hair in his mouth that definitely wasn’t his. He blinked open his eyes, and saw a beautiful, freckled face only inches away from his. It was then that he remembered everything that happened last night, that John was _here._ John came back to him! 

He smiled so wide, his cheeks hurt. Alex pushed John’s hair back so he could see his face more clearly. John looked like an angel when he was sleeping, his pink mouth slightly hanging open and puffing out tiny breaths, his face smoothed out. It was another thing to add to the huge list of everything perfect about John Laurens. 

_I love you,_ Alex thought desperately, then remembered that he didn’t have to hide it anymore. John loved him too. They were in love! 

John yawned, and his eyes fluttered open. When those gorgeous hazel eyes met Alex’s, his heart rioted in his chest. Alex wondered if they were back together now, and if so could he kiss John? It had already been way too long for Alex’s liking since they’d done it. If Alex had his way, he wouldn’t let a single day go by without kissing John. 

“Good morning.” John said, blushing. Their faces were so close, and John wondered for a heartbeat if Alex was going to kiss him. His lips tingled with anticipation. 

“Morning.” Alex was going to kiss him. He couldn’t think about anything else. 

Their faces moved closer to each other. Just as both their eyes slid shut, there was a knock on the door and then it swung open. 

The boys sprung apart from each other immediately. 

If Martha noticed anything, she didn’t show it. “Come on, boys, let’s get ready for breakfast!” 

Even the interruption wasn’t enough to dampen Alex’s spirits. He gave John a bright smile and said, “Let’s go.”

When the boys bounded into the kitchen, Martha was struck by how different the mood was from how it had been for the past week. Now, it was as if the sun was shining directly into their home, its light warming everyone up. 

Alex rushed over to the kitchen table and pulled a chair out for John to sit in. John looked at him, amused, but sat down without making a comment. 

“You can relax,” Alex put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m gonna set the table.” 

Martha, getting out the supplies to make pancakes, turned around in surprise. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

George walked in at that moment, book in hand. “Morning, boys, my love. What’s going on?” 

“I’ve decided I want John to stay with us forever.” Martha said. “Alex offering to set up the table on his own? I thought I’d sooner see pigs fly!” 

George laughed heartily as he took his seat at the table, and Alex shot Martha a dirty look. “Can you not do this right now?” he said. 

Martha waved her hands in surrender. “Sorry, sorry, I wouldn’t want to embarrass you in front of your _boyfriend.”_

Both boys blushed at that, and Alex turned back to John. “Ignore her, she’s the worst mom in the world. She makes fun of me all the time.” 

Martha froze and so did George, though Alex didn’t realize it. He hadn’t even noticed that he just referred to Martha as his mom. 

“I can help,” John said, and started to get up out of his seat only to be pushed back down by Alex. 

“No way.” Alex said sternly. “We’ve got it handled. Now, do you want orange juice or milk?”

It was impossible to argue with Alex, so he just answered, “Milk.”

Alex wrinkled his nose. “Don’t tell me you’re one of those people who drinks milk for fun?” 

“Hey, chill.” John shot back. “I like it with my pancakes, that’s all.” 

“Uh huh, I believe you.” Alex said, and laughed at the offended look on John’s face.

He was just so _happy._ John was by his side, where he could see him and hold him. Their knees knocked together under the table while they ate breakfast, and Alex ran his bare foot over the top of John’s. John glanced at him and smiled down at his plate, and it filled Alex with so much joy he could hardly breathe. 

“John, would you come with me and George to the study?” Martha said once they all finished eating. “We think it’d be good to discuss our next steps.” 

That crushed Alex’s joy like a bug. 

John paled, but nodded. “Sure.”

He got up, and Alex got up with him.

“We need to speak to John alone.” Martha emphasized, standing up. “You can wait for him in your room, Alexander.” 

“No.” Alex drifted closer to John, almost in a protective stance. “I’m not leaving him.”

“Son, this is a sensitive situation.” George explained. “It’s important that we talk about everything, including things he might not be ready to share with you.”

“I’m not leaving him alone.” Alex repeated. “You guys can talk about whatever, but I’m not—”

“Alex, it’s fine.” John said, and Alex cut his voice off like a record scratch. “I’m fine. I can handle talking to your parents alone.” 

The stony look in John’s eyes silenced anything he was about to say, so all he could do was watch the three of them file out of the kitchen silently. 

A part of John regretted acting tough, because the truth was he was so nervous, he felt like he was going to jump out of his skin. But it was a little annoying being talked about in the third person, as if he were a baby. He didn’t need a protector, he already survived the worst. He could get through anything else that came his way too. 

John sat down on the couch in the study, and the couple sat down across from him, serious expressions on their faces. George and Martha shared a look, and then George began talking. 

“John, I don’t blame you if you have a hard time trusting me.” he said. “You’ve been living in this environment for a long time, watching people in your father’s and my world manipulate and use each other to get what they want, no matter who gets hurt.” 

John gave him a tiny nod. He was well acquainted with the toxic, backstabbing nature of politics. 

“I only have my word to give you, but I promise you that that is not my nature of doing things. I’m not perfect, but I try to do my job as up front and authentically as possible.” George explained. “Most of all, I have my priorities straight. Family is the most important thing to me above everything else. There’s no ambition of mine that I will ever allow to overcome that.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” John asked. Not rudely, but curiously. 

“I’m trying to be honest. I want you to believe me when I say that my wife and I want what’s best for you. Our son is in love with you, that much is clear. And if he loves you, we love you, and that makes you a part of our family. We’ll protect you, just like we would do for Alex.”

John sucked in a sharp breath. He wasn’t prepared to hear that. And maybe he should be more guarded, but looking into George and Martha’s eyes, he could see nothing but the truth. They had only known him for a day, but they cared about him this much. He had a hard time wrapping his head around that. 

“George might be too conflicted to say this, but I’m not.” Martha spoke up. “We think you should press charges against your father.”

John’s head snapped up. “What?” 

“We’ll get you a lawyer so you have someone to consult with about the necessary steps, and we’ll do everything in our power to keep this situation as discreet as possible.” she continued. “But I really think you should press charges. He should be punished for what he’s done. No man is above the law, not even your father.” 

John shook his head emphatically. “No. No. You’ve got the wrong idea about my dad. It’s not like he’s been abusing me, he’s never hit me before Friday! And he only did that because I pushed him into it!” 

“John,” Martha said before he could go on, voice low and tight. “Let me be clear. There is _nothing_ about this that is your fault. I don’t care if you said the foulest things known to man, a grown man should know better than to put his hands on a child. His own son, especially. There is no excuse for the bruises he put on your body. None.” 

John flinched. He dug his fingernails into his palms, trying not to go back there to that office, the sensation of being knocked to the ground, the wetness of his sister’s tears on his cheek. 

Martha’s eyes were blazing. “And once is enough. There’s no minimum on abuse. Him hurting you like that once is enough, and you shouldn’t let him get away with it.”

“Martha, please.” George stepped in. “What we’re trying to say is that you shouldn’t be scared. However you want to handle this, we’ll be behind you 100% of the way.”

John couldn’t even imagine it. Watching them take his father away. Having to recount what happened again and again, reliving it all over. And the kids, _the kids._

“What’s gonna happen to my brothers and sisters if they take my father away?” he asked. 

The way George and Martha looked away was answer enough for him. George started to form a response, but John cut him off. 

“No. No.” he repeated. “I won’t do it. I’m not gonna do that to them.”

“You shouldn’t have to suffer because—” Martha started. 

“I said no.” John raised his chin high and gripped the material of the couch. “You can’t make me.” 

“Of course, son.” George said quickly. “We’re not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“At least let us document the abuse,” Martha pleaded. “Please. In case you change your mind. We’ll make sure this is handled with complete care and secrecy. The last thing we want is for your privacy to be invaded again.” 

Martha’s imploring eyes dug into him, and he reluctantly agreed. 

“Is that all?” he said softly. All he wanted to do was curl up in bed and never wake up. 

George nodded. “You can go on ahead.” 

John practically ran to the door and pulled it open, just for Alex to tumble through the doorway and land on the ground. 

“I was looking for the bathroom.” he said, sitting up and wincing. 

“In your own house?” Martha replied drily.

John couldn’t even find it within himself to laugh. He brushed past Alex and went straight to Alex’s room, slamming the door behind him. 

Alex glared at his parents. “What did you say to him?”

“Instead of worrying about what we did, why don’t you go see if John is okay?” George suggested. 

Alex stood up instantly. “Right, yeah.”

When Alex got to his room, John was sitting on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands, breathing in and out deeply. 

Alex knelt down in front of him. He took John’s hands from his face so he could hold them in his own hands. “What happened? What did they say to you?” 

“They want me to press charges against my father.” The words came out all at once. 

Alex had to hold himself back from jumping up and down and cheering. “And? That sounds amazing. I’d paid to watch that asshole get dragged away in cuffs, I’m gonna set his mugshot as my lock screen—” 

“This isn’t a game, Alex.” John snapped harshly. “This is my father we’re talking about. He’s all I have left.” 

“He hurt you, John.” Alex said softly. 

“What about the kids? What happens to them?” John said. “Mary needs a father. They all do.”

“Someone else can take care of them, your aunt—” 

“Can’t raise four kids on her own. And my relatives on my dad’s side are worse than him.” John closed his eyes. “I can’t do it. I’m not gonna ruin their lives.” 

“So, what? You’re gonna let him get away with it?” Alex gripped his hands tighter. “That’s not the answer.” 

“George is bringing in a lawyer to take evidence of the abuse,” John’s voice was robotic, clinical. “I don’t know what to do after that.” 

Alex didn’t know what to say. His own father abandoned him and his mother before he could be punished for the abuse he inflicted on them. If his dad were around, Alex knew he’d want revenge, justice, any sort of retribution he could get, legal or otherwise. But his father wasn’t John’s father, and Alex only had himself to think about while John had to worry about his siblings. 

Alex decided to not push too hard, and listen to what John wanted. So he rose up and embraced John in a hug, and kissed his forehead. 

“Okay,” Alex said, holding him close. “We’ll figure it out.” 

John let out a shuddering breath and squeezed Alex tightly, like he was a lifeline. They were together, and they would figure it out. That was all that mattered. 

***

On Sunday, Nathaniel Greene, a lawyer and a colleague of George’s, came to the apartment with a photographer. 

John was tense and nervous as he waited in the family room for the him to arrive. Alex sat next to him, filling the air with stories, random thoughts he had, anything he could say that might distract John. John had been looking somber since yesterday, and Alex was desperate to do something to lift his spirits. John didn’t look right, frowning so much. He should be smiling, always. 

“Did I tell you how Herc did me dirty?” Alex continued on even though John hadn’t answered. “So remember how I told you I thought Peggy was acting weird around me? Apparently, she started to figure out what was going on between the two of us and asked Herc about it, and you know what he said? He made it sound like I have a massive, pathetic, unrequited crush on you!” 

Alex flopped back on the couch. “Herc must’ve really sold it, because that's why she was so nice to me all the time. She felt sorry for me and my hopeless love.” 

John didn’t respond, and Alex was about to give up and let them sit in silence, since nothing seemed to be working.

Then he heard John say, “To be fair, you do have a massive, pathetic crush on me.” 

He looked up to see a tiny smile gracing John’s face, and it felt like the clouds parting to let in the sunlight. “Not as pathetic as yours.” Alex teased back. 

“Hey, take that back.” John said, an offended look on his face. 

“You first.”

“No, you.” 

“No, you.” 

“You _love_ me.” John said, caught up in the joke.

“I do.” Alex replied, completely serious. And he moved in and kissed John, quick and light on the lips. 

John’s face flooded with color. Before he could respond, the doorbell rang. Martha went to get the door and called out, “John, he’s here!” 

It popped the mood Alex built like a bubble. John’s expression slipped back into moroseness, and he stood up. Before he could walk away, Alex grabbed his hand. 

“It’ll be okay.” he said. It was the only thing he could think of to say. 

John squeezed his hand, and gave him a weak smile. “I know.” 

He went over to where Martha was, and Alex once again had that feeling of watching his heart walk away from him. 

John was led to the study, with George, Martha, Greene, and the photographer. He stayed silent as the adults talked among themselves, even as Greene went over his options again. When it was finally time for the pictures, John felt the anxiety in him rise to a fever pitch. But then he thought of the sudden kiss from Alex in the family room, and it calmed him a little. He just needed to get through this and then he’d be with Alex again. 

The cameraman took pictures of his face from several angles. The swelling had gone down, but the bruising was still apparent around his eye and jaw. 

“Okay, we’re gonna need you to take off your shirt now.” Greene told him.

“Take your time,” Martha said. “You’re doing fine.” 

John took his shirt off quickly, hoping that his shaking hands weren’t too obvious to everyone in the room. More pictures were taken as John stared at the floor. The outrage and pity in the room made him feel like he was suffocating, and he tried to make his mind slip away to happier times. Alex’s lips, his laugh, the way his eyes sparked when John teased him. He was waiting for John just beyond the door. If John could hurry up and throw away all the chains holding him down, they could be together… 

“That’s good enough,” Greene said. “It might be good for him to take off his pants, in case there’s any bruising on his legs or thighs that we’d want to record.”

The look on his face must’ve been bad, because Martha snapped, “I’ve already examined him and all his injuries are above the waist. Or do you not trust my qualified, medical opinion?” 

George put a hand on Martha’s shoulder, calming her. “The boy’s been through enough. I think we have all the evidence we need.”

George and Greene talked a little further amongst themselves. John put his shirt back on and went for the door, only to be stopped by Martha.

Martha pulled him into a hug. “You’ve been very brave, you know that?”

John hugged her back, and all of a sudden it struck him how much he missed his mom. It had been so long since there was someone who could enfold him into a hug and tell him _I’m here, it’s okay,_ and he could believe them. 

“I haven’t done anything.” John mumbled. 

She moved back from the embrace and looked straight into his eyes. “But you have. More than you know.” 

Her words rang in his ears as he ran back to Alex’s room. When he opened the door, Alex was pacing back and forth, brushing some of the strands that had fallen out of his ponytail back, and John loved him. He went right up to Alex and hugged him tightly. 

Alex’s arms went around him immediately. “You done? Is everything okay?”

He pulled back and pressed their foreheads together. “I’m done.” 

_But it’s not over,_ was the thought that hung in the air. John didn’t know what it was about having those pictures taken, but he realized that he was trapped in this purgatory state, unable to move on because nothing had finished. He wasn’t done, not yet. 

John was quiet for the rest of the day, thinking about his next move. And then at dinner, Martha said, “John, your father called.” 

John froze, food halfway to his mouth. 

“He wants to speak with you. As soon as possible, he felt the need to add.” Martha continued. 

Alex’s fork clattered against his plate as it dropped out of his hand. “He must be out of his goddamn mind.” 

“Alexander.” George gave him a stern look.

“No, he must be crazy if he thinks we’re gonna let him talk to John after what he did!” Alex was practically vibrating with anger. 

“The decision is John’s.” George said, glancing at John. 

“Yes, it 100% is.” Martha agreed. “I told him he won’t set one toe in my door unless John agrees to it, and no threats are going to move me otherwise.” 

Martha addressed John directly. “You don’t have to do this if you’re not ready. You have complete control over how this is gonna go, John. He’s well aware that he can’t force himself in here, which is why he hasn’t tried. And we plan to keep him away for as long as you need, so don’t worry about him. Do what you want.” 

He shocked all three of them when he said, “No, I wanna talk to him. As soon as possible.”

Alex turned to him. “What? John, no.” 

John put his hand on Alex’s knee and squeezed, giving him a reassuring smile. “It’s okay. I need to do this.” 

Alex stared at him, but didn’t say anything else. He simply held John’s hand in both of his, quietly distressed. 

“Son, are you sure?” George asked. “You don’t have to force yourself.”

“I can’t run and hide forever.” he answered, and his words rang out across the table. “I have to do this now. I want to move on, and I can’t do that until I talk to my dad.” 

Martha stepped away to make the call, and when she came back she said grimly, “He’ll be here tomorrow.” 

The news was greeted with silence, an uneasy feeling filling the air. 

John knew the Washingtons and Alex were worried about him, but they didn’t understand. His whole life had been building up to this moment, where he and his father could finally stand across from each other, masks off and feelings laid bare. He’d been running away from it all this time, but now he was done. He didn’t want to anymore. He had a reason to stop and fight, and now he was gonna rise up. What was the point of waiting? 

Alex was quiet as they got ready for bed. John could tell there were a million things Alex wanted to say, but he was holding them all back out of respect for John. But he realized now that he didn’t want there to be any more secrets between him and Alex. He was ready to bust now the barriers between them and expose himself to Alex fully. Because above all, he _trusted_ Alex. 

So when the lights were off and they curled up, side by side, John started by saying, “I heard what you said. At the press conference.” 

Alex’s eyes widened. “Really?

John nodded. “My sister showed me and it…your words saved me. You gave me the strength to stand up and fight.”

Alex put his hand on John’s cheek. “I did it for you. I thought of you the whole time I was up there. I wanted you to know that I wouldn’t give up on you, even if we were apart.” 

He held Alex’s hand to his face. “I couldn’t go back to the way I was. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t.” He was shaking a little now. 

“John, what are—” 

“So I told him that.” John kept going, and Alex closed his mouth. “I told him the truth. I let him see all the parts of myself I was hiding from him, begging him to see that I'm still the same person. I’m still Jack.” 

“And he called me sick.” John exhaled. “You should’ve seen the way he looked at me. Like I was disgusting, _dirty._ Like he wanted to throw up, that’s how disgusted he was. And I just went _off._ I said some shit about how much I love sucking dick, watching him get madder and madder. And inside I’m just a wreck, I’m breaking apart because I let him see me. I let him see, and called me _sick._ He said I turned his stomach.” 

“John, you don’t have to tell me this.”

“I _want_ to.” His breaths were punching out of his body fast. “I don’t want to hide anything from you. And I need to accept what happened. I need to face it.”

John closed his eyes. “So I won’t stop talking about how much I love dick, because I want him to be in half as much pain as he was putting me in, and he hits me once and I laugh. And then he hits me again and I go down. And he keeps hitting me and I don’t even feel it, really. Nothing touches me until I feel Martha’s tears on my face. I’m lying there on the ground and she’s holding me, just crying her eyes out. She’s holding me, and Auntie’s going crazy, and it all hits me. I showed my father the real me, and I turned him into that. I did this to him, and to my family. I was turning them all into monsters. And I—I had to run after that. Once I had that thought, I had to _go.”_

He felt a wetness on his face, but was shocked to find it wasn’t from his own tears. It was Alexander, who was crying quietly himself.

“I’m so sorry, John.” he sobbed. “I’m so sorry.” 

John wiped the tears from Alex’s eyes. “No, don’t apologize. Don’t you get it? I’m almost free. I can love you like you deserve now: loud, proud, in everyone’s faces. We’re so close, Alex! This is the last thing I have to do, and then I’ll be someone you can love.” 

“You’re too late.” Alex held his face, and his eyes were a whirlwind of emotion. “I already love you too much. I mean it, John, I love you.” 

John couldn’t help the tears that sprung up at the corner of his eyes. “I love you too. You changed my life.” 

Their lips met and they both poured all their emotions into this kiss, kissing through their tears. John pulled Alex on top of him and kissed him like he was starving, holding onto his face and clutching onto him tightly. They were exhilarated, joyous, because they knew they were finally _together._ It was like the world had rebuilt itself at their feet, and all they had to do was step into it, hand in hand. 

They fell asleep that night, wrapped around each other, their hearts beating as one. 

***

And then Monday came around again, and with it came the Washingtons, Alex, and John sitting in the study, waiting for Henry Laurens to arrive. 

George sat on the armchair, while Martha paced back and forth the length of the room. John and Alex sat on the couch, hands intertwined. John wasn’t somber this time, though he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little afraid. But he kept his head held high, a determined look in his eyes. He was not going to back down. 

And then the doorbell rang, and there were three sharp knocks on the door.

John gripped Alex’s hand tighter. “He’s here.” 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear this story only existed to write three scenes: John and Alex's first meeting on the rooftop, the Schuylers' party (cuz I love drama), and John and Alex's dramatic, climatic reunion. I feel so complete now.
> 
> As you can tell by the length, this chapter got out of hand. So like I guessed I have to add an extra chapter, but it'll be a nice, tidy one. Just one more big scene and the epilogue. It's hard to believe there's only one chapter left though, I'm a little sad...(but then again this isn't the last you'll see of me but I'll talk about that next week ;)).
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your kudos and comments! You all keep me going, let's hold our noses and close our eyes together going into this final chapter <3!
> 
> (also side note I loved all the fire and fury in the comments for last chapter lmao. Do you guys forgive me now?)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing was for certain in this world, but the one thing John knew would never change, without a doubt, was that he loved Alexander Hamilton.

John wasn’t sure what he thought he’d feel when he saw his father again. Fear? Sadness? Anger? But when Henry entered the study, Martha trailing behind him, he felt nothing. His mind was blank. Though, he did let go of Alex’s hand on reflex. 

“I want to speak to my son alone.” These were the first words out of Henry’s mouth. 

Everyone in the room bristled. 

“Did anyone here ask you what you want?” Martha said, revolted.

“I’d refrain from making demands if I were you,” George backed her up. “If not for the fact that John is a better man than you are, you wouldn’t be here right now.” 

Henry’s lips flattened into a straight line. “I don’t need your permission to talk to my son. Let’s get that straight.”

“Let me set something straight for you.” Martha’s voice was acidic. “If you think we’d be stupid enough to leave John alone in a room with—” 

“Guys, it’s fine.” John spoke quietly, but everyone’s attention locked onto him as if he yelled. “You can go, please.”

“I don’t think so, John.” Martha responded, shocked. “You’re asking us to leave you alone with this animal?” 

“Excuse me?” Henry said. 

The look in Martha’s eyes could cut glass. “Did I stutter?” 

George leveled him with a heavy gaze. “Son, are you sure? You don’t have to do this.”

Henry stiffened at hearing George refer to John like that, which didn’t escape John’s notice. “I’m sure. I’ll shout if I need anything.” he promised. 

Martha scoffed. “John…” 

George stood up out of his seat. “We said we’d respect John’s wishes. So that’s what we’re going to do, even if it’s hard.”

George walked over to Martha and put his hands on her shoulders, squeezing gently. He turned back and said, “Alexander, come on.” 

“No.” Alex said to George, but his eyes were on John. “No, I won’t go. Don’t make me.” 

“Alex, trust me.” John met his eyes, gave him a brave smile. “I’ll be okay.” 

They continued staring at each other for a few more moments, engaged in a silent conversation. Eventually Alex let out a heavy sigh, and stood. Every step away from John felt like someone had chained anchors to his ankles. 

John looked at Alex’s back, watching as Alex got further and further away from him, and that’s when the panic set in. Because he knew his father wasn’t going to hit him again, but there was every chance that he would rip John apart with his words, and John was scared. He was afraid he’d get so turned around that he’d end up letting his father lead him right back into the closet and back into the hole. 

“Wait.” he heard himself say. 

All three of them froze in the doorway. And at that moment, John knew he was going to do whatever it took to keep these people in his life. 

“Alex. Stay.” he said. 

The way Alex reacted, you would’ve thought he just won the lottery. The biggest smile ever broke across his face, and he ran back to John’s side. George and Martha looked at each other and let out a sigh of relief. They had a much easier time leaving the study now. 

Henry, on the other hand, was less than thrilled with this turn of events to say the least. His cheeks were a dull red with anger. 

“John, what do you think you’re doing?” he said between gritted teeth. “I’m not going to discuss family business in front of any outside parties.” 

“What’s the matter? You can’t beat your kid in front of an audience?” Alex snarled. 

“I’m not talking to you.” Henry growled back. “And I suggest you keep your mouth shut.” 

Alex opened his mouth to respond, but John fixed him with a look that stopped him dead in his tracks. John didn’t ask Alex to stay to fight his battle for him. That was something John had to do himself. 

“I want him here, so he’s staying.” John said to Henry. “I think I’m allowed that, at least.” 

Despite what everyone thought, John knew that his father had some shame in him. John’s black eye hadn’t healed quite yet, and it shone like a beacon between the two of them. 

“Fine. But it’s unnecessary.” And with that, Henry sat down on the couch across from them. 

“I’m sorry, John. Truly.” Henry’s face contorted into something approaching sincerity. “My behavior on Friday was unacceptable.”

“Unacceptable.” John repeated softly. 

“I was out of line. I was stressed out with the campaign and everything that happened, and lost control. For that, I apologize. You know that’s not the kind of man I am.” 

“I accept your apology, Dad.” And a part of him sort of meant it. 

A small smile came to Henry’s face. “Good. Let’s pretend like Friday never happened. It was a mistake, a stain on both our characters, but it’s over and done with now. Let’s concentrate on getting back to normal.”

John scrunched his eyebrows. “Back to normal? What does that mean?” 

“Getting out of here, for one thing.” Henry said. “I made a mistake leaving you and the kids with Betsy. I should’ve known she wasn’t equipped to take care of you all on her own, so I don’t blame you for getting into trouble. And I think for the both of us, being away from home for too long has led us to do things outside our character.”

His words were heavy with implication, and John’s heart sank. 

“But once we go home, I’m sure that everything that happened here will wash off like a bad dream.” he continued. “We’ll be about to go back to our normal lives.” 

John was silent for a second, then said, “Okay, Dad, I’ll go back to South Carolina with you.” 

Alex’s eyes burned a hole in the side of John’s head, but John refused to look at him. Go back to South Carolina? John had to know that if he went back with his father, Henry would never let him come back, so how could he say that? Had he decided to leave Alex again? Alex was swirling into a panic, but he tried hard to trust John. 

Henry gave a quick nod. “Alright, then. So—” 

“But things aren’t gonna go back to normal. I need you to understand that.” 

Henry looked at him, and the smile slipped off his face. “What do you mean?” 

“Normal wasn’t good for me, Dad. I was miserable.” John tried to explain. He just wanted his father to understand him. “I’ve spent my whole life on the outside looking in, pretending to be happy. I can’t go back to that. I want to live my life the way _I_ want to, and actually be happy.” 

“So I’m not gonna lie anymore. I’m still the same person you’ve always known, but I’m not gonna hide the truth about myself from you or anyone else. I’m gay. I’m gay, and I don’t want to be a lawyer. I wanna study biology and work with animals. And Alex, he’s a part of me now, too. We’re dating.” 

Henry was silent, and Alex brushed his hand with his pinky, but didn’t do anything more. John, feeling desperate all of a sudden, kept talking. 

“We can start over, Dad. I’m willing to do that with you. But if you want me to forgive you, you’ve gotta accept me. All of me. Please.” His voice broke on the last word. 

“I think you’re confused about something,” Henry said. “I told you I won’t have that lifestyle in the house.” 

John recoiled like he’d been punched again.

“And what’s this about working with animals?” Henry narrowed his eyes. “Because as long as I’m paying for your school, I won’t have you wasting your time on nonsense.” 

John laughed quietly, a dry, sorry sound. “Wow. After everything that’s happened, that’s what you have to say? You don’t care about me at all?” 

“Of course I care about you. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.” Henry leaned forward. “You’re confused, John. I’m not going to let you ruin your whole life because you’ve allowed these people to mess with your head.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with me,” he said quietly, almost to himself. “I’m not confused, I know exactly who I am. You need to accept that.” 

Henry’s brow furrowed with irritation. He opened his mouth, then shot a quick glance at Alex. “We can discuss this more at home. Let’s go.” 

“No.” John raised his voice, freezing Henry as he made to get up. 

“Enough.” Henry’s eyes were cold again, and John clenched his fists to keep himself from shaking. “You’re acting like a child. Get up and let’s go.” 

“I—If you can’t accept who I am, then I won’t go.” He reached for Alex’s hand, who gladly intertwined their fingers together. “I’m not gonna let you force me back in the closet.” 

Henry stared at their clasped hands with thinly veiled disgust. “I’ve been as patient with you as I possibly can, but you are determined to test me. I don’t know what Washington told you, but you’re still my son. That means if I want to drag you out of here, I can. And I will do that if you don’t come to your senses and _get up.”_

John met his father’s gaze head on, and now his emotions were moving from despair to anger. And when he was angry, the words just came out of his mouth without much thought. 

So he said, “You put your hands on me and I promise I won’t just take pictures this time. I’ll let them call the cops on your ass, try me.” 

It was as if he heard someone else saying the words. His father stiffened, and John froze, closed his eyes. 

“Pictures? What pictures?” Henry said slowly, menacingly. “Answer me. What pictures?” 

John was silent, deflated. Then he said, “I—They took pictures. George got a lawyer, and they took pictures of everything.” 

Henry was deathly silent in response. He stood up and walked a little away from them, hand on his mouth. “How could you do this? To your own family?”

John stood up too. The self-righteous anger fled from him, leaving only the flailing feeling of panic. “I—I didn’t tell them anything, I just—what was I supposed to do?”

“You should’ve come home. Protected your family.” Henry’s disappointed gaze tore into him. “Or maybe you don’t care. Me and your brothers and sisters, we mean nothing to you.”

John flinched. “No! No, that’s not true.” 

“Oh? Then you’re ready to come home and fix your mistakes? Or are you going to punish the kids for your own selfishness too?” 

John looked down, shoulders slump. It was as if all his resolve had fled right out the window. His father was right, how could he do this to his siblings, drag them down with his whole mess? They didn’t ask for any of this. Maybe…he should go home. Keep the family together, look out for the kids. There would be a day when he was actually an adult, and he could do what he wanted. Until then, family came first. 

He opened his mouth to tell his father that, okay, let’s go home, when— 

“Enough.” 

He was surprised when Alex came to stand next to him. John had almost forgotten he was in the room. 

“I’ve bit my tongue and watched as you bully and belittle John, and now I’m _done.”_ Waves of anger were radiating off Alex. “I’m not gonna let a piece of shit like you lecture John on protecting his family. What’s your job? How can you stand there and call yourself his father?” 

“What would you know about fatherhood?” Henry snapped back. “Between a deadbeat criminal and an ignorant coward, you’re the last person I’d ask advice on being a father.” 

Alex’s eyes widened and he sucked in a sharp breath. Hearing those hateful words, seeing someone _hurt_ Alex, it snapped John out of his downward spiral. 

He drew up to his full height. “Watch your mouth. Don’t ever talk to him like that again.”

“What did you say to me?” But then he looked at John, and he must’ve seen his resolve, because he scoffed. “Really? You’d choose this mongrel over your own family?” 

“He and his family took me in without question, even after everything.” The world cleared out around him, except for him and his father. “They treated me for the injuries _you_ put on my body, took care of me, _listened_ to me. They wanted me to press charges against you, but they respected me when I said I wouldn’t do it. They went out of their way to get a lawyer and document every single fucking bruise on me. They did all that and made sure the press didn’t find out about any of it, and didn't ask me to do anything for them. And you know what? If the situation was reversed, I know you wouldn’t do the same. If you were in the same position, every news outlet would be outside the door by lunch.”

John reached over and grabbed Alex’s hand confidently. “So if you’re asking whether I’d choose to let you keep fucking with my head or stay with people who mean it when they say family first? Then yeah, I’ll choose my _boyfriend_ over you. I’m not as stupid as you think I am."

Silence. Silence. Silence. 

Then Henry gave a quick, sharp nod. “Okay.” 

And then he went for the door. 

Desperation and fear rose up within him. “We can’t forget everything that’s happened, but we can move on. I’d do anything for you and the kids, but something has to change. I want to fix things between us, but you have to look at me, _me._ The only thing I’m asking is for you to accept all of me. Please. I’ve never asked you for anything before.” 

Henry turned back, and the look in his eyes softened. For one moment, Henry was his father again. The man who would dance with John’s mother after dinner to her favorite song, and brag to everyone who would listen about how amazing his children were, and tell John every night that he was going to blow them all away. His father, who valued family above everything, who instilled that value in John too. Dad. 

But then his eyes froze over, and the moment was gone. “I don’t intend to be blackmailed, especially not by my own son. So you have a choice. You can come to your senses and return home, or you can abandon your family, all your siblings and me, and choose _him_ over us.”

“And let me be clear,” Henry continued. “If I walk out this door alone, that’s it. You won’t be my son anymore. And when the Washingtons get tired of you, you’ll have no home to return to. You’ll never see me or your brothers and sisters again. So make a decision, right now.” 

John looked down, and his hands were limp, like all the life had gone out of them. “Love shouldn’t have conditions,” he whispered. 

“Goodbye, John.” Henry said, and he walked right out the door. 

John followed after him in disbelief, as if he was pulled by a string. But when the door closed shut behind his father, he stopped and he broke down. Just buried his face in his hands, hunched over, and started sobbing, almost wailing. He cried for his brothers and sisters, his mother, the life he had built up till now, even for his father. It was all over now. 

And Alex came up from behind and wrapped his arms around him. He didn’t speak, he didn’t say a word. He just held John tightly and let him fall to pieces, because they both knew Alex would be there to catch him. 

And for now, that was enough. For right now, it was everything John needed.

**Epilogue**

“Is that it?” Alex asked as John zipped up his last suitcase. 

John rolled his eyes, smiling. “Yeah. Not all of us have six bookshelves to pack up.” 

“Don’t be rude, I need every one of those books!” Alex defended himself. “I don’t wanna risk leaving one at home just to find out that I need it.” 

“Yeah, you don’t wanna go through the nightmare of taking a 10 minute Uber ride to get back home.” 

“You’re being mean,” Alex pouted. “That’s how you thank someone who’s graciously volunteered to help you pack up your stuff?” 

“Help?” John snorted. “I didn’t know helping was laying on the bed playing games on your phone while _I_ packed.”

John flopped on the bed next to Alex. “And honestly, I’m lucky I have this much stuff to pack.” 

They both fell silent at that comment. 

It was the beginning of September now, a couple of weeks after Henry Laurens had stormed out of the Washingtons’ home and out of John’s life. And with his departure, John’s life shifted on its axis. 

The next day after his father’s sudden exit, Aunt Betsy came to the Washingtons’ place. John was shocked to see her, since he’d assumed that she was done with his whole family after all the mess he had brought into her life. 

“Henry took the children back to South Carolina.” she said, misty-eyed with tears. “I tried, but I couldn’t stop him. He said…he said he disowned you.” 

John lowered his head and nodded. Hearing the words made it all the more real, and the pain that came with it too. 

Betsy shook her head. “That’s awful. I’m so sorry, Jack. I’m sorry I didn’t do more for you, I didn’t…I never thought Henry was capable of something like this. I don’t think Ellie did either.” 

Ellie. Eleanor. His mother. “You don’t need to apologize to me. None of this is your fault, at all.”

“I should’ve done more,” she repeated. “But there’s no point in focusing on the past. What matters is what we do now, going forward. Jack, I want you to come live with me.” 

John blinked at her, stunned. “What? But…but after everything that happened, I thought—” 

“Family takes care of family.” Betsy interrupted him. “And it’ll be a cold day in hell before I abandon Ellie’s kid. You’ll always have a home with me, as long as you want it.” 

Betsy folded John into her arms and he sunk into her, an immense sense of relief and gratitude filling his body. 

He moved in with Betsy quickly (“Lord knows I’m not meant to be anyone’s mom, so let’s treat this more like a roommate arrangement. This is your home now, too, alright?). With the Washingtons’ help, his aunt hired a respectable lawyer and took Henry to court. In exchange for sealing the evidence of John’s abuse and signing a non-disclosure agreement which barred Betsy or John from discussing the incident, Henry agreed to sign over his parental rights to Betsy and create a trust fund that covered all four years of John’s education, no more, no less. John was officially disowned. 

“I wanted to bleed that bastard dry for what he did to you,” Betsy said once she came back to the apartment. “But the lawyer said it was in your best interest that we didn’t drag this out.” 

John, blessfully, did not have to appear in court. “I’m just happy it’s over.” 

And he meant that. It was a clean break, and now he no longer had to spend every day holding his breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. He was free. 

Betsy had to go down to South Carolina herself to collect John’s belongings, since Henry made it clear that John was not allowed on the premises. And yeah, that hurt like shit, but he was more concerned about his siblings. He hadn’t heard from them since he’d run away from his aunt’s apartment, and at first he wondered if his father had succeeded in turning them against him. 

Betsy shut that down line of thinking immediately when he first moved in. “The moment you left, he took away all their phones. I wouldn’t be surprised if he and his team were controlling who they talk to.”

“Really?” He was filled with a sense of relief at the same time as his heart broke. His poor siblings, isolated because of things that have nothing to do with them. 

“Martha wanted to run out the door after you,” Betsy told him. “Henry had to physically hold her back. Your brothers and sisters love you, John. Don’t ever doubt that.” 

He had begged Betsy to find out how they were doing and to tell them that he loved them, and that he was going to find his way back to them, his father be damned. When Betsy came back, with as much of John’s stuff as she could pack in his car, he held letters from all his siblings. 

“They miss you very much,” Betsy informed him. “Martha helped me pack up your stuff, against Henry’s wishes, and she handed me the letters.” 

When he read them, it almost made him fall apart to pieces. James had apologized for the way he’d been treating John, writing over and over about how much he regretted leaving without telling John that he loved him no matter what. Junior said that he missed him very much, and he hoped that he would come home soon. He was hoping John would teach him how to knot a tie before his first day of middle school. It appeared that he hadn’t been fully told what was going on. Mary had simply drawn a picture of her and John holding hands under a sunny sky, smiles on their faces. She was the only one to seem to have inherited the artist gene like John had. In the corner she’d written in colored pencil, _I love you, Jackie._

He’d saved Martha’s letter for last, even though he was already a wreck by the time he got to it. As he expected, he was crying in earnest once he finished reading it.

_Jack,_

_Dad took away our phones. He’s keeping us from going online too, or monitoring us heavily when we do. Especially me, because he knows if he lets me get online the first thing I’m gonna do is tell anyone who’ll listen what he did to you. I’m so mad, Jack. I’m angry with him and angry at myself. Who did I think I was, saying I’d defend you? I was right there and you still got hurt anyway, and I’m sorry. I wanted to run out after you, once you left. I didn’t want to be there, with him, anymore either. Dad had to hold me back, and I wanted to kick him and go to you. But then I thought about what you would do, if you were in my situation, and you would think of us first. You always have. So I stayed._

_We all miss you a lot. As soon as you left, it was pretty clear to all of us whose side we were on. You’re the one who raised us, Jack, not him. So don’t worry. You raised us to be strong, you raised_ _me_ _to be strong. I’ll step up in your place and watch out for the kids. I told them that you’ve been protecting us all this time, and now it’s time for us to look out for each other while you’re gone. We’ll be okay, so don’t hold yourself back from being happy. You’ve fought so hard to live your life without Dad hanging over you, so please, enjoy it!_

_I won’t lie to you, things are pretty bad at home. Mary took you leaving the hardest, and Dad is keeping us all on lockdown. But I told her that all of this is temporary. One day, we’ll be out from under Dad’s thumb, and we’ll all be together again. A family. But until then, it’s up to us to be tough and lean on each other until that day comes. And I meant it, Jack. One day, we’ll see each other again, and I can’t wait. Be happy, until then. Please. Live your life, and don’t let us or Dad drag you down. We love you so much. As soon as I get my phone back, I’ll call you._

_See you soon,_

_Martha_

John took his sister’s words to heart, and tried to move on. He had his aunt, who was easy to talk to and told him stories about his mother as a child that warmed his heart. He had his friends, who he joyfully reunited with. With no secrets between them, the group had become closer than ever, spending almost every day together before they all set off for college. And he had Alex. 

He turned his head to look at Alex, who was smiling at his phone. Alex, who had been by his side every step of the way. He’d come to consider the Washingtons’ apartment as much of his home as his aunt’s place, and George and Martha had begun treating him like another son. Alex made him laugh when he was feeling down, held him when he cried thinking about his siblings and everything he’d lost. When John didn’t feel much like talking, he simply sat with him, held his hand and seemed genuinely happy with just John’s presence. 

If someone told John that running away with Alex all those months ago would’ve led to his entire life being turned upside down, he would’ve only half believed them. After all, Alex was a storm, a force to be reckoned with. John thought he was an iron fortress, but he should’ve known that he’d be helpless to an Alex who knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid to get it. He tore down John's wall, and John would never stop being grateful to him for it. 

Alex realized he was being stared at, and turned to meet John’s gaze. “What are you thinking about?” 

“You.” he said simply, secretive smile on his face. 

Alex smirked, and moved to lean over John. “Anything good?” 

John traced a finger down Alex’s cheek, stared into his eyes. “Just that I love you. So much.”

John’s heart swelled with the words, the truth of them vibrating down his spine. Nothing was for certain in this world, but the one thing John knew would never change, without a doubt, was that he loved Alexander Hamilton. 

Alex’s eyes softened around the edges. “I love you more.” 

John rolled his eyes. “Do not.” 

“Do too.” And with that, Alex sealed their lips together. 

The kiss started off sweet, but quickly became more intense as Alex bit his bottom lip and used John’s gasp to slip his tongue inside his mouth. John moaned at the intrusion, then slid a hand up, up, up Alex’s shirt. 

“Um, ew.” A voice said. 

John separated from Alex and sat up. He gasped once he saw who was standing in the doorway. 

“Martha?” His voice was hardly more than a whisper. 

There, standing in front of him, was his sister with an amused expression on her face. “Well, I was trying to surprise you, but it looks like you’re busy with other things. Should I go?” 

He raced up to Martha and hugged her as tight as he could. “What—how are you here? Is everything—are the kids okay?” 

“Jack, I can’t breathe.” Martha wriggled out of his grasp. “Everyone’s fine. Dad finally gave me back my phone and I thought about calling you, but then I was like, fuck that. I bought a plane ticket with some money out of my savings and left a note to Dad telling him I was going to New York, then blocked his number. So I’m probably in a world of trouble when I get back home, but who cares? He can go fuck himself.” 

John laughed, even as tears streamed down his face. “I can’t believe you’re here.” 

Martha smiled, a little teary-eyed herself. “I asked Auntie to keep it a secret, to surprise you. Are you happy?” 

John pulled her into another, gentler hug. “Yes. I’ve missed you so much.” 

Martha buried her face in his shoulder. “Me too.” 

They hugged for a little while longer, then Martha stepped back. “Enough sappy shit. Come on, we’ve gotta move you into Columbia.” 

Alex, who had been taking in the whole scene with a smile on his face, said, “Yeah, let’s go. Lafayette’s already moved into your room and he wants us all to go out once you’ve dropped off your stuff. You’ll come too, Martha?” 

“Yes, I’d love that.” Martha faced Alex. “That reminds me, I hadn’t given you the shovel talk yet.” 

John groaned and Alex laughed. “You don’t need to threaten to murder my boyfriend if he hurts me, we’re good.” John said. 

“Let me decide that,” Martha said. She picked up one of John’s suitcases, and then she was out the door.

“I like her.” Alex said as he got out of the bed. 

“Me too,” John said, and took Alex’s hand. “Come on, let’s get going.” 

They grabbed John’s stuff and started the rest of their lives, together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We made it! I'm honestly a little teary eyed, because this is the longest thing I've ever written and I've enjoyed every bit of it. I hope you did too. If any part of what I wrote made you feel something, that's the greatest gift in the world. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading this till the end! I honestly can't believe I actually finished this, and without a big hiatus either!
> 
> I also want to really thank everyone who left comments and kudos. I've gotten some of the best comments I've ever gotten on my work in my life, and it really touched me. I was feeling a little insecure about my writing before now, but seeing everyone's excitement to read what I was putting out really bolstered my confidence, and reminded me how much I genuinely enjoy writing. Thank you for doing that for me, I love you all <3 
> 
> Now! The truth is, I'm not quite done with this universe yet. This story is complete and done with of course, but I've outlined a short sequel that I'm really excited to write. Well, lmao "short", y'all know me, but it will only be two chapters. Two probably big chapters, but that's it. I'm super excited about it! All I'm gonna say is that it's a time skip to married Alex and John (though it'll bounce around to different points in their relationship) and it's gonna be lots of drama for sure. I can't wait to share it with you! See you soon <3333333333!

**Author's Note:**

> why is every girl in the 1700s named Martha smh
> 
> The next chapter should be posted next week, thanks for reading!


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